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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anonymous letter

275 replies

Summertime54 · 21/07/2018 22:22

I have received an anonymous letter through the post. It was addressed incorrectly but the letter stated that my partner is having an affair and that they didn't want me to be the last to find out about it. Where do I start with this? Believe it and investigate further? Ignore it? Confront him? Any advice would be appreciated Smile

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 24/07/2018 19:38

This is also a good website op :

www.chumplady.com/2012/05/what-not-to-do/

user1497991628 · 24/07/2018 23:40

Is it his writing?

It seems highly unlikely a woman would write to him in Polish unless it was a plan for secret communication.

Someone has told you what’s going on.

He’s been grumpy and dismissive and blaming you. The Script.

He’s been on dating sites. “Messages” other women...

It’s shit. But not really room for doubt. My heartfelt advice is chuck him out now and end it before more of your life is destroyed.

Original poster
Summertime54 · 25/07/2018 08:27

Thanks @swingofthings yes sadly this does sound like a plausible theory of what is going on. @fuckitpassmethewine thanks for the link. I asked him to leave last night and his response was 'make me' so I duno how this is going to go. Hes woken up in a bad mood because of that and is just completely taking it out in me now, I moved car seat back yesterday, he said 'who has been in your car's, I'm a dickhead, little sl*t etc etc. Hes been like this on occasions before but never as bad as this. All because he's been found out and I'm getting crap for that?! I've got a family party this weekend and then meant to be taking DC away with him next week. Just don't think I can do it!! Really appreciate all the comments, just getting some different options really puts things into perspective x

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 25/07/2018 09:04

If youre not married, he leaves. He gets a couple days max to prep then change the locks.
Your family do - he doesn’t go. His family do - you don’t go.

CitySnicker · 25/07/2018 09:04

He sounds like a bully. Get rid.

CitySnicker · 25/07/2018 09:06

Sod the holiday. Is it booked and paid for? Passports needed? Hide his, if so.

InternalGangsta · 25/07/2018 09:07

I'm sorry you're going through this. He clearly has no respect for you at all. It's your house! Can you speak to someone he does respect- friend, siblings, his parents? Explain the situation and ask that they encourage him to leave peacefully so you can have some sort of civil relationship for the sake of the children because if he doesn't you will be forced to involve the police.
I don't think you can go on hold together when he's behaving like this. What are your options? Thanks

OliviaStabler · 25/07/2018 10:30

All because he's been found out and I'm getting crap for that?!

He's really angry as he was hoping to have his cake and eat it . Now you know he is panicking as he was probably was feeling smug about not being found out and he is now shitting himself as it is not his house and you hold all the cards.

Pack his stuff up and change the locks.

Good luck Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 25/07/2018 10:57

his response was 'make me' so I duno how this is going to go
It's not his house.
Book a locksmith or look on youtube and change the barrel in the lock yourself.
Pack up his shit and leave it outside.
Tell him he is not allowed back into YOUR house and if he even tries you will call the police.

Honestly, you sound truly scared of this cowardly, cheating, bully.
You hold all the cards. YOU are in the right.
Stop 2nd guessing him and get him gone - TODAY!
You could call 101 and give them a heads up on what you are doing and advise them that he might kick off.
They put you on a priority call list so if you do dial 999 they will be with you fast!

CardinalCat · 25/07/2018 11:13

Get him out of YOUR house! He called you a slut? Talk about projecting. He is cheating on you, gaslighting you, and abusing you. Get him out today, and get your life back tomorrow.

Cloudyapples · 25/07/2018 11:18

If it’s your house book someone to come and change the locks when he is next at work.

