DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

I think he is has controlling tendencies that come out when he is in a low mood. I am widely considered to be ‘uncontrolable’ told this by my father, my mother (with relish), previous bosses etc. If I think something is wrong I can’t drop it and it is annoying. But I haven’t changed, he’s become horribly grumpy and stopped finding my passion charming.

He’s medicated for depression? Then the first step is for him to get a Drs appt ASAP, and you go with him. The dr needs to know he is having these rages and is impossible to live with.
The point is, he is either a nasty individual and you need to divorce, or there’s a reason for this behaviour, which he has to work very hard on to change. He may need different medication but he also needs some physiatrist help.

My standard thought is how would you feel if it was your daughter and her partner? Would you put up with it?

You deserve so much more my love.

You could have a peaceful life without this grumpy man in it.

I would sit down and tell him that if he doesn't buck up then you're out. He is behaving like he doesn't even like you.

He has been to the drs and been referred for further therapy, his medication has been the same for 15 years. It’s caused by childhood trauma and I know he struggles. I hate the thought that my lack of sympathy makes it worse.

I hope DD has higher standards. She doesn’t crave attention and affection like I do and is much stronger and kinder to herself. I don’t think she’d put up with it for one minute. If she was in this situation I would give her a key and tell her to come and stay anytime any day, any night for as long as she liked. My greatest fear is that one day I see ds behave like this. I don’t think he would thou, he is so calm and kind.

There's no cure for being a cunt.

I hate the thought that my lack of sympathy makes it worse

He needs your constant praise, and attention. If he doesnt get it, he sulks. He is jealous of his own DC getting attention.

I would rather have a puppy that behaved like that & who bit/nibbled me occasionaly. At least the puppy wouldn't know any better.

Your DH does know better. He knows what tune he is singing & dare anyone not dance to it.

Bonita there is nothing wrong with you, the fact that you think so adamantly that his behaviour is somehow your fault - points hugely to 'training' emotional abuse, insidious long term (in my opinion ) coupled with his rages and demeaning, degrading comments and the fact that your D.C. are behaving - treading on eggshells around him... HE is at fault HE is responsible. NOT you, you don't deserve to be treated this way. He needs to leave, whilst he has psychiatric treatment or permanently but this cannot continue, it's untenable for you and your dc.

All I will say is, depression is not an excuse for being an arsehole & treating your wife so badly

I say that as someone with depression who is laying on my bed atm because I keep snapping and I’m having a bad day, it’s not my kids or husbands fault so I’m having 10 mins to chill before I cook dinner

How exactly is Thrifty and careful with money a redeeming feature when He has taken me on one date since we met ?

the problem is your lack of good male role models growing up, and having only ever been with this miserable arse you have no other romantic relationship experience to use as a frame of reference.

Your codependency is doing you no favours.....just like mothering and 'rescuing' him all these years has done you no favours.

When he is home we all have to pretend to be doing ‘jobs’ and still you defend him with a list of 'attributes'.

He's a lazy, abusive cunt - and you need to wake up and stop putting up with it.

You've spent your whole relationship enabling him to be like this, you chose to do it all yourself and take responsibility for him instead of insisting he act like an equal.

Is this how you want your dc's future relationships to be like? cause they're learning 'normal' from their parents.
do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

he's been draining your energy by getting you to do everything including taking on all the mental load, so no wonder you're tired.

you need to accept that you can't save him from his past childhood nor his current or future self.

you and the dc would be better off if the pair of you divorced

Ill be really angry for ruining Coco. How can you pick a fight during such a cute film?
Your only sin was to talk during the film.
Frida Kahlo was amazing and worth talking about.
Your husband sounds very insecure and with a massive chip in his shoulder.
Are you the main bread winner, are you better educated than him? Are you smarter?
He clearly thinks very injured about something. Clearly not your fault but something isn't seating right with him.

OP your posts are all about your husband and his issues but really, what jumps out at me are YOUR issues. You seriously need to unpick why you have been putting up with this arsehole for so long. Why you’ve been prepared to let your kids live like this. Why you’ve heard a counsellor tell you that he is the cause of your anxiety - but stayed. You can’t change a damn thing about him but you really need to work on yourself so that you can leave him. You and your kids deserve so much better. How many more years do you want to live with this inadequate self pitying bully? I would start counting in weeks and get the divorce process started. This marriage is long since over.

Why on earth SHOULD you be controllable? What are your parents on about? Do they let anyone control them?

Bonita I have only one thing to say because everyone else has said it all so much better.

Go on your holiday with your DC and without him. Feel what it is like to share life with them and without the shadow of him hanging over every breath you take. Really live in those moments.

Then when you come back, you will know what to do. Really. I've been there.

His bad points far out way his good.

You need to separate before your kids accept this as normal and become damaged.

I think he's very jealous of your son. Your son is good looking, but is clearly very clever. Not being funny, but your husband clearly ISN'T very clever!

I think the Frieda Kahlo thing wasn't that he didn't think it was her, but that he hadn't heard of her and so when you mentioned her (and I imagine your children were interested) he felt ignorant and then became resentful, thinking you were showing off.

He doesn't see you as a team, does he? He resents you earning more, yet if he's only on 10% of your income it sounds as though he's not doing much to earn more. You say he treats his hobbies as work - well, that's nice for him, isn't it, but how would your family survive if you did that?

Honestly, I think you and he together are setting your lovely kids a very bad example of relationships. And I think that's his fault.

And don't let anyone tell you that you're annoying. That's terrible. You sound great - you work hard, you're a great mum, you have a keen interest in things. He sounds like a resentful twat.

