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Original poster

Furious at OH lack of judgement

166 replies

MrsSc00bs · 29/07/2018 17:18

I have been fuming for 24 hours and am still undecided on how to resolve this. All advice appreciated as I am so furious I daren't even speak to my husband right now.

DS is a bright independent mature 8 year old. Husband always expects to much of him - very little experience with kids and a crap childhood of his own.

Husband - good heart, loyal but rough round the edges, says exactly what he thinks and doesn't care if he offends people. Also emotionally retarded as in he cant deal with them or talk about them. Been together 23 years.

Yesterday my DS and OH were in the other room messing about. I heard DS call OH gay (latest joyful thing picked up from school). Then it went quiet so I popped my head around the door. DS was giggling but in a nervous unsure way so i asked what he was laughing at.

He said and I quote ' daddy told me that gay men stick their willies up each other's bums'

At which point I yelled 'what!" Just as OH said to DS 'i told you not to say anything'.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F@€k?!!!!!

I was and am beyond furious. I blew my stack at his irresponsible damaging inappropriate parenting... reassured my son then had to leave the house.

I haven't spoken to him since, bar essentials and to make sure my son doesn't bear the brunt of this discord.

OH works odd hours and with DS on hols we will get no time without him until he goes to my parents in a week's time.

I am at the point where I am tempted to write a letter to tell him how utterly appalled I am, how he has lost my trust and respect, how he has stolen our child's innocence, how he cannot undo what he has done. The only way forward is for him to admit that he was wrong and bloody swear he will never do such a thing again. (OH has never said sorry for anything in his life and is particularly adept at transferring the blame to me)! If he can't... I think our marriage is over.

There are no words for how furious I am ...

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 29/07/2018 17:55

Inappropriate, homophobic and childish. And not even true.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/07/2018 17:56

Good point Random

Mmer · 29/07/2018 17:56

I would be angry as well. Your husband knew he said something wrong, because he told your son not to say anything. I don't think it is appropriate to speak to a child that way.

WatermelonGlitter · 29/07/2018 17:58

Would you have preferred your son heard it from a child in the playground? because at 8 that is the reality of things...he was going to hear it somewhere. Your child is not irreparably damaged, and your husband is still the man you married. This too will pass.

mummmy2017 · 29/07/2018 17:59

I think your being unfair to your husband.

I bet your H said. No I am not and then told your son what it would mean...
Then realised what he had said to his son hence why he told him not to say anything.
I also bet he told your son not to use that word again...
You are going to get upset a lot if you carry on like this .
Tell your H you over reacted and that can you just forget it, otherwise each day you don't talk this will be one a bigger and bigger issue.
It really isn't the end of the world no one was hurt.
Just be grateful school is out,

ThinkingCat · 29/07/2018 18:05

I think you are over-reacting.
If you don't make a big thing about it your son will be fine.
I think I would have just tutted and said "What did you tell him that for?" Then started talking about something else.

The only way forward is for him to admit that he was wrong and bloody swear he will never do such a thing again
Not sure what you mean by this? Is he not allowed to tell his son about other facts of life.

Original poster
MrsSc00bs · 29/07/2018 18:06

I have reassured my son and explained that being gay is more than the physical act, we have a great relationship and he can ask me anything and get an honest answer.

I am upset at the fact that my son does not fully comprehend what heterosexual sex is yet (he thinks it's kisses and cuddles) .. so his first introduction to actual sex is my husband's inappropriate comment about gay sex with no context whatsoever for DS to understand it.

I am more upset that my husband told him not to tell me - who would encourage a child to effectively keep a secret from a parent?

I have no issues with sex education at all, it is all part of growing up. But this is not how he should be learning it!!

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 29/07/2018 18:07

I heard DS call OH gay (latest joyful thing picked up from school).

This is the bit I would be very concerned about.

WHy and how did your son "pick up" this from school - it seems unlikely as the use of the word like this is deemed a homophobic incident and needs to be investigated, recorded and the council needs to be informed.... its not exactly dropping out of the mouths of children.

So no, it is NOT just a "joyful thing picked up at school"

secondly, if you thought that it was, what have you done about it?

What have you said to your son?

What have you said to the school?

Then it went quiet so I popped my head around the door.

This is just weird. You heard your son using a word in a context which could be described as a hate crime, if he was heard outside the house, but didn't react, or respond or show any concern what so ever?

You only reacted in any way at all because it "went quiet" after?

What were you going to say and do? and why weren't you in there like a shot, saying and doing it?

Your attitude is so far out of order that I don't know where to begin. If your son was using racially abusive language, would you shrug it off as "just the lastest joyful thing picked up from school" - or would you be deeply concerned, speaking at length to your son, and contacting the school urgently?

FatCow2018 · 29/07/2018 18:07

I'm sorry OP, but your response will be more "damaging" to your son than learning about sex between men. To be honest, he should be pretty familiar with the basics of sex by now, but I'm guessing by your reaction to this you've told him nothing?

Clairetree1 · 29/07/2018 18:08

I am upset at the fact that my son does not fully comprehend what heterosexual sex is yet

at EIGHT?

of course he does.

I would be very worried if he didn't

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/07/2018 18:11

Did he tell your DS where non-gay men stick their willies?

Just wondering.

Gorrillagirlfanclub · 29/07/2018 18:12

I feel like that is not the most important thing about gay relationships! So he should have said something like no I'm not gay because I gay means two people of the same sex/gender who love each other and have relationships with people of the same gender. He could have said something about gay people being attracted to the same gender they are. Describing a sex act doesn't immediately spring to mind to describe a sexual orientation!

