Another man whingeing about his sexless marriage

[ArthurKing]

Good Evening,
Would appreciate a different perspective on an issue that has been going on for some time in my marriage.
Been married for 22 years, 3 kids, one with special needs and chronic health problems, oldest is 18, youngest is 14.
Basically my wife and I haven't had any intimacy since she learn't she was pregnant with our youngest. When I say intimacy I mean no sex, no proper kissing (I get that kind of duck faced peck you normally get from an ageing female relative), cuddling or hand holding. Yes I have tried to talk about it, she shuts me down and storms out of the room. I haven't had an affair, I didn't and don't take her for granted and I defy anyone to tell me I don't do my share around the house, particularly with our son, I get up at 5:30 every morning to deal with his feeding pump, change him and put him back down then up again at 7 to put his feed on, get him ready for school and give him his breakfast. I organise "date nights" and all the holidays, liaise with the hospital and the school and do all the driving and see to him when I get home from work.
I will be honest, I am not attracted to my wife any more, I have been knocked back so many times I feel like my role was provider only (kids, money etc). My wife asked what I wanted for my 50th, I said nothing, just you, she walked off and didn't speak to me for a week. If I leave it will mean leaving my family and losing everything I have worked so hard for when I have done nothing wrong. All I want to know is why? I know my wife isn't having an affair, its like she came into our marriage with a plan that had noting to do with me, only what I could provide and once she got it she switched off, we were a great team once. If there was some underlying issue, even if it was she finds me repulsive, I'm sure we could work something out. Any kind of insight would be helpful, really just want closure. Thanks Arthur

I don't think the OPs wife set out to use him as a sperm donor/provider. Though the conception of the last child seems a bit that way. I don't think she could have imagined how her life would turn out, no one expects to have an SN child (except maybe if you grew up with one)

Many will say leave but it’s rarely that simple. Who wants to swap one set of problems for another. You need a proper discussion about how she feels about her life in general as I imagine this is the root cause.

I think this is all very sad for both of you. Circumstances have led you both to this point and now there's no real connection anymore. You are right in saying if she did have sex with you now it would be out of pity .. I'd have that conversation though. If you feel you need sex and intimacy back in your life talk about an open relationship. She may well be feeling the same as you!

Sorry, just read your update. If you aren’t bothered about resuming your sex life, focus on being a team, and good friends. That could pave the way for a happy and fulfilling marriage for you both.

Come on people, he has made it abundantly clear why they haven't separated. To be fair he would be a bit if a dick of he just left her and their children (one with SN) just because she wasn't putting out. Arthur, kudos to you for sticking it out and in such an honourable fashion. You are clearly very dedicated to your family. But we can all see that the situation is deeply unfair, especially if she is having an affair-are you sure she is though? You clearly need to talk about it but she doesn't want to. You can't force her to love you but I don't think it is unreasonable to force her to talk to you about it. I think that you need to think about what you want and say it. You don't want a divorce, it doesn't seem as if she wants one either. She clearly doesn't want intimacy either. It would seem you do though. I would imagine she has been avoiding this conversation because she duesbt want to hear what she exoect you to say. But there are other things to say. You say you are no longer attracted to her and you think that she is cheating-maybe an open marriage will help you both get what you need without splitting up your family. Or maybe all you really need is a bit of closure. The way she has behaved has left you a bit paranoid and suspicious by the sounds of things. Or maybe you just really want to tell her how she'd made you feel and that's it. Figure out what you want to say to her, get in the car and say it. Anything she has to say to you is better than this stalemate you have reached.

Arthur, time to move on.

I’ve just seen your last post. I don’t understand what you would like the outcome to be?

Im sure you’d have some entitlement to a certain percentage to the family home

If you separate you could release some equity?

Your wife may reconsider going back to work - is that an option?

If nothing changes. Nothing changes.

You have to decide what’s important to you in life. But it’s going to be a long road ahead without love touching your life. You are a long time dead........the house won’t matter then!

