Married man losing interest and I feel like shit

[touchoffree]

I know this is wrong but I've been seeing a married man for the last four months. Tbh I'm not capable finding my own relationship as men never want me.

This man pursued me for ages and eventually I gave in. Initially he couldn't get enough but just like all the other men he is now bored. His wife accused him of cheating and today he told me he can no longer text me at the weekends. So I got annoyed and told him I was fed up of all the rules, to which he has accused me of being too needy.

I feel horrible now and hate the fact he thinks I need attention. I've tried to be so laid back but it's hard when I have no commitment from him. He's stopped texting me back so that's it really.

Not sure how to make myself feel any better? I just feel really frustrated that he isn't replying to my messages and I want to scream. I'm so disgusted with myself for another failed attempt at making something work. Even someone that I don't really want doesn't want me.

Tell me it gets better please?

I agree with that, NotAnother. Affairs are by their nature, deceitful an the people in them are selfish and focused only on their own wants and needs - at the cost to others - although I think they don't see that bit.

What I can't be diverted from is this: When a married/partnered person is truly 'off limits', that comes from them. Their spouse or partner can't make them or compel them to be so, they just are. The most desirable OW in the world would not distract them from their vows/promises whatever, because they are truly committed.

I won't go so far as to say that OW/OM provide a 'weeding out' service because that would be glib, but from what I've seen, second marriages for cheated-on people seem to be happy and those people (especially women) have very, very good, firm boundaries in place of what they will and more importantly - will not accept. And that's a good thing.

Better to find out that your spouse is a cheating louse and move on to someone much better than cling on, suspecting and unhappy, never sure that the errant spouse is going to be faithful this time or not.

If I cheated, I would TAKE the full blame for it - for my husband, that is, not for OM's wife. I would feel sad to have caused her pain, contributed to damaging her relationship, but my priority and responsibility would be to my husband, not her.

I don't think I could trust someone who had cheated in a previous relationship and if I was the OW and he left his wife for me I think it would always be in the back of my mind somewhere that he has it in him to do it to me.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

The OW isn't there to police the married man's dick. The married man has sole agency over his dick and where he puts it.

That is absolutely true. However what if you turn it around?

There are such things as the. 'Other man'. A woman can be married a have an affair. The man can be completely single.

So if you replace your above statement with it being a woman.....

The married woman has sole agency over her vagina and where she puts it....

If a woman is married/or in a committed relationship....where do your feminist views stand on this?

Is it still ok for her to sleep about because she is a woman even though she is taken?

It is misogyny because by calling the OW names(and it is usually a OW who is the target of this type of vitriol rather than an OM) you are indicating that you are blaming HER for being a bitch, man stealer etc.

You don't get it.

If my DH had an affair with a man...I wouldn't have anything nice to say a about him either.

Misogyny is a dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.

One woman is not representative of all women.

If anyone fails to comprehend that...it's pointless trying to explain.

It's the actions of one woman FGS

Lizzie, I don't disagree with you there. I'd even go so far as to say that there are 'leagues of despicableness'. I mean, it's bad enough to cheat on your spouse with someone else with a spouse if you have no relationships entwined other than your own with your affair partner - but to sleep with best friend's partner is somehow more abject - and to potentially cause fractures in the family by sleeping with familial partners is even worse. I definitely agree with that.

I don't know if it will make any cheated on person feel any better if I say that being an OW was something that I didn't recover from. I'm sort of at peace with what I did, as best as I can be, but it did something. I won't say that it tarnished my soul or anything so fanciful as that, but it did make me less of a person than I should have been and that stays with me.

Posters who say they are OW message me sometimes and I'm happy to talk to them but it's always to tell them how I got through it, the best way to get out - never to join in with reminiscences of my affair - or theirs. I'm not interested in that but I don't mind helping or trying to help them get themselves out of that situation by talking it through.

There was a website that Luna (I think) mentioned yesterday for OW. I think I saw it once, and if it's the same one then it was the most self-indulgent bollocks imaginable. Legions of OW talking about when and how they were going to see OM. It was all a bit sickening and joining in with giddiness was never going to be my thing. The interesting thing was that none of them seemed to listen to each other, they were all talking at each other, so self-absorbed about their own affair, no concern for ramifications to families involved and so on. It might all have been fake but what was clear was that it was a giant echo-chamber and if it's gone, it's no loss.

I think that there are many more OW than we know of or imagine there to be and whilst some undoubtedly just want to talk about their OM and being in love with him, there will be others who are desperate to end it, to get the hell out of it - and it's a shame that MN can't see beyond the obvious there. Being an OW is heart-wrenching more than it's deliriously happy, if you have feelings for the other person anyway.

Please excuse my wittering on, Lizzie, most of this wasn't to you, it's just in response to the obvious distress of some posters and whilst I'm not that OW and never would be again, I understand their pain and I'm deeply sorry for my part in causing it.

Woman = singular
Women = plural

sissy, it's the married person's responsibility to keep to their vows. So, from your post if married woman takes an OM, it's her responsibility. If OM and OW are both married, it's their responsibility to their respective spouses.

