DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

Oh fuck

What happened Bonita?

Bonita - be extra kind to yourself. It takes time to work this pattern out and you are doing so well. Its so much easier to bury your head in the sand and keep on doing the same old thing.

You are taking in lots of info and this is hard. Imagine what you'd say to your best friend in the same situation and then be that best friend to yourself. You are so much more wise now than you were a month ago or a year ago. You will work it all out and there is no need to do anything right now other than be gentle with yourself. Hugs for you today.

Remember Frida is still there with you and waiting for when the time is right.

Hi, hope you don't mind me replying - your DH sounds very much like mine! It has taken me years of working with very small children to be able to see things from his POV; here is what I found and how to deal with my DH, it may help you:

After really looking at his behaviour and the patterns and triggers, I worked out that his anger issues and outbursts are down to very low self esteem, very little self awareness, little sense of belonging within his own family growing up. He has barely any example of how to conduct an every day give and take relationship. Conversations confuse him if they become extended and he very, very easily becomes heated if he can't understand what I am trying to say.

So, my method was to treat him and view him as if he was a small child. Yes, he is an adult and should behave like one but unfortunately he did not have good examples as a child and teenager as to how to deal with this.

When I realised I was actively shielding our DS from his behaviour, I also realised that DS was in danger of growing up the same.

With children, as practitioners we are trained to constantly give praise, filling up their self esteem "bank" as much as possible. I do this with DH. It doesn't help our cause that he is diabetic and on various tablets for anxiety etc.

Most of this I have achieved without him fully knowing. And to be brutal, he wouldn't understand the methods - because of his upbringing, his way of thinking is that children should be seen and not heard, are not individuals and do not need nurturing. It is little wonder he has become a confused child stuck in an adult's body.

I completely get what you say when you say you are exhausted, drained and sapped of energy. This was my constant state for years. I have done so many behind-the-scenes things to calm him down without realising - I have little buddha statues everywhere, calming pictures, ocean colours etc. I treat him literally as I would a child with ADHD who desperately needs an anchor and to be pointed in the right direction. It's absolutely exhausting and requires a lot of effort on your part. 90% of the time you'll be wondering why the heck you bother.

Yes, he should be an adult. But quite clearly he has barely any idea how to be an adult, or a father, or indeed a husband. I guess it is ultimately up to you whether you can deal with the uphill battle of trying to heal him, largely without his knowledge. It has to start with the first step, and unfortunately that has to come from you. He doesn't know how to take it. His "trying" will never work because he has no foundation of knowledge to start from. He is trying to please you like he no doubt tried to please his parents, who appear to have failed him entirely.

What’s happened? Are you ok? We’re all here when you want to talk

I hope you’re safe Bonita. You only half fell for the BS. You can do whatever you need to do; you’ve got this.

I treat him literally as I would a child with ADHD who desperately needs an anchor and to be pointed in the right direction. It's absolutely exhausting and requires a lot of effort on your part. 90% of the time you'll be wondering why the heck you bother.

SunflowerJo genuine question and not meaning to be goady, but why do you bother? I’m exhausted just reading your post and can’t imagine what positives you could get from a partnership with a ‘confused child stuck in an adult’s body’.

If you’re happy and it works for you then that’s great. But bonita, please don’t think that this kind of effort is just what’s expected of a wife to maintain a happy marriage. No offence meant, Jo, but this level of mothering and micromanagement of one’s partner’s emotions really isn’t necessary in most people’s relationships.

Hope you're ok Bonita

@SunflowerJo08 yes I also felt a wave of sadness reading your post.

Would you do it all again knowing what you know now?

It just sounds so devoid of joy

I'm ok. Yes Sunflower - this is how he is. Childlike, passive. But I have enabled him to become entitled and demanding.

