DP / XH boundaries... help please

[soconfusedabouteverything]

I've 3 dc, separates almost three years, divorced a few months.

Xh cheated and has been vile in lots of ways. However he also helps practically, pays over the odds money wise and generally makes life easier for me. We co parent well and have always tried to limit animosity in front of dc.

DP is around over a year. Not officially moved in but the plan is in next 6 months or so. He's good with the dc but is so hostile and rude when xh drops off picks up that it's really awkward and obvious.

I asked him the other day to please be polite to him when kids were around etc. He agreed. Then today he said his mum agrees how wrong it is that xh comes into the house (dropping off kids stuff and saying goodbye) and that it's disrespectful to him they should be dropped at the door. I make life too easy for xh and the kids will adapt.

The thing is I've tried it the other way and being hostile and angry just drains me. Also that feeds xhs massive ego far more than just letting him come in and having a couple of minutes handover chat exchange of stuff etc.

I feel it's important for my dc to see xh and DP being cordial, there's no need for it to be any other way. DP feels I need to understand his feelings and ask xh to remain outside / in hall and speed up drop offs. What do you think? Am I being unfair?

I'm trying not to be defensive but some posters are overstepping and simplifying or projecting where not necessary. I agree it is cause for concern and possible red flag which is why i posted. I welcome all constructive advice and realise I may not have considered all angles

His mum was here when xh dropped off a couple of weeks ago and xh tried to engaged her in chit chat. Hence her opinion

Really not trying to annoy you. Honestly!

So what if she was there? It is nothing at all to do with her. She can have an opinion if she wants, but unless you asked her yourself for it she should keep it to herself
Wouldn't you? If, by the way she did in fact say so to your DP.

I think you need more time on your own tbh. You were with your exH for many years if your oldest is 10. You only split up a year and a half ago, and then went on holiday together, as a family, after you'd split. So new guy came on the scene as soon as to split up really.
In some ways you won't be over your ex. Your current DP knows this, and is incredibly insecure, and feels threatened by your ex-DH, which is making him act like a dick. Plus.. he doesn't live with you, hasn't brought up his own DD, yet feels he can be overly strict with your DCs.

Feeling very weary this morning

I am sorry this thread hasn't really been as supportive as you would like OP, you are the only one who knows you DP and for all anyone knows he loves you and your DC and feels the need to protect you all from if your dh. I think you stood your ground perfectly and established great boundaries over the subject. I think posters are just feeling sad/wary of the fact you sound like you are being shoved in the middle a wee bit but as the old saying goes opinions are like arse holes so ignore the ones which aren't of use to you and hopefully some have been helpful xxxx

They are both trying to control you.

Do what you feel is appropriate.

If DP doesn't likeit he can either just shut up or fuck off.

It's not that the thread hasn't been supportive it's just how hard it all is. I'm in the middle of trying to write a masters dissertation too and this is draining me.

I went into my two ds's bedroom this morning and they were under one duvet giggling and totally cuddled up in each other. They are happy. Xh came and took them to holiday club that he organised and paid for, sorted their packed lunch and will drop them back this evening - all on a day that is my responsibility just so I can work on dissertation. That's really helpful and I'm not ruining that or their happiness because of an issue DP has.

You have a lot on! Good luck with the dissertation.

You can just maintain the status quo with your boyfriend. No need to make plans for the future etc, just continue to date him (as your time allows). You could manage parenting arrangements with your ex so as to reduce your bfs time with your DC - your bf may wish to spend time with them, but at this early stage of dating, and particularly given there are a few amber/red flags, it might be better to take a step back on that.

Your dp does sound like he has some lovely ways about him but he also sounds rather immature and lacking in knowledge about kids ie you saying he was too strict and also the subject of the thread.

I hope you can keep your relationship going without him living with you. Even if it wasn't for six months, it still wouldn't be that long that you have known him. why the rush?

I am glad you have decided to stick to your guns. Your dp has to fit in with you and your family's set up as you agree yourself. He sounds ignorant, can you tell him that it is perfectly normal, where possible, that the parent hands over in teh house and as you describe, has a quick chat and then says goodbye and goes. We have the same situation here and I think it is so good for the kids.

Have you asked your DP why he thinks it's all about him??

For what it's worth, I'm in the same position as your DP.

I live with my girlfriend and her two little girls (3 & 8 now, 2 & 6 when I moved in.)

Their dad was not a good boyfriend (or father, although he's got a lot better at that bit since the split.) Some of his actions were pretty vile during the relationship. Thinking about it can make my blood boil.

But when he drops the girls off I welcome him in. Offer him coffee even. He has eaten here a couple of times. I talk very positively about him to the girls when he's not here.

NONE of this is easy - I'm really not a fan of him at all. But it's the price I pay (and knew I'd pay) for being with an amazing women and getting the honour of being heavily involved with her daughter's lives. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any fondness for me either by the way, but is also doing his part. It has SUCH a positive effect on the girl's happiness, and we've really had no issues relating to me moving in with them at all - I'm sure this has helped with that.

If there's part of me that gets a streak of male competitiveness now and again, I satisfy that by not letting him see that his presence in any way bothers me.

But he's around 30? I'm 40 this year, and can probably confess that I may well have found it harder a decade ago.

How bad a person the girl's dad was to my girlfriend is not my issue to act on or resolve. If he was hassling her now, maybe I'd have an input, but she resolved the issues between them when she kicked him out and made it clear she was not going to tolerate it any longer. It's not my battle, however much male ego might try and persuade me otherwise.

He needs to understand you don't need saving from him or anything - you already did that part. It's a shame - it sounds like he has the toolset to make you and your kids happy, but can't let go of an this - and as an issue it will grow.

Great post newlevels. Thanks

‘His mum was here when xh dropped off a couple of weeks ago and xh tried to engaged her in chit chat. Hence her opinion’

But engaging in chit chat is just what civilised, mature adults do. I don’t understand the issue?

he said his mum agrees how wrong it is
This made me cringe.
So now he's got mummy involved.
And why does her opinion matter?
Your XH tried to have a chit chat with her.
I assume he wasn't rude.
But your DP and his mother are being really rude.
You know what to do OP.
This is NOT OK.
He cannot dictate what happens in your house or who enters it!
It's that simple.
He seems like an immature idiot and you can see where he gets it from.
He sounds controlling and he's not backing down.
I'm glad you are standing your ground.
This won't improve if he moves in.
It will escalate and it WILL get worse.

Good for you, newlevel.

Do you think your Ex wants you back?

He is really trying to be ever so nice and charming? Or is that his natural personality?

Did he know it was your BFs mum?

He definitely has no interest in getting me back. Has made that abundantly clear. I think he just wants the kids coming out of this as best they can. Like I do.

Yes he knew.

@Soconfusedabouteverything i would be exactly the same as you.

I don't like my DD's dad but we co-parent well for the sake of our DD. We message each other during the week and he will message me photos when she is with him. I often stand and have a chat with him when i collect and we hare both flexible. We had an awful relationship when we first broke up and it was horrid for everyone. We don't agree on everything but i picked my fights and we both make it all as easy as possible. Our DD is a happy well rounded child.

I defy anyone who will come into our lives and try and change how we co-parent. It works for us.

My bet is that he is jealous that he cannot provide for his DC the same way and that his ex cannot be as you are.

I'm a stepmother of many years standing, and my relationship with my DSD is brilliant. I would never have dreamed of behaving as this new DP of yours is doing. He's arrogant and he's showing no respect for you or your successful co parenting. He should be letting you lead the way and at this point he should not be disciplining your DC.