DP / XH boundaries... help please

[soconfusedabouteverything]

I've 3 dc, separates almost three years, divorced a few months.

Xh cheated and has been vile in lots of ways. However he also helps practically, pays over the odds money wise and generally makes life easier for me. We co parent well and have always tried to limit animosity in front of dc.

DP is around over a year. Not officially moved in but the plan is in next 6 months or so. He's good with the dc but is so hostile and rude when xh drops off picks up that it's really awkward and obvious.

I asked him the other day to please be polite to him when kids were around etc. He agreed. Then today he said his mum agrees how wrong it is that xh comes into the house (dropping off kids stuff and saying goodbye) and that it's disrespectful to him they should be dropped at the door. I make life too easy for xh and the kids will adapt.

The thing is I've tried it the other way and being hostile and angry just drains me. Also that feeds xhs massive ego far more than just letting him come in and having a couple of minutes handover chat exchange of stuff etc.

I feel it's important for my dc to see xh and DP being cordial, there's no need for it to be any other way. DP feels I need to understand his feelings and ask xh to remain outside / in hall and speed up drop offs. What do you think? Am I being unfair?

Frigging app and name changes

LyndseyKola I also may have something in my eye. What lovely family support to have around you when you really needed it .

I think your dp is the problem here.
There is nothing wrong with ex coming into your home, he has as much right (if invited by you) as your dp does, who doesn't even live in your house.
It has nothing to do with your dp mother neither.
He sounds like he needs to grow up before he becomes involved in your dc lives.

So...new guy is marking his territory before he's even moved in?! Is he 12? Does he want to have a pissing contest with ex too?

Wtf!

I'm all for keeping ex's out the house if they use it as a way to continue abuse, mark THEIR territory - but that's not what's happening here.

You & ex have a good co-parenting relationship - which is rare! Do not let new guy (who does NOT get to dictate what happens in a house that isn't his home and with DC that are NOTHING to do with him) fuck that up!

I would not be even discussing him moving in until he grows up and learns to set his ego aside. Especially for the sake of CHILDREN for whom this arrangement works perfectly well & is modelling for them healthy adult relationships.

Actually in your position I'd be telling new guy this - his moving in is suspended until this nonsense stops.

I too think new guy - if he's like this NOW that's a red flag for future issues. As you've been together less than 2 years, I'm guessing less than 18 mths, I'm hoping that means DC only known him/about you 2 together 6-12 months? What do they think about him? Can they tell you honestly?

I'd go very careful with this new guy op. Does he make any comments on your parenting? On the kids behaviour?

Wow! Your finances are as yet NONE of his business, certainly when it comes to extra money for DC.

Does boyfriend have any DC of his own? Is he still living at his mums?

Why does bf know the details of how 'vile' ex was? It's none of his business, clearly you've told him, I can't help but wonder if this is partly cos all he's heard from you about ex is negative.

You say you're not having more DC, if he doesn't have DC does he know this?

Op sorry if I’m asking a question already asked

Does your new do have children?

Your DP is unreasonable and making it about him when it's not. Even if he lived there, it is not about him.

It is about the children. If you can have a cordial, polite relationship with their father, that is the ideal and the goal.

If he can't cope with that, he needs to walk away.

OP said he has a DD

He has one dd. He knows I'm not having anymore and feels the same. Dc met dp 11 months ago. Yes he makes comments about my parenting and their behaviour - I've had problems in the past with him being too strict with them.

Ah he does have DC. Low communication with his ex - why? Do you think you have the truth on this? Have you met his ex or dd?

Met dd lots. It's a complicated situation but he is a good dad

Too strict with YOUR kids before he's even known them a year? moved in? NO no way would I be tolerating that - would've been an instant dump from me.

Why does he have a complicated situation?

He’s known your kids eleven months and, thank god, doesn’t even live with them, yet you’ve already had problems with him being to strict with them?

You said he’s great with them. What’s great about him, with them?

This isn't sounding good OP.

I wouldn't be moving anybody into my home when only known them a short time. two years is nothing and many women end up going into another abusive relationship after the previous one.

why are you allowing your dp to parent your children, he has one of his own to parent.
He's over strict with them and you are still with him.
FFS get rid and find a nice man, or stay on your own for a while.
Does he pay over the odds for his dd, and how much contact do you both have with her?

DPs job sees him away a lot. His dd is one of four, only dd is his. One in care. When do is away his dm and gdm help with dd. He hasn't been with dd mum since she was a baby.

Apologies OP, I got yours mixed up with the mad doughnut guy.

Yours is still overstepping the mark with your dc though!

Please think long and hard before moving this DP in.

He wants people kept out of your house when he doesn't even live there.

He expects you to do things out of 'respect' for him.

He is over strict with your DC who he hasn't even known a year!

It will not get better once his feet are under the table.

He spends lots of time with them. Lots. Teaching them instruments, outdoors activities, talking, board games and stories etc. They love him, especially the youngest. He's intrinsically kind. I'm not moving him in, it's been a conversation.

Is he armed forces? I bet he is.

I'm an army brat and was an army wife and this sounds very familiar.

Not armed forces

It sounds as if it will be very difficult to blend families with your new DP. He has a bad relationship wit his ex and can’t see why you would be cordial with yours. You’re quite clearly putting your DC first whereas it sounds like new DP puts himself first.

FWIW, I also have an ex that was horrid. However we manage perfectly amicably now. The DC have no idea of how bad things were -he’s a decent dad, provides for them and is flexible. We tend to have a little chat at drop offs - what the DC have been up to, anything the other needs to know about events coming up, etc. I’d find it really weird to drop and not speak. After all, if I were collecting DC from a childminder,I’d go in the house and have a quick chat about how they’ve been. I wouldn’t expect DC to be slung out the front door to me.

I’d think very carefully about moving him in. If he’s like this now, he’ll expect more control and more consideration (ie his way) when he’s living with you. A good relationship with your ex is priceless as far as bringing up DC goes - you ideally need a united front as they get older and push the boundaries. You won’t get that if your new DP is whispering in your ear that you’re too accommodating (I don’t think you are - you’re doing the best for your DC in the same way I do the best for my DC).

So the reality of parenting isn’t something he has r perianced on a day to day basis, thus his strict expectations with your dc.

Rightly or wrongly his job has also taken him away from his dd

How often is he away? Week at a time or longer?

You have a DP problem.
All this posteruing about 'respect'
What a load of nonsense.
I would be having a re think about him moving in. It would piss me off that his mother has stuck her oar in as well.
You have a good relationship going, don't let this pair spoil it.

He hasn't lived with his dd since she was under one. He never has her for more than a few days and more than three is rare. Often won't see for 2/3 weeks. On a good week sees her after school for a few hours twice and maybe one overnight. So never been a full time parent