DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

i know I am annoying

I think you've got that back to front.

i know he is annoyed

He is very talented at sports and art. He can fix anything, he is charming when he wants to be and very good looking

Apart from 'can fix anything' you could be describing by XDH. I think being talented exacerbates the feeling of being an underachiever (I have this too but don't take it out on others.) Also interesting that becoming teetotal doesn't stop them being an arse.

I went thru a phase of losing my rag and screaming at him when he did it but it made me ashamed of myself and scared dc. I apologised to them and got a grip of myself, haven’t done it for years. That seemed to make him more annoyed because ‘you think you’re perfect’ and I think he tries to provoke me when he tells me to ‘fuck off’ so we have a blazing row and then I am ashamed and we’re equally at fault. That maybe totally wrong thou. I have spent too many hours trying to figure this out.

Bonita, they know the theory of women being entitled to speak, but in practice they're seeing that you should STFU. Which do you think really stays with them?

He is who he is, would you consider ending the relationship?

So you're wrong if you answer back and wrong if you don't. Whichever strategy you choose, it doesn't fix the problem (which is him) and it's a horrible way to live.

Oh I don’t know. Thanks so much.

I am annoying. I know I am. I read all the time and have found that many people are annoyed by ‘knowledge’ especially if it doesn’t fit with their world view. I don’t lecture people and don’t ever tell any adult anything unless they ask but I do speak to my dc constantly, they like it and ask me stuff all the time, and dh is there so it annoys him.

I forgot that 2 weeks ago he told ds “she is the most sexist person on the planet” so I said ‘what’ and he said that I hated men! And I was so shocked I just laughed. I have 4 brothers I am very close to and my best friend is a man, it was a crazy statement.

He seems emotionally stunted in some way. I am just drained.

I have saved for this holiday for 4 years and we are visiting a pace very special to me, incredibly sentimental. I will probably only have this chance to visit with my dc. He is selfish. I am tired of his self absorption and his pity party for his bad childhood/.

I realise I sound horrible, I just want to enjoy all I have worked for. I have earned 90% of what we have had since we were 18. He has excelled in courses and not pursued things, he has wasted opportunities. I am tired of him.

Has anyone had success at making someone see their own unreasonable behaviour?

OP your husband was damaged by his parents behaviour and now you and your children are being damaged by their father's behaviour.

Please take this seriously. You may find it hard to accept but you are being abused in your home and so are your children. If you find it hard to accept ring Women's Aid and have a chat about what's going on. Abuse doesn't only mean physical assaults, verbal assaults are equally damaging.

I won't go into too much but both my children were damaged by their father, my ex husband. I left when they were little but he had access. Your husband sounds like my ex, a bullying controller.

Both my children ended up in counselling services as a result of his behaviour. One of them ended up with a mental illness that she is still being treated for.

You sound like a very nice person and highly capable. He is ruling you and your children. Life cannot be happy and fun with him controlling you all. Don't let one person ruin your life and your kids lives.

Please separate for your health and wellbeing and that of your children.

I am capable but co dependant. I was neglected as a child and had a very young mother and a controlling violent father. My dm did her best, she was very young but clever and got me a scholarship at a posh private school so I escaped a lot of the madness. I struggle to maintain am even keel without dh even thou I know he is not good for me.

Sorry, I a a bit upset now.

I thought if I did eveytrthing and he had no pressure he would be nice, but it made him feel like a failure.

DS is the cleverest person I have ever met, he has an incredible memory and his teachers say he is outstanding. I am just proud and slightly in swe of him, dh is sometimes very unkind and I think it is jealousy. He is angry ds will argue with him but all teenagers do this and he isn’t disrespectful. It’s just pathetic.

Once again I will recommend reading Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It explained a lot of my ex's behaviour. I particularly feel for you when you know that whatever you do, he will pick a fight,and they manipulate it so cleverly that the children blame you. If counselling isn't helping, leave,don't waste any more precious life on him.

He sounds like a prick. I haven’t read the whole thread but just wanted to say your children sound absolutely brilliant!

He is a bully and bullying is very damaging for the victims. You have great insight into your childhood and although you see yourself as not capable believe me you are capable.

