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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Anonymous letter

275 replies

Summertime54 · 21/07/2018 22:22

I have received an anonymous letter through the post. It was addressed incorrectly but the letter stated that my partner is having an affair and that they didn't want me to be the last to find out about it. Where do I start with this? Believe it and investigate further? Ignore it? Confront him? Any advice would be appreciated Smile

OP posts:
Summertime54 · 22/07/2018 21:30

Ok so I translated about half the letter and then couldn't bring myself to translate the rest. If this is anything to go by, then their is definitely something going on. He's never sent me a nice text let alone a bloody love letter...what a shit end to the week!

OP posts:
LaMainDeFatima · 22/07/2018 21:33

Does he speak other languages ? Can you work out who OW is ?

What a shit he is

Coolhotsummer · 22/07/2018 21:33

That’s awful. What language is it?

HollowTalk · 22/07/2018 21:36

But who writes letters nowadays? Surely he'd be sending an email?

Coolhotsummer · 22/07/2018 21:37

I thought that. Email or text.

Summertime54 · 22/07/2018 21:43

I've no idea, I'm going to guess he's been sending messages too but that's two bloody letters I've received/found in a day and yes you're right who does write letters these days! Maybe he was practicing his language skills or something (he doesn't speak other languages, that I know of but actually do I even know him?!)- Google translate said it was Polish. Sorry to rant on here, just trying to get my head round it. X

OP posts:
keepingbees · 22/07/2018 21:47

Does he work with anyone polish? Trying to impress them maybe...
So sorry you're going through this though, i hope you have support around you.

LaMainDeFatima · 22/07/2018 21:48

He may have just been using google translate . I presume OW is Polish.
Can you ask him Subtley about Poland and see his reaction .... something like.. ”Barbara at work was talking about going on holiday to Poland. You heard of anyone going there ? Anywhere good ” then watch his face

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 23/07/2018 01:16

Fucking hell OP, I’m really sorry , I was hoping it was all a case of mistaken identity 🙈.

What a big shit head , I’ll never understand why people cheat .

I guess the next step for you is to work out what you want to do from here. Some people choose to work on their relationships others decide they can’t forgive. It’s a very personal choice .

There’s a website called surviving infidelity which is a bit like mumsnet but more focused on the issue in hand. It gives a lot of practical advice and also has a forum on there I understand so you can reach out to people who have gone through the same and came out the other side .

On the plus side (I know you won’t be thinking much about this now ) but Atleast the house is all yours and you don’t have to through that agro if you decide to split.

Sending positive thoughts op , it will get better , it doesn’t feel like it now but it will Brew xx

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 23/07/2018 01:18

Also everyone on the thread is here to listen and support , ah dear my heart goes out to you x

Summertime54 · 23/07/2018 08:00

Thanks so much. What an arse, I don't know whether to be upset or just angry. He decided to let me know he was going for a job interview today as he wanted a change. So me being me, decided to throw in some sarcasm and say 'what because of your other woman'. Well safe to say that didn't go down well, i ended up showing him the letter and he lost it and said it was my friend tring to split us up. I am so bad at sticking to my plan. I know he's had a temper this last year (I now know why) but he was just horrible.

OP posts:
Monkeypuzzle32 · 23/07/2018 08:30

Oh no, did he admit anything to you? Changing jobs could mean he’s not with her anymore as you said he wouldn’t have chance to meet anyone elsewhere, not that that changes things really. Make a new plan, your house so can you just pack his bags? Will he want to go of his own accord?

xbeex · 23/07/2018 10:23

So sorry to hear this OP

He is gaslighting you please keep your wits about you xxxThanks

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 23/07/2018 10:48

Get angry OP and use that anger to do some practical things . You aren’t married and the house is yours so you have the power here. You are in control not him.

Ask him to leave for a few days so you can clear your head ? Then maybe go see a solicitor, (you can have a free half hour with most ) to find out legally where you stand .

Did you mention about the letter he wrote the Ow? Also did you have chance to mooch through his phone ? Not that it matters now , I think the letter you found (written by him) is proof enough.

