DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

Bonita when he is gone from your life, so will your doubts and fears be gone from your life. His pathetic non-apology is so typical - I'm sorry for my behaviour but you made me do it - fuck that!

You need to get rid of him. Then please, please, please do the Freedom Programme. It will open your eyes. Then spend a while being single and enjoying life with your DCs. Yours are a bit younger than mine (mine are 15 and 17) but honestly, life with teens can be so incredibly rewarding. Then, when you have recovered your sense of self and your self esteem, you might meet someone. Probably when you're not actually looking.

The world is your oyster, go and slurp it.

It's time. It's sad but it's time this ends

Bonita, chica, stop blaming yourself! You keep making excuses for him, that his behaviour is linked to how you behave. No, it’s not. He’s the one being a cunt, he’s the one controlling you, deriding you for daring to be intelligent. He is out and out abusive. He’s wrecking your children by ensuring they comply with his god awful behaviour and they now try to shut you up when you have done nothing wrong!

I’m horrified for you. None of the ‘redeeming’ qualities you list are enough to make up for the abuse he doles out to you constantly. Please consider what this is doing to your children if you won’t admit that he’s abusing YOU.

Please don’t carry on like this; you need to let go of what should be, and look at what is. Do it for your children if you can’t convince yourself that it isn’t your fault.

Didn't you know? When he's ready to apologise, you're meant to say "That's ok, i love you, let's put it behind us". He doesnt want you to "guilt trip" him. If he now has a further strop, he's training you to give the correct response next time he apologises.

His apologising and texting when you leave for London is designed to ruin your day so you spend all day thinking about him left at home by himself. Screw that. Go have fun with your kids then when you get home, make plans to get rid of him. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Just because he's not hitting you it doesn't mean he's not damaging you.

Thing is you are teaching your daughter exactly what is acceptable in a relationship. You are kidding yourself if you think otherwise and that some innate sense of self worth will prevent her from allowing herself to put up with the same kind of nonsense.

And what about your lovely boy, who will grow up thinking that a Dad's job is to bully and undermine and be jealous of their kid. Let alone how he should treat women when he grows up.

You sound like an amazing woman. Wishing you strength tonight as it must be exhausting to be sharing this.

OP you really deserve to be happy. When you muster up the courage to end this marriage you will look back on this and wonder why you put up with it for so long. You only get one life, one chance with your DC going through the years.... don't waste anymore.

You can do it xx

Bonita
14 / 7 years ago I too was convinced that it was me, that I was "a handful/too knowledgeable /hard to live with" this was drummed into me with "joking" comments, snide remarks, unkind comparisons and silent treatments, ignoring, pretending listening and RAGES, he smashed stuff BUT because he never hit me I thought it was me... it wasn't - when I finally left (because he did something that i could 'identify' as wrong/illegal/unforgivable) I was offered a place with a shelter and the trained professionals assisted me in realising what emotional and psychological abuse is and that my children and I had been subjected to it for seven years... We're out and so much happier and healthier, I couldn't have imagined just how much until I was out!

This is really, really, messed up.

And he's now starting to pick on your son.

He may never have hit you, but he's certainly trying to badger you into submission, and will pick up the pace on the DC.

Many of us do annoying things, that doesn't mean it's OK to be bullied and harassed . also, we often see ourselves as our parents did. Your parents certainly had a terrible family set-up, so you shouldn't really trust anything they said. Your mum was great for getting you into that school, but not many parents enjoy telling their kids their faults! You need to tune out that voice.

If you can, stop him from coming on the holiday - he 100% will deliberately ruin it. Look at how all your examples are from times when someone else was happy, and he just invents a reason to destroy that happiness. He's making you unhappy with your life when it could be so wonderful, he's destroyed his DS's memory of the World Cup, he'll do it to the holiday.

His apologies are too little, too late and entirely insincere. They are a manipulative trick just to suck you back in so you give him another chance.

If you stay together, this will just start happening more & more until all 3 of you are just doing the most ridiculous things (like parking in a lay-by to study) just to keep him happy.

Even when he goes for counselling he lies, blames you & then believes the lies. There's no hope here of him fixing himself, and you can't do it either. This is not going to get better, or even stay at this (terrible) stale-mate.

Bonita there is so much more to life than this. Life is for living, having fun and experiencing new and exciting things with the DC. He is sucking the joy out of each day in his controlling and dickish ways and now he's starting to show these behaviours towards your son its time to put a stop to it and put you & DC first.
You've have so much excellent advice already which I can only agree, starting new is scary and frightening but you already do so much on your own anyway. You'll flourish on your own and DC will be protected from picking/copying his ways.

You are certainly not pathetic and I actually admire you! You & your DC have achieved a hell of a lot and DH hasn't been a driving force in that, it's down to you :)

OP you sound great. You don't sound annoying. For someone so accomplished, your low opinion of yourself can be at least partly attributed to having a partner who puts you in the wrong all the time. (Don't think your parents helped much either.)