Perhaps it isn't clear from the thread, possibly because OM really don't post here and very few cheated-on men do (that I've seen anyway). Because the OP of this thread is an OW, that has been the main thrust. I will say though that OM do not receive the same vitriol and there are patriarchy reasons for that. It is not a level playing field and that is the problem, that is why feminist posters are talking about the power imbalance. It is there whether we believe it or accept that it's there - it is.

I think I've answered your question, I've tried anyway.

PipeDown, it's often stated that leopards don't change their spots, once an OW/OM always an OW/OM, but that's not always the case.

I wasn't married but I am now. Whether I was married or not, I wouldn't be an OW again. I'm sure there are OM who are also now completely faithful.

From my experience of couples, OM/OW, if they are cognisant at all, will realise what it has cost the people that they loved, to be together. That cost is huge and I think that if a couple in that situation were to make a go of it, they're committed to that. That's what I've seen anyway. I've seen one mistrustful couple who didn't last.

It's such a taboo topic that nobody really has the answer or any kind of meaningful data as to the likelihood of success of a relationship.

But, if you make it clear that you won't countenance anybody who ever cheated then that's fine - let's hope they're honest with you.

If it wasn’t with the OP it would most likely be with someone else

Then let it be someone else and not 'you'.

It's akin to saying "If I didn't steal your money, someone else would have"

Both are wrong. One is illegal...but both are wrong.

While human beings walk around with low morals and lack of empathy..people will continue to be hurt.

I met a woman online who'd been cheated on while going through Chemo. Her brother committed suicide after his wife cheated on him.

It's no game... affairs can end fatally and if people thought through the consequences a little bit more seriously...they may think differently.

I do work in schools about marriage and long term relationships. I get the students to discuss their hopes and fears of marriage...without question cheating comes up on every school. These kids are 14 upwards and some have been the children of marriage breakdowns following infidelity.

So yes...children are resilient...but I see first hand the effect it's had on some if them. Things they wouldn't discuss at home.... so if you are the OW or OM and kids are involved.. you play a part in this.

Deny it if you want...you can say it's not your responsibility...you didn't make vows. That they arent your kids...but why play a part in hurting any kids.

No - let it not be HIM, let him keep his dick for his wife and not make it available to anybody else. HIS responsibility.

Sorry but that lecture is just grating.

Interchangeable between the sexes, of course.

You're married/partnered? YOU stay faithful. That's YOUR job. End of, because if they did, the rest would never happen.

There you're so right, LyingWitchInTheWardrobe that the attitude to the OM just isn't the same at all. It's the cheating wife who gets slated every time. It's sadly hardly surprising as when men play the field people envy them as fun loving bachelors. Women are slated as 'slags' or 'whores' if they have an affair or if they play the field. Men just don't have to cope with that.

I've become far more feminist since I've been bringing up my DDs.

HIS responsibility.
Absolutely...but
everyone has a personal responsibility which I've repeatedly said ... but you choose to ignore ...it's not blame him or blame her. It's both of them doing wrong.

I don't accept that single women having affairs aren't doing wrong. Of course they are and they know it. As does anyone else with common sense.

Everyone should do the right thing... if your thing is having affairs... then like I said upthread .... buckle up for the ride and get tough, because the fun times don't last forever. The highs and lows are gut wrenching and more often than not you're left broken hearted.... be you man or woman.

If you wouldn't take poor treatment from a single man/woman ...Why let a MM/MW treat you like this. You hand him/her the power of messing you around and putting treating you like a plaything as and when they take you out of the box.

People treat you how you let them...that applies to every walk of life.

That applies to men and women alike.

On MN the belief seems to be that it's only married men cheating...not at all. This thread is about one individual...but has derailed to feminism and other irrelevant talk ... totally off topic.

Back to the OP....if you wish to stay in the affair...don't make yourself do available...act like you don't care...make it known you arebt sitting around waiting for him.
Go out with your friends.... and be sure he knows about it.

If you're getting stressed out by status quo...then you're not cut out for an affair. A 'good OW' plays it well and doesnt get emotionally attached ... the men they deal with are disposable.

Misogyny is a dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.

One woman is not representative of all women.

If anyone fails to comprehend that...it's pointless trying to explain.

It's the actions of one woman FGS

What's that expression? No point trying to have a battle of wits with the unarmed. It is you that is failing to comprehend or being wilfully obtuse.

It isn't about the actions of one woman at. That is not what we are discussing.

We are talking about the mass ingrained cultural prejudice in women generally that makes them collectively (as here) turn on an OW and attack her as being an evil whore [fill in insulting names as you see fit] and hold her primarily or at least very substantially culpable for the voluntary actions of a man who happens to be married in choosing to sleep with her.

The misogyny is in the ingrained prejudice that men have over centuries manage to bash into women that rather than a man being solely responsible for where he puts his penis, that it is the OW who deserves to be hung drawn and quartered.

SandyY2K I agreed with a bit of one of your posts further up but with your following ones, I don't believe that you have any idea what you're talking about.

