DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

Your life sounds exhausting OP.

And it doesn't matter how handsome your so called DH is or how many things he fixes if he's a bloody abusive arsehole to live with. You can't change him. He will always be an abuser. This is not good for you and very damaging for your children growing up with this toxic individual. You should leave him for their sakes if not yours.

I understand that anger completely, Bonita.

My ex was the same when it came to holidays. Every year we went on a trip which was for his hobby, and every year I organised every bloody detail. The first year I decided to give him a ‘job’ so I asked him to look up trains from the airport to our final destination. He agreed. As the trip got closer and closer I kept gently asking if he’d looked yet and wondering how we were going to get there. He’d just reply ‘yeah yeah I will, don’t worry’. Eventually it was about 2 days to go and i asked ‘look, do you just want me to do it?’ And he immediately said ‘yes please, you’re just so much better at these things!’

Then there was the time he was visiting a different UK city with his mate and he called me at home to ask me to look up a bus route for him.

Then there was the time he was flying over to join me on a visit to my family and he asked me to check him in for his flight and email him a PDF of his boarding pass because he didn’t know how to do it.

We used to laugh at how rubbish and disorganised he was, but now it make me furious. Because guess what? A few months after we broke up he decided to spontaneously jet off on a big long-haul trip all on his own to see a band he liked. All his ‘I don’t know how to do it and you’re so much better at it’ was just nonsense. It was just easier for him to treat me as his PA.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, too. As well as the travel stuff there were all the parcels I took to the post office for him, all the meals he offered that I’d cook for random friends and visitors of his, all the presents that I chose and wrapped for his family, all my days off that he saw as ‘great, that means you’ll have time to do XYZ for me’.

I once went away for 6 months for work and came back in the middle for a week or so of holiday. I spent most of that time, which should have been a wonderful time of relaxing and catching up with friends, cleaning our utter pigsty of a flat. I had been away for three months and he had not only not washed the sheets once, he had actually been sleeping under a bare duvet for all that time because he couldn’t be bothered to put it on. Fucking disgusting pig

You know he's aggressive and controlling. Continue to call it out. He sounds miserable. Suggests he might be happier if he fucked off and didn't come back. Your kids sound awesome btw. Their diligence is possibly driven by fear though, for which he shod be thoroughly ashamed.

@lisasimpson I bet it feels good to get it get it off your chest. He does sound absolutely vile.

Yes apologies Bonita, didn’t mean to hijack! Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone, I (and many others) totally know that feeling!

Sounds like he's never grown up, maybe his disfunctional childhood has kept him stuck. He's needing you to organise everything and then resenting you for it.

Bonita, you might like this cartoon explanation of the 'mental load', if you've r already seem it.

I don't know if someone has already suggested this OP but it sounds like depression. My father went through it for years and we were none the wiser just thought he was a grumpy argumentative shit and we all hated being around him. He is a lot better now and I actually enjoy spending time with him. I could be totally wrong, it just sounds all too familiar.

bonita I'm at the end of a long line of very intelligent, kind and sensitive commentators so not a great deal to add that hasn't already been said.

I just wanted to say what really stands out to me is how intelligent, competent and capable you are and how vastly you under-appreciate your own worth (and I speak as someone who's had years of counselling to deal with similar self-worth issues. Against extremely tough odds you've thrived both in your career as a mother, all with this constant drip of negativity from your husband, which is deliberately done to undermine you.

For what its worth I was in a similar marriage (we have been separated three years). I was and remain the breadwinner and my H had similar resentment at my intelligence and competence and now spends his time trying to find ever more creative ways to throw spanners in my independence and self-esteem from the sidelines. It was easier for me as my daughter was tiny when we separated. It's never easy leaving a marriage and has been traumatic in certain ways but I have not regretted it for a moment. I and my daughter are immeasurably happier without him living with us. My daughter has a good relationship with him and is a happy and well-balanced child.

No-one other than you can decide what to do. Personally I have no doubt that your life and that of your DCs would soar without him and you would feel as if a millstone has been lifted from your lives. But ultimately its your choice.

But please know that you are worth so much more than this. It's an absolute tragedy that someone as competent, clever, kind and empathetic as you is bogged down in this quagmire of constantly tending to someone else's dependent insecurities. I would ask you to think about how much more you can achieve, for yourself and your children, over the next 40 years, without having someone whose primary goal seems to be to enmesh you in his own bitterness, insecurity and inertia.

