Money causing family tensions

[RollUpTheHosepipe]

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

PIL made the decision to sell the house, because they want to downsize. The park home was their idea, and they’re totally set on it and refuse to consider anything else.

I do intend to ask them what their future plans are, because it needs to be clear that there will be nothing more forthcoming from us. I say this, but at the moment I’m sure that if in ten years they come back to us cap in hand I’ll be back here again, probably arguing about remortgaging the house we’ve bought to help them out. I’m not feeling very positive at the moment.

Why is he offering 10k now? They want 100k so this doesn't solve their problem it will end up being 20k next week. I really think you need to ring them up and be firm with them because your DP can't. You are going to resent them forever for this so you have nothing to lose by putting them.in their place. This is your money too.

At this rate you'll be divorced by then because of them :(

They really are hard work aren't they?
Whatever happens when the house is sold, I think they need to hear that when their holiday in a static caravan is over (which could be after one winter), you won't be bailing them out.
Personally I think the message should be that the will is a legal document, and it must be settled properly. If your husband does whatever it takes to keep his parents happy now, why wouldn't he do the same when their caravan days end? They'll arguably be in a worse position to sort themselves out then, once they've spent the money, and they could argue that you both agreed with the caravan otherwise why did you help them pay for it? So it's your job to fix it.
This is a crossroads isn't it?

Print out some copies of the type of houses YOU want to buy, and take them along to the meeting. Show it to your DH and them, as in "Look, here's a 3 bed house that would be perfect for us and the kids. BUT, we can't buy it with less than £50 - £60K as a deposit". Let him, and them, give a valid reason why you and the kids can't get your home.

Have you had any proper answer what they are going to do if the Park Home isn't allowed on site when it reaches a certain age (I think it's 10 years or so??).

A straight answer to this is absolutely non-negotiable, and I would be linking any £10K gift to getting an answer. And no, "Seeing how it goes" is not an answer. Do they have the CASH stashed away to buy another or move it (where??) or not?? I do understand that your DH is lost in the FOG, but his parents are fully functioning adults (in their 60's) - they must have some kind of wishes/expectations, which are ;

1. They have enough cash to buy another - bearing in mind anything they do buy now will depreciate a lot.
2. They intend to move in with you, once they've spent it all.
3. They will bully DH into giving them all the money now behind your back.

I would be asking DH before the meeting which he thinks is the most likely, and insisting they answer. If he (and they) refuse, I would be seriously considering my future life and marriage.

Also your DH needs proper long-term counselling to understand how life has been manipulated by the sorry efforts he has for parents.

Ok, I can understand why he wants to help them, and you still get 50 k so it's not the end of the world and I think a reasonable compromise. It's difficult when your parents put you under this kind of pressure.

But now he needs to tell them. As these folks are looking at homes they simply can't afford and if the house is up for sale, they need to start changing direction fast.

Have you tied him down to when? That's the next thing, and yes you need to be there, I think he needs to call them tonight and explain. This needs to finish.

The other thing you do need to consider isn't what happens if rhe house sells for less? He needs to make it clear it's 10k on a 120 sale. Anything less than that the 10 is reduced.

I feel so sick for you and angry at their awful behaviour. You’re more gracious than me, I would never, ever have anything to do with them again and my DC would be LC with such horrible people.

Im curious why they expect their son to deprive his own children in favour of them. Were either of their parents like this, i.e. were they expected to give up assets to one or other set of your husbands grandparents, instead of providing for your husband?

If not, then why do they expect it for themselves; if yes, then you know this irrational expectation goes back a long way and will be more difficult to change.

We’ve agreed at least that we need to walk away with a minimum of 50k. If the house goes for less, we still get that. If it goes for 120 exactly, they pay the fees out of what’s left after our 50. If it goes for more, we revert to 50/50.

He says he won’t do it over the phone, so he’ll go on his way home from work tomorrow. I say no, I want to be there, so we’ll go together at the weekend. He says I’m treating him like a child and should trust him. I say after this maybe I can’t trust him. Look what it’s doing already.

