DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

What are his redeeming features? What on Earth could possibly make up for all that awfulness?

He isn't the SAHP, he works 6am- 2.30pm I work 3pm - 10pm and all day Saturday so we have never had childcare. I had a corporate job and quit when I was pregnant to be with DC, they are my life.

I am a high earner and have my own business so I take all the school holidays with DC and spend more time with them overall. We are very close, even now they are older and we have been doing a lot just the 3 of us for the last few years, which has been good.

I see all our money as family money and if we did separate I would want him to have a nice place to live for the DC to stay etc. We don't argue about money other than him digging that it is all mine. I certainly don't think that.

Thanks so much for all your kindness. I must sound a fool.

I have never loved anyone else. He was my first boyfriend. He doesn't do the 'deal breaker' things - never violent towards us, no cheating, careful with money, no addictions etc. Can I leave him because he didn't think it was Frieda Kahlo? really? Is that what it comes down to?

When I say leave, I am going no where. This is my house, I chose it, I chose every piece of furniture, every lick of paint and fabric. I begged him to help me chose the carpets but he was too busy in the garden. The garden I spent 3 years finding for him - according to his exact light and soil specifications. I saw over 70 houses, he saw 3, dismissing 2 and then saying 'ok' top this one. I am just a fucking idiot aren't I?

God I am so stupid. This is a sad thread. I am pathetic aren't I? So desperate for love and security I put up with any old shit.

Jesus, So so controlling, its scary

DH has a strop because we bought tickets to a show and booked a restaurant

He frequently ignores me and refuses to speak to me
He gets angry if I campaign politically and says I am 'try hard
He said I was not allowed my pets but when I got them he took over
he says minor things like a verruca I have are 'disgusting' and makes a horrified face if I do something like cough. He has told me I am disgusting for farting in my sleep before, and been angry about it
he dominates the television and I do not watch anything I like without a huge fuss
He is angry if I do things things with DC without him, whilst not wanting to come himself

By the time I got back DH was in a rage because DS hadn't hovered the porch when he'd done the house that morning

I think the kids are asking you not to 'talk back to him' because they can't face him kicking off AGAIN.

Its really bloody awful.

Bonita, these are deal breaker things. He’s treating you absolutely dreadfully. You’re not stupid and you’re not desperate. Probably a lot more patient than a lot of people, but that’s not a crime!

Please put the wheels in motion to separate. I don’t say this lightly but your posts are so desperately sad because the great life you and your kids could have without his constant shit is so obvious and shines through your posts.

redeeming features:

Very funny
Clever
Fixes everything
Handsome
Good lover always puts me first
Never looked at another woman, finds me very attractive
Willing to do anything for DC - I often have to tell him what to do, but he does it
Thrifty and careful with money
no addictions
Talented artist
Encyclopedic knowledge of music/films/tv shows
good at sports/plays with DC a lot
will help me with my animals even thou he doesn't like it
Puts up with me (I know you have said I am not annoying but I think I am and don't think anyone else will put up with me)
I am sure there are more things I am just on a bit of a downer about him atm

I sometimes wonder if he hates me. I did once say to him thru the shed door "do you really hate me more than you love DC" but he says he loves me and always apologies late at night. Usually after Ive gone to bed.

Bonita - it might not seem it right now but you are standing in a good place. You are really paying attention to how things are - to what is truly happening - even though this is often very painful. I think you sound amazing - managing all that is going on as well as trying to work it all out.

It is totally exhausting. Remember you don't have to do anything right now - or even at all. You have the right to choose to continue to try and rescue this man and try to 'make' him happy but the truth is we can only ever be responsible for our own happiness. Some of us choose never to be happy - we just cannot do it.

You have the right to choose to end this relationship at any time - if you discover that's the best way for you and your DC to find your happiness. The only responsibility you have is to yourself. It's very clear from all your posts that you are showing your DC the right way to be - even though your DH appears to be showing them the opposite. So currently they are living beneath the sun and shadow at times but actually they (and you) are allowed to live without the shadow.

