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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anonymous letter

275 replies

Summertime54 · 21/07/2018 22:22

I have received an anonymous letter through the post. It was addressed incorrectly but the letter stated that my partner is having an affair and that they didn't want me to be the last to find out about it. Where do I start with this? Believe it and investigate further? Ignore it? Confront him? Any advice would be appreciated Smile

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 25/07/2018 21:42

@Summertime54 I don’t think it’s because of the ow or you thinking you’ve let things slide, I think he is just a prick and a horrible one at that. His behaviour is aggressive and it is worrying . Honestly I don’t think you are making it sound worse than what it is , I think you’ve perhaps started to deem his behaviour as normal , it really isn’t OP.

I think you should get him out asap and worry about your children’s party later. At the end of the day , he has done this , not you. You are not in any way at fault or responsible for his actions . Please remember this xxx

Upsidedownpineapplecake · 25/07/2018 21:47

I don't think you have made it sound worse. It sounds horrible. If I witnessed someone being shouted at in public I would be very concerned about them
You don't deserve to be treated that way. Please take that on board

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 25/07/2018 21:54

And to be honest , you are taking him to work (which is extremely nice of you given the situation, ) go and buy him food (again something nice) and he shouts at you? Who on earth does he think he is ? Would he be doing this for you if he found out that you had been unfaithful OP.

I suspect he is emotionally abusing you and has been for a very long time. I think you should look into the freedom programme , but first I really think you need to get him out of your house and see a solicitor pronto so you can understand what your entitled to.
Life has just so much more to offer you than this xx

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 25/07/2018 22:05

Have a read op , I think you may see a fair few of your partners behaviours here:

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

Xx

Cawfee · 26/07/2018 03:59

You are taking him to work, buying him food from the shop, he’s shouting at you, he’s having an affair....read all of that back!!

What are you doing??!!
Get rid! He’s an abuser and a user. Do not let him come to your family thing this weekend. You’ve been passive long enough. Tell him to pack his bags and leave.

CraftyNestUK · 26/07/2018 04:30

I’m so very sorry for you OP. Please do contact one of the agencies as suggested. He is being emotionally abusive to you to wear you down. You have done nothing wrong. This is all him.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/07/2018 05:53

Even if he wasn't having an affair (he is!) he sounds vile anyway.

HarshingMyMellow · 26/07/2018 06:38

@Summertime54 I mean this in the nicest, most caring way possible. Find your backbone!!

Stop taking him to work, stop buying him food, stop doing everything that involves him.
Change the locks on your home and sling him out!

That's all you have to do.
If he starts creating, call the police. It's your house, he has no say in it whatsoever. He has no where to go? Tough. Shouldn't of been a lying, cheating, abusive cunt.

I know it's difficult after you've invested so much time into a person, but he isn't the same person now. Please, please do not tolerate his shit for a second longer.
Call a locksmith whilst he's at work, throw all his stuff onto the street and be done with it.

Take the control back.

Original poster
Summertime54 · 26/07/2018 13:55

Well after a little cry and a huge reality check...and all your lovely comments I can see that I've been taken for for a fool and completely fell for all of it. Even now I'm thinking of leaving I feel guilty for him, I can't even understand why. He is having a fucking affair and I feel sorry for him. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Summertime54 · 26/07/2018 13:57

When I say leaving I mean kicking him out!

OP posts:
HarshingMyMellow · 26/07/2018 14:32

@Summertime54 you've been conditioned by that prick to feel guilty for doing something for yourself.

You are worth so much more.
I think the quote is 'know your worth, then add tax'

Don't let him steal another second of your time.
Kick him out, get the locks changed and (if he starts creating) call the police.

Thanks and Wine for you. X

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/07/2018 14:38

Oh thank god you've seen the light. I was about to post asking why you are putting up with this crap. Ask your family for help kicking him out if you need to. Good luck! Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 26/07/2018 14:52

Do you think this is because of the other woman or maybe I've just let things slide way too much over years?!
A bit of both.
You know about the affair and you are still putting up with this shit so he thinks he can do as he pleases.
And you've put up with this abuse for ages with no consequences for him at all so why wouldn't he continue?
He gets what he wants.
He lives with you. Shags other women. Has you running around after him, even after everything he's done.

I really hope you mean that you will kick him out.
Do it now! While he is out.
Pack up his shit and tell him not to come back.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/07/2018 20:20

How are you OP? Hope you’re ok? Remember you don’t owe him anything especially after his behaviour, if he starts kicking off just call the police! Have you got any brothers that can assist with his removal?