Whatever you do, please be kind to yourself, stop beating yourself up about being annoying (you are not) or selfish (you are not), and do what is right for you. Good luck.

Bonita I know women in your position .
I am one too.
We are here because of our worth and not in spite of it .
We are not phD holders , business women , intellectuals , independent , fierce , loving , reasonable , compassionate women .
We aren't idiots .
We were fooled because of our own inability to be callous and therefore foresee it in others.

We are , not we are not ! Too tired too type accurately now , but don't be hard on yourself

Stormreaders post: Hes a precious hothouse flower, isnt he? You've been a support for him and hes leaned on that support and grown leggy and fragile towards the best light without a care in the world. Now you are trying to withdraw even just a bit of that support and hes flopping over all droopy and broken "oh HOW could you be so cruel?!!!" when the truth is that its HIS job to do the growing that enables someone to exist day-to-day with their own strength. Hes been pandered to and held up his whole life because hes a pretty flower, and has no interest in anything other than that continuing forever.

excellent analogy. and probably exact.

Please also consider that if you believe your H to have narcissistic traits these usually get much worse as they age. It sounds like FIL is clear evidence of this.

It was great that you picked up on the card - such a small thing in itself - but the tip of the iceberg of his normal behaviour towards you. You handled that really well. You are coming to understand his behaviour pattern which is common with his personality type:- he can be the 'perfect' man (the one you fell in love with) only when he fears he is losing you or when he feels he hasn't 'got' you. (like at the beginning of a relationship when these men are so charming).

At all other times - when he feels 'safe' he'll just revert to you (and the DC) being his hand maiden.

It takes much courage to see the truth. Be really kind whilst you go through this adventure of discovery. It's vital to be loving to yourself whilst you do this - just be a 'watcher' of the patterns that occur between you. Be Frida looking at your life from a safe distance. This is the time to gather information and eventually you will be in a good place where you can work out what you'd like to do next.

Honestly
He is not going to improve with age is he?
I would start mentally sketching out a realistic exit plan.

I agree with timeisslipingaway that it sounds like depression. I don't know if that's any use to you and if he would go to the doctors for medical help though?

I think that it is depression that over many years has manifested itself as extreme selfishness. He sees it as self preservation, I think.

Last night I asked him to find a fob for the burglar alarm - to leave with a friend who is tending my animals. He huffed and puffed and swore and made a huge scene. Meanwhile I did the on line check in, ordered all the extra bits and bobs we need, organised the airport transfers etc all without any word. I am utterly sick of it.

Lisa sums it up when she says she gave him jobs to do. That is what I do, hand out a few small insignificant jobs that aren't important in the grand scheme of things. He then doesn't do them and creates a huge fuss at the last minute, derailing all my plans and causing huge stress.

Christmas he ALWAYS has to spend at least 1 full day at the shops, usually 23/24 Dec when I have a lot on. He has done this despite me telling him the stress it causes. He also complains that I buy DC presents in November and 'take over' although he point blank refuses to discuss it.

Birthdays - he spends the week of DC birthday drawing them a wonderful card. They are absolutely wonderful - art works - beautiful and personal. They collect them and love them. But it always has to be done the week of the birthday, involving moaning, complaining, a huge fuss and staying up all night to finish. I point out that he has known it is coming for 12 months but that is 'unkind' and 'destroys him'.

I feel so sad and angry and confused.

Thanks everyone for the advice and help. You understand in a way that no one else can. He is such hard work. I am exhausted.

I have suffered with very severe depression on and off for years but I have always sought help, never expected DH to sort it etc.

Don't be a martyr, don't teach that to your DC.

Quite a lot of what you are saying, and how insular and self-absorbed he is, really is shouting 'Asperger's' at me. Sorry if I have missed it, but has he had any kind of assessment? He seems utterly obsessed, and this must crowd his brain and drown out any kind of reality or practical thoughts.

Again, sorry if I have missed but where are your own parents/family in this? As someone else has said, you need an exit plan. You cannot realistically continue to live with someone whose brain is set up to only include himself, it's not possible. The anger and so on are things that can be worked through, in ways that I suggested in my first reply to you, but from the extra details you have added I really feel he needs an assessment. A friend of mine was driven to hell and back by the actions of her husband, turns out he was undiagnosed Asperger's. I really think this may need to be your direction of thinking.

