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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anonymous letter

275 replies

Summertime54 · 21/07/2018 22:22

I have received an anonymous letter through the post. It was addressed incorrectly but the letter stated that my partner is having an affair and that they didn't want me to be the last to find out about it. Where do I start with this? Believe it and investigate further? Ignore it? Confront him? Any advice would be appreciated Smile

OP posts:
notthisagain83 · 01/08/2018 11:30

Op your post has made me want to cry for you.

This man is emotionally and physically abusing you and it is NOT normal behaviour and you do not need to put up with it.

Please do not let your children be around this man with them growing up thinking that the way he behaves towards you is acceptable.

Please contact womens aid. If you can take recordings on your phone (even if its just voice recordings).

I know it will not be easy for you but i promise you it will be a hell of a lot easy than living the way you are living for the foreseeable future.

Thebluedog · 01/08/2018 11:40

There’s no ‘maybe’ about it, you definitely need the police involved.

Why would you put up with him kicking your door in? If a stranger did it you’d have no problems calling the police. You let him live there because it’s your house, YOURS! Not his!! Change the locks today, bag his stuff up and call the police

Lightsong · 01/08/2018 11:57

OP, I never normally comment on posts in Relationships but please, please get some help to get rid of this man. I am actually really worried for you and your DC reading this.

Goandplay · 01/08/2018 12:02

There was an excellent post on here a while ago. Basically the OP felt that her relationship had come to an end and she was stuck in manipulative relationship. She gave her ex partner notice to leave. Called the police to tell them he may become aggressive/coercive. They logged the issue. On the day he was due to leave they visited the property and waited outside the property. They also called the man and told him not to contact her in future unless it was to collect items. They were very supportive. You should report the incidents at the very least for the future if required.

LannieDuck · 01/08/2018 12:06

OP, he's violent. He's physically held you against a wall, threatened to hurt you, and kicked the door hard enough that it's damaged.

And you have children in the house.

If you don't want to call the police for your own sake, do it for theirs. They've already seen Daddy shouting at Mummy. How long before they see Daddy hitting Mummy? Or before he starts shouting at them?

They don't have to live like this. Call the police and kick him out (I think it's your house? which makes it easy). What happens after that, you can navigate with support from Women's Aid.

WillowRose79 · 01/08/2018 12:45

The first thing I would do is ask my DH- Do you trust him? If he has or hasn't cheated you need to find out who sent this because someone's screwing with you x

WillowRose79 · 01/08/2018 12:50

Oh I'm sorry- was rush reading, just read abit more. From what you've said he's accusing you of cheating and won't let you near his phone or drop him off at work anymore it does sound like he's cheating. I'm sorry- what a prick

Original poster
Summertime54 · 01/08/2018 13:27

So he's totally taking the piss out of me, hes just called me at work to ask me to bring an envelop back because he had to post a letter. Asked him who to and he said none of my business. Think I should be honest about everything now thats happened over the years and how much I've let him get away with, really going to try and speak with someone today after work. Thank you for the honesty and advice it really has been appriciated x

OP posts:
Guest2025 · 01/08/2018 13:58

Come one summertime you can do this.
The police might sound OTT but you attempted to throw an abusive man out and he forced his way back in. You are practically being held captive by this man. It is a police issue.

HazelBite · 01/08/2018 14:14

Op I have been following this thread and I am appalled at the way you are being treated by him.
He is literally wiping his feet on you, and as this behaviour has been gradually gathering momentum over the years you have probably not recognised how bad his treatment is.
You are not his servant, landlady, or whipping boy, you deaerve so much better, he has no right to live in your house, just remember that!

JudIII · 01/08/2018 14:36

Please get rid of this complete asshole. All the delay will just make the problem worse. I hope you're okay Flowers

Original poster
Summertime54 · 01/08/2018 18:18

Thanks, I think things have been going on for a long time. This whole letter thing and because he's shifted it all on to me I am starting to realise that because I'm not doing everything for him all the time now he doesn't like it and he can be really happy one minute and not the next, such hard work. I don't have evidence of things if I report it, like when he has been physical in the past, he's never hit me it's only like grabbing or pushing me over or trying to scare me pinning me up against wall by my neck etc. It's all more to shock me than anything I think so I give in. I just never wanted to bring it up as I felt guilty. I am an idiot. Thanks all, hopefully be sorted soon x

OP posts:
Ariclock · 01/08/2018 18:30

Call the police op please, let them know what's going on and call them when he next starts to kick the door down. Don't open the door this time, if you can't do it for yourself then do it for your kids Flowers

LannieDuck · 01/08/2018 18:30

it's only...pinning me up against wall by my neck

Holy cr*p, OP. There's no 'only' about that. It doesn't happen in a normal relationship.