As for making things fair if you split up, don't ever think of getting into a situation where you're paying him afterwards. Sort out money now, fair enough, and make sure it's equal, but after that he's on his own financially. He's not given up anything to bring up the children. He indulges himself in his hobby; he can now do that at his own expense.

God I am hoping and praying that you make the decision to leave him (by that I mean make him leave!)
I can only imagine how much lovelier your life will be without him, just you and your gorgeous, caring, delightful-sounding kids for a bit.

No treading on eggshells, no feeling like you're 'annoying' or 'uncontrollable', no having to apologise for him, no one telling you that you are disgusting for coughing, no one telling you repeatedly to fuck off, no one slamming doors in your face, no one making you and the kids feel uncomfortable and tense, no one shouting at your son out of feelings of inadequacy, no threat of holidays being ruined just pure fun and enjoyment on holiday like it's supposed to be, no having to see his god-awful sounding parents at weddings or funerals, no one undermining you at work and at home.

Just imagine what that would be like. Please please please think about this properly and start to make plans for how and when you are going to tell him that he has to leave.

You sound so strong, sensible and clever, if you want to find someone else you will, but you can just enjoy being without him in the short-term.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

OP, the best advice my mother gave me was to pick a husband whose faults you can live with. It doesn't matter what his redeeming features are if his faults are making you miserable.

He doesn't do the 'deal breaker' things

Any one of the things he did would be a deal breaker for me. You have every element of a happy life (your kids sound amazing - I think mine are lovely and they aren't half as good as yours!) and he is making it unhappy. Your home and marriage should be a place of kindness, fun, niceness etc. not walking on egg shells and having someone criticize you constantly.

Seconding a quick chat to Women's Aid, even if you feel that's upping the ante too much. I recommended this to my friend (very, VERY similar situation to you - spookily so), who also felt like a bit of a fraud calling them - they helped her see that what she had been putting up with was abuse.

Also, you sound NICE! Not annoying. Sparky and interesting and curious and fun. Your warmth bounces off the screen as I read the post - you sound like the sort of person I would gravitate towards at a party. You deserve to be with someone who celebrates your vivacity, not someone who is threatened by it and tries to crush it.

Lots of to you @bonitabonita - please take the first step and make that call tomorrow. You're not losing anything, but it could be a crack of light and the start of something that leads you to a better life.

Eggo my STBXH moved out over 6 months ago. Not the same situation as the OP's, but still unbearable to live with and a depressed alcoholic. Life without him has been wonderful. The house is peaceful and calm. The DDs bicker so much less. We have less money so we go on cheaper breaks, but we enjoy every moment of them and never have to worry about whether he's going to drink and be miserable. So, so worth it. If you can't make a home that is happy with your OH, then you need to make one without them.

He doesn’t love you. You are a habit and a convenience. He’ll be “devastated” if you leave, but only because his life will be more complicated and less satisfying without you to kick and blame, whilst also depending on your money.
Your parents screwed your sense of worth. You have raised great kids despite a total cunt of a husband and have managed a flexible and successful career in which you are now well-regarded. That suggests you are neither annoying nor difficult.
My partner is not great in bed and we actually have little in common apart from rugby, but he is the kindest person I know and we make little gestures of our love every day, from a kind word, a sincere thank you or meal cooked or cup of tea brought. He has my back and I his. Your partner is glossy and superficial in his charms and offers none of the realities of being loved. Your DC show you better acts of love than your H.

Thanks for all the comments. You are right. I know. I feel a bit ashamed really.

I think comments about DS are very true. Jealous, petty and trying to blame everyone for his faults. Rude, awkward and hard work.

As soon as we leave for London he'll send loving messages and be incredibly sorry. I am exhausted. I cant do this any more.

He is home now and fixing the ladder to the loft. He just came down and apologised for his behaviour last night and then said "Your response doesn't help me" and I started crying then he said "Why are you cowering, I've never hurt you, stop treating me like I am your dad". I looked at him with tears streaming down my cheeks and said "I am just really sad about your behaviour and you keep blaming me, I am not cowering, I am crying" and he stormed off.

Fuck this. I have had enough.

thank you everyone, I am so grateful. I find it hard to believe all of you are out there helping me, it's quite over whelming. You speak the truth, I know. Its hard to hear. I am scared of being on my own. I have never even slept in a bed on my own. I know I am quite pathetic in a lot of ways, but perceived as very strong.

This is very tiring to read. Poor you.

Initially I was in awe how you got your children to do so much housework and was going to ask you how you did it. Then I realised they do everything because they are trying not to get dad to kick off- as he does when they hoover the entire house but forget the porch, or clean the house, make the dinner but don't bring him a drink. He sounds appalling and they have learned to appease him and when they don't he dislikes them.

I agree with what everyone has said. This is not being loved, and he might be shiny and bright and good-looking on the outside, but the reality is deeply unpleasant. He sounds like he really dislikes you a lot. I think you have to remove yourself quite quickly for that reason alone.

Bonita you are in NO way pathetic. You have such a lot going for you. When this louse is out of your hair you will have so much more energy and I think you will start to feel very very resentful that he managed to persuade you that you were ever pathetic. If he was a decent man he would have helped you to recover from your abusive childhood. Instead, he uses it as yet another stick to beat you with and the best he can say for himself is that he isn’t violent towards you. Wow. My husband hasn’t been violent to me either, not in 25 years, but then neither has he has me or our children walking on eggshells. He hasn’t crushed our self worth. He hasn’t been controlling with money or in other ways. That’s basic stuff by the way and I’m not grateful to him for any of that, any more than I expect him to be grateful to me.