Another man whingeing about his sexless marriage

[ArthurKing]

Good Evening,
Would appreciate a different perspective on an issue that has been going on for some time in my marriage.
Been married for 22 years, 3 kids, one with special needs and chronic health problems, oldest is 18, youngest is 14.
Basically my wife and I haven't had any intimacy since she learn't she was pregnant with our youngest. When I say intimacy I mean no sex, no proper kissing (I get that kind of duck faced peck you normally get from an ageing female relative), cuddling or hand holding. Yes I have tried to talk about it, she shuts me down and storms out of the room. I haven't had an affair, I didn't and don't take her for granted and I defy anyone to tell me I don't do my share around the house, particularly with our son, I get up at 5:30 every morning to deal with his feeding pump, change him and put him back down then up again at 7 to put his feed on, get him ready for school and give him his breakfast. I organise "date nights" and all the holidays, liaise with the hospital and the school and do all the driving and see to him when I get home from work.
I will be honest, I am not attracted to my wife any more, I have been knocked back so many times I feel like my role was provider only (kids, money etc). My wife asked what I wanted for my 50th, I said nothing, just you, she walked off and didn't speak to me for a week. If I leave it will mean leaving my family and losing everything I have worked so hard for when I have done nothing wrong. All I want to know is why? I know my wife isn't having an affair, its like she came into our marriage with a plan that had noting to do with me, only what I could provide and once she got it she switched off, we were a great team once. If there was some underlying issue, even if it was she finds me repulsive, I'm sure we could work something out. Any kind of insight would be helpful, really just want closure. Thanks Arthur

I wonder if those pouring the vitriol have been in a sexless marriage for 14 years.

I thonk the op should leave but his wife has been nothing other than a complete cunt

If the OP would leave then this would be a different discussion. He won't. He's already said he won't and just made empty threats about getting it elsewhere and wondered why his wife couldn't bring herself to speak to him for a week afterwards.

This is not a man/woman thing. If it were a woman posting exactly the same words as the OP has, I would never call her husband a cunt and that's not because I'm precious about the use of the word.

Any kind of insight would be helpful, really just want closure

The only person who can give you that closure is your wife.

We can hypothesise here, but none of us are her (I’m assuming!). We don’t know really what is going on for her, and as a PP said, it really could be anything.

How have you tried to approach things in the past? In person? Could you try writing to her? A letter or email. Explaining how you feel, where your head is at, and what you would like to happen. Remember that trying to solve the same problem using the same tactics will lead to the same outcome. If you want to get a different outcome, you need to use a difference approach.

The advantage of writing is that you can take your time over writing it, and she can take her time over reading it. Don’t using blaming language, but explain how you feel. Delete any “you always....x”, “you never....y” etc, and replace them with, for example, “when you do this, I feel this”. So rather than “you never want to have sex any more”, try “when I have tried to initiate sex, and you have said no, it makes me feel rejected and sad and as though you don’t find me attractive any more”. Explain what you feel. Perhaps ask her to confirm or deny your thoughts - “it feels as though you don’t find me attractive any more, is that how you feel/is that right?”

You need her to feel safe to open up to you. That’s the only way you are going to get answers.

Also be aware that her shutting away all of her emotions may be how she is coping with life. She may be afraid that if she opens those flood gates, it won’t stop. She may feel safe in her own little bubble where it’s easier to pretend you don’t exist, and you don’t have needs. Your life sounds stressful - if she got signed off work for stress, that’s going to be having an effect somewhere. Caring for a disabled child must be exhausting, for all of you. Maybe she just doesn’t have the additional strength to also be able to deal with the breakdown of your relationship on top of everything else.

Work out what you would like, in an idea world, and see if you can start to make steps towards it. That may be together, it may be apart. Only you know what you want. And only your wife knows what is going on in her head.

I thonk the op should leave but his wife has been nothing other than a complete cunt

Yeah, what a cunt - so stressed and unwell she’s had to give up her career, carrying and raising three kids, one with what sounds like severe special needs.

Some people have no fucking clue, honestly.

Arthur you deserve better. I think you should leave her. You will not lose your family. Yes, things will change but your current situation sounds close to emotional abuse.

Have you ever had any respite care for your ds?

