Money causing family tensions

[RollUpTheHosepipe]

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

Bluntly put, he has demonstrated that he is untrustworthy when dealing with his parents and is unable to put his family first. I get why you are accepting 10k as a gift. It doesn't seem to me like his parents will be happy with that. Brace yourself for the fallout. Sorry it's come to this.

Do encourage him to read toxic parents. I know it may be too much for him to deal with right now, but his parents are absolute leeches.

I agree this is a very painful thread to read. The extraordinary decisions they are making, the utter fecklessness of them. The cruelty, no doubt from thoughtlessness but no less cruel for that.

Get busy house hunting tomorrow.

They have been living rent / mortgage free for 20 years.
Let’s assume they saved £100 a month (£25 per week) they would have at least £24k in the bank, more if you account for interest.
Also in reality rent or mortgage would be more like £100 a week so it should be 4 times that so nearly £100k plus their half of the equity plenty to buy their Park home.
I know hindsight is marvellous but THEY chose not to save so why is it your family’s responsibility to dig them out of a hole now?

Property Lawyer here. Free legal advice DO NOT BUY A PARK HOME - E V E R!

They are a monumentally bad idea, cannot be lived in year round, poorly insulated and the additional ground rent fees payable can often be raised substantially. You frequently don't even have a fixed plot so the landowner can decide to move you from the nice plot with a decent view to one at the back of the park and there is nothing you can do about it.

Also the buildings are temporary structures so deteriorate and loose value quickly.

They may as well throw their money away as buy one.

OP, I really feel for you, this is an awful situation to be in. I had something similar happen two months after our DS was born but I took the approach of focusing on what was best for our child. Kept reiterating that DS would be missing out (we want to buy a family home soon) so Pils could benefit. And I kept asking DH, who should a father prioritise, his own child or his parents? I heard “But they’ve done so much for me” quite a bit and I’d reply that of course they had, they’re his parents, they’re supposed to!!! So why wasn’t he doing the same for his DS??!!

It took a lot of arguments and tears, but eventually he saw that taking care of his own little family first was the right way to go. It caused me so much stress and did affect my relationship with the pils, but I don’t really care, not of my making!!!

You need to realise that if he gives them the money, it will affect your relationship with them but also him. You need to make him aware of this! I was definitely starting to resent DH for not making our DS his number 1 priority.

It will lead to massive issues in your marriage down the line if he gives them this money.

I have woken up this morning absolutely murderous again, I had no idea that one person could feel so many emotions in the space of 24 hours! Massive thanks to all of you for reminding me that I’m the sane one here, without this thread I’m sure I would have eventually caved and given them whatever they wanted.

So the plan now is this, all at my request-

• We are going to speak to PIL together this weekend. Any requests/begging between then and now are to be replied to with “RollUp and I would prefer to discuss this in person, we will talk to you on Saturday as arranged”

• We come out of this with a minimum of 50k. If the house goes for what is expected, they take what’s left and pay any fees from that. If it goes for less, we still take 50. More, and the situation needs to be revisited.

• Once they’re aware of this, ANY request for “Just another couple of thousand” will not be entertained and may cause us to rethink our position altogether. This is to be the last discussion any of us have on this subject.

• If they have to vacate for a certain period each year, they will not be staying with us.

• Should they find themselves homeless with no money down the line, they’ll have to do what anyone else would have to do and put themselves down for a council property. There is to be no more.

• If DH ever (be it in 2 weeks or 20 years) so much as floats the idea of giving his parents more money with me again, I will leave without a backwards glance. 50k is still, after all, a life changing sum of money for us, but I will not let this be the thin end of the wedge and let them think this is going to be more than a one off.

DH keeps looking at me and asking why I’m staring into space or look so sad, and that we can’t go on like this. I’ve told him just as he can’t help his feelings of obligation towards his parents, I can’t help mine of disappointment for our children. He needs to make this decision understanding that I am deeply hurt, and that’s not something that’s going to go away just because it makes him uncomfortable. I do feel bad for putting more pressure on DH, but I can’t pretend just to make things easier for him.

Does he agree with the park home idea? If not, why is he going along with it?

We come out of this with a minimum of 50k. If the house goes for what is expected, they take what’s left and pay any fees from that. If it goes for less, we still take 50. More, and the situation needs to be revisited.

I don't think this is clear enough. If the house goes for less, you still take 50k. What if it goes for 80k? If it goes for 130k you're back to negotiating.

I think you have to agree a fixed sum eg. 5K, on provision that the house goes for at least x amount and no more will be forthcoming. Otherwise it leaves too much room for their manoeuvring. They've already proven themselves very manipulative and pushy. Don't give them an inch.