Is there anyone in real life you can reach out to ? Family or friends? You may want there support over the next few days xx

LaMainDeFatima · 23/07/2018 17:36

Which friend ? Why would he say your friend ?

Do you think the letter could be from people at work ?

Did you mention the polish letter ?

Maelstrop · 23/07/2018 21:52

Your house? Then he can fuck off elsewhere, can’t he?

Redbus1030 · 24/07/2018 13:09

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/07/2018 13:23

I was going to suggest a spy cam in the house but it appears you now know he's a lying, cheating scumbag.
And you've shown your hand.
But in this situation it's really hard to stay calm and cool.
So what now OP?
I would suggest packing his stuff up and putting it out front and tell him to collect it and to leave you alone.
You can get in touch with him when you are ready.
Get family and friends around you and don't go through this alone!!!
Look after yourself.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 24/07/2018 13:35

How many people have been caught out by an e-mail? Or chain of texts? Write a letter and there's no copy and no evidence (unless they lean really hard on the pen). You do have a reply to deal with, true, but letters can be stashed away at work where the OP doesn't go. The OP has been lucky to find a letter in his bag (he presumably thought that, as it was not in English, she's never guess what it said) - a bit longer and it would have been in the post.

Low-tech. No-one's looking there.

Summertime54 · 24/07/2018 17:27

So basically his response was that he knows nothing about the posted letter, I'm also none the wiser. The letter I found in Polish, he says that it wasn't his writing at all and it's in fact from a woman in his work that wanted to meet up with him. He assures me he has not had sex with any other women. But I have found out that he is signed up to a number of dating website and does message other women - he says that he thinks that's ok because I don't pay him enough attention. He got really angry about it and started shouting and swearing at me like it was my fault. He's been like this since last year but I just thought he was stressed with work.

@Redbus1030 sorry to read that, what happened?

OP posts:
lionstigersbearZ · 24/07/2018 17:41

@Summertime54

He's a liar OP

swingofthings · 24/07/2018 18:27

Ok, so this is how it goes. He met someone at work. He told her that he was in a relationship but that you have now broken up. He has been claiming to work extra hours but actually he was with her, or if not with her, he was working extra to spend more time with her. He doesn't want to be dropped of right outside of his work because he doesn't want her, or one of her close colleagues to see him with you and therefore question his supposed break up.

Some colleague is outraged by his behaviour, especially the lies about having broken up with you. They don't know you well, but they do know they you are still together, maybe they asked your OH and he admitted it but asked them not to say anything.

They have been waiting to tell you because they were cheated on themselves and they don't want you to be treated like a fool. They've asked your OH some questions indirectly to find out what you live, but not obvious enough for him to guess why they were asking, hence getting the right street, but wrong house.

He annoyed that person and they admitted what they've done although he is hoping that as it's been given to your neighbour, it's gone to the bin. Still he knows he is now walking on thin line and doesn't want to lose you, so decided it was time to make a fresh break and find another job.

Unfortunately for him, you got the letter before and he stupidly left that letter which he thought would entice the lady having tried to write it in her native language, until he realised how daft it was and so kept it in his bag...

Lemonyknickers · 24/07/2018 18:27

He signed up to dating websites, but that's ok and any way it's your fault? WTF! Tell him to pack his bags

Badbadtromance · 24/07/2018 18:47

Have some self respect op and sling him out

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 24/07/2018 18:48

@swingofthings I agree , what you have summarised sounds entirely feasible and very probably true.

Op - in regards to him setting up dating profiles and then blaming you , this is him deflecting the blame onto you and is a known technique used by cheaters when caught.
There’s a “cheater script “ somewhere if anyone could oblige with the link? I couldn’t see it in the classic threads...

Anywho I think it’s time to consider you now , what do you want your future to look like? Can you really trust this man? Chances are he will leave you at some point but on HIS terms (when he has found some daft ow to take him on). Do what’s best for you and your children Flowers
And only you know this

On the practical side (and I’m really sorry to say this) but it maybe worth getting yourself checked out in terms of sti checks. Safety first always .

Sending hugs and strength your way xx Brew

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