The haters have arrived I see. I did think it wouldn't be long.
Before I begin, to all those who tried to help, who shared stories, advice and experiences from the heart without judgement, whether it be encouragement or criticism I say thankyou. You don't know Me, my wife, my kids but you tried to help based on my emotional, ill thought out ramblings, and you did help. I think I know what I need to do now, but then I suppose I always knew deep down.
Ok, for the last time for all those who are so desperate to misconstrue everything I wrote. To those who went through every single line with the sole intention of trying to push someone who is clearly struggling over the edge just to give you that tiny victory that gives your lives meaning I will clarify.
When I told my wife I would go elsewhere I was desperate, it was wrong, I did try to apologise but I just wanted a response, any response. We are (still) in a relationship but all the communication, all the effort (feel few to jump.on that word haters) was coming from me. How can something be fixed if you don't know what the problem is. Fine I'm crap, I'm short, I'm bald, I'm unimaginative and rubbish in bed, you hate Me, the smell of Me, my touch, the thought of me. Trust me, you can't come up with a critism of me I haven't come up with already. PLEASE TELL ME! But she won't. She won't go to counselling, we hadn't hugged for 12 years when I said that. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS LIKE? Yes I should have left. Yes I'm bitter, I wasn't always. We used to laugh, to go out (Yes this was after our son with sn was born). As I said in a previous update (which SOME PEOPLE have failed to mention) we were a team in the early days, we had each other's back and we got through the hard times because we were SO STRONG. Something changed, and that's all I wanted to know I suppose. If it's something I did, said fine.
My wife left her job due to stress. I supported her, I didn't insist she find another. Now we only have 1 wage coming in and if I get laid off it's curtains but that's fine I got this. The comment about her doing as she pleases was ill judged but it's hard coming home from a bitch of a day to be told how she enjoyed her daily walk and saw a kingfisher. Of course I'm jealous of her (perceived) freedom. If that makes me an insensitive sexist knob so be it.
A lot of what people wrote has made me look in the mirror and truthfully I don't really like what I see. I've become selfish and bitter and quick to judge and probably not very nice to be around. I never wanted it to be like this but I suppose we don't always get what we want, do we?
I think it's obvious neither my wife, nor I are going anywhere and I don't think things are going to change now so I'm going to try and change the only thing I can which is me, stop being so wrapped up in myself and my petty needs and try to listen more, talk more, give more and if my wife wants to end it and for me to go I won't stand in her way.
Thanks again Mumsnet you didn't let me down.

Arthur

Good luck Arthur x

Don’t be so hard on yourself - this sort of situation is shit on everyone involved. Just be aware, there of course will be a cause but there’s no reason to think that cause is you or how she feels about you. I still love my DH so much but my hormones and body generally are fucked, I’m beyond exhausted and the thought of physical intimacy makes me feel ill. It’s not his fault but it’s not mine either.

Good luck Arthur

Good luck Arthur.

FWIW I think you're being incredibly hard on yourself.

Try to be kind to yourself. Try to open lines of communication with your wife - small things to start with. Try non-threatening small acts of affection, maybe she will reciprocate. If nothing works then you have a tough decision to make.

You've had a lot of support Arthur. A lot. It is fine to be angry, of course it is. It's fine to have your hackles up when "SOME" people put it plainly to you that things are potentially not quite the way you see them. But that (understandable) rant is still all about YOU. So not much has changed from start to finish of the thread. That is not to say you are the villain and your wife the angel by any stretch but it's not clear what much has changed despite your last paragraph.

You can't ever hope to have things improve between you and your wife until that changes. You say you want to understand her point of view but this has all been about you. Which is, again, fine - it's your thread and that is the point of theses threads but it's now about putting things into action rather than just saying stuff.

Yes, maybe it is unfair that you are the one who's going to have to do the legwork on trying to gently break the ice and improving communication, compassion and companionship between you, but if you won't leave, then you are only making life harder by not trying or doing so resentfully.

The same people who tear posters down on these threads are the same people who will post all about how horrific online bullying is. It's ridiculous!

Give the guy a break! Wouldn't you be frustrated if you hadn't been shown affection for 14 years?

Honestly, Arthur, whatever happens between you and your wife, I hope you find happiness.
I can't imagine how difficult your situation must be and I don't blame you at all for feeling bitter! I definitely would!

If your wife refuses to even discuss it, I don't think that there is much you can do to change the issues you have with the marriage.
From my point of view (I'm entirely aware that I may be very wrong) there are 2 options:

• Carry on as you are and accept the situation for what it is.
• End your marriage and find love and affection elsewhere.

Life is far too short so please don't spend it being unhappy and unfulfilled.