I don't have any family support at all. I am estranged from my F due to him assaulting me years ago, DM is remarried to a wealthy man and lives abroad. DM had us from age 17 and had a lot of DC with my very controlling and violent F. She needs to rest and have self care and that is what she does. It is hard to have no support but I understand her position.

I feel totally alone suddenly.

'DH is chilled and tolerant'
No he isn't. He is horrible- angry, explosive, a scene-maker, manipulative, controlling, intolerant of anything/anyone he does not have control over that upsets him.

Your children, who sound lovely, told you you shouldn't have said what you did because they have already learned it is 'your fault' their father behaves as he does and if only you behaved differently, he wouldn't be angry and cause rows and upset. You do know that don't you?

You say he has "gone teetotal" but tbh given the history of alcohol issues I'd be suspecting secret drinking.

My DH (recovering alcoholic) has a history of anger issues caused by feeling inferior (like you I have always been the main wage earner), but with the benefit of hindsight I now think that 99% of the time he was making himself and me miserable due to self-esteem issues, the real issue was alcohol.

You should get a little book and start writing lists of things you are going to enjoy in the future- the lead up to a holiday with no dead weight and last minute stress. Evenings the entire week before each of the dcs birthday where he is not there huffing over his amazing card. Christmas Eve. No contact With fil ever again. Celebrating your fabulous dc’s achievements. It will be a long list! For the holiday, think about how you could send him home/ travel on without him halfway through. At least you can sound concrete and realistic when you say you want him to leave if he can’t up his game and get nice him back for another day or two.

I just feel utterly exhausted. I made an appointment to have my legs waxed pre hols but am going to have to cancel it because I have too much to do, I can't even find 1 hour for myself. :(

It's not fair. I asked him to get a gift for the 2 teenage sons of a friend of mine, they re sports mad and I mentioned they are Man Utd fans. It seems that me saying
"Would you be able to get something for boys, something like a football shirt or ball, they like MUFC"
has turned into him spending every lunchtime this week visiting various sports shops to price and compare shirts. Then texting me with all the prices and ranting that he cannot afford a football shirt, why are we spending so much. He has 3 football shirts. DS has 2. I don't care what we give these boys really - but we will not turn up empty handed, they are lovely, they are poor, they are humble they will be grateful for what we give. If he'd come home with 2 footballs and a pump a few weeks ago I would have been delighted and he would have been the hero. Now I am so pissed off. I can guarantee that he will be shopping after work tomorrow (buying himself some holiday treats in the process) for these gifts and then will arrive home in a foul mood complaining bitterly about all the things he has to do. Those things being pack his own hand luggage.

I have purchased and wrapped 13 gifts for hosts and friends children. he does not know what is in the parcels. I will go on holiday with hairy legs and shave them in the sink of our first hosts house.

This is not fair. I feel so sad. I wish I didn't realise. I don't know how to cope.

I really appreciate the support and feel sad and sorry about everything. I feel so weak and alone. Being happy, being strong - it's what's kept me going since I was terrified of my F my whole childhood, I can't crumble. I am really really scared of how I feel. I am sorry.

Thank you

Just get through it, try not to hang on to the angry thoughts or you won't be able to enjoy yourself. You've put up with it for so long and this is a holiday for you and the children to enjoy.
Put it away until you get back, then kick him out and then he can shop and paint when he wants and it won't matter to you.
Have a lovely time!

To help cope consider downloading 'from stress to stillness' by gina lake - read a sentence every time you feel things are too much for you.

What you are going through is a normal part of the process. Take it one step at a time. You don't have to be the all singing all dancing perfect woman. You are worthy of love just as you are - without doing anything. It's never about what you do - its about who you are. It's ok to sit and do nothing sometimes. Just let it all go for 5 minutes. The world will not end.

Remember too that whenever we feel very strong overwhelming emotions 90% of these are actually connected to our past and not our present. Holidays are alway trigger times too.

When you feel the most pressured to do is when you need to have the strength to say NO - and just sit for 5 minutes - give yourself some time because you certainly deserve it.