@Racecardriver he said he doesn't think she's having and affair

Hm, I don't think this is really about sex at all. Your current life is unsatisfying in many ways and you want to add on extras (intimacy and sex) without risking the current advantages (nice house and family). And I bet your wife doesn't do exactly what she pleases from 8-3, there's probably a lot of housework and shopping and chores thrown in there. Does she ever get out? Does she have friends?
Sounds like you don't really want a full sexual relationship with your wife, just something transactional. What's in it for her that way? Sex is about saying you adore someone and want them to feel special, it doesn't sound like you feel that way about your wife tbh.
What does the future look like for your DS? Will he be moving to a residential home at some point, or staying with you? If things will change in a couple of years maybe make a plan for that and stick it out for a while. If not, then you need to decide whether your current life is bad enough that you'd be willing to break it up, see kids less, live in a flat etc.
It sounds like you resent the idea your wife would claim half the house etc. News flash: she's been working hard all these years too, it's not only your house. Your attitude makes her sound really worthless and probably doesn't help with her exhaustion and (probably) depression.
I think if I were you I'd stay in the house but establish you have separate lives but will cohabit to manage your caring responsibilities. I'd make a rota for care of your son and set out times when each of you get to do your own thing. Just stop the pretense that you are in a functioning romantic relationship and see if you can convert it to a less energy-sapping practical partnership. If your house is suited, you could even carve off floors or sections so you can have some privacy from each other.
What I would really urge you not to do is clear off, leave your wife to do all the work with the kids and then be a dick about sharing your assets.

I can't speak for your wife op only she knows how she feels but I can only share my experience.. Had been married 4 years when my daughter came along already had a 3 yr old dd & was just a happy normal couple.. dd2 was born with very severe brain damage resulting in complex medical needs.. she spent her 1st 94 days in scbu .. from the minute she was born my life changed dramatically more importantly I changed.. I was so angry with the world, I felt desperately sorry for myself & as the days past sat by her incubator alone (obviously exh had to work) I felt embattled, it was me & her against the world. This was my burden not ours & I pushed him away emotionally & physically. The joy had gone from my life, I hated my life, I longed to escape.. My heart was broken, in the couple of years we had her home I pushed him further away.. I had no capacity to love him & cope with my life as it was.. I resented him for being able to go to work while I did the day to day caring, the home visits from healthcare professionals & all the hospital visits.. he did try to help but I wouldn't let him.. I was so distanced from my marriage, I wish that someone had said not just how's your dd but how's you as a couple because it never ever entered my head until 1 day when he said do you know when the last time you even touched me or hugged me was & I didn't he said 9 months ago you patted my leg in the car .. we limped on for another year but split soon after dd died.. I'm less of an emotionally shut off person now.. I've got joy in my life again but I'm scarred

@olderthanyouthink well that makes much more sense, my morning brain doesn't work. Disregard OP. Sorry.

As a matter of interest did your wife get the daughter she wanted?

I have thought about leaving, many times but if I go I lose the house (my wife gave up her nursing job due to stress about a year ago), my family and everything I have worked so hard for.

Ok a few things there
You don’t want to loose your house and your family. Which means that your house is more important to you than you sex life. You need to recognise you are putting the house above you wish for sex or intimacy.
You dont want to loose your family. You do not have a sexual relationship with your dw. Does it mean that for you, you as a couple, don’t exists anymore either? Or do you believe you still have a recoupée relationship of some sort? In effect are yu Still a couple despite by the no sex? If you don’t, do you still have a family?

Sorry I know it’s a lot of questions. But the reality seems at odds with what you want to save. From an outsider pov, it very much looks like you have already lost what you want to protect.

One last point about the house YOU have worked so hard for.
If I understand well, your dw has worked as a nurse up to a year ago. So that’s not YOU who worked for the house but BOTH OF YOU.
She also has been working still through all the stuff that happened and has made herself ill. It’s nice to say that she has all day to do whatever she wants as well as weekends NOW. You seem to forget she is at home because she is unwell. And that she will still be doing all the hw, cleaning etc etc. And that it is only a very recent thing in the grand scheme of things.

I suspect there is a bit of wishful thinking on your part going on. That you think you are doing A LOT (and overestimated what you do around the house/the dcs as most/all men do). And that is doing little or rather not enough ‘as he has all day in her own at home’.

Last and not least, if your worry is about your dcs.
One of them will leave home soon
One will need care for a while still?
One will be leaving home in about 4 years and will have the opportunity to say where he wants to live in case of divorce.
Why do you think you will end up in a bedsit wo your dcs?
Have you gone to see a lawyer and check what are the options as well as what is likely to happen?
Why is it that you are convinced she will be the RP if you are doing most of the care your ds for example??

Sorry if this has already been covered, do you still love her?

It sounds like your wife shut down due to how difficult life was and it's gone on for so long that it seems like it's going to be very hard, if not impossible, to get things back to any sort of normality. This is the toll that special needs and child illness take on a family.

