Money causing family tensions

[RollUpTheHosepipe]

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

It would actually put us in a worse position if we were to buy while DH still owns his share. It counts as a first property, even though he doesn't own all of it, so we would not be eligible for any first-time buyer rates, and would have to pay stamp duty on the home we buy, even if it's under the usual threshold.

Sounds like you're stuck either way although when you finally do inherit it will be a nice nest egg for your DC if you no longer need it!

Presumably you can't but just in your name so at least you get first time buyer rights?

It’s amazing how bad with money your parents in law are.

They have been given such an opportunity (rent free for 20 years and 60k) and they are still so fucking stupid that they may end up homeless.

Is there any way they could speak to a financial advisor? Maybe your husband could suggest they all seek professional advice before making any decisions. Then everything will be out on the table, your husband needs 50K for your deposit, end of story. Then it would be someone else spelling it out to them, rather than your husband, who loves them and doesn’t want to hurt them.

Your poor dh. How would he know what’s right when that is who he learned from. Two complete idiots.

It would seriously dent the amount we'd be offered for a mortgage. I do work full time and don't make bad money, but DH makes way more, so it's not really an option if we're looking for a decent sized house for our family, unfortunately.

But would it still be better than renting?? Make do with somewhere less ideal and get out of the rental trap?

I suppose in theory it would, but that's a separate issue to consider down the line I think. Without the inheritance, we'd be looking at another 2-3 years minimum before we could save enough to buy anyway.

Just read through your thread. Echoing posters who are finding it difficult to believe parents can be so selfish. They've lived in the house for years without paying anything for rent so your family has never benefitted from that house. And now they are being utterly manipulative and want to take the whole lot.

Have they thought about what happens in old age if one or both need to go into homes? Where will the money for that come from?

Can you not move in it and buy them out? Or suggest it?
Id be tempted to move in anyway, and save the money from renting. Youd be in a much stronger position.

Or, you could offer to let them buy you out of the house for £50-60k?
They could get a small mortgage and you’d have a clean break.

If they were to buy us out they would end up with a mortgage, or if we buy them out they still only end up with their half of the property. Neither of these would be acceptable outcomes for them, they want enough to buy what they want debt free.

Aside from the fact that the house is 30 minutes away from where we live now which would mean moving away from family, friends, and moving the kids away from their school and friends, moving in with the PIL would only ensure that I ended up with a nice long rent free stretch myself, at her majesty’s pleasure

They do have you both over a barrel and they clearly know it.

All you can hope is they do the right thing, but I'd guess the odds are low based on their behaviour to date. I'd assume this was always their plan, to take the lot as they see it as their house, and simply thought your son would do as he was told.

Their son!

Apologies if someone has suggested before, but if you download title at Land Registry, as far as I am aware, you can tell if the owners are joint tenants because there will be no restriction registered against the owner name inSection B Proprietorship Register. Prob useful to see how owned though as you say DH isn't going to force a sale!

Hmmm couldn't DH take out a mortgage out against his share of the property to use a deposit against a house in your name (or both)?

I would speak to a financial advisor there are several options if they decide to stay put without forcing them out

As I understand it, we wouldn't be able to raise a mortgage against DH's half, as if we were to default the bank cannot repossess half a house. There may be something that could be done if they were in agreement and were named on the mortgage, but for obvious reasons, that's something I'd prefer to avoid.

He’s an only child, in which case he gets to own the whole house so that none of it can be taken in care fees

The money tied up in current home is far safer than the park home. At some point it will give you and DC a nest egg.

I would check the joint/tenants in common ownership though. If, god forbid, anything happened to your DH, the house would go to PIL if it’s held as joint tenants. Whereas he can ensure his half share goes to you if it’s tenants in common. I think it’s fairly easy to change from joint, but you’d need legal advice.

Also for Saturdays meeting, would some hard facts help? Eg of you printed out costs of new park home, rental fees and then the potential value of the park home after 5/10/20 years. Once it’s there in black and white that they are proposing to lose their and DH’s money, it might be clearer to all why DH is not happy.

They might be better off selling and renting somewhere with their £60k and potentially getting benefits to help with rent in their old age. I wouldn’t advocate this normally but they seem so clueless about the park home.

No advice to add to the already excellent stuff you have had already. I just wanted to say how much I admire how you are handling all of this.

Try to look after your own mental well-being in all the madness x

They want to sell a £120K property to "downsize" and buy a £100K property on a park that will come with fees?

They're mad. But you know that already.

Just sympathy, I'm afraid. I have no practical advice but I would be livid with my DH if he did this.

They want their sons half to go towards a new, built for them, park home even though it'd mean years before the son owned a house, even after they've paid no mortgage or rent for 20 years? Dafuq is wrong with them

I think you should approach this with extreme clarity and focus. Don't get distracted by emotion, that's where your husband is at.

Take costings and financial docs as per a PP's suggestion on the park home rules, regulations and depreciation.

Take costings of how long it will take you and your DH to save for a mortgage deposit.

Take information on the barriers to getting a mortgage whilst your DH still owns 50% of another house.

Take options -

a) PIL sell for 120K and get £60K less 50% fees.
b) PIL sell for £120K and get £70K less 100% fees.

c) PIL get a mortgage for £50K and stay put, getting full ownership.
d) PIL sign over the house to your DH's full ownership, in exchange for £70K (you and DH raise a mortgage). They move out or pay rent.
e) PIL stay put and pay 50% market rent on DH's share, enabling you to raise a deposit quicker.

Don't let any of the options be all about them. This should be a discussion not about what they want, but about what both families NEED.

I know I'm going partly against the tide but not all parkhomes are as you all say. 2 very good friends and ex colleagues live in them as does my Dad. None must leave for any part of the year. None have to replace the home in 10 years - no limit. One on Dad's estate has been there over 30 years and there is no pressure to move or update - it is a fabulous home and is in top nick inside, lived in by a 90+ yo. One of the friends lives in one with a gym & swimming pool etc free to the residents for little extra (£100 p.a.) Yes there are horror stories but my experience (second hand) is not bad. If that's what they want to do, let them!

If they stay in the house and it looks like a serious, long-term decision, consider moving well away from them, somewhere cheaper to live where you can get on the properly ladder and make a new life much further from their influence.

I have to say buying them out for £x amount and then either selling or renting it out short term is a good option. Mid term you need to sell up though so they don't claim a further stake

In some ways I can see the advantage of paying them off just to cut financial ties.