DP / XH boundaries... help please

[soconfusedabouteverything]

I've 3 dc, separates almost three years, divorced a few months.

Xh cheated and has been vile in lots of ways. However he also helps practically, pays over the odds money wise and generally makes life easier for me. We co parent well and have always tried to limit animosity in front of dc.

DP is around over a year. Not officially moved in but the plan is in next 6 months or so. He's good with the dc but is so hostile and rude when xh drops off picks up that it's really awkward and obvious.

I asked him the other day to please be polite to him when kids were around etc. He agreed. Then today he said his mum agrees how wrong it is that xh comes into the house (dropping off kids stuff and saying goodbye) and that it's disrespectful to him they should be dropped at the door. I make life too easy for xh and the kids will adapt.

The thing is I've tried it the other way and being hostile and angry just drains me. Also that feeds xhs massive ego far more than just letting him come in and having a couple of minutes handover chat exchange of stuff etc.

I feel it's important for my dc to see xh and DP being cordial, there's no need for it to be any other way. DP feels I need to understand his feelings and ask xh to remain outside / in hall and speed up drop offs. What do you think? Am I being unfair?

Does he pay maintenance? He obviously doesn't like how much you are receiving.

Yes. Plus buys all uniform / school dinners and some clubs

Tbh why should anyone have “respect” for someone else unless it’s deserving of note

If you didn’t want your ex to come into your home any longer due to your own thoughts and feelings, well fine. The dc could be dropped if at the door etc and a quick goodbye.

Or you could always pick them up

If though you are happy with the arrangement and not due to you “doing” it for the children then why would you change it?

It maybe wise to rethink living together until the children are older

why doesn't he like your ex paying for his dc then?
He obviously thinks it's the right thing to do.

That shit is a red flag OP. You and your DC are happy with your ex coming into your home. DP is trying to control the situation because he is either insecure or has a fragile ego. You don’t need to bring someone into your home who will try to dictate your established routine. It’s nice for your DC to see you being civil with your ex.

Your DP needs to accept it or slide on.

Xh pays generous maintenance even though he roughly has dc 50%. He will also add money without asking when school trips or big purchases. He is well off and I could have got a lot more of I had fought in divorce but didn't want the battle.

My point being that dp thinks the maintenance is more than enough and the extra is posturing by xh

The dc hated when I tried to stop xh coming in. Hated it.

He wants your kids to be unhappy and for you all to have less money because of his "respect"? You know that's not right. And he's doing that before he even lives there. Don't let him move in.

Your DP sounds really controlling, I wouldnt let him move in.

What do I do now? I really do love him but I can see it's not perfect, but is anything? I'm not afraid of being alone in the short term but acknowledge how hard it is especially as a single mum of three to meet someone to share your life with.

There's been nothing from him since I laid down the law this morning. This is unusual. Very. He does treat me very well. Honestly.

Ok so your dc want their father to come in the house, your new do doesn’t

What about you, regardless of anyone else’s feelings... and don’t answer using the children

I'd rather see as little of him as possible. But I'm realistic about what is achievable and it doesn't bother me. When DP isn't there it's easy. And stress free. When he is there it's awkward and difficult and upsetting

He couldn't be clearer about marking his territory if he pissed in the corners of your living room.
He already sees your house as his. He sees himself as in charge of it any everyone in it. Your ex isn't a threat to you as things stand, but your current partner is. Obviously everyone can have an opinion, but what your ex pays and where exactly he hands over your joint children is not your partner's business at all.
Honestly, I'd get rid of him. The situation feels "off" to me.

Ok so have you at times displayed this to do, that you’d rather see as little if ex as possible?

Drip feed alert... dp also announced our relationship on social media while I was on holiday with xh and dc. Without consultation. Felt very much like marking territory

Last August that was

You went on holiday with your ex? And the dc whilst in a relationship with someone else?

Yes Ivy. But he knows the drop offs don't bother me just that I've no desire to spend extra time with him

It was booked before I met dp. Separate rooms and had only been with dp a few weeks.

why did you book a holiday with an ex? The relationship was over?

Why do you think your new partner annoubced your relationship whilst you where away?

It was a transfer from what we had booked before split. Changed from two weeks to one and one room to two. It made sense at the time. I think he was sending a message to xh that I was his now. To be clear, xh had a gf at the time

What message do you think your new partner is trying to send you now? By suggesting that your ex doesn’t come in the house?

Why don't you tell me what you think ivy

Tbh separated 3 years and you holidayed last year- 2 years after splitting on a holiday booked before you split?