DP / XH boundaries... help please

[soconfusedabouteverything]

I've 3 dc, separates almost three years, divorced a few months.

Xh cheated and has been vile in lots of ways. However he also helps practically, pays over the odds money wise and generally makes life easier for me. We co parent well and have always tried to limit animosity in front of dc.

DP is around over a year. Not officially moved in but the plan is in next 6 months or so. He's good with the dc but is so hostile and rude when xh drops off picks up that it's really awkward and obvious.

I asked him the other day to please be polite to him when kids were around etc. He agreed. Then today he said his mum agrees how wrong it is that xh comes into the house (dropping off kids stuff and saying goodbye) and that it's disrespectful to him they should be dropped at the door. I make life too easy for xh and the kids will adapt.

The thing is I've tried it the other way and being hostile and angry just drains me. Also that feeds xhs massive ego far more than just letting him come in and having a couple of minutes handover chat exchange of stuff etc.

I feel it's important for my dc to see xh and DP being cordial, there's no need for it to be any other way. DP feels I need to understand his feelings and ask xh to remain outside / in hall and speed up drop offs. What do you think? Am I being unfair?

OP your DP sounds like a maniac... sorry!

Have you heard from him op?

I think your new partner and his mother are quite wrong. You're absolutely in order to be on good terms with your XH and to expect anyone in your house to show good manners.

Tbh your boyfriends sounds extremely unreasonable, rather resentful of your ex (and he is your ex!) and wants to control what you and children do.

Beware .

Yes. He called. He's at work. He apologised for how he raised the issue but not for the stance he has basically. I've told him it's not negotiable and he needs to reconsider his approach or we won't work

You seem to be thinking any man (excepting extreme abuse) is better than no man.

I've been single 15 years since I split with dds dad, dated, had relationships along the way that for various reasons (no abuse or even control - 1 wanted more DC [this was when I was early 30's he had 1 from previous relationship and wanted more, medically I can't] 1 due to his job & caring responsibilities couldn't move in, that faded out, others just didn't gel) didn't reach moving in stage.

In that respect I'm perfectly happy, it'd take someone pretty special for me to consider moving them in with dd and I.

Friends that are divorcees/separated have been single for several years following splits and then found lovely fun, caring new partners/husbands. One has 4 DC and her husband came into that as a non parent! Baptism of fire but he's taken to it like a duck to water and the kids adore him.

I'm guessing you're probably still quite young too?

Honestly, you don't NEED a man to live a fulfilled life as a single mum.

A new partner can be icing on the cake, but the cake is perfectly edible even enjoyable without.

Good for you OP. Your boundaries are clear now just stand your ground.

X post

He's sticking to his guns, you're right to stick to yours!

Sulking hasn't worked he's trying another tactic - the non apology apology.

I'm not you young, 38. Dp is younger by 8 years. And I don't feel the need for a partner, I've already said I wasn't looking for anything serious when I met dp

Clearly your relationship with your XH was bad, and possibly controlling given you still attempt to manage his behaviour. That might be something for you to consider.

But, and it's a big one, that's fuck all to do with your DP. Not wanting your XH over the door and disciplinig your DC in a way you are not happy with are massive red flags. It is possible, even likely that your boundaries are skewed from your previous relationship. I know you won't want to hear it but I'd be rethinking it all at this stage rather than later on.

I've told him it's not negotiable and he needs to reconsider his approach or we won't work

Good move.

I'd say you're young but then I'm older

He's young! I'm thinking there's an element of immaturity there.

Has he ever lived with a partner?

Not since a brief period when the dds mother was pregnant until he left before she was one

It’s good that you are clear on where you stand on this, I hope you don’t mind me asking many questions. It wasn’t to trick you or be unkind. Genuinely curious as to how it all worked in the dynamics between you all

Great job sticking to your guns OP and for also ensuring cordiality is maintained. There may reach a point where a partner should have a voice with regards to children and the household but it's certainly not before moving in together and/or possibly marriage is on the cards. At least you are in a situation where you can see how he is willing to handle the situation without him being under your feet xxx

It's good to be challenged ivy, that's why I posted. Thanks for your thoughts

He will try another tactic the none apology, and somehow your in the wrong and he's just cares about you is all

Run op honestly, from the outside looking in it's easier to see the issues
He's going yo cause you as many problems as your ex, this one recognises your esx is abusive, that's why he's asserting his dominance.

I'm sure he'll see your kids as a threat and an extension of the ex, like a new male lion with a female with cubs, he won't like them around too much

Gosh. Your DP is being very narcissistic

So he's no experience as a live in partner either - which takes compromise and adjustment. I struggled with that myself initially. When I moved in with ex I'd been living alone for 5 years following a childhood in an abusive home. Took me a while to relax a bit and realise eg the furniture didn't have to go just where I wanted it to, that meal times could be negotiable etc.

He sounds very inflexible.

if You were looking for fun nothing serious - what happened? 🙃

No he doesn't try and keep my kids away. He genuinely completely accepts them and spends time with them. He doesn't try and get me alone. I've offered before to swap nights with xh so when dp is around we can be child free and he says he loves me with all my accessories and I should not try and change their schedule to suit him

I fell in love ivy

He is learning about a proper relationship. There has been issues before this about changing plans for work etc without considering impact on me and to be fair each time I've raised an issue he's taken it on the chin and it's not happened again.

So why did he leave his dp?

I think he sounds sort of awful, from what you’ve said that is, and it is probably still quite soon for your kids to have to deal with this stuff.

It does sound like these men find it - not easy, but manageable - to walk over any boundaries you do/would/should have. Like, exp struts all over the house and should have given you more in the divorce and DP doesn’t live there but issues opinions on how your kids should be raised (despite having light years less experience than you) and who exactly you should have in your house!

I think you need some cbt on assertiveness and possibly some analysis on why you don’t feel able to turn around and say ‘this isn’t working for me’. To both of them, as and when you feel like it!

I don’t mean that as a dig at you, it’s just so often we’re so heavily socialised to accommodate men’s wishes, we don’t even realise we’re doing it. You’ve said yourself that when dp isn’t there, you’re much happier with XDH doing hangover, and kids hate him not coming in, so you’re compromising for a guy you’ve known much the least in this scenario out of anyone, and have no responsibility towards compared to your duties to your kids... You need to be more like, hmm yes this works for me, if it doesn’t for you, what a shame, jog on now, good wishes and godspeed. He is then free to decide whether he can adapt himself around this line that can’t be crossed or not.

And it sounds like you have started! Good for you.

He had broken up with dd mum when she announced pregnancy, he then tried to make it work but never loved her. She was much older than him. I reject completely that I allow mistreatment now. Yes in the past but now it's very much what works for me and dc. Anyone who knows me in real life considers me very strong and assertive

I know myself that it is possible to be
both strong and assertive whilst being in an abusive relationship.

The issue of him talking to his mum ( or claiming to) is also something to consider. Not the talking itself but that he claims that she agreed with him. As if her, or anyone else's opinion matters. It's another sign of
possible abuse/ control trying to undermine on the basis of what other people think.

I sense that you are becoming defensive, and I get it. Please do at least think about what posters are suggesting/ do some research or reading yourself.