DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

Op I've read most of your thread

But unhelpful I know I'm exhausted and raging on your behalf, in fact I'm gritting my teeth just typing this.

In all honesty, I wouldn't board the plane, I wouldn't go full stop. The kids will be upset I know , but that's the least of your worries, go see a solicitor

I'm sorry I have nothing constructive to add, other than maybe take you and the kids too a hotel for the night without him him

Such a sad thread. OP, I guess it's hard to bite the bullet and believe that your long-term sanity and happiness really are worth the inevitable short-term upset and trauma of getting out of this relationship. And I hate to think of what this must be doing to your children's image of how a decent relationship should be. How dare he treat you like this?!

Really OP, just get rid of him. Don't take him on the holiday if you can possibly not. You go with the children. When you come bacjk make him leave. You deserve so much better. You sound like a great mum and a nice person.

Bonita, you have to move on from this man, you are strong, your children sound amazing, life will, in the end, be so much simpler without him.

So sad, that after all of your hard work, and preparation, the one single hour you had to yourself, has been taken away, I could cry for you.

Channel Frida, you are going to get past this stage in your life, and come out the other side happy.

Reading your last couple of posts - life would be so much easier without him. He's a bloody millstone, OP.

It's so much easier doing things on your own, than that crap.

I am at the end of my tether.

He's behaving really strangely. Lay on the floor last night and fell asleep at 7pm, was woken twice, kept falling asleep again. I was working, he heated up 2 pizzas, dropped a filthy tea towel on mine then when berserk when he saw a fleeting look of disgust cross my face - saying "Why am I expected to do EVERYTHING"

About 10pm he started adding more and more stuff to the packing pile - shoes, loads of clothes. I pointed out it would mean repacking all the cases and taking mine and kids things out and he just looked angry and stormed off.

I have changed my MN password in case he has been reading this but he has never been a snooper before and I don't actually mind if he reads it. It is nothing I haven't said to him.

I just want to be allowed to enjoy my holiday with friends I have not seen in 8 years.

:(

He is not happy about you having a holiday and seeing your friends, I wonder if he feels threatened by you spending time with people that love and care for you?

Give him the responsibility of his own passport, tickets and case and see how far he gets.

He will be expert on your behaviour Bonita. That's how he knows to make the good times good.

If he was on mn he'd be saying the same about you. she's behaving strangely because you are not the old Bonita anymore. You are the aware Bonita. Who knows whats going on. Who can work it all out. His controlling 'games' no longer have the same power over you and he's confused.

So now he has to watch you closer than ever to work out new ways in which he can manipulate the new Bonita. Please click on the link from a pp about narcissists because it will explain this more.

You're right :(

hats fine Bonita, tell him he can pack his own case, deal with his own passport, visa, foreign currency.
So he lies on the floor, (looking for attention) an behaves strangely. Can you try & discover if he has hidden vodka anywhere? Personally I would have sims, "I don't have time for this bullshit, I consecrate my whole waking life to work, home, family & you are behaving like a idiot.Are you heading for a breakdown ? I think rather than come on this holiday with the intention of ruining it, you should go & get a full medical check up, including, Alcohol abuse, Aspergers, Depression.
Just how much longer so you think I am going to put up with this ?"
No raised voices, just a calm, clear, factual statement.

He should have had the dud pizza surely ?

Be careful. He’s abusive and, for the moment, unpredictable. Stay on your guard x

Bonita your updates on his behaviour make for alarming reading. It's all escalating. He is ramping up the abuse and manipulating you into doing all the wifework. I thought he was meant to be making amends??? Where's the man who fed all the animals and left the house pristine for your return?
Now he's falling asleep on the floor for hours and swearing over the smallest things? It's actually scary how quickly it's escalating. He knows that YOU KNOW. He knows he's losing you.

Meanwhile, you've lost all patience with him and cannot take any more.

His behaviour is erratic, unpredictable and dangerous.

Your safety and that of your children is paramount. Think deep about whether it's safe to go on the holiday with him right now.

Stay safe.

He does know. He is ashen faced and really stressed. He keeps apologising for letting me down then the next minute losing his temper. I am a rubbish liar. I am sad we are in this situation.

Losing his temper? About what? I see nothing for him to be losing HIS temper over.

Write a list (it's a short one) of the things he has to do.
i.e.
1 - Pack your own hand luggage
2 - Buy two MUFC shirts

Next time he whines about how much he has to do, give him his list of two items.

Put aside all the extra luggage items he has gathered and ignore it completely. When he asks if it was packed, tell him unless he packed it, it hasn't been packed. If he asks you to pack it, tell him it is his luggage and he has to sort it out himself as you are packing for yourself and the children. Emphasise 'children'.

It sounds as if he can't cope with any activity in the house that is not directed by him, with maybe a touch of umbrage that his turf has been taken over by you, inability to cope when he is not the centre of attention (the holiday is, and you will be seeing your friends) and a big dollop of learned helplessness and histrionic personality disorder.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/histrionic-personality-disorder

I think his main issue that he won't be able to play his games while you are on holiday in front of your friends which will be adding to his stress levels.

I would tell to stop the behaviour the fake apologies and just do as you have asked him to do. As you are not asking to anything that is unreasonable.

Sometimes facing the truth is sad and takes time to come to terms with.

Hugs op. Keep safe. Be aware.

It won't always be like this.

Keep safe bonita. Men like him can turn 'nasty' when they suspect the woman is going to leave them. By nasty I mean violent of course. As they fear if she leaves they have nothing to lose any way. Even for men who have no previous record of being violent. This is the most dangerous moment for women in a relationship according to domestic violence agencies. Leave the house immediately and/or call the police if you feel you're in any danger.

I don't mean to alarm you. But nothing is more important than your safety and that of your children.

Thinking of you x

My boyfriend is being like this. He knows Im off ill today, yet has not phoned me. When he finally rang at 6, he complained I hadnt emailed him today! WTF!

How are you Bonita?

Feel for you OP. My DH is a bit like this.

Hope you are OK, op.

Someone on another thread mentioned The four horsemen of the apocalypse by Gottman as a way of understanding communication.

I think your DH is resorting to defensiveness. It's a really good read and has helped me to understand my marriage. The only issue is that DH is stonewall and defensiveness so no idea how to communicate with him!

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/