Interesting that he uses the same critical words that your parents used. Maybe you think it's because they're true. It's more likely that he's used the things you've shared that have hurt you and he's leveraging the emotional impact of these.

Just because he's not hitting you doesn't mean he's not abusive. It's not what he does to you, it's the impact it has on you that counts. I'm sure he wouldn't want to view himself as abusive so if he can get the desired effect (make you feel/behave a certain way) without being old-school abusive, then he'll do that.

Oh my love! You sound absolutely amazing. An extraordinary woman. You have so much to be proud of.

Fuck him off asap. LTB. Show him the door. Give him his marching orders. Kick him to the kerb.

You and you lovely DC deserve so much better, and being alone will be better than putting up with his abuse.

He's pathetic, threatened, jealous, bitter, mean-spirited, spiteful and a bully. He may be good looking on the outside but he is ugly on the inside. Get rid. Time's up.

to you, you deserve all the

Oh, and his obsessive 'need' to be in the garden (and the right one) while his kids do all the housework? That's a pretty disgusting display of control right there, before the shouting begins.

And throwing things around in the front porch IS a form of physical violence. He's using those objects to show you how much strength he has and to intimidate you. Why bother to hit a person (with all the legal problems that can cause) when he gets as much obedience just by throwing a few things around on the porch?

He's got you and the DC dancing to his tune, and is just ramping things up to make sure your kids don't become too happy/independent as they reach adulthood. He's clearly doing a great job of making you all his little pawns in his great game of I'm So Damaged And You Will Be My Punching Bag.

What everyone else said.....

And please don’t think you are annoying. You sound amazing and I wish I knew you IRL.

Just keep reminding yourself of that World Cup night. That really stood out as a pinnacle of awfulness. He deliberately chose to destroy a happy atmosphere. To wreck something that hadn’t happened in 30 years. To make it all about him. To make you fear him. He cannot cope with if the attention isn’t on him. That is all shades of fucked up. You owe him nothing.

Every word you write about him confirms what kind of man he is I’m afraid. And that’s a man who’s had the misfortune to be with someone who’s so much better than himself it’s eating him from the inside out.

You try to soar above your childhood and limitations. He’s there on the quayside trying to clip your flight feathers filled with hate and jealousy that you might ever feel the joy of life in the air.

You try and help him up and he’s trying to kick you down into the gutter... and now he’s doing it to your son. Because he’s only happy if others are miserable and grovelling in crap below him.

He’s so out of tune with your feelings he can’t even interpret a basic emotion like crying... he’s not really interested in what’s happening in real life, only so’s he can push and prod you all into behaving how he wants you all to.

I wonder if you’d ever be able to cut through all his bullshit to get him to answer ‘why, just why, does he WANT his children and partner to be unhappy and desperate?’

Ahhh, probably not. I think he’s got himself very well insulated against any truth percolating through.

@WellThisIsShit that is a brilliant post!

I’m sitting here reading this having just had the same issue, having the same thoughts and dilemmas. I’ve got nothing useful to add, but reading your posts and people’s responses have helped solidify things in my mind www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3301744-Fed-up-with-DH-s-selfishness?noti=1#79633346

Thank you all so much. I feel quite overwhelmed. Thank you, I am reading everything, I feel a bit raw and keep crying. You're all so kind.

Op, you are being so strong in dealing with this.

I agree with PPs that your children sound wonderful.

Please think about what will happen when they grow up. They currently spend time at home because they have to. What happens when they go to university or have jobs and homes of their own?

Are they going to want to visit you if their dad is there ruining any good atmosphere?

Compare that to what it would be like if you lived apart from him and your grown up children WANTED to come round and hang out with you, watch a film, talk about politics etc.

Normal people really are so kind compared to a bastard who is always dripping poison into your ear x

OP Listen to Pointy (btw Pointy I follow you and support you from afar). You are a great person. OP go on the break with the kids and see how you all flourish without him. You are a lovely interesting hard worker. You are operating so successfully with him dragging you down. Imagine how you would soar on your own x

Chasing thank you! I'm going to start a new thread soon.

Bonita just keep reading this until you start deep down believing that it's not you, it's him.

Your kids sound so like mine - lively, interested in the world, great to talk to. They don't need a joysucker in their lives, and that is what their father is.

Our home was toxic when exh was there. When he was gone we sighed a collective sigh of relief. My DC still have contact with him but at 19 & 21 contact is on their terms.

He has no hold on us anymore. That will be you!!

Mine don't have any contact at all at the moment. Not even by text. They are 15 and 17 and it is 100% their decision. If he wants contact, he has to earn it by being sober, employed, mentally well and - well, their dad.