DP / XH boundaries... help please

[soconfusedabouteverything]

I've 3 dc, separates almost three years, divorced a few months.

Xh cheated and has been vile in lots of ways. However he also helps practically, pays over the odds money wise and generally makes life easier for me. We co parent well and have always tried to limit animosity in front of dc.

DP is around over a year. Not officially moved in but the plan is in next 6 months or so. He's good with the dc but is so hostile and rude when xh drops off picks up that it's really awkward and obvious.

I asked him the other day to please be polite to him when kids were around etc. He agreed. Then today he said his mum agrees how wrong it is that xh comes into the house (dropping off kids stuff and saying goodbye) and that it's disrespectful to him they should be dropped at the door. I make life too easy for xh and the kids will adapt.

The thing is I've tried it the other way and being hostile and angry just drains me. Also that feeds xhs massive ego far more than just letting him come in and having a couple of minutes handover chat exchange of stuff etc.

I feel it's important for my dc to see xh and DP being cordial, there's no need for it to be any other way. DP feels I need to understand his feelings and ask xh to remain outside / in hall and speed up drop offs. What do you think? Am I being unfair?

Three years was a typo. Split Oct 2016.

He also resents when xh gives me money towards extras for the dc as he sees it as my niceness being bought if that makes sense?

Maybe he shouldn't be moving in at all... I don't like his attitude with regards to the money. He sounds jealous. I'd be wary if I was you.

Op in probing a bit - not unkindly, to try and get the measure of the situation. Rather than jump in with a “ he’s controlling”

I’ve swayed a bit as I thought at first he may not have children or the measure of them - but I was not correct on that, though I think he only had limited experience living with children

I’d am thinking he maybe protective towards you after your ex was vile, cheated and left. Probably can’t understand why you allow him in the house when he has behaved like this

But I’m guessing..?

Yes there is def a lot of that

He is a good guy

I would sit back and have a long hard think about why you have allowed these boundaries to be fuzzy

Question yourself and your own motives

Is it to keep the peace, have the extras and keep things sweet

You can’t please your children all the time, they don’t want daddy stopped from coming in the house, but at some point they have to understand mummy has feelings and possibly a change of tact - you pick up instead and don’t venture into his house

Would you be happy if your dp had been treated badly yet went to his ex’s for supper each Sunday? Just to keep the peace..? You may put up with it but not get it and raise it as an issue?

He doesn't come for supper??

Op you can’t keep everyone happy all the time and you need to think of yourself and your own feelings

“ children come first” yes well sometimes children have to learn parents have feelings as it’s a valuable lesson. Otherwise we will bring up children who don’t take into account other family members

That’s not the point 🙂 think about how you would feel

"He's good with the dc but is so hostile and rude when xh drops off picks up that it's really awkward and obvious"

This stood out to me alot in your first post, He shouldn't be behaving like that at all, My dhs ex has done so many horrible things to the both of us but we are NEVER rude to her in person or in front of the kids, Its something you just dont do.
He doesnt even live with you and is trying to dictate what goes on, He Is strict with your kids now? Why are you giving him so much say so when he doesnt even live with them?
The silence from him also speaks volumes, He doesnt sound like hes capable of behaving like an adult at all and having a decent conversation.
Dont be manipulated into changing your mind.

DSS's stepped put similar restrictions in place when he moved in with DHs ex. He also decided that DSS wasn't to phone his dad to say goodnight any more.

Suffice to say that four years later and despite our best efforts DSS is very much living two very separate lives with very little overlap or communication between his parents. It's really sad and has been upsetting for him when sometimes he just misses his parent but isn't "allowed" to phone them (which we think is bullshit so have made it very clear to DSS that any time he is with us and wants to talk to his mum, we will always let him).

I'm seeing far too many red flags at this early date with this new DP. He's not a keeper, imo. More like a potential lucky escape - should you back off.

I was going to craft some hopefully good advice, but Graphista has already said pretty much what I planned to say:

You & ex have a good co-parenting relationship - which is rare! Do not let new guy (who does NOT get to dictate what happens in a house that isn't his home and with DC that are NOTHING to do with him) fuck that up!