Remind him that they need to see s united front and then it's 2 versus 2 rather than 2 on 1

It really stinks that he can't see how bad it really is

They are not just taking from your husband but they are taking from you and your children too. Put your foot down, who cares what they think (and they clearly think nothing of their own son and his grandchildren to want to deprive him of something so important, simply due to their complete and utter selfishness and greed). Also do NOT bother to compromise (as there's absolutely nothing whatsoever to compromise about). His DP's will take his offer of a compromise as a 'yes' anyway and then keep on at him until they break him down. Tell them no, and be done with it. If talking to them is difficult, write them a brief letter stating very simply that you are unable to accommodate their request as it will be to the detriment of your family. Then ignore them for 4-8 weeks. After that time is up, they will (or at least should) realise that is the end of the matter. As a previous poster said, take the emotion out of it. They are not thinking of him or his family, so why should anyone give a stuff about them. Let them sod off (CF's!!). Trust me, saying no and sticking to it will be far simpler then all this stress and faffing about. Write them a letter and then ignore their calls and attempts to communicate until you are absolutely certain the penny has dropped with them.

I still cannot get my head around the fact they have lived rent/ mortgage free for the last 20 years but are still unable to fund themselves
They should have been paying your DH a monthly sum for letting them continue to live there whilst your family have had to rent a property

well I certainly wouldn't trust him OP .. sorry

I don’t want to pour oil on troubled waters but why don’t they rent for six months in one of these park homes. They really may not like it after living in a large house. They seem really immature and a nightmare. Do they even like caravans, have they stayed in any?

Start looking at properties for your family and get him excited about that- it will hopefully focus his mind. Good luck

Yeah, I think it's interesting he tried to do this without you op. He won't call them, wants to go on his own after work, and complains when you say you want to be there.

I suspect he feels backed into a corner. He knows it's the right thing to do but he wants to give them the money. I'd insist on being there, because I suspect he will tell them if it was up to him they'd have it all but you won't let him.

I wouldn't trust him either as he has shown who his priorities are

No, I would not trust this either, as said, not that he won't tell them, but I'd suspect he will tell them it's because of the op and make her the fall guy. He wants to do it alone so he can blame her.

I so hope your DH mans up and stops this for you OP. Lots of constructive advice above.

Stand firm and definitely see a solicitor sooner rather than later!

oh OP am feeling for you - this has echoes of a thread (long running) from a few years ago. There was farm property involved and possibly the DH was religious, family was quite well off - posh dinner parties but DH's DW was sidelined in some way (I think) and the DH was so emeshed. The OP of that thread tried and tried to open his eyes, he just kept falling back in. I do think you need a line in the sand and stick to it - £50k on a £120k sale may well be that. But - and I'm never one to chuck in a ltb - if your DH tries to move on that then surely your ability to respect him as the man you love and the father of your children gets diminished?

Very best wishes

I think you are doing brilliantly.
It’s not easy standing up to a DH who has been ‘money conditioned’ by parents all of his life- trust me, I’m with you on that one!

DONT give up sweetheart. Stand your ground. Remember you are doing this for the security of your children!
I would most certainly be printing off some property’s of the type you could afford with a £50k deposit and make it quite clear that your £50k is utterly non-negotiable.
I wouldn’t be telling them how much you will save each month on mortgage compared to rent either or with their track record I think they would be asking your hubby to pay the ground rent on their big waste of money- sorry, caravan.
Also, make it doubly clear that they will not be moving inwith you for the months they have to vacate the park and 100% NOT moving in when they get kicked off the park in ten years and have no home and no money. I would say that they are buying a depreciating asset against your wishes and that you will not be bailing them out when they are homeless as they are going against everything which is common sense.

Be strong. Stick to your guns. Tell DH that he has to stand up to his parents for the security of his children. And I would also inform him that under no circumstances would you ever do anything like this to your kids and so the cycle is being broken here and now. This is the last thing like this which happens. No more parents taking financial advantage of their children and grandchildren.
Good luck and thanks for providing regular updates.

I'd be telling DH that he has to earn your trust given that he's prepared to shaft his family for the sake of appeasing his parents.

Him deflecting onto you is telling.

I would have zero respect for my DH if he sold our future, especially that of our children down the river like that. That probably would make me walk away. That is family money, family being you, your OP and your kids, not his parents who had so much already, while you are still starting out in life.