Married man losing interest and I feel like shit

[touchoffree]

I know this is wrong but I've been seeing a married man for the last four months. Tbh I'm not capable finding my own relationship as men never want me.

This man pursued me for ages and eventually I gave in. Initially he couldn't get enough but just like all the other men he is now bored. His wife accused him of cheating and today he told me he can no longer text me at the weekends. So I got annoyed and told him I was fed up of all the rules, to which he has accused me of being too needy.

I feel horrible now and hate the fact he thinks I need attention. I've tried to be so laid back but it's hard when I have no commitment from him. He's stopped texting me back so that's it really.

Not sure how to make myself feel any better? I just feel really frustrated that he isn't replying to my messages and I want to scream. I'm so disgusted with myself for another failed attempt at making something work. Even someone that I don't really want doesn't want me.

Tell me it gets better please?

hi op,
sorry for your situation. please dont waste your energy and time for such men.
in old age when you look back you will regret that you done so and wasted all these nice years for such stuff.
respect yourself. dont lower your standards.
you can enjoy your life without a man instead of being with someone like that.

I do agree that there's a misogynistic element to this which is depressing. I remember how my abusive F used to say that a woman's adultery is worse than a man's adultery and used to get very angry if I disagreed, though he couldn't give a good reason for thinking that way.

He used to be paranoid about her being unfaithful to him whereas he could do as he pleased (and did, too).

It's this belief that women are expected to keep to higher standards than men, who are considered as living the playboy lifestyle if they have affairs with married women and are somehow envied. It's always the woman who ends up slated.

So yes it is misogynistic, I do agree with that. I believe there is an element of 'divide and rule' on the part of men, if the women are blaming each other then the man is let off the hook.

and i dont think you are boring.
it is the men you choose who are after one thing or you giving them wrong signals if you sleep with them in early days.

and it is very hard to meet a decent man but still dont lower your standards.

I have no sympathy for your current 'relationship' issue - women who sleep with married men don't deserve nice things.

However, I do feel for you when you say that men get bored with you quickly. Are you sure it's not just your perception though? My fella started off texting me all the time and now I'm lucky if I get a few messages a week, you just shouldn't need the level of contact and reassurance as the relationship progresses. They might not be bored with you, they might just be relaxing into the relationship?

Don't sleep with any more married men though, that's just scum behaviour.

I believe there is an element of 'divide and rule' on the part of men, if the women are blaming each other then the man is let off the hook.

This is what I find so frustrating about these types of conversations - that so few women see this or really embrace it.

If there was more of a culture of "it's all the man's fault where he chooses to place his penis", then the world would be a better place - because women would stop attacking women and me would realise they have to deal with their own actions.

How many threads on here where you get wives newly discovered an affair believing lies they are being fed designed to deflect the anger from him:

she really chased me and I was flattered (other way round more like)

I told her it was over but she has threatened suicide (I told her I can't leave my wife because she threatened suicide)

it was just sex. it didn't mean anything (it's rarely just sex - attention,lust, in love, whatever)

she's unstable and was stalking me

I got drunk at a work function and she took advantage. she's always had a thing for me

Ah Minx, I was going to suggest a pallet knife. It's a very complicated concept, far more than I'm aware of or have knowledge of and I really need to look into this in much more detail with some kind of 'idiot's guide to Feminism'.

For now though, I'm absolutely applauding Jeaux's, yours and CheersMedea's posts. I can't understand either how such a simple and indisputable concept is glossed over by so many woman. Too right that men are rubbing their hands and laughing at us.

**Too right that men are rubbing their hands and laughing at us.
** they probably laugh at us more when they can effectively choose between two women . 🤷🏻‍♀️

And the difference is that the ow is giving the man leverage to do this! Not the wife who is usually in the dark

No Fuckit, you still don't get it. The OW isn't there to police the married man's dick. The married man has sole agency over his dick and where he puts it.

Whom is it attached to? Take it to the most base level. It belongs to HIM. Not his wife, not the OW, not anybody else.

Stop blaming the OW, do. It's making you sound daft - and a bit desperate to be honest. Only a man is responsible for what he does with his dick... only a man....

Both the man and the OW are to blame!

Yes the mans loyalties should be with his wife and he should be man enough to say no.

