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Original poster

Money causing family tensions

392 replies

RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 18:30

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

OP posts:
GeorgeIII · 30/07/2018 12:58

Have you got your share of the money yet? You could stick it in a two/ five year bond which means that you lose money if you take the money early. Puts it out of reach for a while. Or even premium bonds-it would be harder to ask for some if it was out of reach. Or make it a loan, draw up document with solicitor who I’m sure would advise against Park Home.

Robin2323 · 30/07/2018 13:02

Mobile homes are freezing in winter.
I wouldn't put a dog in one.
Nice in the summer.
What makes them think it's a good idea ?
Is some one trying hard sell with them ?
Bungalow or caravan?
It's a no brainer.
Mil has always tried to emotionally black mail us.
Sadly after 20'years she went too far over the line and we've been no contact for couple of years.
I still think about holding out the olive branch but have to remind myself she's hurt dh enough already.
You sound lovely and like a pp said, get some house brochures and show the family what's out there x

lindyhopy · 30/07/2018 15:29

Not sure if someone has said this already but my parents have a static caravan and we were talking about it at the weekend. They said that the majority of the sites have a limit the age of the caravan of around 8-10 years so that the site does not become shabby looking with lots of old caravans. So after 8 years you have to sell up and buy a new one or have it moved to a site that accepts older caravans (apparently these are few and far between in a lot of places). If this is the case for them they need to think how they would fund this when that time comes. They lose an awful lot of value quickly, don't know why anyone would choose this over a bungalow.

HebeJeeby · 30/07/2018 15:41

What about a bungalow near the site where they want to buy a holiday home and see if they can be members of the site and so have access to the facilities? Would that work? Agree with others that DH shouldn’t go looking at caravanscwith them as they’ll turn on the guilt tripping and it’s tantamount to him giving his tacit approval to the scheme.

user1457017537 · 30/07/2018 16:18

There are homes advertised in estate agents whereby you pay a proportion of the value and live in it until your demise. Your PIL would be able to buy one of these for their share of the proceeds of the house sale. I don’t know what the company is called but it sells to those who are over 55 years of age. There are homes available in Kent under this scheme.

fourquenelles · 30/07/2018 21:20

I sold my property to an over 60's couple who used Homewise for their purchase. I got the full market value.

My local Estate Agent worked with Homewise on all the properties they had on their books. Made no difference to me as a seller. So there is a wide range of potential properties out there if the PILs care to look.

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 31/07/2018 14:40

So DH has just had a text from PIL, they've found a home to go and look at, would he like to go, it's really lovely, here's a link... it's 100k Angry

So clearly last week was in one ear and out the other, and they're expecting to carry on regardless. DH is back to square one, fed up and pissed off and worried that this is going to cause a huge fall out, I'm utterly gobsmacked and restraining myself from calling them and telling them exactly what I think of them, it's all a mess again already. Ah well, it was a nice 2 days while it lasted.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 31/07/2018 14:45

Still a park home I assume? If they’re refusing to listen to him then he should play it the same way.

Send them a link to somewhere you’d want for the kids and tell them he’s looking forward to putting the deposit down and what a great life it’ll give their grandchild.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 14:49

I think you're both not being clear and final with them. This has to stop.

If you feel you have done that then your husband needs to texr back and say "how will you pay for it? "

Fishface77 · 31/07/2018 14:59

Just call them op!
Tell them if they persist you will leave DH and take at least half the inheritance and he can live with them in the Park home.
Fuck it, fall out with them, be the bad guy. And please please see a solicitor in view to what you could claim from the sale of the inherited property. Then when you buy a home insist on ring fencing that amount legally.

3luckystars · 31/07/2018 15:00

‘But you can’t afford that?’

This asking him to go and view houses is a set up. They want all the money and are going to make him give it to them.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 15:06

Op, ive just read your posts back, no one has actually said no to these people have they? All that's been said is they need to find something cheaper?

As such, I think you're now into you guys are in the wrong.

You both need to make a decision and then communicate that to them. If it's ten grand it's ten grand. You cannot just leave it open and hope they go lower.

Nanasueathome · 31/07/2018 15:10

Get your DH to message them back and ask how big a mortgage they will be able to get as the cost is way over their budget

Cherubfish · 31/07/2018 15:11

Hold firm OP. You know you are in the right. They're not going to give in easily, but you knew that didn't you? Be prepared to fight. Maybe a passive aggressive text back "or how about this one?" with a link to a 60k property?

freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 15:12

This thread makes me more and more livid every time I check in on it. I think I should hide it for my sanity.

I don’t know how you haven’t lost the plot here, OP

detdet · 31/07/2018 15:14

Yeah I'm getting really cross on your behalf too.

What would happen if you called them and explained your POV?

OliviaBenson · 31/07/2018 15:14

He should reply and ask how they are going to fund the remaining part and refuse to see it.

You have a big DH problem here. Is he suggesting he go and consider it? This would be a huge test of my relationship with him to be honest.

RandomMess · 31/07/2018 15:15

Is that a park Home rather than a house?

At least your DH knows that a park Home is a very bad idea so please persuade him to say "I will have nothing to do with you buying a park Home including paying any money from my inheritance towards it"

AngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 15:24

I'm not sure beinf annoyed on the ops behalf is right if I'm honest. It seems no decision is made, or if it is made ie the ten k no one has told the parents. All that's been said is you need to find something cheaper.

LookAtIt · 31/07/2018 15:33

Sorry if you have already addressed this but your husband mentioned that his parents had helped him out in the past? Do you know to what extent? If it’s to the tune of thousands then maybe they think he owes them the money?

fuzzywuzzy · 31/07/2018 15:36

can he text them and enquirer which mortgage company has agreed to give them a mortgage for £50k for a house they can’t feasibly live all year round?

mostdays · 31/07/2018 15:41

Then he needs to text straight back and remind them that they don't have £100k to spend.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 31/07/2018 15:52

He needs to say something along the lines of 'that's massively over budget from what you mentioned the other day isn't it?' And see what he comes back with!

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 31/07/2018 16:31

They haven't helped DH financially as far as I'm aware, he lived in the house with them until we moved in together. The only money he's taken from them to my knowledge was a grand, which was repaid, so there's no obligations there.

And yes, still a park home, they are totally unwilling to look into anything else. Trust me, I'm edging closer and closer to completely flipping my lid, I am hanging on by the merest of threads! I completely agree that whatever decision there is needs to be communicated clearly, which I'm trying to do but DH is still wavering around without wanting to actually commit to anything concrete, I'm starting to lose patience with him too.

We don't have the kind of relationship where me and PIL communicate independently of DH, I can count on one hand the number of conversations I've had with them without his presence in the last 12 years. If I called them and explained my point of view world war 3 would ensue.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 31/07/2018 16:38

If you reply to say you are also looking at houses, they're going to show their true colours pretty fast. They'll be asking how you can afford it, how much deposit you need etc. In other words, they'll be saying all the things your DH should really be saying to them.

It would horrify them to think you were considering using the money yourselves as they want it all.

It could be a no fuss way for DH to reply to them, without being confrontational. Be clear, to them it is confrontational because they want the money. But it's a shortcut to them demanding it. And a way to open more dialogue with your husband.