Another man whingeing about his sexless marriage

[ArthurKing]

Good Evening,
Would appreciate a different perspective on an issue that has been going on for some time in my marriage.
Been married for 22 years, 3 kids, one with special needs and chronic health problems, oldest is 18, youngest is 14.
Basically my wife and I haven't had any intimacy since she learn't she was pregnant with our youngest. When I say intimacy I mean no sex, no proper kissing (I get that kind of duck faced peck you normally get from an ageing female relative), cuddling or hand holding. Yes I have tried to talk about it, she shuts me down and storms out of the room. I haven't had an affair, I didn't and don't take her for granted and I defy anyone to tell me I don't do my share around the house, particularly with our son, I get up at 5:30 every morning to deal with his feeding pump, change him and put him back down then up again at 7 to put his feed on, get him ready for school and give him his breakfast. I organise "date nights" and all the holidays, liaise with the hospital and the school and do all the driving and see to him when I get home from work.
I will be honest, I am not attracted to my wife any more, I have been knocked back so many times I feel like my role was provider only (kids, money etc). My wife asked what I wanted for my 50th, I said nothing, just you, she walked off and didn't speak to me for a week. If I leave it will mean leaving my family and losing everything I have worked so hard for when I have done nothing wrong. All I want to know is why? I know my wife isn't having an affair, its like she came into our marriage with a plan that had noting to do with me, only what I could provide and once she got it she switched off, we were a great team once. If there was some underlying issue, even if it was she finds me repulsive, I'm sure we could work something out. Any kind of insight would be helpful, really just want closure. Thanks Arthur

It makes you ashamed to be female? Do you think 100% of men would have given 100% supportive responses on a predominantly male forum or, as Helena says, that women always get 100% supportive posts on here from 100% of the female responders? I won't derail this thread further but that's a strange picture you've got going on there. When women on here have been repeatedly told to LTB but steadfastly state that they won't, they definitely start getting harsh responses.

Hi Arthur,

I'm really sorry to hear you are having problems. I don't have any answers, just a story. My ex wife and I both regret getting divorced (many years ago now) despite both being in happy relationships now. The regret comes from the counselling we had, specifically that we did it too late. First she wanted to do it and I said no. Then I wanted to do it and she said no. Then, eventually, we went but it was too late. It can be really difficult to speak about relationship issues with ones partner, especially if we feel it is our fault and the other person cannot help. As others have said, I would look to counselling and I would make it clear that you have no expectations on the outcome. The two of you will be linked forever, simply getting divorced may be a case of adding to your woes rather than fixing them. Wishing you all the best.

I totally agree. You need to get her to talk and for you to express how you are feeling. No one can carry on like this. If she won't go to counselling maybe you can go on your own to decide which step to take forward.

Women havent always had great responses to this issue either.

Especially if they are the OW!

However, I have been knocking around these forums for a while (mostly in a lurking capacity) and there is a tendency though for a woman's OP to have her testimony treated as witness of fact. A sizable minority of posters will view a man's OP with immediate scepticism leading to several pages of questioning, clarifications and interrogation before his side of the story is believed.

dilly123

'A sizable minority of posters will view a man's OP with immediate scepticism leading to several pages of questioning, clarifications and interrogation before his side of the story is believed.'

This is my point. I feel for the poor bloke. Anyway, most have offered v constructive advice and have managed to empathise with him.

I wish you luck OP.

It's hardly surprising that women empathise more with other women. That said, the OP has been encouraged to have an affair/get sex elsewhere and Helena said she was roasted on here for doing the same thing in similar circumstances. The double standards we apply to the two sexes (something both men and women do) certainly do not always work in women's favour.

OP - go and see a solicitor. Find out for sure where you stand. Don't just assume that you would have to live in a bedsit. If the preferred route were that your wife stayed in the house as the main carer, would she get housing benefit so that she can continue to do so and look after your SN child? What is his longterm care plan? What are the plans for your 18 year old? Will he be leaving home soon and so provide an opportunity to downsize the main house? Find out what all of your options are. You are obviously not a villain and you obviously will not want to leave your children or wife in the shit so find out what all the possible avenues are. You don't have to act on any of them but you need to know what they are.

From there you can work out where this can or cannot go and how you can keep things as amicable as you would wish.

Then write her a letter. But think carefully about what you say in it as you must mean what you say. Get a "supportive" stranger (for privacy's sake) from here maybe to read it first to make sure it doesn't "read" differently from your intention.

If you want to say (accepting no sex is on cards) that you want to reconnect with warmth and be more of a team again and you were thinking you could do x, y, z, and perhaps together you could do a, b, c, and wanted to know how she felt but did't want to put her on the spot so she had a chance to reflect first - hence the letter - then do that but mean it. Mean that that would be enough for you to live a happy enough life like that.

If you want to say, if you don't get a response of some kind then you understand and will take it as a message that she wants you to leave then say that, but mean that too - commit to it.

Someone has got to break the impasse. You should have another 30+ years ahead of you to enjoy. It's not going to be your wife who does this anytime soon according to you because she is happy with the status quo. Who knows if that's true as you say she won't talk to you.

What you do know is that you are very unhappy and you will send yourself to an early grave if you sit and seethe in silence and "suck it up". That's no good for the family that you cherish and have worked hard for. Get some professional advice (solicitor and maybe counsellor too just for you). Find out where you stand. Find out what is possible. Then work out what is best.

YY Miralis.

the male posters tend not to see it though.

I'm sure the op doesn't need lots of women speaking up for him and that he can manage himself . Actually , it's the first time on here that I've read about a sexless marriage and felt the OP wasn't being totally forthcoming .
There has been no mention of the OPs emotional relationship with his wife . No mention of nice things he does or says to her as a person . Just lists of endless tasks be does for their dc/ the house , filled with resentment and self pity . The only direct comments about your wife op are that you resent her and are not attracted to her because she isn't attracted to you . That doesn't make much sense . You don't usually stop fancying someone because they don't fancy you . Most men come on here to get advice on sexless marriages will almost always tell you how sexy and attractive they think their wives are regardless of that not being reciprocated.

That's horrible Arthur. I don't think this will last without counselling and her taking it seriously. I'm surprised it's lasted this long. No affection, no kissing, cuddling, nothing, that sounds like torture.

Seasure - being aware I may well be rude here without trying to be, IMO your questions were badly put - particularly the gaslighting bit - but I understood exactly where you were coming from. I'm sure others on here have classed me as a "hater" so that certainly comes from no delusion of high ground!

If someone says "i do x,y, z every single day and my wife has every day to whatever she pleases from 8 until 3 [despite having had to give up her career a year ago due to stress] and then anything she wants at the weekend (Family time). If her needs are not being met my wife has never said"...

then it doesn't actually answer the question of: Are you kind , loving and sensitive to your wife's emotional needs?

Thing is, she is clearly not kind, loving and sensitive to her husband's needs either way, so - as I suggested - I think needs to actually find out what his options are. Not to necessarily act on them at all, but to empower himself and find out what the options are and THEN he can work out what to do next. I think the legal and practical options have to come first and form a foundation before he tries to start talking with his wife and going down the awful route he opted for before of "empty threats"... she stonewalled him, he didn't follow through, nothing but awful resentment on both sides achieved...