Money causing family tensions

[RollUpTheHosepipe]

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

Of course you don't want to break up your home for the sake of 10K, BUT I would want to be very sure that;

1. If the house goes for a lot less than 120K, you re-access - you must have enough to buy a house in the right area for YOUR family.

2. The money goes in an account that he can't withdraw cash/write cheques from. It could be a joint one, but only you have the codes etc. If he's not going to give them any more, he shouldn't have a problem with that ...and it takes the pressure off him.

If you used your 60 grand as a deposit on a 150k house (which might be amazing, depends where you are in the U.K.) then your mortgage payments would only be about £400 a month, depending on mortgage length of term.

Don’t know what your paying now, but I can’t imagine it’s much less than that. It’s an absolute no brainer if you have kids, your PIL should be ashamed of themselves. Get them to put themselves down for a council house.

Why on earth would you want new expensive curtains and bedding when you can’t afford to buy a small house without extorting money from your only child

If you are willing to compromise on an extra £10k, make sure that you say the amount will be ‘half of the sale proceeds + 16%’ (60k + 10k if you get 120k for it AFTER FEES) rather than £70k or ‘half of the proceeds + £10k’
Fees will easily add up to at least £3k.
And if the asking price is £120k you may have to take £110 for it.

Best of luck with the conversation this afternoon. Shame you have to be badcop, but you can do this fir your children!!

God - they sound like my ex-IL’s. Ex-H was always bailing them out with our money (which I felt should have been for our children’s futures). They used to plead poverty and then when he chucked them money we’d find out they had book a round the world cruise (first class cabin obv), built a new extension etc.

If your DH does agree to this stick to your guns and don’t see them. They won’t care or understand, but it will be easier for you. I know and understand that you don’t want to divorce, but have you thought about couple’s counselling. I agree that your DH is so wrapped up in the dysfunctional relationship with his parents that he is financially disadvantaging his own children - perhaps some exploration might help him understand this better and the impact on you.

Keep pointing them to what they can afford. Shocking that they can afford a used park home but actually want to screw your family over to get a new one

His inertia when it comes to his parents is simply hurting him as well as you people as his family unit, a unit which he himself also created. As another20 has correctly pointed out it is his discomfort also that he wants to alleviate; he would like you all to get along so he does not have to deal with any of you.

You are also not responsible here for fracturing family dynamics either; they are.

His parents are abusive and have done a right number on him over the years. He needs therapy and sharpish; he could well again sell you and your kids down the river here to keep his parents happy.

If any money is given to his parents it will be breaking the terms of this agreement made all those years ago. This was not the intention of the person who made such a stipulation so DH would be going against that person's wishes as well.

If you end up not seeing the ILs I would not be subjecting your children to them either. They do not warrant seeing the emotional manipulation they have done to their dad and in turn you as their mother. They were not good parents (understatement) to your H when he was growing up so they are not good grandparent figures now for your children to be at all around. God knows what they will say about you in their presence, your DH is not going to back you up here and say anything to defend you because of his own fear, obligation and guilt re them. He is that afraid of them and really does want their approval, approval by the way they will never give him.

Have a look at the website entitled Out of the FOG.

How are you @RollUpTheHosepipe? Are you packing for a house move or have you dug up the patio?

Good luck today. I guarantee if he offers 10,000 it won’t be enough.

Hopefully it will be the shock he needs to see them for what they are.

Any progress, op?

I hope the silence doesn't mean they've been promised all the money.

Christ, your PILs are fucking terrible people, aren't they? I'm sure some else has recommended Toxic In-Laws, it's a good read.

Hope today went your way

We’re back and unscathed! Things actually went a lot differently to how I was expecting. PIL made mentions of going to see a couple of used park homes that fit into their budget, whether that was an intention to guilt trip or not I’m unsure but if it was it definitely didn’t work. Neither them or us said anything about any extra money, and, even if DH is set on giving them something, I’m intending to make sure he doesn’t volunteer that information because I’m sure they’d immediately start looking at options for their share plus 10k.

We have massive concerns about them moving into a park home still, but I feel they’re better left for another time, DH is intending to go and view with them so he’s going to go armed with a list of concerns we’d like to have addressed.

So, for now, all quiet on the western front. All we can do for now is wait and see how things go over the next few days/weeks, and take it as it comes, I suppose.

Well done - thats great news.

I hope that it all sinks in for DH - maybe keep finding ways for him to "see" what is going on - lots of nudging, links, counselling etc. Dont just see this as a one off incident. There will be more dramas and dilemmas.

