DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

How are things now OP?

You popped into my head this morning, hope things are good with you OP

Thinking of you, wondering how you're bearing up x

I’m worried about you and your children OP are you alright?

Hello everyone,
I am fine thank you so much for caring. We are still together but I have been separating myself slowly but surely, just little things, making plan for Sundays with DC and arranging other things without involving him. DH has been both better and the same. He is having intensive therapy and trying hard to change, but I don't know if he can. We have started just ignoring his rages and doing what we want anyway, which feels terrifying but doesn't actually make anything worse.
I have a long way to go, and there isn't an easy solution. Leaving or having him leave would be a very very long road. I am being independent so I can make that choice in time if I decide to.

Thanks so much for all your help, really. xx

Well done OP.

Really amazing op. Best of luck and

I've just read the whole thread... Wow.

I know what it's like to live with a person like this. . The more important the event, the worse the rage.

What was the holiday like? I hope he didn't ruin it for you.

I got really tense and frightened when I was reading that. I couldn't live like that - I'd have a breakdown.

Your DC are in their teens now. Do you think you'll be with him when they have both left home?

God, the Four Horseman thing is horrible from a relationship perspective. Have I misunderstood?

Thanks for updating us. Everytime I see Freida K now you I think of you & wonder how you're doing!

Sounds like you've made great progress - well done. Don't forget the nest of vipers are always here if you want to vent or get some support.

Thanks for posting

He didn't ruin the holiday no, I made sure he didn't have that power. I also did some bonkers things like booked myself a massage! and bought the ingredients for my favourite cocktail and made myself and my friends cocktails every evening and made us all sit for 20 mins before dinner and talk and laugh, it was lovely to all catch up.
I even did things like booked a little boat trip and when he started on about how it was too expensive and he didn't know if it was a good idea I just said "Ok, you stay here' and he panicked and I have never seen anyone get ready so quickly.
He played with all the DC a lot and was polite and kind to our hosts, but he didn't suggest one thing, make one meal or even suggest a restaurant, he didn't look at prices (this is a classic thing he does when we eat out or in shops whilst also moaning about any money I spend on things like trips out etc), he didn't pack or unpack, he didn't even know where we were some of the time, which DC found hilarious.

I am not sure what I will do, I don't know. I would like to say I will strike out alone, build a life for myself, I was even thinking I could move back to where we holidayed but that isn't realistic due to my health. I dont know.

I asked him to sleep elsewhere last week. I said he obviously didn't want a proper marital relationship and I want less confusion. He was shocked and started behaving better immediately. There seems to be an element of copying his parents behaviour, but why cant he stop?

Thanks for all your help and advice, and for thinking of me. I have been thinking of you, and Frieda.

There's no way you couldn't build a life for yourself with your DC, because you have been anyway.

Wasn't your thread the other one where you went away and he hid your medication in a greenhouse or something, the day before you flew out?

He clearly making life harder for you, you have to undo what he's done and live with his sabotage non stop. You couldn't even get your legs waxed due to his sabotage.

Listen, there's nothing you cannot do. You've suffered his abuse, the physical abuse of his family, and you're still here. You are strong, and they are weak. You are stronger than you know.

Why not talk to someone. Women's Aid and some counselling, work things out. You seem to keep him around because during holiday's he can play football with a group of kids, and that's not worth the abuse you've been suffering.

Go and see someone and work this out, work out how you can easily cope without your OH being an albatross around your neck.

There just seems to be a familiar theme to children who have had chaotic childhoods (not all) They just seem to want to re-create what went on in their family home. So frustrating - such a waste! So often very clever and talented but on a self destruct, conflicting personality, controlling, manipulative, attention seeking. So exhausting for someone who, like yourself sound so loving, level headed and just wants an easy uncomplicated family life. Not too much to ask is it. I speak from experience by the way.