Remind dh what you'll be doing with that money. It's a deposit on a house right? Start looking at houses you could afford with that deposit. I think he needs to see the reality of what you'll be sacrificing for the sake of your IL's new furniture .

To be honest, I think 10k is a reasonable compromise, when he is under this type of pressure and of course it's beyond shit that his parents want to take the money off him knowing they are in rented accommodation, and trying to secure their future over their sons, when they have other options and know they are robbing their son of an opportunity to buy. I also know though how hard it is for some folks to say no to their parents.

My concern now would be why he wishes to tell them alone and is effectively emotionally blackmailing the op to not be there.

I wouldn't be surprised if he turns up late home from work as he's went round and told them, becayse he won't take responsibility and wishes to tell them she won't permit it.

I also amnt sure the ten k will cut it, so there could be more to come here. They may also have already viewed this house before he tells them. There really is no reason he can't just pick up the phone.

DH is totally against the park home, but they are refusing to consider anything else as they’ve decided that’s what they want, so there’s little we can do except make it clear that this is their mistake to make and they will need to deal with the consequences.

They’ve already said that if they can’t move into what they want, despite the fact that the house is too much for them and they really need to downsize, they will stay where they are, which just keeps all the money tied up in the house and means we wouldn’t get anything anyway.

Holy shit, they've stated they will stop the sale if you don't give them the money, so you get nothing either way?

That's beyond awful and changes it. I think if it goes there, you need to seek legal advice.

Can your husband really not see what his parents are doing is awful?

Not as bluntly as “If you don’t give us the money”, but “If we can’t find anything suitable we’ll just have to stay where we are” with accompanying heavy sighs, which basically amounts to the same thing.

It may seem a little extreme, but would DH consider a short typed letter explaining that he has tried to talk them out of the park home, has suggested homewise and/or other alternatives and get them to sign they have seen it and are making this decision fully aware? Only because it’s not unknown for people to turn around and deny a conversation (plus then it may make them realise that huge depreciation etc are very real)

Blimey he needs some therapy and quick!

Yes, it does amount to the same thing. It's an implied threat.

I really don't know how people can treat their children like this.

A further meeting with them will also achieve nothing also because of your DH's inertia re his parents. He is still seeking their approval and that is something they will never give him. That inertia state on his part is also driving this as well as his toxic parents innate selfishness. he would rather you all get along so that he does not have to deal with this or any of you; he is that mired in inertia along with fear, obligation and guilt.

I would also take legal advice re this property sale too.

This is sadly not atypical of how such disordered of thinking people like OP's DHs parents behave, it really is not. I am sadly not at all surprised at how this has panned out to date and I also feel that any offer of money here (it should really be zero) will be rejected with plans made by his parents to take their son for the whole lot.

You can see though that if rhey treated him this way growing up, which you'd have to assume they did, why he may be trained to do as he's told and be scared not to. It would explain why he seems to always put his parents first.

I'd assume one parent is rhe more dominant in this behaviour and it's been life long.

What's his legal position here with the house - is he tenants in common with them, whose name is on the deeds? Is he just named as a recipient in a will? Has he registered his interest legally in some way? Could he force a sale? If they stay in the house what would happen with care home fees etc?

Agree with bluntness re behaviour.
Id be seeing a solicitor now, to force the sale. They are disgusting sefish bastards whi know exactly what they are doing. Id be tempted to show dh this thread.

So let them stay where they are, if that's what they're threatening. Sod them. Blackmailers.

Christ. They're bullies. Nasty, manipulative, selfish bullies.

I'd ask your dh read this thread.

I know that they are both named on the deeds, whether that's as tenants in common or not I'm not sure. One thing I do know is that DH would never, ever force the sale, even if he was in a legal position to do so. If I can't convince him to keep all of the money that is rightfully his, I haven't got a hope in hell of convincing him to sell the house out from under them.

its Quite shocking how toxic some people can be.

Clearly they see it as theirs and they are entitled to its value and fully expect their son to do as he is told.

I'd assume they will ultimately just stay put and then constantly try to wear him down saying they are unhappy there, until they get what they want. They will probably make a play of viewing houses in budget, before deciding they aren't suitable.

Thing is the whole amount tied up on the house is better for him than anything going into a park Home!

Have you ever spoken to a mortgage provider? I wonder if him having an asset can get you a better mortgage rate?

Does he have enduring power of attorney for when they really can't make their own decisions anymore? At some point in the future they will have to move out in their best interests and may no longer have capacity at that point.

It is clear that they do not see your DH as having 50% ownership of the property and it is very much theirs in its entirety.