I would also get ahead of the game - get house hunting yourself - get your £60K "spent" on a great home for you and the children. Get the children involved and excited with viewings so that your DH can see what they deserve.

Would be careful with him doing the viewings with his DP alone - they might start blackmailing him? Maybe don't encourage his involvement in this process at all? Or go with him....?

I just came on to say the same thing as another20. Your DH will go and his mum will be doing the sad little puppy dog eyes looking at park homes that are small and pokey, saying while she sighs, oh well, this is all we can afford etc. He'll be guilted into giving more. Don't let him go alone. They didn't say much today as they know they're out of order. They're going to change tack - get your DH on his own and for him to feel sorry for them. You need to go along with a bright cheery, ooh this is lovely, we can help you paint this room and your sofa should fit in nicely etc. Beware.

Please have look at the Emerging from Broken website as well as other sites and books already recommended.

I agree. This is a temporary retreat, designed to make you think you've 'won'. It is a battle to them, a battle to get what they want, and fully believe they deserve.

If they retreat you relax, you're all friends again, then SLAM! they hit you with the next round.

It will come, it always does. They still want every penny of that money.

What is a park home? Is it like a halting site retirement village?

I never ever heard of one before this thread.

Well done to the OP, you have been given great advice, I hope your husbands eyes will be opened before he gives them anything else.
He has already given them 20 years free rent. Best wishes to you and I hope you can break free.

Park home = static caravan

If I can be so bold to throw my tuppence in. Their purchase of a park Home, whilst the majority of us know is completely bonkers and as much use as a chocolate teapot, is their concern. Not yours. What you spend your share on is not their concern. I think your DH needs to step back from this potential purchase, let them spend their share as they see fit. Whilst it's hard to stand back and watch the shit hit the fan, it's better than getting too close to it. Glad today went well, just don't let your guard down!

Problem is the DH is so enmeshed with them when it does hit the fan they will expect and guilt him in to bailing them out...

Still you have more time to get him in a healthier position before that happens!

That’s my concern RandomMess, that if (when) it does all go wrong they will lose what they have and actually be in a position where they will be homeless without our help and then it’s going to be impossible to say no.

I feel like now there are two separate issues, which need to be tackled in different ways. There’s the immediate issue of the money, which is urgent and so needs to be faced head on. Unfortunately it’s logistically impossible for me to go to the viewings too, but DH has sworn that he will make no promises or enter into discussions with them without talking to me first, and I believe him. By that I mean not a quick text or phone call, but him leaving the situation and coming home for us to discuss properly before any kind of decision is even hinted at. Under the circumstances that’s the best we can do, but I’m happy with that for now.

There’s then the larger issue of the relationship as a whole, and for that I need to play a long game. Tensions are already running high and DH is feeling torn between the two “camps”, if I charge in all guns blazing with “Your parents are toxic, you need to read this book, you need to go to counselling” there’s every chance he’ll shut down on me completely which then feeds back in to issue one and ruins my position there.

I’m definitely not a weak person and not one for backing down whenever possible, I just think if I’m not careful and don’t act with a measure of diplomacy here the whole thing could blow up in my face.

Book them a park Home holiday for the last week of the season???

You are dealing with this really well op. Kudos to you.

What another20 wrote; this is merely the first salvo in the war over what they still see as their money and the "peace for now" is but temporary. The power and control desires are still there and will be further ramped up soon enough particularly when your DH is on his own with them.

Note too that neither parents apologised nor have actually accepted any responsibility for their actions. Such people like these never do and your DH is still very much enmeshed with them.

I would not want him to go view park houses with his parents either given they will make hang dog eyes at him. If they did become homeless this would be a result of their own financial undoing; its not your problem even then. They would not and indeed have not helped you at all.

His parents have really done a huge amount of emotional harm to your H. This whole "torn between two camps" is really your H's inertia at work here when it comes to his parents. His primary loyalty is now to you people as his family unit rather than his parents who would still bleed him dry financially and emotionally. He simply even now does not want to deal with them and would rather you all got along so that he does not have to do anything else. Its that uncomfortable to him but it is what it is and he is going to have to face this at some point. He will be in a similar state of inertia and FOG for the rest of his days otherwise.

Emerging from Broken is definitely work a read as is this:-

[[https://agileleanlife.com/toxic-parents/]]

The park home holiday is a good shout...we had to abandon ours when the rains came, it was so noisy hammering on the steel shell we couldn’t sleep. Maybe get a copy of that Homewise thing the pp mentioned