Another man whingeing about his sexless marriage

[ArthurKing]

Good Evening,
Would appreciate a different perspective on an issue that has been going on for some time in my marriage.
Been married for 22 years, 3 kids, one with special needs and chronic health problems, oldest is 18, youngest is 14.
Basically my wife and I haven't had any intimacy since she learn't she was pregnant with our youngest. When I say intimacy I mean no sex, no proper kissing (I get that kind of duck faced peck you normally get from an ageing female relative), cuddling or hand holding. Yes I have tried to talk about it, she shuts me down and storms out of the room. I haven't had an affair, I didn't and don't take her for granted and I defy anyone to tell me I don't do my share around the house, particularly with our son, I get up at 5:30 every morning to deal with his feeding pump, change him and put him back down then up again at 7 to put his feed on, get him ready for school and give him his breakfast. I organise "date nights" and all the holidays, liaise with the hospital and the school and do all the driving and see to him when I get home from work.
I will be honest, I am not attracted to my wife any more, I have been knocked back so many times I feel like my role was provider only (kids, money etc). My wife asked what I wanted for my 50th, I said nothing, just you, she walked off and didn't speak to me for a week. If I leave it will mean leaving my family and losing everything I have worked so hard for when I have done nothing wrong. All I want to know is why? I know my wife isn't having an affair, its like she came into our marriage with a plan that had noting to do with me, only what I could provide and once she got it she switched off, we were a great team once. If there was some underlying issue, even if it was she finds me repulsive, I'm sure we could work something out. Any kind of insight would be helpful, really just want closure. Thanks Arthur

I'm sorry to hear this op. Your wife either no longer loves you or wants sex or she's consumed by the children and your child's special needs and the juggling and worry that entails. Does she work? Who looks after your child with special needs whilst you're at work?

It’s disheartening to see so many responses and yet not one has raised the possibility of a hormonal or medical issue with your wife. The fact that it started during pregnancy is a big red flag for this being either a hormonal issue or something like a thyroid issue. Does she have any other health issues / symptoms? Is she close to the menopause now or has she gone through it yet?

I know from personal experience that extreme hormonal changes can decimate my sex drive, to the point I can’t stand to be touched. For years. It’s absolutely awful but there’s nothing I can do to change it, except stay off all hormonal contraception and wait for my body to sort itself out.

I haven’t found doctors much use in this area sadly but it’s worth her talking to them.

I find this quite telling: I know my wife isn't having an affair, its like she came into our marriage with a plan that had noting to do with me, only what I could provide and once she got it she switched off

You have a lot of contempt / resentment there that you really need to address since that won’t be helping matters.

Why? God it could be a lot of things.
From being exhausted or depressed about the whole situation of your child to being ressentful to see you go to work everyday and get some adult time when she was stuck at home with a child that was ill.
Who knows and does it matter?

You said yourself you dint love her any more. You are spressentful that you are just a provider. Why do you keep going and stay in the relationhsip would be a better question.

If I was you, I would go and see a sollicitor an talk about parental responsibility and who would be looking after the dc.
Your oldest is 18yo so out of the equation really. The youngest is 14yo. Is it the child that has some health issues and i assume, will still need care when he is an adult???
Ask about him and his care. And take a decision. Make a plan, whatever it is and stop wanting your dw to show you some affection/intimacy when, yourself, you said that you don’t love her anymore anyway.
Decision paralysis is what is your problem there. It’s not anymmore why your dw doesn’t want intimacy. It hasnt been the problem for a long time tbh.

She's so much to cope with ,sex is just another thing she has to do,another drain on her limited resources.its mentally exhausting caring for disabled children.you stop being a person ,you become just a mum..the lack of time to yourself to do self care tasks .paint nails ,choose nice clothes,shave legs,that time gets eaten up caring for family,so you don't feel sexy,so you don't want sex.then when you know your husband does want sex it becomes a huge pressure ,an extra guilt your carrying around.you give and give ,and everyone takes and takes ,and sex becomes something else you have to give ,that someone else takes.because you have nothing left to give emotionally.the longer the lines of communication shut down ,the harder it is to reastablish them....can you get respite care and take her away for regular holidays alone? Is she getting regular time to be herself ,do as she pleases.could she be dreprssed? How could you support her more through buying in services..cleaner? Lighten both your loads x

Oh and YY about the fact that it’s unlikely that ‘you have done nothing wrong’.