But, the OW knows he is married and doesn't give a crap either.

They both agreed to the situation and are both at fault!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe most of the poster agree with my view , secondly for the millionth time , but you clearly have selective reading Nobody is saying that the man is blame free , he’s a shit but also she has behaved deplorably which you have even said yourself.

Ask yourself , who is really allowing men to have their cake and eat it? Who is really giving the man all the power, it’s not the spurned wife , it’s the OW for entering into the situation KNOWINGLY

@twinky06 exactly ! Both are poo bags

Why married? That's so wrong on so many levels. It's also his fault as well. I knew a girl who was sleeping with a bloke, who's wife had just had a baby boy and it was in his own fathers house. I told her what i thought of her and now i don't speak to her.

Look, sometimes finding love is difficult but you are over complicating everything by going after a married man. Go online, try finding someone there that isn't married/in a relationship...also, you've got to work on loving yourself first

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe also look how quick you are to hurl personal insults ...desperate and daft , have I insulted you? Called you anything? No . And you’re a feminist ? Owkay then 🤦🏻‍♀️

Fuckit I didn't get personal with you though. Just because most posters agree with you doesn't make them or you, right.

The man owns the dick. Decent men don't share it around, they keep it for the woman they said they would keep it for. Clear enough?

I don't want to keep debating the point as we're obviously not going to agree here other than yes, all parties are clearly in wrong - cheating spouse and the person he/she are cheating with. I think that's covered it.

Other than to do a jaded laugh that you think women have any power to give to a man. It's the other way around... men have the power - and they get to keep it!

I expect you think I mean desperate in a derogatory way but I don't - I mean desperate in trying to convince that women have any power over men. That is what I meant.

'Daft' isn't an insult in my book, it's soft, but if you took it as one then I apologise for that because it wasn't intentional.

Lastly, for your info, I'm a shocking feminist. If badges were being given out, I wouldn't get one. I just can't buy into the misogynistic nonsense on this thread about OW, no matter how convincing - it just isn't, because that's not how it is.

FuckIt why are you equating lack of morality with women having sex? There should be no moral judgement at all. Man created two incarnations of woman, as I pointed out earlier. If he goes off his wife sexually, or she goes cold on it it's because of the psychosocial and psychosexual effects of the nuclear family. Freud wasn't just a misogynistic Victorian man obsessed with sex, he hit upon the same problems that feminists were contemplating.

Have you heard that saying "when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy" do you know where this phrase originates? Engels. He looked at history and anthropology and concluded that marriage created it's twin....... prostitution/mistresses/concubines. What Engels meant was not that his wife had been his mistress, only that men were apt to pick women based upon quite specific attributes that rendered them suitable. Such as honesty, loyalty, chastity, ability to parent his children, respectability, good with managing money, household, level of education, someone he deemed worthy of sharing his status.

If you buy into the romantic ideal of marriage, or even if you don't but instead see marriage as protecting your interests/share in your husband's property, then you have married to ally yourself with your oppressor, have sought to raise your status and you took vows to foresake all others. If you married because you are religious then again you and he have taken vows. Cheating isn't the act of having a romantic dalliance, an emotional connection or having sex. Cheating is defined by breaking a rule. You agree to foresake all others, you break that rule. The OW is not breaking any promise, any rule.

Besides as we have seen here with OP, what she really wants is love. Not another woman's husband.

And women are socialised to love. Men (as stated previously) have real difficulty finding love and lust in the shape of one woman. He loves his wife, she is idealised. He seeks another to debase enough that he can have sex with her.

This only happens in class society, because it's nearly always lower class women that men demean, reduce to sexual objects to stick their wayward dicks in. Whether it's lap dance clubs, stripping, prostitution, wanking to porn and paying for webcams it's all part of the same phenomena.

FuckItPassMeTheWine

Too right that men are rubbing their hands and laughing at us.
they probably laugh at us more when they can effectively choose between two women

Arggh!!!

There you go again. In your eyes, it is the responsiblity of the women to remove the choice.

It is not at all. This is the very crux of the problem that you still see the fact that a MM can have sex with one of two women (his wife/OW) as the fault of the woman. You as a woman are blaming the OW for allowing a MM to have sex with her.

A single adult woman can have consensual sex with who she chooses to. It is the MM who has made the choice to sleep with her against his marital vows. HIS choice against HIS vows.