LaLaLongwhiskers · 01/08/2018 18:43

How much more are you going to take from this monster, OP? What will be your tipping point? Him physically hurting you - or physically hurting the kids? Please, please throw him out or leave him. I know it must be so hard but you deserve to be with someone who doesn't treat you like shit. He thinks you're so brow beaten you won't do stand up to him - it's time to show him you're not the pushover he thinks you are. Good luck. Flowers

HazelBite · 01/08/2018 19:32

OP whether he's violent or not is really incidental, you do not want him ling in YOUR house providing his posessions are available to him (preferably in bin bags outside) he has no right in your home, you have told him to go so kicking your door and damaging it is criminal damge and probably a each of the peace. A trip to your locl cop shop for advice is a good idea.

cestlavielife · 01/08/2018 23:01

Call police
Show damage

-He said he would kick the door down, started kicking it. If I'd have called police he would have been in so I just ended up letting him back in and taking the crap (definitely need a new door)'

That is exactly when you call 999 and say my ex is kicking the door in. They will come and if he breaks it and gets in they will catch him in the act.

Just call 999 nx time. Because There will be a nx time.

For now call 101 report and take photos

BunsOfAnarchy · 02/08/2018 08:37

OP its really difficult and triggering reading this thread.

Please please please phone the police. Tell them he threatens you. Tell them he was trying to break the door down and you had to let him in because you were frightened of his threats. Let them read this thread if u have to.

Its killing me reading this. OP do NOT become another statistic. Every day you stay with this man, you are showing your children that being treated like this is acceptable.

Original poster
Summertime54 · 02/08/2018 09:16

😢 I know. I didn't end up going away because of everything and was planning to go today. Since I got in yesterday he's been lovely and that's what makes me think I've made each situation into something it's not. Even the whole letter thing I would never of stood for.

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 02/08/2018 09:25

If you think you have made situations into something they’re not you’re wrong.

Read everyone’s comments to find out what people who know about health relationships and people who have experienced similar abuse are telling you.

You really aren’t safe with him. You need to take the next opportunity to lock him out and this time call 999 if he tries to get back in. He’s only putting on the nice act to confuse you and because he realises how close he was to you going through with removing him from your life. It won’t last sweetheart. It’s just an act.

Please trust posters here. We are fearful for your safety with good reason. Call the police non-emergency line to talk through why you made the instant decision you did when he tried to kick the door down and ask for their help. Make sure they know how violent he got when faced with your decision to lock him out. It was violence, even though it wasn’t to a person.

Pashazade · 02/08/2018 09:25

You haven't made this stuff sound worse than it is. It has happened. Read your thread again. You don't have to continue this way. He is in the wrong. You can do this. Thanks

Wanderlusting99 · 02/08/2018 09:49

If abusers were horrendous all the time their victim would leave or be dead. It's calculated, he knows how much you'll take and afterwards will be such a delight, so normal that you wonder if you exaggerated it, or maybe that was the last time etc. Ever realize why no one on these threads comes on and says 'my husband used to be an abusive prick but one day he just stopped and we've been blissfully happy for 20 years'? They don't stop.

Anonymous letter
KinkyAfro · 02/08/2018 09:51

You need to get him out and you need to do it now, if not for your sake then for your kids. It's your house, get the locks changed when he's out, dump his shit and call the police when he turns out.

Please don't subject your kids to this

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/08/2018 10:14

Summertime54 you need to stop minimising this and take it seriously.

You and your children are at risk and in danger.

Please, please take everyone's advice on here and log this with the police on 101.

Be brave. Your children will thank you for it one day (and you'll still be alive to hear it).

cestlavielife · 02/08/2018 14:59

Bullies are nice sometimes. It is how they work. It doesn't make the nasty bit ok.
Please report to police Show them.the broken door.

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