DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

I know I am ranting. I feel like I'm in a weird Sci Fi film with the last 25 years flashing before my eyes slightly different to how I remember it....

Hey, don't be hard on yourself. I am experiencing very similar at the minute about my childhood. I am having flashbacks, remembering certain things that happened that I now know are not normal, despite how they were rationalised to me at the time.

If it's dangerous, then take him. All I am saying is, I doubt it will be the dream you pictured it to be, and that'll be OK. I wouldn't put so much expectation on it due the fact, as soon as he acts up, and he will, it'll be an even bigger let down for you and hurt you that bit more. If you can see what I mean.

No. This is NOT your fault. None of it. Got that?

This has gone on for so long. Ever heard of death by 1000 paper cuts? That’s exactly what this is. You notice each cut, but it’s not enough in itself to worry about. But they add up over time.

Bonita have you got RL support? Can you talk to your friend when you’re on holiday?

Go and enjoy yourselves, if he chooses not to organise himself that's up to him.
Make sure you enjoy it and try not to focus on what he's doing, water off a ducks back.

Yes, I think I can do it. Just let go.

He'll start tantruming thou won't he
"me me me"

FFS

Bonita i understand your reasons for taking him with you on holiday. Please keep your wits about you and don't give him any reason now to think you're considering ending the relationship - if you are that is. He sounds a little sinister in the way he can change from being a devil to an angel at the drop of a hat. It's all Jekyll and hyde. And potentially dangerous.

Stay safe. Xx

Organise him, up to a point.

You shouldn't have to, but you've spent a lot of money on this holiday, so just make sure he has all the essentials that could cause you bother, like passports (if he doesn't have it, it'll be more fuss for you).

I don't think you should do this, but if you are planning to make a break afterwards, it's only a few weeks you'll have to bother about it. You know you don't want a life time of it, so just do what you can and feel up to.

Also, how did your FIL assault you while pregnant?

Do you still have contact with this man?

Just read this slowly:

It's.
Not.
Your.
Fault.

Keep saying it to yourself. I don't think I can add anything else as pp have said it all.

Well, the organising, You (like me) , are the driving force, the one with the ideas, the courage, the skills & the drive to organise these things.
I do exactly the same.
All I can say, is like PP above said, He needs "directing". Give him a job or activity to undertake he will do it, & come back puffed up like a bird in winter, ready for praise.
I agree it's draining & depressing having an extra weight, (as opposed to a supportive adult to share the responsibility with) but on this holiday I fear you have no choice taking him given what you have said.
or basically you go without him, & that may end your marriage, giving him a head start on preparing his solicitor for battle.
Because, he is not going to walk away from his garden without a fight

Oh God the FIL madness just makes me sound like a hysterical drama queen, but I am not.

When I was 8 months pregnant we visited PIL for easter lunch. I was helping clear the table and went to put a plate in the dishwasher. FIL was so enraged that I hadn't rinsed it properly that he charged at me arms outstretched and pushed me over. I went down hard as I had SP and couldn't brace my legs if you see what I mean, so I just sort of collapsed backwards onto the hard tiled floor. I lay there and could see MIL and BIL staring at me thru the doorway (still sat at the table), FIL had run off into the garden. I rolled over and got onto my knees and called for DH and he came and helped me up. It took a few minutes for me to 'come round' but when I did I immediately confronted MIL and said "You saw him push me. Why is no one doing anything" and they all just looked down and then I said I was leaving and MIL chased me to the door saying "don't say anything, please don't, he can't help it and the dishwasher is brand new"

I immediately cut contact and have kept them at arms length since. I find them absolutely appalling people who lie, steal, manipulate and then attack anyone who confronts them. BIL and his son are both drug addicts.

Yes, I know, I know. I am an intelligent woman, why am I in this position.

Thank you all, really. This is incredibly helpful.

I feel like I am losing the plot or unravelling a bit.

Come on Bonnie hold it together.

You’re not unraveling, I promise

It’s just that you’ realising the enormity of what you’ve been through

So he’s like FIL then? “Don’t say anything and make sure you keep the peace”.....

@ohfourfoxache - classic "abuser handling" technique. DP spent years appeasing his EXW before he realised that there is no appeasement that is good enough for them.

No, it takes time to see clearly, it didn't get like this over night slowly he has become your "inferior", due probably to his parents & childhood, but even if he could analyse his behaviour & accept it was a highway to divorce, it is highly unlikely he would or could change.
He admires you & he despises you for being such a warrior. (after all isn't that his male role ?)
But I hope you told him to shove the birthday card where the sun doesn't shine, surely he can make it to the post box ?

He is a bit like him, but FIL is insane, he made DH life an utter misery growing up. He is fanatically religious, racist, misogynist, hates 'common' people, hates northerners etc. DH is chilled and tolerant and an atheist. As DH ages he seems to become more like both of them. MIL is very lazy, bitter, vicious if challenged, FIL very controlling and unpleasant. I am not living like this any more.

Op you said "I'm not living like this any more "

Make this your new mantra and hold yourself to that promise.

Is there anyone you can talk to IRL?

Oh God the FIL madness just makes me sound like a hysterical drama queen, but I am not.

Bonita, nothing in that story makes you sound like a drama queen at all, but your husband and his family may have convinced you that's what's happening here.

A grown man raging about the fact you was cleaning up, but not in the way he wanted (should've done it himself then) and running into you with his arms out to push you over onto a tiled floor, while heavily pregnant. I can't quite believe your husband would ever ask you to do anything involved with him ever again. Wow. And then the mother saying the dishwasher is brand new! Excusing away such behaviour.
I'm surprised your husband would have anything to do with them after that. What could've happened!

They all sound reprehensible to me.

Re the card, I sent a text that said
"I am at work now and don't have time. I have a lot on this week and your parents card isn't a priority. It was my dad's birthday last week so I just wrapped the gift and wrote the card from all of us and sent it."

He replied
"thank you for doing so much for us"

I can't talk to anyone in RL atm.

OP go on the holiday! You don't have to leave him today. This isn't the time. Settle yourself. The holiday sounds unreal!! Go, it will do you the world of good. It will give you a new perspective on things.

Play the long game. You are the head of the family. Deep down you know how to work it out. Don't take on everything at one time. Focus on yourself!!! You've just temporarily forgotten how amazing you are.

Enjoy the hols. Chat to lots of people, you sound gorgeous.

It will all work out in the end x

God that’s scary @blueangel1

How many times have we (perhaps all?) heard “don’t rock the boat”?

Bonita have you had a look at Coats’ threads? You might find them helpful x

Hes a precious hothouse flower, isnt he? You've been a support for him and hes leaned on that support and grown leggy and fragile towards the best light without a care in the world. Now you are trying to withdraw even just a bit of that support and hes flopping over all droopy and broken "oh HOW could you be so cruel?!!!" when the truth is that its HIS job to do the growing that enables someone to exist day-to-day with their own strength. Hes been pandered to and held up his whole life because hes a pretty flower, and has no interest in anything other than that continuing forever.

These people are like heat seeking missiles. Please make contact with Women's Aid. There are probably lots of other things he does which all point in the same direction of abuse. It's not easy getting out and so many of us stay in abusive relationships for any number of reasons.

You have described a cycle of abuse. I found this interesting. It describes my ex soooo well!!!