DP / XH boundaries... help please

[soconfusedabouteverything]

I've 3 dc, separates almost three years, divorced a few months.

Xh cheated and has been vile in lots of ways. However he also helps practically, pays over the odds money wise and generally makes life easier for me. We co parent well and have always tried to limit animosity in front of dc.

DP is around over a year. Not officially moved in but the plan is in next 6 months or so. He's good with the dc but is so hostile and rude when xh drops off picks up that it's really awkward and obvious.

I asked him the other day to please be polite to him when kids were around etc. He agreed. Then today he said his mum agrees how wrong it is that xh comes into the house (dropping off kids stuff and saying goodbye) and that it's disrespectful to him they should be dropped at the door. I make life too easy for xh and the kids will adapt.

The thing is I've tried it the other way and being hostile and angry just drains me. Also that feeds xhs massive ego far more than just letting him come in and having a couple of minutes handover chat exchange of stuff etc.

I feel it's important for my dc to see xh and DP being cordial, there's no need for it to be any other way. DP feels I need to understand his feelings and ask xh to remain outside / in hall and speed up drop offs. What do you think? Am I being unfair?

Unless your exH is staying ages and the DC don't like him coming in and/or he's being disrespectful to you inside your own home then your DP's macho posturing top dog mentality is a huge red flag.

Fuck that. Your partner is a childish twat.

When my mum was dying, both her partner and my dad and his wife were all completely 100% friendly and polite and supportive to one another, despite the fact that neither my stepmom or mum’s partner had ever met or spent any time with the other ex or their new spouse/partner.

Because they are all adults and even in a very difficult emotionally charged situation, they knew that the dying person and the feelings of us, her adult kids, came first.

I imagine my mum’s partner could have felt a bit muscled out by the ex husband suddenly appearing at the end and being a near constant presence, or my dad’s wife could have felt insecure or weird that my dad was suddenly there by my mum’s side (well, for me really) as she lay dying. But nobody was anything other than respectful and lovely. And even as an adult, with my mum dying it was exact what I needed, for everyone to get along and not be petty.

I know it’s a different situation OP but think ahead. Is your DP the sort of man to be able to put his feelings last and the kids first? It doesn’t sound like it. Do you feel you could trust him to be a grown up if the worst happened to you and it was down to your ex and him to support the kids?

My stepmum and my mum’s partner and I already had good relationships when it happened but their conduct and compassion, all sat together at the front row of the funeral and getting along, absolutely cemented them in my heart as as good as blood family to me forever.

Also, my now exH gave me no support when my abusive dad died - he didn't understand that despite all the water under the bridge I needed him to support me in how I wanted to deal with the situation (barring further abuse of course). If your exP co-parents well then it's important to maintain this for your DC's sakes.

My friend has an ex who initially was really horrible and tried to make life horrible. She remained calm and reasonable throughout and they now have a really amicable parenting relationship.

Sounds like you’re at that point with your ex. If you are happy and the kids are happy and doing well I don’t see why you should change it.

Being amicable and civil to each other is advantageous to both you and the DC. It’s less stress all round & the fact your ex willingly pitches in for extras financially is nice of him too.

Your ex will always be in your life, it’s better to have a calm and civil relationship than a warring one.

I’d chuck your current DP, he doesn’t sound very nice and is already telling you how he expects you to behave. He’s not got your interests in mind at all. Red flags galore!

Don’t have kids with this man. He sounds selfish and controlling, and his attitude about the money your ex pays stinks.

Zero tolerance for your current dpObjects to your ex paying any extra?? Seriously?!

I'm not having anymore dc.

Shit total name change fail

You are using two accounts for this ?

Name changed for this and didn't noticed it reverted back to old name on further posts

Thanks for all the responses. I shall stick to my guns.

So the exH has been vile and abusive to you in the past ?
DP says that it's disrespectful to (you? Him? Both) that ExH should be allowed to Swansea into your home as if all is forgiveness... I actually see that point, just because ExH is behaving NOW doesn't mean that he didn't do awful vile things.
This is about boundaries . Maybe your DP is trying to advise you to set healthier boundaries with a person who has treated you in a wrong manner and behaved in unacceptable ways?
Maybe showing children healthy boundaries - that people who behave wrongly towards another person shouldn't be allowed to continue to as.if nothing was wrong?

Just a thought.

Sounds like they way things are now is what's best for the kids. Your DP needs to accept that or not move in. He needs to understand the kids come first not him.

But it has changed... I left him. We are divorced. I just don't see the point in the daily bitterness in front of the dc. It's hurts them and me and xh doesn't seem to give a shit either way. And all I'm asking is for DP to day hello and goodbye, and not ignore him or stay upstairs when he drops off

I have no suggestions as to how to make your DP stop but it has to for your kids sake. If it doesnt stop I would be considering wether he should be moving in at all. Hostility between co-parents does not help anyone.

Lyndsaykoala that’s actually bought a tear to my eyes. Adults who are good at adulting. Putting the needs of the child first. Sorry about your mum

Anyway, its not just not about the children. It’s about respecting you enough to trust your judgement and let you decide your own boundaries.

Plus the fact he’s probably just showing himself up as a twat and amusing your ex.

Thanks Fish. I was 22 so a proper adult, but they still parented properly. Wasn’t sure whether to share as it’s not identical to OP but you never know what’s round the corner and if he can’t even put the kids first under OP’s gaze, how can she trust him to do so if she isn’t there?

I just hope she reads it.

Kola I've read and taken it onboard. Sorry for your loss. As it stands, I can't say it looks good. He has next to zero communication with his dds mum.

Thanks OP. It was a long time ago now but I’ve never forgotten how much easier that time was thanks to my parents (all of them)!

Hope you figure things out. Even despite the kids it’s such a bad sign he’s trying to lay the law down before he’s even moved in.

If your new dp wants to be with you living together, then he needs to realise that he will become part of the family. His wishes can be taken into account but not by overriding everyone else’s wishes.

If he moves in and the children then see their father stopped from entering thier home this would send several messages to the children and very negative messages about their step father and mother

If your dp cannot accept his new families father being inside the family home then he needs to consider whether he can himself be part of that family

Ivy I've said pretty much exactly that to him this morning

Does your DP object to extra money from your ex and the cordial relationship because it shows him for being crap with ex????

He sees it as xh buying a cordial relationship. As he buys everything. And he sees it as xh being given treatment he doesn't deserve. But the fact is despite lots of wrong (to me) he does make my life easier and help over and above. I have no family here and he makes practical arrangements easier.

Plus the money makes a big difference. He doesn't hold it over my head or anything. But I'm sure I'd get less if I suddenly shut the door in his face.

I don't do it for the money it's just easier, I tried the other way and it ate me up.