You are a loving mum and your children love you. You speak so kindly and loving about your children.

Just ring Women's Aid for a chat. They will help you see the wood for the trees.

Go on the holiday without him. It will give you and the children time to breathe.

He may realise how serious you are if he sees that he is making himself irrelevant by behaving like a dictator.

I thought if I did eveytrthing and he had no pressure he would be nice

You've tried to fix him and learnt that you can't. Stop beating your head against a brick wall. It's sucking the fun out of your life and having an impact on your kids that will never go away.

Don't take him on holiday. He's reneged on the deal, so if you take him he (and your lovely DC!) will get even more of a message that he can get away with this shitty behaviour. Leave him to have a think about he's treating his loved ones.

Read Lundy. Ring Women's Aid/NCDV.

Seriously, I am well jell of your you and your kids.

Dear god. Leave this idiot, please.

What I find most worrying is that your kids think you should be silent. They are absorbing the message that women are responsible for men's anger, not good

Absolutely this.

He sounds like a miserable bastard who can’t stand feeling inferior to you. Do you really want to live the rest of your life walking on eggshells for fear of his sulks and rages?

I am annoying. I know I am. I read all the time and have found that many people are annoyed by ‘knowledge’ especially if it doesn’t fit with their world view. I don’t lecture people and don’t ever tell any adult anything unless they ask but I do speak to my dc constantly, they like it and ask me stuff all the time, and dh is there so it annoys him.

I have nothing really helpful to add to this thread, apart from this one thing, and I will shout it out:

YOU ARE NOT ANNOYING!

He is projecting his own issues onto you and I really doubt he will find it in him to stop this. Does he even apologise to you? Does he see he is in the wrong? If he can't see that I don't think there is much hope.

Please please please don't let him come on the holiday with you, I think he is subconsciously working up to a massive tantrum to destroy it for you.

It doesn't matter if his behaviour is deliberate or he lashing out due to subconscious issues he is being nasty, abusive and your DC shouldn't be witness to it.

Op I wonder if your dh has been self-medicating with alcohol and now he's doing without he's feeling the effects of that. He sounds depressed. Or is it possible he is backsliding into drink? Not that any of his 'issues' excuses his behaviour.

It's such a shame, it sounds like you have all the ingredients for a happy life but he sounds very unhappy and is taking everyone down with him. I can't think why he'd go to the trouble of so much self-improvement (quitting drink, having rewarding hobbies, seeing a therapist etc) if the result is just stomping around acting out.

Do you know why he's dropped all his friends? I wonder if they won't put up with his bullshit or if he just finds all relationships too difficult.

Do you see a therapist yourself op? If you know you're prone to codependency it might help to have some support to help you hold your boundaries safely.

I am concerned that he is so intimidating and hostile toward you in front of your children and I agree that this can't be allowed to continue. If he is so unhappy he can't act in an acceptable manner he really needs to either work on that in a more proactive fashion or leave. Staying and being abusive is not an option.

for you op, you deserve better.

I think you need to tell him he either sorts himself out and stops raging, and whatever it is he does that means you all have to do chores whenever he is in the house [what is that all about?]...or he leaves.

I mean, his behaviour about you saying something when simply watching a film, is so totally fucking out of order I just don't know where to start.

I remember your thread about the holiday, I think. It seems he has wangled himself into it. It seems to me that you have reached a natural make or break point in this marriage. He needs to be clear about the importance to you and the consequences if he can't become someone capable of a loving stable relationship with you and his kids.

Really, don’t take him on holiday. He will spoil it for you. And as a poster upthread said, he’s reneged on the deal.
You tell him he’s not going on holiday and he’ll be sorry and nice and I promise you, when you are there, he will carry on with his appalling behaviour to you. This is heartbreaking; you sound so relentlessly hard working and cheerful. You don’t deserve this and it’s not worth it. Please stop and thing about your future happiness. At the moment, you’re being cheerful and nice and calm because he is so foul and then he’s got the cheek to call you “Pollyanna”? This man has problems and you can’t sort them. He wants you miserable