Thinking of you! Xx

Original poster
Summertime54 · 27/07/2018 07:07

@fuckitpassmethewine thanks for asking Im ok but finding it harder than I though to be honest. Unfortunatley I don't have any brothers. He's being lovely at min and I was really ill yesterday so needed help with the kids. I'm just not the same confident person I was, I don't want to go on about it because I know only I can fix this but Im just worried that when I have the baby I'm going to be really stuck because I'm having to give up work and if he moves I bet he won't pay a penny. I see now that things he does aren't right especially with this whole letter situation and I guess he could just drop me at any time anyway. Am I wrong to let him stay for a while just for the security?!x

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 27/07/2018 07:17

But be doesn’t give you security? Confused

WellThisIsShit · 27/07/2018 08:14

He sounds awful, and really scary with all the aggression. I hope you manage to pluck up courage to get rid of him....

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 27/07/2018 08:23

I think that if you don’t remove him from your life now you will probably regret it. How many months pregnant are you?

The house is yours at the end of the day and you’ll be entitled to benefits so it may be worth figuring out what you would be entitled to if you get rid of him (and he doesn’t pay) :
:www.entitledto.co.uk/

He is emotionally abusing you OP and now he knows that you’re probably not going to kick him out so he will just continue to have affairs. Sad I think you really need to think what is best for you long term and your children (who are witnessing how he talks to you) xx

5LeafClover · 27/07/2018 17:47

It's a cycle...that's why women don't leave. The abuse leaves you stunned and unable to act because your confidence is damaged then as they deny, refuse to go and go into charm mode and the days go by you become more confused as to how bad it was...and why you need it to stop...and anyway maybe that's the last time. Except it never is the last time. I'm sorry but the stats on this are clear...the chances are it will get worse for you as you become more vulnerable, not better. He has done enough for you to end the relationship now if you want to...you don't need more evidence. Try to talk to someone in real life if you can, even if they live a long way away.

Original poster
Summertime54 · 28/07/2018 07:54

I'm so rubbish, I just can't even bring myself to kick him out. I don't even know who this person is anymore 😢! I'm only early on in pregnancy but basically last night he noticed bruises on my arm he said that it was a coincidence that they have appeared and that I keep disappearing off. So he was saying that the baby wouldn't be his etc. He had me up by the wall and literally snapped his teeth by my face, so I said what the hell are you doing and he said he had to stop himself from biting me because I'd annoyed him so much but it was better than a punch so I should be greatful. How can someone change so much? I say that and I've also changed so much because im allowing this to happen. Going to go away next week anyway so at least I'll have some space to decided what to do. The cycle make sense, things happen then I don't see that it was bad enough to mention so just let it go. Hopefully get something sorted now thanks x

OP posts:
GreatStuffWorks · 28/07/2018 08:03

Please please phone women's aid and or the police. Women's aid may not answer but leave a message and tell them when you will be alone. They will not talk to you with him in the house. These are his true colours.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/07/2018 08:36

Wow, OP. This is quickly escalating. The fact that you’re pregnant gives him more power over you in his eyes. Have the bruises photographed by a friend and see a GP so they make a note on your file.

Original poster
Summertime54 · 28/07/2018 08:45

Sorry think I've just threw everything into a post and not made sense the I have no idea where the bruises have come from. He said that it seems suspicious and that I must be seeing someone else and thats how the argument started 🙄! He didn't actually hurt me just got in my face. But yes this has all come about because of this letter and because everytime I've mentioned it I'm the one cheating. 😢.

OP posts:
Backtoblack1 · 28/07/2018 09:35

Omg, that is terrible OP. Is he on drugs or something? Or drink? That is not normal behaviour. You are the innocent one here. I’m afraid he is never going to change - one day he will bite/punch you. You are extremely vulnerable and it’s obvious that he has weakened you and worn you down over time. He is definitely projecting his guilt onto you and using anything he can (your bruises) to deflect from his own actions. I feel so sorry for you x

AlwaysSleepy1 · 28/07/2018 09:35

Please speak to women's aid you are not safe with this man.. I think your life, your dcs life and unborn child would be better without him. if you are worried about finances if you kick.him out speak to
CAB or housing at your local council they usually offer support even temporarily even if it's a mortgaged property. Please tell your family what is happening so they can support you xx