Money causing family tensions

[RollUpTheHosepipe]

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

Next thing they'll want your DH to sign over his half so they can stay there and do equity release.

I just had a thought. Don’t you still have to pay ground rent and fees on a park Home. Have these been taken into account

I'd be unhappy if my PIL invested their money in a park home....I'd be even more unhappy if they wanted to invest my money. It's just money down the drain really. It would have to be a 'No' from me.

So if the situation was different, you'd both been saving for a deposit or had started to put money away for your children, and your pil wanted to move but couldn't afford it, would your dh take money from these accounts to give to them.
Essentially them same end result.

You essentially need to make your DH realise that his life will be much worse if he betrays his wife and children than if he upsets his parents. That should stop him wavering and acquiescing to their demands.

OP you are the sane one here. You need to remember that YOU are the only one with your DCs as a priority. £30k is rightfully yours - you should threaten to take this by separating - so that you can put a roof over your DC’s head.

Your IL are toxic but your DH is v selfish - his personal discomfort trumps the basic needs of his children and marriage. He needs counselling. I was in your situation, we separated over, he then saw what he had lost, dealt with it and came home. We have a child with SEN and needed specific educational support - there was no way that I was going to sacrifice my child’s development over toxic IL and enmeshed DH.

You are the sane one - step in for your DCs. Yes all hell will let loose - but them with all your inheritance in a depreciating asset is immoral and will be a long term living hell anyway.

They are greedy and feckless. There is no way £10k will suffice.

Do not give an inch to these people.

Get house hunting yourself - plan a with £60 deposit x2 salaries - plan b with £30 one salary.

Your DH needs to see your strength and focus for the right thing to happen here. You must not also get enmeshed and then complicit in this theft, betrayal, exploitation from YOUR CHILDREN - get your Mumma bear out, protect your cubs and fight to put a roof over their heads.

He’s an only child, in which case he gets to own the whole house so that none of it can be taken in care fees

Dowser - I don’t understand what you mean?

Even if they sign the house over to their son, if the parents need care in the future, the council can consider such gifts as deliberate deprivation of assets.

Blue - yes that is my understanding also. But that scenario would never ever happen with those two either!

OP I really wouldn’t get diverted with convincing them that a Park home is a poor investment - that will be a distraction from the real issue. Keep laxer focused on that.

What’s the background story here - for a couple in their 60’s only having raised one child rent free for 20 years to be penniless is unusual - addiction? Unemployment? MH issues?

another20 I was referring to Dowsers post, which suggested that future care home fees wouldn't be an issue. Even if it's not relevant here, I wouldn't want anyone reading the thread to just accept that. I thought it would be clear that I was referring to a previous post.

No unemployment, they both worked full time as long as I have known them, and were with the same companies for many years, so presumably have pensions from those along with state pension. MIL retired a few years ago after being off sick for a long period, FIL last year. No addictions or gambling problems that I’m aware of, although MIL has always has a terrible spending habit that has worsened since her health started to worsen and she was forced the leave work. Last year DH mentioned his worries about this, as she’d get a card saying there was a parcel to be collected almost every day, and would more often than not have no idea what it was.

I feel like this has moved on so much from the money, and that’s what I’m struggling to get DH to see. I’m not some grasping cow who wants to take his parents for everything we can get, I’m frustrated that this is a life long pattern of behaviour from them and him, that he always chooses to prioritise them, whether the issue is big or small, and then unless he draws a line and says no more this will continue for the rest of their lives.

I’ve started reading Toxic Parents myself, in the hopes of persuading DH ago do the same, and I’m honestly shocked by how much of the behaviour described in the book is similar to the relationship between DH and his parents. But I’m sure that if I were to insist he read it at the moment, he just wouldn’t see it, or would refuse to admit it. I noticed the same author had written a book called Toxic In Laws, so I’m going to move onto that next.

We’re also arranging a session with an online counsellor for the next few days. I’m hoping that an non involved, non judgemental party asking the right questions will allow DH to start to consider that maybe things aren’t right after all. I don’t even care about the ten grand any more, I care that this is potentially a huge turning point in our lives and that if DH doesnt see the damage that could be done by this soon, it could be too late.