I think there's possibly fault on both sides. It's up to your wife to recognise how shut down she's become and deal with that in some way - she can't just expect you to go on living in this cold environment indefinitely. You can't fix her, she needs to fix herself.

That said, your later posts, where you talk about how she can do as she pleases 8-3 and how you don't want to lose everything you've worked for, hint at a very bad attitude on your part. If she had to quit nursing due to stress (and presumably lose her registration after a time, which is devastating for most nurses) then clearly she was really struggling. Did you do what you could to support her? Or do you just resent her being at home?

I think you need to decide if you want an open relationship to fulfil your sexual needs outside the home or if you are willing to settle for how things currently are. If it is the former, then talk to your wife but if the latter, there is no point talking to her. She won't give you a reason and she sounds an expert at shutting down any conversation she does not want to have.

I stayed with my exH for many more years than I wanted to because I was loathe to leave my house (it was my dream home) and I was also resentful I'd leave the marriage with nothing to show for it as exH had kept stringing me along regarding TTC. Finally I sank so low mentally that I decided the bleak bedsitter future I'd envisioned for myself would be a different type of misery but at least one with the possibility of a better future, and I left him.

It wasn't easy being a lodger in my late thirties thinking I have F* all to show for my life, but 10 months later I met my now DH and overall life is much better for me now. I still miss my old house but the loving companionship I get now from DH enriches my life so much more.

Your DC are virtually at an age where you can have a relationship with them independently of your wife, just don't play the blame game when spelling out what you need. Good luck.

You don’t want to loose your house and your family. Which means that your house is more important to you than you sex life. You need to recognise you are putting the house above you wish for sex or intimacy.

Well, not quite, it's not exactly unreasonable to take into account the fact that if he separates he is probably going to have to move out of the family home, lose hundreds of thousands in equity, a large chunk of his pension and set up again in much reduced circumstances and accept the fact that he will probably never be able to afford to retire. That kind of thing tends to make you think twice before doing anything rash, even if your existing set up is far from perfect.

are you just letting off steam OP ? or are you looking for solutions

if you still wanted to co-parent, would it be possible to stay in the same house but in seperate rooms and have seperate lives without being in a relationship?

I think she needs an ultimatum - get down to relate to try to work through her issue s. Or seaparate and live together- that might be easier when the older child moves on

But you sound like you’ve got a lot on your plate and I think you sound amazing for sticking with it, it can’t be easy at all

if you still wanted to co-parent, would it be possible to stay in the same house but in seperate rooms and have seperate lives without being in a relationship?

I think this is fair. After 14 years you wouldn't be unreasonable asking for this.

Some women just don't like sex. i hate it, I'm an asexual and no surprise my marriages didn't last.
It probably isn't you, it sounds like she is either deeply unhappy, stressed or just doesn't like sex.
I'd be more than happy never to do it again so I'm not having any more relationships.
It's all very well for everyone to say leave but you have responsibilities towards your children and you can't just dump a disabled child.
I'd seriously go to counselling to get to the bottom of this, don't just leave it.

Thanks again everyone for your feedback.
I guess what I wanted was my wife's perspective and since she won't tell me I hoped someone had been through something similar from the other side so to speak and could advise me how to proceed using the anonymity of the internet.
Yes, we had a daughter.
Do I love my wife? I honestly don't know. I like her.
I appreciate I come across as obsessed with the house. (Check back, I NEVER said it was my house. I would expect though that I would have to go but the care my son needs would mean that my wife and I would still have to interact daily, so what is the point?)
I would love to reignite our sex life, of course I would but I am trying to be realistic. I don't see the point in pissing my wife off as well as frustrating myself. I decided after our last "talk" that the first move should come from her.
Do I do enough around the house?
Without publishing a spreadsheet of the breakdown of our different duties, I don't know. If you think our marriage is like the one in the TV show Motherland, no it's not.
I do know the only time I get to myself is driving to and from work.
We don't talk about intimate stuff, my wife's parents were older than most when they had her and are very old fashioned so she's not at ease talking about that stuff. We do get on and I think we are a great team.
So, if I try to talk to her again, how can I bring this up (there is also the issue of when and we're, from what I have read you shouldn't do it in bed (yes, we still share a bed), in the car?) Thanks for your insight everyone brickbats and the bouquets are appreciated.

What would she say if you said 'I would really like a hug'?