This is the genius of men - that women are socially indoctrinated into believing that the poor little lambs are so helplessly driven by their cocks that they can't help falling into an offered vagina and only by women sticking together can a marriage have a chance.

Jesus.

@CheersMedea

That's not exactly true, is it, that a single adult woman can have sex with whom she chooses, is it? There are incest laws, after all, meaning that she isn't permitted to have sex with her brother or uncle. (I mean as an adult, not as a child who is being exploited.)

Most of us would consider that it crosses a line to have sex with one's BIL or one's best friend's man. (Or maybe it's every woman for herself and loyalty to friends and family don't matter?)

So are you really suggesting that we should remove the laws against incest where consenting adults are concerned?

Fuck my life

The cheating man is in the wrong
The other woman is also in the wrong as she willingly fucked a married man

Why is this is so hard for some of you to comprehend?!

No one in this situation is blameless apart from his wife!

I don’t care if you have a vagina or a penis - sleeping with an attached person is wrong and if you are the attached person then sleeping with anyone other than your spouse is wrong

Gender does not give anyone carte Blanche to act like a dick

And claiming to be a femanist doesn’t somehow make you immune to A) being completely wrong or B) the spokesperson for all females

Lizzie, that's not comparable - incest is against the law, cheating isn't.

Nobody is saying that it's ok to sleep with somebody married, it isn't. It has huge potential for hurt and upset and, I personally think that if one had a crystal ball and could actually see the outcome of many of these affairs, they wouldn't engage. The thing is, people always think they won't get caught.

Separately, prisons are full of people who thought they wouldn't get caught. It's a human condition perhaps?

Wilding, is anybody saying that any party cheating is faultless? I don't see that they are - just that the responsibility lies with the married man who chooses to break his vows. That's what hurts, the knowledge that the man who elevated you (general) to be his one and only, disregarded that. He is completely culpable for that, he has the relationship with you. The OW does not. Whatever you may think of her, she owes you nothing.

There are plenty of people who act like 'dicks' outside of affairs. It's only really affairs that seem to light the blue touch-paper though and it is ALWAYS the women who get blamed.

If this thread had been left to run without posters pointing out the blindingly obvious (married man at fault), I can see it would have turned into an absolute shitstorm of abuse towards the OP because she is the OW in this case. It was telling yesterday when PotteryGirl suggested 'a few posts berating men' - because in her mind, that would have made the OW-bashing 'acceptable'. It isn't.

Men are still holding all the cards and are busily making up 'new' ones. Women don't do themselves any favours by allowing themselves to be divided and set against each other - we're already 'ordained' that way (see excellent posts above).

As for feminism, I don't understand very much about it, I'm sure that most of my views are very unfeminist but at heart, I'm a woman's woman and my priority is for women however much I might disagree with individual women.

I don't think anybody here is claiming to be any kind of expert or spokesperson for all females or feminists either.

I don’t buy into all this “men have the power” crap

That is only true if you allow it to be so

Bottom line is - don’t cheat and don’t get involved with attached people.

Yet again a woman is getting blamed for a mans actions.

If my sisters say, DH cheated on her I'd blame him. If a good friend cheated on their partner I'd blame -them. If my husband cheated on me I'd blame him but would question the woman's motives. I think I'd partially blame her if she knew the wife though as she would have some kind of relationship with her so would be betraying her.

Don't get me wrong I don't think being the other woman is sensible or shows you in a good light. I don't think it makes you a home wrecker (hello, the married person did that) or a despicable human being, though they are likely selfish with very low self esteem or are very arrogant and narcisistic.

Whichever the case, it's up to him to keep faithful. If I cheated I'd expect to get the full blame - why wouldn't I?

Having said that it's normal as humans to judge I can only share my views. It's only when home wrecker or she ruined the family is trotted our that I feel it's unfair. Claiming someone is selfish, lacks empathy etc is a fair call and people will judge.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I know it isn't the same. My only point was that no one really thinks that a adult single woman is free to sleep with whoever she chooses, there are laws in place and there are social expectations. Like sleeping with a BIL or best friend's man are actions that most of us consider wrong.

I was just making a point to @CheersMedea that it doesn't work to say we're free to sleep with who we choose, we're not.