I would not be even discussing him moving in until he grows up and learns to set his ego aside. Especially for the sake of CHILDREN for whom this arrangement works perfectly well & is modelling for them healthy adult relationships.

Actually in your position I'd be telling new guy this - his moving in is suspended until this nonsense stops.

I'd go a bit further. I'd call the whole thing off. Any man who says people are being disrespectful is an authoritarian and an arse.

Tbh I think if this was reversed posting people would also be jumping up and down shouting red flags get out now

Op only you can decide if this new man has your interest at heart and how you negotiate or even whether you can

You mean if dp was posting about me ivy? Why?

OP, I think it boils down to this, and I don't think much else matters. This is your children's home. Your ex is your children's father. Your partner is asking you to tell your children that their father is not allowed into their home. If he doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand that that is not ok, and to set aside his own feelings, as you have yours, for your children's benefit, then I'm afraid you need to think hard about whether he's someone you should be looking to spend your life and home with.

Op because your boundaries are fuzzy, going on holiday with your ex when you first got together, this man was vile to you and you seem to keep the peace possibly because your afraid he’ll stop getting stuff for the dc.. that’s not healthy if it’s the case

And it’s not just your children’s home, it’s your home

I tried it the other way ivy and it was worse. I know xh is and paying him attention by laying down restrictions feeds his ego and fuels him. The best active way to go against him is not to engage, which is what I'm doing by not causing a fuss when he comes in iykwim

Oh op,

I think you've divorced one abuser and taken up with another, all that's different is the flavour

He resents your ex, he's been overly strict with the kids, and is territorial and controlling over you, oh and let's throw in an overly involved potential mil as well

Is there some reason you cannot be on your an for a while? Maybe re group and re set your boundaries, because I and a lot of others can see this bloke being very controlling once his feet are under the table.

Once he's in I think your going to have trouble getting him out

Totally agree with @Guiltypleasure

Op how old are the children? I’m thinking how many more years will you pander to this ex

Tbh my ex was told he didn’t need to come in etc and it feed his ego for a while... but it soon died of when ignored

10,8 and 6

I'd be sceptical you're getting the truth on his maintenance arrangements given his reaction to your circumstances. Very easy at this point for him to claim he's paying X y z while you can't see any evidence one way or another.

My ex told his new woman before they moved in together & joined finances that he was paying cm every month in full - he wasn't paying a penny - fair play to her she made it clear he wasn't behaving well when she found out -especially as he'd been pleading poverty to her getting her to sub him!

Certainly I've seen threads on here where new partners are sure their partner is paying cm, that their partners ex is being unreasonable in being annoyed in some way regarding finances - only to discover their partner hasn't been paying cm, and in some cases telling the ex it's the new partners fault! 'New dp says I owe you nothing, that you've enough to live on' etc.

Regardless of cm, he's got little to no experience of actual parenting! To then come into your family and try and tell YOU how to parent when you HAVE been for several years is arrogant beyond measure!

Honestly the more I read about this guy the more I think you're better off just getting rid.

Imperfect is finding little habits of each other's annoying - it's NOT trying to completely take over and correct the parenting by BOTH parents of children that he's only known 11 months !!!

"There's been nothing from him since I laid down the law this morning." So he's a sulker too - that probably in the past has got him his own way DO NOT give in.

"that I was his now." Possessive & jealous type too.

What ARE his good points? They'd need to be amazing to be honest after all you've said.

"all that's different is the flavour"

I agree. I think you need to dump this guy, do the freedom programme or some assertiveness training or counselling while staying single until you can trust yourself better to set better boundaries and not accept poor treatment of you or the DC.

I'd LOVE to know this guys ex's side of the story!

You've at least 12 more years of dealing with the ex - do you really want 12 years of this guy making that all MORE difficult? Sod that!

I would think about what boundaries you want, don’t worry that this might be the only man to take you on with three children, take the opportunity to think how you want to co parent and then once your comfortable with that let any partner know that’s how your family will be working,

Whether your with the right man only time will tell, but with young children there isn’t any rush surely to have to live together?

Absolutely no rush