In the grand scheme of things yesterday was not a big deal. Sorry, this is boring and long and utterly banal but it is what it is. We watched a comedian on Sunday night, and had a few drinks in the pub. I was literally amazed when he walked to the bar, ordered a drink I liked and paid for it. We got home, watched a bit of tv, went to bed. I was off work Monday and he starts work at 7 so he was crashing around the bedroom at 6.30am looking for his wallet and huffing and puffing. Then he left. He text me asking me to look for his wallet at 7am. I searched for 30 mins then realised the obvious - he's left it in the pub. I called and they had it, nothing missing. I text him and his attitude was 'I'd have gone there to look after work and no harm is done'. My attitude is 'you left all you bank cards (connected to mine) and drivers licence in the pub less than a week before we go on a holiday of a life time that I have saved for so long for.

I asked if he realised the implication of losing his wallet a few days before we go away and he just shrugged it off. Then when I was outside the swimming baths about to take DC in, I get a call from the credit card company questioning transactions. I called DH and yes, he has collected his wallet and decided that now is the time for some last minute clothes shopping on websites he has never used before. I firmly asked him to think about his behaviour and it's impact on me. I was furious by this point. After going thru all the credit card security to resolve his fuck ups I get in the pool 45 mins after DC.

On the way home from swimming I get a texted shopping list of things he needs to cook tea. He has passed the shops on the way home from work.

When I get home he has spent time buying and writing a card for his parents (pls bare in mind FIL assaulted me when I was pregnant). I am asked to sign it, which I do. This morning on my way to work at 8am (I have been up since 6am and fed animals/mucked out/made breakfast for me and DC, sorted them and got to work on time - yeeeeaaaahhh go me!) I get a text asking me to turn back and get the card and post it.

No, just no. I don't know why but this is the proverbial straw. I feel so fucking angry.

Thank you for all your help, I am so grateful.

Ahhh bonita. I'm so sorry.

He hates you and resents your success and is doing everything he can to slow you down by creating chaos in your life. But he's now being so subtle that none of it will be his fault somehow.

So he won't rage and scream and swear. But like an overgrown toddler he will get under your feet and make your life harder so you have to waste time effort and possibly money to correct his mistakes and use up whatever shred of patience you have left. And when you lose patience he will be hurt and accuse you of being unsupportive and how could you do this to him he's trying so so so hard omg you have no idea....

This is how life could be from now. Or you could be free!!!!

C'mooooon bonita. Don't be his fool.
You know what to do.

That sounds exhausting

I don't think my last post makes much sense.

I have realised he thinks it is my job to make his life good. He stood next to me when we were sorting things out for holiday saying 'how many socks do I need' but with EVERYTHING. I asked him to organise 1 thing - airport parking. He hasn't done it. I have organised everything else (it is a 5 stop trip in a developing country so quite an organisational challenge).

So many pennies dropping.

I feel so so so cross.

I keep remembering annoying things. The way he looks so fucking surprised when the kids open their xmas presents, the way he hopped in the front seat of a light aircraft I had so carefully saved and arranged a flight over an area of significance for me. But he hopped in teh front seat without a backward glance or thought.

I'm ranting, I am sorry. I feel so fucking furious.

I need to get thru this holiday. I will damage my relationship with DC to not let him come. I need to suck up one last holiday and then move on. I cannot cope.

I love him so much, he is all I know and I don't want anyone else. I know this anger is masking utter heartbreak. I think it is all my fault. I shouldn't have let this happen. Sorry

When I lost my rag this morning DD overheard and then was all teary eyed and said "daddies so nice mum, don't be mean" :(

I've just read you thread, and I'm so, so sorry you've got this man as a husband.

I've many thoughts, but firstly, your FIL assaulted you while you was pregnant? What on Earth happened there?

You are being subjected to many abuses and I really hope you do get out eventually.

Your holiday, I'm sorry to say, I doubt you will enjoy with him. He will most likely ruin it as he'll feel inferior and sabotage it as it's something that will bring you joy. You'll also then resent him being there, or always be on edge that he might do something to upset you all, or you'll be worried you do something that will set him off. But the dream holiday is most likely not to be a dream at all.