I genuinely hope that you don't actually have access to other people's children with this stuff because it's not just nonsensical, it's dangerous.

I find you EXTREMELY rude and offensive Lying

And patronising and condescending under the guise of feminism.

I will have to name change (begrudgingly) but as a child of a father who FUCKED AROUND endlessly, I dont care about your feminist ideals.

My mother is riddled with health problems that are completely not of her doing because of the SHIT my father brought to her doorstep. Yes it is the man who made the vows and is ultimately responsible. But to all the women who fuck married men knowing they are married without a care in the world for the the devastation they leave behind, and all the women like you who defend them - i want to say a HUGE fuck you.

People who preach abou theoretical ideals without a thought for the real life fall out of this behaviour are just as bad as the men who cant be faithful.

I don't think there's any joy in being married to a man who would cheat on you if only he could, and is faithful purely from lack of opportunity.

Eminado, I looked back to see where I'd offended you and the only post where I responded to you is one where I agreed that it wasn't spiteful to say that the "OW is on a hiding to nothing". I agreed with you there anyway.

This isn't about feminism for me because you could turn it the other way around, ie. a married woman having an OM (who could be single or married). SHE is responsible for what she does to her own marriage because she took the vows.

At no point have I excused affairs, there isn't any excuse and the people who are in them are selfish; they do not care for their spouses and that's a given. They prioritise themselves about their marriages. That's a fact too.

If you find my posts patronising then that's how you feel, you're entitled to feel the way you do. Other than that, you know nothing about my life or why I think the way I do, that's my business.

I don't know why you need to name-change; quite frankly it would be easier if you didn't as I could just swerve your posts in future. Feel free to ignore mine also.

*prioritise themselves above their marriages.

Perhaps you are needy for other men have lost interest too. Perhaps focus on you for a bit and you might then find the right man?

@Eminado
I find you EXTREMELY rude and offensive Lying
I don't totally agree with you.

There's a lot of nonsense being spouted under the guise of feminism and it makes such women sound like idiots.

I've neither the time or inclination to engage with such people.

We are talking about the mass ingrained cultural prejudice in women generally that makes them collectively (as here) turn on an OW and attack her as being an evil whore [fill in insulting names as you see fit] and hold her primarily or at least very substantially culpable for the voluntary actions of a man who happens to be married in choosing to sleep with her.

Let's dish out gold medals to them then shall we.

A cheating man or woman...is never covered with glory. The OM is often called a predatory POS... hardly flattering is it.

By going for married men, you are going for a "safe" option as you know it can only go one of two ways. By shagging you behind their wifes back, you get the confidence boost that they choose you over her and also the thrill of sneaking around. But when they get "bored" you can sit there and feel sorry for yourself and tell you that it was just like all the other men and it isn't your fault.

It is your fault.

You are trying to poach other peoples relationships instead of forming your own. I would hazard a guess that you have very low self esteem but probably come across as quite confident. In short, you are so used to hiding your genuine feelings behind a mask that you have forgotten what you are feeling and how to act in normal society.

"he chased me so I gave in"? Whoopy fucking doo. Close your legs, get some self respect through therapy and realise that to a married man you are only ever a bit of fun. Why on earth would he give up having his cake AND eating it?

@Strawbroke I agree

@touchoffree I know you can't reply to all the responses, and I don't blame you for not reacting to the meaner ones - but a few people who care about your wellbeing have suggested you invest in yourself (counselling) - in order for you to achieve the more successful relationships that you (understandably) desire.

You haven't responded with regards to this suggestion, even though you say yourself that you need some help with setting better boundaries.

Counselling would be really helpful, trust me. By working out some stuff, you might be able to get off this treadmill of failed relationships - that's what therapy is for.

I suggest you block and delete for your own self as well as others.

You need to seriously scrutinise all past partners. Even if none other have been married. I suspect all will be so similar, it sounds though you may be self destructive no?

You probably go for a type. A poor type all of which end the same because they are the same.

Change your thinking. Change your type from arseholes with egos. I suspect things will be better. Take ownership of your self destructive behaviour. You create a self fulfilling circle.

I did much the same though never did i stoop to married. I did choose men who all treated me similar and rejected me with the same reasoning. It was me and them. Them as they were rubbish men and me as i pursued them.

This was a mighty epic read. Why can't we all be responsible for our actions? We are fortunate to live in a time where apps like Tinder exist, or even websites like adultfriendfinder.com are but a click away for a ONS to make oneself feel sexy, needed, and desired.

Why can't we as humans evolve to a higher standard of goodwill regardless of gender? We should expect respect from our partners, and give them the same respect in turn.

I also don't understand the concept that men have historically behaved boorishly, so it gives us women the right to behave just as poorly? If we really are "better" than the men who jump at the first opportunity to cheat on their partners, should we not lead the way and set a greater example by not stooping to "a mans level"? Lead by example and whatnot by behaving better than the men. For example: Support your fellow "sisters" by not being intimate or having an affair with p