When a relationhsip turns sour like this, but still carries in for at least 14 years, then I can to see no situation where both partners are not involved in creating and sustaining that situation.

I get that you are hurting and feeling used. I get that you are ressentful.
I suspect that your dw is/was feeling the same (eg she might well have felt exactly like this at a time when you didn’t help as much as you are now for example).

But making it all a ‘she did this and I did that’ situation isn’t gojng to help you.

Hi op, is your wife the carer of your child with health issues? If so is there any chance of getting some respite care to give her a break? You also need to have couple counselling to try and talk about the lack of intimacy. It doesn't sound like you want to remain married and maybe your wife feels the same but if you don't communicate you won't know for sure.

If I leave it will mean leaving my family and losing everything I have worked so hard for when I have done nothing wrong.
I guess it would be the same for your wife if, as you suggest, she simply doesn't fancy you any more. Or do you think she has done something wrong?

You say you are the provider; does your wife contribute nothing to the family? If your role is provider, what's her role?

Have you ever suggested divorce?

I think this is dead in the water. Whatever the reasons, she doesn't want you to touch her in an affectionate way (let alone sex) and you don't even like her anymore as a result. I wouldn't like someone who didn't return any affection to me for 14 years, I would feel rejected at a very deep level. I need hand-holding, touching, hugs as well as the rest of it in a relationship and that just isn't going to come back now.

She doesn't want to talk, or to change, so the potential for the next 14 years to be different is almost nil.

I'd think about separation and how to care for your children. You really do only get one life and you could go on to have a happy loving second relationship with someone else. My mum has and I know lots of older people who have. You don't need to stay together in this completely awful situation.

So sorry OP. That's very difficult. Couples counselling would be good

I would leave. You deserve more.

We’ve all got stuff going on in our life that takes its toll but you have served a life sentence!

Not talking to you for a week is ridiculous too!

Talk to her today. Explain you are not happy and you don’t want to stay in a sexless marriage. Tell her that you are considering your future and ask for her thoughts. Tell her the issue won’t go away so blanking you for another few weeks for having the balls to mention it won’t get her anywhere

Sounds horrible!

I’d try one more time to tak about it, if she refuses I’d go with a open relationship...I couldn’t live for 14 years without being loved.

If I leave it will mean leaving my family and losing everything I have worked so hard for when I have done nothing wrong.

As the parent of a child with a life threatening condition and very complex learning difficulties, I'd say - neither has your wife! Nobody goes into marriage with any conception of what life with a sn child will be like, unless its their line of work already, and even then, they get to go home at the end of their shift!

ITA with every word "Slimmingsnake" says - my guess is that your wife, as the carer to a child with chronic health needs, feels that she has ceased to exist as a person, because all she does is give to other people; and sex at the end of the day, is just one more demand on her, when she is exhausted and has nothing more to give!

ravenmum - OP's wife's role is probably to be a carer all her waking hours! Believe me, its way harder than working full time and commuting!

OP - how much time does your wife get every week to do things she enjoys?

OP I'm so sorry that you're in this position. I think sitting down and explaining that you can no longer accept the lack of intimacy and therefore you want to separate seems sensible.

She's had years of time to explain why she doesn't want to be intimate, it's time you find the happiness you deserve elsewhere.

Ladysfingers Arthur seems very focused on what he is contributing, and his side of the story; I'd like him to work out for himself what it looks like from his wife's side, hence my question.

Id suggest an open marriage if you dont want to leave.
I dont know why more people dont do this

It is the unwillingness to even discuss it which is the real issue.