Oh please dear god. No. Don't let him go on the holiday with you and dc. He will ruin it for you all. Guaranteed

Daddy is nice but he needs to be able to organise his own things.

Hi guys, I know it does sound ridiculous on paper but the other side of him is pretty much 'there', it's just anything to do with emotions or feelings that he finds very difficult, not in an uncaring way but because he just doesn't have the emotional toolkit to know what to do. It has definitely had an impact on me, but I'm not without my own faults so I have tried to heal myself along the way. It has been seriously hard, but yes, I would do it again as I know we are worth fighting for, and the point where we are at now, he knows it too.

Bonita it's no wonder that you feel let down at things like that, driving past the shops and so on. You are carrying every single part of the mental load, for your entire family. And I massively feel for you. Aside of everything else I have said, he needs to be helping to meet the basic needs of his family and you should be able to leave him to provide for HIS children. These are non-negotiables really. He isn't thinking about the affect that his behaviour has on you, possibly because he literally has no idea. Both DH and I had to confront this a while ago. Could you perhaps talk to him about things like empathy and consideration? DH actually asked what empathy meant as he had no idea. The problem is how to go about even bringing up these kind of subjects, when you feel at breaking point.

SunflowerJo, I'm sorry to say, but you are just enabling your partners awful behaviour.

I'm a survivor of many childhood abuses and was raised by toxic people in a very toxic house. I do not lay that crap on anybody else, and I sure as hell don't want for someone to treat me as a child.

Your exhausting yourself for, as you admit, little payback as you wonder 90% of the time why you bother.

And can I ask that if treating him like a small child involves hiding all conflict, sadness, and any stressors of real adult life?

OP, I wouldn't suggest that approach in any way.

Just adding also that if you do have the option to leave him at home as such for the holiday, I would do it. We have horrendous issues on holiday. I have packed a suitcase and dragged it through the fields of Devon before now. Every holiday I know it's coming. In the end we both worked out (and again it requires gentle, child like talking, sigh!) that it is because he is so bored without his daily routine - like your DH he is very creative and constantly fixing and tinkering with things. He works in skilled labour and is always driving. He can't sit still, and the Devil makes work for idle hands.

If it's possible, leave him behind as you'll desperately appreciate the space.

Just adding also that if you do have the option to leave him at home as such for the holiday, I would do it. We have horrendous issues on holiday. I have packed a suitcase and dragged it through the fields of Devon before now. Every holiday I know it's coming

Sunflower, you deserve so much more. I'm sorry.

I don't want to leave him at home for 3 reasons.

1. DC will be VERY upset. He is a exceptional 'children's entertainer' on holiday. He will play all day, he attracts crowds of local kids to join in. Full refereed soccer matches 11 a side with subs, a referee and linesman are not unknown.
2. we are working on an educational project when we are away. It is something that I have been asked to do by a dear friend and it is a struggle without him to assist me.
3. The country is quite dangerous and it is a safety concern for me with very naive DC. He is a huge strong man which helps in this situation.

I am listening. I understand what you are saying. I agree with you all. I feel so stressed, he has me trapped and you are all so much smarter than me.

I feel stressed, embarrassed and so so sad. :(

How can a 45YO think he can have a holiday without making any arrangements?

I know I am ranting. I feel like I'm in a weird Sci Fi film with the last 25 years flashing before my eyes slightly different to how I remember it....

I once booked a short break in Budapest and as we were leaving in a taxi to the airport he turned to me and said:

"It's so beautiful isn't it, so beautiful, I didn't think Prague would be like this"

He literally didn't know where we were. I found it sweet and funny. I am a prize dickhead.

Whatever you feel op, don't feel embarrassed. You're doing your best in the circumstances. You're being very brave and wise.

Xx