It is so sad that your DH is deeply enmeshed with them and just can't see. Really the PIL will spend every penny they can get access to because they want what they want and now

I hope the counselling session helps

Op, take a step back here. People will egg you on and catastrophise on here. It's not their lives and they like a little drama. This is not worth losing your marriage over and he has compromised, this is his parents.

Yes he wants to give them ten grand, yes it's awful they expected, but you're still going to come out of this with fifty grand, as long as he tells them with you present, I wouldn't go too far here in trying to kill the relationship he has with his parents, or ultimately damaging your marriage over ten grand. You also need to comprimise and try to understand that for all their faults this is parents.

I get the principle, but I suspect the replies on here are pushing you further than you should be going, take a step back, put the books down, take a deep breath and try to meet your husband. At this rate you are both going to do irretrievable damage to your marriage over ten grand.

Bluntness excellent post

I understand what you're saying, and as I've previously said I'm not going to end my marriage over ten grand. But, as other people have rightly surmised, it's not just this one incident, it's the culmination of many other occasions, small and large, where he has prioritised his relationship with his parents over his relationship with me. It's not the first time this has come up, and it's not going to be the last. I said early on that we've had ups and downs recently, and a large part of those have been to do with the way we have both treated our relationship in the past, I'm not saying that I'm blameless at all.

We're both making efforts to change this, and, for me, I would feel much more secure in our marriage moving forwards if I was to feel that his priorities lay with me and his children. In the past it's been demonstrated that this isn't the case, so I think regardless of the money it needs to be dealt with.

I think that counselling is going to be a positive step for us, as we can both air our grievances and hopefully find a way to help each other to feel more secure moving forwards. He is my husband, I adore him, and I would back him to the hilt if I felt that he was making these decisions because he truly felt it was the right thing to do without any coercion, but if I don't I'm not going to stand by and say nothing. I would expect and hope that he would do the same for me.

RollUp you're a woman after my own heart. You're seeing this in totally the right way and I can see you getting stronger. I'm dealing with a similar situation but nowhere near as bad as yours and I feel exactly the same way.

My DPs toxic relationship with another person is having a big impact on our relationship. We don't have DCs and there is the prospect that this person will be out of his life eventually. Even so, I have seriously considered walking away.

Stay strong, it's the only way you will save your marriage and if you do end up walking away in the future you will know you did everything you could to save it. This is a far, far deeper issue than the money.

OP you can only go on your own journey - get informed by the experts etc - you cannot force your DH to see it exactly as you do at the same time. He needs to go on his own journey. As someone said above gently hold husband handbag through this - but keep leading and supporting him in the right direction. I know how frustrating and painful this can be. But if this toxicity continues your marriage is damaged by 1000 cuts anyway whether you stay in it or leave. Get support for yourself as well, it’s a tough place to keep standing strong.

Thought that there could be addiction / MH issue somewhere - sounds like the MIL is a spendaholic. This needs tackling by someone and seems to be the drain that the roof of your DCs head is being poured down, enabled by DH and FIL.

Keep being the sane one, looking out for your DCs.

Blue yes I could see that you were referring to Dowsers post - my comment ‘not relevant here’ was referring to the IL’s as in they would never sign the whole house over to their son - not that the info in your post was not relevant - which I agreed with 100% - sorry if this wasn’t clear.

Op, all I can say is you started this a week ago, stating you didn't want to lose your husband over this, and that you would support him.

A week later you're in counselling, your marriage has existing problems, even giving them ten grand is too much for you and you're even forecasting the end of your marriage if he does not do what you wish.

You seem unwilling to compromise and see his side at all. And I deeply suspect many of rhe replies egging you on are part of the reason why.

Just remember that when the drama is done, the posters will move onto another thread, and you will be sitting with a marriage that is all but over, with both of you seething with resentment.

He has agreed you guys keep 50 grand, he has agreed to partially help his parents to the tune of ten grand, even though he is fully aware of the impact on them, and although it's their fault, they are still his parents, he has agreed to tell them when you are there.

It's up to you if you wish to show this man any form of compassion in understanding he loves his parents and although he sees their faults, that won't change and by keeping 50 k for you guys, he has tried to reach a comprimise, with you being first.

You don't have to do that it's your call. But you're going somewhere I don't think you wished To go a week ago.

Hand !!! Not handbag...

I agree you need to draw an artificial line between the issues:

Walking away with £50k (or whatever your limit really is) on this one issue.