Take as much time as you need to read more, explore more, find out more. While you are doing this spend important and necessary time looking after and doing things for you so that if you find there is a decision to be made you are in the best place with as much energy as you need. There will be times when you want desperately to leave and times you want to say - times of doubt - and times of being certain. Natural ups and downs - the way life is. We are all free to choose. We all do choose whether we consciously acknowledge this or not.

Choice is a risk but the right choice is always the one which will bring you joy.

Short term you need to have that holiday without him.

Long term you need to get him out your house.

I’m no prude but frankly him constantly swearing at you to fuck off is horrible. The undermining and controlling are horrible. Maybe he does have redeeming features but why should you constantly compromise your happiness for his tantrums.

Very funny - when??
Clever - not clever enough to have a decent career
Fixes everything - you can pay someone to do that
Handsome - meaningless
Good lover always puts me first - good sex isn't worth being abused, and other men are also good lovers
Never looked at another woman, finds me very attractive - really? Apart from your verucca and coughing and night farting?
Willing to do anything for DC - I often have to tell him what to do, but he does it - doesn't use initiative, why does he need to be told? You said he doesn't actually do stuff with them when you're not there so I call BS here
Thrifty and careful with money - money YOU earn.
no addictions - that's not a plus point, that's a baseline
Talented artist - and?
Encyclopedic knowledge of music/films/tv shows - totally meaningless
good at sports/plays with DC a lot - really? Contradicts what you said above
will help me with my animals even thou he doesn't like it - and takes over, you said
Puts up with me (I know you have said I am not annoying but I think I am and don't think anyone else will put up with me) - better to be alone than with an abusive man who makes you believe you have to be put up with

In the last 3 years he has ditched all his friends - doesn’t call or text back, started ignoring any visitors etc. Spends all gardening or on his phone reading about music whilst listening to music.

I would seem mental health red flags here. Possibly d

What you deserve is a partner who loves you, supports you, and is proud of you like your mother. What you appear to have is a husband who might have more in common with your father than you realise.

I noticed your point about him 'critiquing' you to your staff, as well as his oldest friend blaming you for him not being in touch. Sounds like he's critiqued you that person as well. He can't take responsibility for anything can he - he dumps his friend, but it's entirely your fault!

Oops posted to soon

Possibly depression, possibly other things? early onset dementia but I would really think he needs to talk to his GP

The good stuff isn't really him. Apart from sex, there's nothing positive about him for you. He treats you like shit. Would he treat you like this if he loved you?

"Willing to do anything for the DC"
But not to put their mothers and their feelings before his own it seems.
I am so sorry that you are feeling upset and tired and I honestly think you sound like an amazing wife and mother.
This was how my DF behaved, we hated when he was in a strop and the house only ever felt light and happy when he was away on business and we could be ourselves and my mum could relax and be herself without having to watch her words.
Honestly it's just s exhausting, you must be so tired Bonita.
It feels as though he just takes it all out on you, you are his source of blame for everything, instead of looking to himself, he projects it on to you. He has not got your back, he is not on your side.
It is not up to you, to fix him or resolve his problems from his crappy childhood.
You deserve so much more, you and your DC just sound beautiful together and they are so lucky to have you.
Please take care of yourself, maybe ask him not to come on your holiday and tell him you will be considering your future together. Ask for space to sort out what is next for you.
He needs to know that this is no longer acceptable, and will not be tolerated
Xx

Has anyone had success at making someone see their own unreasonable behaviour?

I was very close to splitting with Dh a few years ago. He had a terrible childhood and I spent years using that to justify putting up with his rages. One day I’d had enough. Like you it was something very silly. I’d asked him if he knew he was in 3rd gear, (we were doing 50 at the time). He went ballistic at me, shouting, swearing etc.
We got home and I told him that was it, I’d had enough and I wanted to separate. I also told him that if he didn’t leave there and then I would. (Dc we’re both a team uni at this point).
I think the shock of this really hit him. He was devasted and asked for a chance. He promised to go find a therapist there and then and to go the next day. He realised he had a huge problem with his temper, that he was stressed, that his childhood upset him very much, he acknowledged he took this all out on me and that he had to stop.

