Married man losing interest and I feel like shit

[touchoffree]

I know this is wrong but I've been seeing a married man for the last four months. Tbh I'm not capable finding my own relationship as men never want me.

This man pursued me for ages and eventually I gave in. Initially he couldn't get enough but just like all the other men he is now bored. His wife accused him of cheating and today he told me he can no longer text me at the weekends. So I got annoyed and told him I was fed up of all the rules, to which he has accused me of being too needy.

I feel horrible now and hate the fact he thinks I need attention. I've tried to be so laid back but it's hard when I have no commitment from him. He's stopped texting me back so that's it really.

Not sure how to make myself feel any better? I just feel really frustrated that he isn't replying to my messages and I want to scream. I'm so disgusted with myself for another failed attempt at making something work. Even someone that I don't really want doesn't want me.

Tell me it gets better please?

I could call a woman who had an affair with my DH any name I want...that in no way amounts to misogyny. It's very narrow minded to assert that is the case.

It is narrow minded to so completely miss the point.

It is misogyny because by calling the OW names(and it is usually a OW who is the target of this type of vitriol rather than an OM) you are indicating that you are blaming HER for being a bitch, man stealer etc.

When the truth of it is, that it is entirely the responsibility of the man as to where he puts his penis. All the hatred and vitriol should be directed entirely to the man who made his promises to you and you alone.

It is misplaced to hate the OW because (as I posted above) for all you know she may be polyamorous and think marriage or monogamy is an outdated construct - but really what she thinks is neither here nor there to you because it is your husband/DPs responsibility to be faithful to you. His and no one elses.

That women think it is fine and OK to call an OW names and blame her (often totally) for a married man having an affair is born out of a deep rooted societal misogyny that holds WOMEN responsible for a man's sexual activity.

The fact that you can't even see that indicates exactly how deep rooted it is.

The sisterhood is really holding men to account and not blaming women at all.

The name calling on these threads is incredibly unpleasant.

The reality is that affairs happen. In more marriages than not affairs happen, and they. Are rarely as black and white as that everyone just fancied a cheap shag on the side. Of course those kinds of affairs do happen as well but there is often a lot more to it than just wanting something more.

And having witnessed several threads on mn where women have in fact met someone else and not pursued the relationship due to being married but it having woken them up to the fact that all in their marriage is not well and they need to leave anyway, those people are met with just as much vitriol as if they’d actually had the affair, so there is in fact no incentive for someone to leave a current relationship when meeting someone else brings home the realisation that all isn’t well.

The issue here is that the OP clearly does want a full relationship, but having fallen for someone who was married in the wake of a break-up she has realised far too late that he’s the one with all the choices, and now he’s got what he wanted he’s choosing to walk away.

Yes OP chose to become involved with a married man, and having now been hurt it could rightly be said that his going back to his wife was potentially always on the cards. But he’s the one who is married. He’s the one with responsibilities to his wife. If it wasn’t with the OP it would most likely be with someone else. But calling OW’ in this situation hores and slags seems to somehow absolve him of some of that responsibility.

OP now that you’ve seen what he’s like I would use that as a reason to cut contact rather than beat yourself up (or let anyone else do so) over the fact that he’s married. Because I guarantee that in this instance you were his plaything and deserve better. And there will be others and were likely others before.

Walk away with your head held high and tell yourself that this is a lesson learned.

AynRand, let me put it another way... Do you think that 'zero hour' is planned then? Do you think that an 'affair couple in waiting' determines that this is a good course of action and tally ho...?

It's not a decision that's consciously taken in my opinion, it's a slip-slide of 100+ micro decisions that in and of themselves, wouldn't mean a thing but in concert, they're the prelude to an affair. Even so, sometimes circumstances or being able to shake yourself out of your reverie in time, prevents them. There's nothing special about an affair partnership, no more than there is of a 'normal' one and in my view, the start-up is much the same.

The risk was and is still there and for all the smugatons out there, it's there for them too - and their spouses.

There's a reason why people anecdotally say "You'd never have thought it of him/her?", devastated spouses say it too and it seems to come as a complete shock. Are they all lying?