I'm not sure it has stolen your son's innocence though. I feel that being open and matter of fact about relationships and sex is the best way. However context and being age appropriate is really important. I'd be more bothered about him just saying that to tell your son what gay means than including that in a description. Seems a bit of childish reaction from your husband.

Also gay doesn't just mean men and not all gay men do this!

NerrSnerr · 29/07/2018 18:12

If he's bright, independent and mature then he probably knows the basic mechanics of sex by now.

bethy15 · 29/07/2018 18:20

I don't understand those who say it's no big deal.

If the husband had have described hetrosexuals as men who put their willy's into a woman's fanny, do you think that's fine also?

He's boiled down a whole sexuality into something that will make little children do 'ugh'. And quite possibly the child's first understanding of a sexual act is this?

I'm sorry, I don't find it acceptable at all.

MitchDash · 29/07/2018 18:21

Lots of 'probably' and 'should' and 'does' know in this thread. What if he doesn't know - it is up to parents to decide after all and your decisions are not other peoples? If the OPs son doesn't know would that be the way you would want an adults physical relationship explained in the first instance? I doubt it. Why would the OP's H think it was a good explanation, he obviously didn't or would not have asked him to keep it secret?

1.Secrets are bad. All secrets. Surprises like presents and cake are not secrets.
2.Homophobia has to be challenged, individually and at school level. Some children will already know they are not straight (yes they will).
3.This poor child having sex explained this way may be damaged if he doesn't have a broad knowledge already and OP states he doesn't. What kind of parent does that?

freetoagoodhome · 29/07/2018 18:22

When my child was eight he certainly didn’t know what heterosexual sex was. He is now 13 and I’ve had nothing to be worried about in that respect.

Original poster
MrsSc00bs · 29/07/2018 18:23

Wow! So I am the one with the problem?

We have gay friends - my son knows it is inappropriate to use 'gay' as an insult...

My son has just finished year 3 and yes he does know things about sex. They have SRE and we have a frank and open relationship.

Kids learn stuff from kids ... but his father did not explain gay sex to educate him... he did it in a derogatory way to stop him using the word gay.

My son and I have discussed what being gay means and what gay people do. But he really DOES NOT have the full picture of hetero sex yet... and when he asks I shall answer him frankly and honestly.

TBH I feel like I am the insane one now....when all I actually want is my son o learn about sex at the pace and level he is comfortable with and to grow up with a healthy attitude to sex and feel like he can talk to me about anything. Hmm

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/07/2018 18:24

Yes bethy15 of course it would be fine if he said men put their willy into a woman’s fanny. How the hell do you think we tell our children how babies are made? Found by a stork Confused

ChanklyBore · 29/07/2018 18:25

Clairetree, whilst I absolutely do not condone the use of the term, it seems clear that the use of the word joyful was sarcasm. And rightly or wrongly, yes it is a common term still used in insults or “banter” in schools - sometimes knowingly, sometimes by children who do not understand the ramifications of the term. Ive heard it both in and out of school on the lips of little ones right up to those who should know better.

But stand near the gate of any high school when School is letting out and round here at least you’ll hear a tirade of things you wouldn’t expect to. And I only mention secondary because the kids are unsupervised. I hear that term and significantly worse on the lips of 6 year olds playing in the road regularly.

bethy15 · 29/07/2018 18:25

WHy and how did your son "pick up" this from school - it seems unlikely as the use of the word like this is deemed a homophobic incident and needs to be investigated, recorded and the council needs to be informed.... its not exactly dropping out of the mouths of children.

It actually is, sadly it's used by them as slang for something being rubbish or wrong. Like 'that's so gay' and it's been around for years now, teenagers use it and it trickles down as those with older brothers/sisters hear it and repeat it.

Clairetree1 · 29/07/2018 18:28

If the husband had have described hetrosexuals as men who put their willy's into a woman's fanny, do you think that's fine also?

er, yeah!

down to the fact that it is, you know, true!

NataliaOsipova · 29/07/2018 18:30

If the husband had have described hetrosexuals as men who put their willy's into a woman's fanny, do you think that's fine also?

I hate the terms "willy" and "fanny", but that's the only thing I'd have a problem with. As a pp said, it's a fact!

bethy15 · 29/07/2018 18:30

Yes bethy15 of course it would be fine if he said men put their willy into a woman’s fanny. How the hell do you think we tell our children how babies are made? Found by a stork confused

But it wasn't sex ed the father was doing here.

The child used the word gay and he just said gay is where a man sticks his willy in a mans bum (which isn't actually what being gay even means) and said it to provoke a reaction of shock or disgust in his very young son.

So if he said this line is straight, you think it appropriate to just drop in 'Straight means sticking a willy in a woman's fanny' to an eight year old. One who wasn't questioning sexuality or a sexual act, but merely using a word.

I'm all for honest sexual education, I think children shouldn't be too shielded from things, but that's not what was happening here.

bethy15 · 29/07/2018 18:31

Wow! So I am the one with the problem?

Not to me, what he did was wholly inappropriate and incorrect.

Clairetree1 · 29/07/2018 18:31

It actually is, sadly it's used by them as slang for something being rubbish or wrong. Like 'that's so gay' and it's been around for years now, teenagers use it and it trickles down as those with older brothers/sisters hear it and repeat it.

that is completely unacceptable, and a school child heard using this term in or out of school around here would be immediately excluded.

If I emailed to say this had been said in my classroom, a senior manager would be at the door removing the individual within 5 minutes, that is the school policy, that is guaranteed, and that is what happens

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