I did give him this chance and he did do therapy (he still goes once a fortnight). It has changed him immeasurably. So in answer to your question, people can change, but it has to come from them. You say your H apologies to you, well then he knows he’s being abusive. You say he sees a therapist, I’d ask your H if he’s told the therapist that he is abusive to you.

You need to tell your H can’t put something into place very, very soon, your relationship is over.

Those redeeming features are not redeeming at all. The only things on there which could possibly be viewed as such are ‘funny’ and good in bed.

Bonita, lots and lots of men are both funny and good at sex without all the other crap that comes with your husband. From what you’ve said, a GSOH and sex would not be enough to keep me with this man.

Honestly OP if you can't change things for yourself change for your kids. They will be telling all this crap to a counsellor soon.

Your DH berated a child for not hoovering the porch and ruined a really lovely child's excitement about the match. That's appalling.

The list of his good points is so fucked up. This situation has nothing to do with Freida K. Listen to what your counsellor told you.

You and your children deserve so much more.

Your children are learning all about relationships from you and him.

Based on your OP alone, can I just say what wonderful DC you have. It also sounds like you have a great relationship with them, that you can talk so widely and enjoy each other's companies. You must be an awesome mum .

Your husband has serious issues and it is not fair on anyone that he is dictating the family dynamic in such a unhealthy way. He's also treating you appallingly.

Not sure how the thread has developed, so apologies if I'm overstepping here but do you think the situation is recoverable? Would you and your DCs lives be better off without him?

It's so sad that he's made you feel that your characteristics of being cheerful, optimistic, intelligent and knowledgeable are faults, when in fact they are qualities that he should value in you. You don't sound at all annoying to me. You have been conditioned to see yourself as annoying.

I'm thinking he could do with seeing a doctor. His behaviour seems to be worsening over the last few years, it is erratic, and there seems to be anger and depression as well as shutting himself off from everything and everyone. I'd be wanting him checked out for brain tumours and mental health disorders. But equally if he didn't agree to that I'd be insisting on a trial separation (and I so rarely say LTB) with him moving out. It's not like he's always been a bastard - you've given examples of good aspects of him. BUt he's in a downward spiral with you & the DC in the middle. For all your sakes (including his) he needs to get himself checked out in case there's something wrong that can be sorted / improved so that you can sort things out, and if it is just that he's becoming a grade A shit then you & the kids can start a life separate.

And apart from the washing example (which I don't think you handled well as it came over as accusatory rather than 'for future reference') you don't sound like getting anything particularly wrong. Far from it.

Op your children sounds bloody amazing for them and you please leave him xxx

What would you say to your beautiful children if one of them was being treated how your “DH” treats you?

Big hugs

DO NOT LET HIM COME ON YOUR HOLIDAY .
Your kids sound amazing as do you. Go be amazing. I agree with others he gearing up to spoil hour holiday. Your list of his good points is slightly fantasy land as another pp has pointed out. ‘Would do anything for the kids’- ha. Including not shouting at them? Including being happy they are doing the things they asked to do in London? Including celebrating their successes? Nope nope and nope. DO NOT LET HIM SPOIL YOUR HOLIDAY.

I have just re read and realised I have missed a really important point that he does have depression and has been medicated for it for 15 years. He has had a lot of counselling.

I think he was in a trance for the first 12 years of dc lives - just absorbed with day to day life. Suddenly they are bigger and don’t hero worship him anymore. Also I have become a recognised expert in a specialist and sort after field so have a lot of recognition of my work. He makes spiteful ‘everyone kisses your arse’ comments but I only ever set the business up and worked so hard for the family. It seems to have twisted in his head. I can’t carry on like this, I know that.

He has only started shouting at ds recently. I think he is jealous of him.

Yes, the positive features list is silly, I feel a bit embarrassed.

Thank you for all being so kind. I really appreciate all the time you have taken to read and it means a lot to me.