Good luck x

If you aren't attracted to your wife any longer then I don't see that not having sex or affection from your wife's side is a really big deal. If you aren't bothered with her but are bothered generally then either make arrangements to move on and find it elsewhere or accept the status quo and maybe look at a building better friendship again with any sex off the table, and take the companionship and the material aspects of staying married. I doubt very much your wife came into this with a plan, what has happened is life has dealt a bit of a shit hand and she may well be depressed and not exactly feeling hunky dory , which foes zero in women for libido, regardless of the guy. You sound like you 'do' a lot Arthur, so not knocking that but their doesn't even sound much kind friendship there and that's a major passion killer

You have a right to feel frustrated and to want answers and affection from your wife.

Impossible to work on this if she refuses to talk or seek counseling.

Would writing her an emotional letter help? So you can at least communicate your feelings to her? And then she can have the time and space to process that and hopefully respond...?

I asked you before but you didn't answer and I can't see if this has been addressed .
Are you kind , loving and sensitive to your wife's emotional needs ?
I've just read long lists of chores you do and the resentment you feel .
Are you ever verbally abusive ? Do you gaslight her ?

Are you kind , loving and sensitive to your wife's emotional needs ?
I've just read long lists of chores you do and the resentment you feel .
Are you ever verbally abusive ? Do you gaslight her ?

For the love of god, read the mans posts. I think he’s explained his behaviour well enough.

OP, I think you’re doing a pretty bloody good job under the circumstances. You’re not perfect (who is?) but you’re making an effort. It must be really discouraging if you feel you’re not being met half way; If you feel you’re putting in the harder yards all the time; If you feel your dw doesn’t have your back; if you aren’t being supported emotionally.

It sounds like your marriage is a convenience, at least on your wife’s part. You just feel an obligation. There doesn’t appear to be any likelihood of resolution. You’re a stronger man than me, I simply couldn’t put up with it.

Don’t listen to the haters, mate. There lives are obviously perfect.

I think you must have missed several of Arthur's posts there, seasure.

"Do you gaslight her?" "Are you abusive?" Er, if he was, he'd hardly tell you, would he? And if not, those are pretty harsh responses to get when you come on asking for advice. How would you respond if asked that?!

Are you kind , loving and sensitive to your wife's emotional needs ?

No, I'm a complete arsehole, selfish and mean spirited towards my wife's needs.

Are you ever verbally abusive ? Do you gaslight her ?

Oh all the time, I sometimes slap her too.

FFS

I don't know what to say Arthur as you clearly don't want to hear that you should leave.
You sound lovely.
Ignore the haters. They all live in bubble-wrap and have wonderfully perfect lives and have never thought a bad thought in their whole entire lives!!???
Usually relationships is a good supportive board but... you are a man!

Please get some counselling for yourself.
You should not be hating yourself.
You should also not still be there suffering day in and day out, but you are.

I believe your DW has some serious issues.

But she is an adult and you cannot make her get help.

But you can and should be kind to yourself.
You need to look in the mirror and like what you see.
You need to get to that point. Once you like yourself then it's all a bit easier.

If your DW won't engage with you then there is nothing you can do to fix this.
As much as others on here would have picked up on this if it had been a woman posting, you are being abused by your DW.
She is withholding affection. She will not communicate with you.
She will not discuss issues with you.
She is stonewalling you. Walking away and not talking to you for a week is stonewalling and it's a horrible type of abuse and something that you should not put up with.

Could you just get away for a few days?
Get some headspace away from your home life?
I've no idea how practical that would be but you need to really think about your future and what you want.

I have to say, 1 year of no sex or intimacy would have seen me long gone.

Arthur don’t be so hard on yourself! You are not the problem here. Your wife doesn’t have a sex drive and that’s that

It happens

You seem amazing! I’d marry you in the next lifetime

This stuff about "haters" is nonsense. Amongst all the very supportive posts he got one harsh post from knobend and knobend had a point even though I wouldn't have phrased it like that. The OP is absolutely seething with anger. It would be better for both of them if he left. But he won't.

He has definitely had unsupportive posts, those assuming he has done something to deserve it.

It's shitty on here for men. Makes me feel ashamed to be female when reading some of the posts.

Women havent always had great responses to this issue either.

Hi Arthur, I really feel for you. It sounds like you're in between a rock and a hard place in your marriage at the moment. It doesn't seem as if your sex life will improve so I would focus upon asking your wife to get a job. Could you look at reducing your hours to care for your son so your wife has to work?