DP / XH boundaries... help please

[soconfusedabouteverything]

I've 3 dc, separates almost three years, divorced a few months.

Xh cheated and has been vile in lots of ways. However he also helps practically, pays over the odds money wise and generally makes life easier for me. We co parent well and have always tried to limit animosity in front of dc.

DP is around over a year. Not officially moved in but the plan is in next 6 months or so. He's good with the dc but is so hostile and rude when xh drops off picks up that it's really awkward and obvious.

I asked him the other day to please be polite to him when kids were around etc. He agreed. Then today he said his mum agrees how wrong it is that xh comes into the house (dropping off kids stuff and saying goodbye) and that it's disrespectful to him they should be dropped at the door. I make life too easy for xh and the kids will adapt.

The thing is I've tried it the other way and being hostile and angry just drains me. Also that feeds xhs massive ego far more than just letting him come in and having a couple of minutes handover chat exchange of stuff etc.

I feel it's important for my dc to see xh and DP being cordial, there's no need for it to be any other way. DP feels I need to understand his feelings and ask xh to remain outside / in hall and speed up drop offs. What do you think? Am I being unfair?

following.....I have an ex like this and have also been told I make it too easy so can imagine it will be so much harder if I met anyone new. OP, can empathise in the sense knowing that if you set too many boundaries, it will cause too much tension so this is the easier option. Same for me, I saw how it was with my ex and his previous partner. She set lots of boundaries and they were at war constantly, terrible I think for the kids, some people can't be negotiated with.

Well of course they need to be dropped at the door, but does your xH actually come inside and stick around for a chat? If you DP moves in, it will be his home too, so I can kind of see his point.

But then I also think he needs to grow up - there will be times when he may need to pick up/drop off kids (if you're ill or away) so he needs to work out some way of being civil with your ex - and you're right, it's a good example for the kids to see adults behaving like, well, adults!

He doesn't stay for a brew or sit down or anything. He'll bring in the stuff, tell me any info I need re the kids, kids them goodbye and go. Maybe 2/3 mins? But he's a loud personality and is hard to ignore.

I've told DP I'd like it to stay as it is for now and let the dc see him and xh being polite. Then when he moves in speak to xh about lessening coming in and shortening drop off.

I think your DP is being unreasonable, I don't see what's disrespectful to him about chatting with your ex for 5 minutes as he drops them off, it sounds like you have a decent arrangement which is so important for your kids and that's the most important thing of all. I think you need to put your foot down on this one and tell your DP to stay out of it

Sounds like your DP is all about his feelings and needs, which shouldn't trump your DC's needs.

Are you sure you're ready for him to move in?

I would wonder why your dp apparently thinks his need to be ‘respected’ come above your children’s need to see their parents being civil?

Kind of sets alarm bells ringing that your new DP is selfish and it's about his ego rather than your DC needs...

How old are the DC, they will get older and the dropping off changes!

Hang on, DP Not officially moved in but the plan is in next 6 months or so and wants your ex to stay outside your home out of respect to him, DP

I would seriously not feel ready to move in with someone who put his own pathetic feelings ahead of your DC seeing adults being civil to each other.

Your kids come first. My ex comes round and comes in for a chat when he drops the kids off. Suits me. He’s a great dad and is generous with finances. He still pays over half the mortgage and is flexible over sharing time with kids (as am I). It works well because we are grown ups, and it benefits both us and the kids to have a friendly relationship. My DP is cool with it and is cordial when they meet. Yours sounds like an arse. If he’s having to invoke his mum to support his argument he sounds like some sort of big manbaby. You need to get him to understand that this is for the kids benefit (and your mental health) and that’s the way it has to be.

Yeah your new dp is making it about him not focusing on the best outcome which is that you have a cordial relationship with your ex

If he's trying to lay the law down before he's even moved in, imagine what he's going to be like once he sees it as his own home!

How will he cope with you all being on the top table at a family wedding, or on graduation day?

Okay. Good. Sometimes I doubt my instincts. Will stay strong on this one. And I'm not rushing anything about him moving in - things aren't there yet for sure. How he reacts to this will tell a lot. I've had radio silence since this morning. He also resents when xh gives me money towards extras for the dc as he sees it as my niceness being bought if that makes sense? Says xh walks around here like he owns he place etc -

Your DP is being U. Wouldn’t move in together after only 12-18 months together.

Your current setup and approach benefits your DC, plus it’s for you to “set the tone” with your ex, none of your bf’s business how you co-parent or relate to your ex, obviously within reason. being visibly hostile is pathetic!

Also a red flag that he references what his mum thinks about it!

Your DP’s attitude is very unattractive, at best.

Ex isn’t disrespectful to Dp! This is a longstanding arrangement which suits you. Dp could be there to meet your ex, as I assume ex would like to meet a man who is around his kids so much. This is not a bloody competition.. and if it were then Dp ha won, if he can’t see it and you have to prove it you might be in for a rough ride.

Well I think it's up to you and your XH how to manage the handover and if it's driven by the best interests of the kids then that's absolutely the right principle. I don't quite see how respect for DPs dignity trumps that.

My XH comes in sometimes and vice versa - I've often been chatting away in his hall waiting for my tardy kids to assemble their clobber. There's plenty of school/parenting issues that can be (subtlety) discussed much more easily than by phone, email or text.

We've been doing it for 10 years and done a pretty good job (and I'm not XH's biggest fan). Your DPs response - it's all about him - is a bit worrying. I'd take it slow when it comes to letting him move in. Just stick to what's in the best interests of the kids and you won't go wrong.

Your DP is not reasonable, it is very positive for the dc if they see the adults being amicable, its what most parents post separation strive for.

A few minutes at the end of contact is not something to worry about and I think your DP has am issue, it reflects poorly on him...and his mum

It is hard to quantify good values until you come up against someone who makes you feel "wrong" for doing the right thing.

I fear your Dp is putting his ego ahead of everyone else

Well, if your ex withholds support if you're not super nice to him, I'd understand where your DP is coming from. But it certainly doesn't sound like it. And frankly, as long as you and the DC are happy, I'm not sure why your DP is complaining and making it all about him.

I think he's probably jealous. You have history with this man, and children, and you now have a cordial relationship. And he thinks that this is a problem. Please don't let it be. We read so often on here about ex DH's who are horrible and tight and don't take responsibilities for their children etc so to have one who is behaving well is so lovely and shouldn't be ruined by a jealous new DP.

Yes, his attitude to this and the money thing is ringing alarm bells for me. Your DC's Dad is always going to be in their lives therefore your's too. Your DP needs to wind his neck.

Sounds like DP thinks he should be man of the house - a house he doesnt yet live in! Alarm bells are ringing im afraid. He has no right to dictate to you how you manage EX dropping the kids off at YOUR home.

*Wind his neck in!

Your dp is making it about him. It isn't. It is in yours and your children's best interests to have a good relationship with your ex. I would be very careful about moving this dp in. He is already making your life harder and imposing his ideas on what has been working well.

I think this is your DP's problem, to be honest. I would be very very wary about jumping into another situation where you are being dictated to. DC's come first every time.

The thing is xh has been really really vile on many occasions and has treated me like crap. This is DPs main objection - that he shouldn't be afforded the civil reception because of his behaviour. But I still think that's between me and him and not the dc and it's just easier do it this way. Xh does think money will get him everything he needs but I left him - and the money. He knows I couldn't be bought so I don't have an issue with him providing for his dc etc.