It's said that before anything happens, there's no reason to pull back - but by the time you really should pull back because it's out of hand, it's too late. This I believe but I've been there myself unlike the posters on this and other threads who just post without any knowledge of what they're talking about. It's like driving. If you're not a driver, you can't have a driver's view - just a passenger one.

I know I won't have an affair again. I know the warning signs and I'm alert to them. I paid the price and I'm ok with it now.

I would say that it's careless lack of attention though, I think that's fair to say. Somebody who is aware, who cares for their spouse and wants to safeguard their marriage, is attentive to the risks and shuts them down.

Sleepwalking into an affair is easy to do if you are not paying that attention and don't have the necessary boundaries in place.

It is ALWAYS the fault of the cheating spouse and the constant blethering about "Yes, but it's difficult to be angry when you love him"... Quite. But if you're not going to throw out his worthless arse then that's your decision - the OW is not your justified target.

It's amazing that women hold other women to higher standards than men. Or is it? Because like OP we all seek out a secure love that offers us either marriage or a LTR. We do so because it offers us security and status through our attachment to one of the privileged. We can't have the respect of all men, men do not respect us as equals, so to have any respect or equality we must seek this with one man. All the time we hear "boys will be boys" and "men can't keep their dicks in their pants"

The schizophrenic love of men, and their reluctance to want change pits women against other women.

If we are so protectionist that we blame other women, ie we see the OW as competitive, then it would logically follow that the OW see the wife in the same light. This places two women in a position of being adversaries. The reality is neither is a Madonna and neither is a whore. They are just women, both of whom have the psychosocial make up of the oppressed trying to survive and make good of a bad situation, and find some love and security in life. It's men that benifited and it's men who should be held to higher standards.

It's incredibly gendered, this need to debase OW. Women - who as a group have collectively little power - feel better when they can lift their social status to that of virtuous madonna wife, and rubbish the OW as worthless whore. But at the end of the day in this situation neither woman has much power. The power is with the man, as it usually is

^this

Time and time again, I see the wife gunning for the OW but what about the husband in all of this? He made the wrong choice also.

That makes sense to me, MinitheMinx, what a waste of energy and blood pressure it all is.

Women have been sold this 'romantic ideal' the reality is that neither the wife not the mistress are in a great position. We reserve our judgements only for the other woman, but only because we have been socialised to hold this ambition of being the one caged and on a pedestal, a good woman, whilst this other woman who is flesh and blood and female just like us is bad, a whore. It's men who created and recreate the conditions in which women attack other women. It only benefits men, and it hurts ALL women.

To put it simply , no one here is not blaming the man , no one here has once said that the OP MADE the husband have an affair. We all know he is a shit ok. But her decision was a bad one too. That would be true if she was male or female .

To start referring to the history marriage and how it’s an institution is just trying to push your own agenda of whatever version of feminism you believe in.

Everyone is accountable for their own decisions , be them male or female 🙄

If we are so protectionist that we blame other women, ie we see the OW as competitive, then it would logically follow that the OW see the wife in the same light. This places two women in a position of being adversaries. The reality is neither is a Madonna and neither is a whore. They are just women, both of whom have the psychosocial make up of the oppressed trying to survive and make good of a bad situation, and find some love and security in life. It's men that benifited and it's men who should be held to higher standards.

Yes Mini I agree with this.

Everyone is accountable for their own decisions , be them male or female

Yes Fuckit, but choices are not made in a vacuum. They are made within a social context in which women have less power than men. None of us are saying the OP is making good choices for herself. We are pointing out the gendered nature of some of the abuse she's receiving and talking about how this is a product of a still sexist society.

If we are so protectionist that we blame other women, ie we see the OW as competitive, then it would logically follow that the OW see the wife in the same light. This places two women in a position of being adversaries. The reality is neither is a Madonna and neither is a whore. They are just women, both of whom have the psychosocial make up of the oppressed trying to survive and make good of a bad situation, and find some love and security in life. It's men that benifited and it's men who should be held to higher standards.

The same happens when a there is an OM though, he is pitted against the husband 🙄.

I’m sorry but I have the power to refuse to have an affair with a married man, to say I don’t is quite insulting

Witch, it's like painting the wall with treacle.