That your DH deals with the enmeshment.

In reality they are completely intertwined but at what point would the money value become a deal breaker now - if they do actually sell that is.

Sorting out the enmeshment is a much longer process.

It's horrible realising your marriage has deep problems, finding a level where what £ is given to them without the resentment destroying the marriage is very difficult.

Another way to view it is that many people don't inherit so would have that financial gain so you could let it all go but on the condition that he has therapy and disentangles himself from his provider role and prioritises you guys from now on.

I kind of think the best solution for now is they stay put giving you and DH several years to resolve the core issue.

There is no deal breaker here as such. If he feels that all he can do is make a compromise on this issue then that's what will be done, and I'm not going to pack my bags over that. But the deeper issues will still remain, and all this does is compound them, so I feel like counselling to help us deal with that fact can only be a good thing. It could be that my feelings are totally wrong, in which case I'll use the counselling to work on those. Or, it could be that we're both guilty of not seeing the other's point of view, in which case we can hopefully get help there.

Bluntness I appreciate your perspective on things, but a few days ago you were telling me to seek legal advice, that what they were doing is toxic and awful and that my husband was attempting to emotionally blackmail me. I understand that you're counselling to keep a level head, which is what I'm trying to do throughout what is a very emotive issue, hence seeking outside help (with my husband's full backing) I assure you that the existing issues have been there long before this week, and are actually something for which we've been vaguely discussing counselling for some time, but at the time of my first post I didn't think they were relevant, when clearly they are

This is a messy situation where we're both just trying to do our best, but both have the common goal of us coming out the other end of it together and intending to stay that way. I am trying to see my husband's point of view, but if we were in the same position with our children I can say without a doubt that I wouldn't act the same way, nor would I with my parents, so I am struggling to understand the sense of obligation he feels here. I'm sure he's feeling the same way about trying and failing to see my perspective.

I can't talk to anyone in real life about this, so maybe my posts have been an outlet for the impotence and anger I'm feeling but can't express any other way. I assure you I'm not about to get swept up in any cries of LTB, I'm just trying to deal with things the best way I can and get support wherever it can be found.

Agree op and ii accept my part in this, it's simply taken a turn I didn't envisage.

A week ago you wanted him to decide and you'd support him, irrelevant of even if he gave them it all, he was your husband and you loved him and you couldn't believe you were arguing over money.

A week later it seems nothing short of him giving them nothing will make you happy and your marriage has now got deep problems. Counselling is fine, it's good, but I'm trying to point out how far you've switched direction.

And it's not about you packing your bags, it's about causing such resentment in him and you that your marriage will never, ever recover, that both of you will end up packing bags. I think you're on the way there now, hence why I'm trying to get you to pause for breath.

He's reached a comprimise. It's hugely in your favour, it will be hard for him due to the fact these are his parents, irrelevant of how toxic they are, but the man has done everything you wished, except give them nothing and cut all contact.

In marriage compromise is everything and I really doubt any conseller is going to tell you otherwise.

I'm fully expecting compromise to be discussed. I've undertaken counselling in the past and a part of that is accepting that your actions have an impact on others, and considering that impact, so I go in with an open mind, fully expecting to have to do so with some guidance. As much as I may be being wilful here, I am agreeing to the compromise, but I can't pretend to do so with good feeling, or hide the reasons why. I haven't asked him to cut contact, and I would never do so, but he also needs to understand the impact that his decisions in one relationship may be having on another and explore that for himself.

We're taking this step precisely because we don't want resentment to build. Whatever the outcome here, one or both of us is going to be left feeling that the other has been unreasonable in their view, and if we attempt to carry on regardless then that would, over time, maybe grow to something we can't manage. By addressing this now, we can hopefully reach a place of peace for both of us, and put this behind us with better coping strategies for if/when the same things arise in the future.

Do you think your husband would sit up and take notice if you start house hunting and showing him what your budget (for arguments sake £50k) could get you?

If you made appt to view properties with that deposit in mind and also throw in the property with £60k deposit for comparison.

I found my DP, didn’t show much enthusiasm till we were properly house hunting and he saw what we could get with the money we had together versus the money from only one pot.

I don’t think you should LTB. But I do think you tell him clearly that when his parents venture fails you won’t pick up the pieces.