Wow! So many replies in such a short time.
I actually wiped away a tear or too (must be a sight sitting in the courtyard at work).
A bit more background for those that requested it. My son with SN is 16, when he was very young (3 years) he was very ill, we had several trips to PICU and it looked for a long time like he wouldn't make it but we hung together, supported each other, and got through it. The next few years are a blur, doctors, physio, numerous appointments at genetics, respiratory clinics, orthopaedics as well as keeping things as normal as possible for our older son who was in primary education. Sex just wasn't on the agenda. (I fell asleep on the phone to my dad one evening). Then things calmed down, and a routine was fallen into.
I knew my wife had always wanted a daughter and we agreed (no problems having THAT conversation) we should try one more time. The rest is as per my original post.
I have tried to raise this, it's never easy as you can feel the defensiveness building. The first time I just mentioned it had been a decade, her response was "really? Wow" then nothing, a second attempt a few months later lead to me saying I would get it elsewhere (a pretty empty threat, perhaps she knew) she turned over and went to sleep and didn't speak to me for about a week but she didn't say no.
I don't think I'm a bad looking guy for my age (but I guess that's not for me to say), I look after myself, I do yoga and martial arts but I'm not looking for anyone else.
Our day to day life is cordial enough, I get a bright "Good Morning" and a kiss every day.
Then she gets in with her day and I get on with mine.
I don't want to resume our sex life. The only reason she would do it now is pity, duty or guilt and none of those really do it for me.
I have thought about leaving, many times but if I go I lose the house (my wife gave up her nursing job due to stress about a year ago), my family and everything I have worked so hard for. I couldn't swap what I have, however unsatisfactory (my wife is perfectly happy with the situation btw). For a bedsit or, God forbid a shared house at 50!
Just want to thank everyone for their insights and attempts to help, it really is appreciated.
I will try and talk to my wife again and post an update.

I probably would prefer to live in a bedsit (or a nice one bed flat) than go without human affection, but that's me and I do like a lot of physical reassurance in life which everyone may not need.

I'd start a conversation along the lines of how do you see our future now the children are getting older. Is your son likely to stay in the family home for care or go into residential care?

I wouldnt even blame you for taking a lover if you were super safe and discreet

In my experience the defensiveness may well be due to guilt. She’s not giving you what you need, she knows you’re unhappy but for some reason she can’t meet those needs. That’s an awful position to be in too, something I know only too well. Add in the stress of a seriously ill child (another thing I know only too well) and it can just completely overwhelm your life.

She may have felt that physical affection always led to pressure for things to go further and she couldn’t cope with that so shut down completely.

What’s needed is a very gentle, non-accusatory discussion about your situation. Blame is not helpful, neither are assumptions that she somehow planned this and is a user.

Sorry, just quickly
Having reread things it is true that I seem to have acquired a bit of a victim mentality. I do this, I don't get that. I suppose these things develop over time. My wife has every day to whatever she pleases from 8 until 3 and then anything she wants at the weekend (Family time). If her needs are not being met my wife has never said.

I don't want to resume our sex life

I'm not looking for anyone else

I couldn't swap what I have, however unsatisfactory (my wife is perfectly happy with the situation btw). For a bedsit or, God forbid a shared house at 50!

So.... what is it that you want to happen (from the available alternatives)?

What is the long term care plan for your 16 year-old?

Perhaps your wife feels under so much pressure from the other demands on her that she just can’t cope with your needs as well. Going against the grain I’d suggest taking the pressure off and NOT seeking to push the issue, for the time being at least. The distance between you may be because she’s worried you will interpret affection as opening the door to greater intimacy. Without that pressure you might find her coming back to you.

You say you aren’t attracted to her, but do you have any other deep feelings towards her? After 22 years you have a lot invested in this marriage. Leaving is a big decision to make. I feel for you.

**Let’s get this straight. You haven’t had any intimacy (kissing, sex, cuddles etc.) for 14 years?

Why are you still there? Honestly, staying with someone who shows you no love or care for over a decade (and I totally understand you have kids and one with SN) is not normal.**

^This. With your update OP, it is quite clear that she only used you as a sperm donor. M

Time to divorce her and get back your life. She doesn’t care about you or your feelings.

Bullshit that she only used him as a sperm donor, you have no idea the causes of her lack of sex drive / inability to be intimate. Perhaps I would have thought the same thing before I experienced the effects of serious hormonal imbalance. It’s most likely not as simple as some here think.