Men benift not only by having created two opposed incarnation of woman, but the fact women fall for it, perpetuate it and reinforce......if I were male I'd be rubbing my hands together.

I do think as women we are not completely without power, and I do get torn in two by some feminists quite regularly. but our ability to be autonomous, free and powerful is limited. Our own psychological make up is the biggest barrier, we first have to think then to act. I do at times and when I do I'm told 'you are victim blaming' no, I'm not, I simply see it, have it confirmed I'm a victim and a refuse it. I refuse to be a victim as men would have me be. Why acknowledge something is wrong and then refuse to challenge it!

Married men who cheat are often in it for the 'chase' - perhaps you attract men who like the chase only.
Either change your partner type, or just be nonchalant yourself, some men respond well to that
In the meantime step away from married men they're not worth the pain

I’m sorry but I have the power to refuse to have an affair with a married man, to say I don’t is quite insulting

Nobody is saying that.

Listen OP, I'm a married woman who's husband has a short affair 6 years ago so just to warn you I find affairs and married people who have them utterly reprehensible. However in your case you are guilty only of being naive and thoughtless.

I can see you're hurt but there really was no other way it was going to go was there? If he didn't lose interest what would have happened? Either it dragged on and on and you became a long-term mistress which would mean you wouldn't be meeting other potential partners. He'd leave his wife which you say you don't want. Perhaps this was the best outcome, now, before you got in to deep.

I don't know why men don't stay interested. Leave men alone for a while. Do your thing, live your life and be alone for a while. Perhaps when you learn to be happily alone it will be easier to find a partner that will fit into your life alongside you.

Good luck x

Mini, I struggle a bit with some of the feminists too, whilst desperately trying to understand them - and failing. Your 'brand' of feminism resonates with me a lot.

So budge up, I'll get another brush and help you with that treacle paint...

Married men who cheat are often in it for the 'chase' - perhaps you attract men who like the chase only.
Either change your partner type, or just be nonchalant yourself, some men respond well to that
In the meantime step away from married men they're not worth the pain

If it's just about the sex and there are no feelings involved, why feel the need to text him all the time, to an extent where he's asked you to stop.

I think you need to put your energy into finding someone single and not faffing about with a married man, but firstly pop by Asda and see if you can pick up some morals

Op I remember what it was like to have a wrong man right under your skin (not an affair in my case he was just abusive and nasty.) I remember not wanting to text him but feeling some of attachment. I would go a while ok then I'd text him and instantly regret it.

You need to ensure his number is no where, missed callers, deleted messages, anything; just delete it all! Then after a few you can't text even if you're tempted.

It's going to take a while to get him out from under your skin but just treat it as an addiction and go cold turkey. It will be bloody hard at first then over time it will get easier. Don't even block his number because then you can just unblock it and his number will be there to tempt you (been there!) If he texts you, don't even read it, delete it straight away. Maybe learn the last 3 digits of his number so you know it's him. But delete instantly!

Good luck 🙂

Asda? It's owned by Walmart.

Witch, my feminism is like treacle, it doesn't spread . I'm a Marxist feminist. Nope I'm not dope smoking, proletariat shopping, starting a riot or kicking fascists. But I do believe the materialist roots of all expiration and oppression are to be found in the division of labour, rather than the materialist (radical feminist) analysis that the roots of all oppression are in the division of (labour) in reproduction. Although Firestone's(arguably the most clear thinking and most radical of radical feminists) conclusions are correct (and I'd argue Marxist, more Marxist than self proclaiming Marxist feminists in the 2nd wave) her theory is flawed because she doesn't properly make use of the materialist analysis to historicise or make historical materialist arguements which can be borne out by historical facts. Her materialist analysis is Ahistorical, as is the theory that underpins all theory of patriarchal society. Patriarchal is a better term than patriarchy. No patriarchy ever existed, but patriarchal relations between men, women and children have at various times in history, and to varying degrees that correspond with the mode of production.

No woman will ever have equality with any man, not even the husband who's class /social status she tries to appropriate, and even less so will she have equality with all men until all women are equal to all other women.

*exploitation

I have just been through this (long term partner cheated and she knew me), please be aware of the pain this causes. I am on antidepressants and feel like my life has been turned upside down.