Original poster
Summertime54 · 25/07/2018 12:18

I think since towards the end of the last year he has just been more angry and it's not easy to manage his anger anymore. I've just acted like it's normal and I don't even know why. Now this has all come out, he could have left if he wanted to but would have nothing if he didn't live here, so just stays and will take it out on me instead. I want to say that I'll just change the locks but @hellsbellsmelons you're completely right I am scared of him and completely drained with his constant moods. When I asked him to leave he just got really aggressive. He goes from one extreme to the other, I'll get this last weekend out the way as I can't be bothered with him making a show of me in front of all my family and then I'll have to get him out!

OP posts:
TeaStory · 25/07/2018 13:09

Call Women’s Aid to get advice on how to get him out. He is abusive and the sooner you are rid of him the better.

5LeafClover · 25/07/2018 13:17

^^
What tea said.

The easiest time to act is straight away. That's why people like this refuse to leave or ask for just a few days, the odds of you getting him out decrease with every day you pretend to the outside world everything is ok. They are training you to do it your way. Text your family what has happened. This is shocking enough news to cancel the party if necessary ( but hopefully they will rally round and help you have it without him)

5LeafClover · 25/07/2018 13:18

Sorry should read they are training you to do it their way

5LeafClover · 25/07/2018 13:20

And also she read tell your family... not text them!

TeeBee · 25/07/2018 13:33

You own the house. Go and buy new locks right now (Yale locks are around £20), spend time now finding all the spare keys that are lying around your house. Can you take the house keys from his keyring? As soon as he goes out, change the locks. Inform the police, put his stuff outside. The longer you leave this, the more you will brush over it. Tell him you'll be in contact about organising contact with the children.

Greypaw · 25/07/2018 13:34

You could call the National Domestic Violence Helpline - 0808 2000 247. They can talk to you about having him removed from the property and sorting out a non-molestation order. If you're not married and he doesn't have interest in the property, he has no rights to be there or to return there.

RabbitsAreTasty · 25/07/2018 14:05

What? Are you seriously suggesting taking him to the family party this weekend! That's insane. He can't be with you!

You need to tell your family he has cheated on you now, while you are raging. Make a show of him to them.

If you want to give him some notice, tell him he has to be moved out by the time you get back from the party.

Every day he stays is a day he gets angrier and more entitled and you get more worn down as.he wipes his feet on you again and again.

Tell him you'll call the police to remove him if he doesn't go. Make sure you mean it. After all he told you to make him leave. So do it. The turd thinks he is your master. What a cock.

OctaviaOctober · 25/07/2018 15:07

You've found enough information tbh. You don't need to know who and how. All you need to do know is decide what you want to do.

Does he go away often? Maybe consider getting the locks changed and getting a security system installed while he's away. Call Women's Aid for advice.

OctaviaOctober · 25/07/2018 15:08

Go and buy new locks right now (Yale locks are around £20), spend time now finding all the spare keys that are lying around your house. Can you take the house keys from his keyring?

Just wondering why she'd need to find all old keys if she replaces the locks?

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 25/07/2018 17:11

OP I’m really worried for you , call the police please and get him removed. It’s your home. It isn’t healthy for your children to see him subject you to abuse either . Again really concerned for your safety xxx

Redbus1030 · 25/07/2018 17:36

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

anniefin · 25/07/2018 17:44

Go and buy new locks right now (Yale locks are around £20), spend time now finding all the spare keys that are lying around your house. Can you take the house keys from his keyring?

Just wondering why she'd need to find all old keys if she replaces the locks?

@OctaviaOctober I was thinking the same 🤔

Original poster
Summertime54 · 25/07/2018 20:05

Thanks for the advice! Im ok, think I make things sound more dramatic than they are. Unfortunately the party is for one of my DC so I can't cancel but it should be something I'm really looking forward to and I'm just dreading it 😏! I've told him that he needs to stop the shouting, I had to take him to work today and he asked me to buy some food from shop. Well because I was longer in there than he wanted then he walked in the shop and shouted at me in front of everyone. I'm so fed up, how does someone change so much. Do you think this is because of the other woman or maybe I've just let things slide way too much over years?! X

OP posts:
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