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Married man losing interest and I feel like shit

462 replies

touchoffree · 14/07/2018 19:18

I know this is wrong but I've been seeing a married man for the last four months. Tbh I'm not capable finding my own relationship as men never want me.

This man pursued me for ages and eventually I gave in. Initially he couldn't get enough but just like all the other men he is now bored. His wife accused him of cheating and today he told me he can no longer text me at the weekends. So I got annoyed and told him I was fed up of all the rules, to which he has accused me of being too needy.

I feel horrible now and hate the fact he thinks I need attention. I've tried to be so laid back but it's hard when I have no commitment from him. He's stopped texting me back so that's it really.

Not sure how to make myself feel any better? I just feel really frustrated that he isn't replying to my messages and I want to scream. I'm so disgusted with myself for another failed attempt at making something work. Even someone that I don't really want doesn't want me.

Tell me it gets better please?

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 15/07/2018 20:23

Whatever the OW believes about monogamy isn't relevant, she's still been party to a whole lot of hurt.

If you really think that what a single unmarried person believes themselves isn't relevant then you are too far gone down the path of indoctrination that women are responsible for men's sexual fidelity to reason with.

Why should any single person who doesn't believe in marriage or fidelity give a flying fuck what a married person chooses to do whether with them or anyone else for that matter?

It always when it is a MM/OW that there is this blaming and hand wringing - and a lot of pretending that people would think exactly the same if it was a MW/OM when that is just not true.

What is the point of making a marital vow exactly if it is other people who are responsible for ensuring it is adhered to?

By the way, I did get the comparison with rape. I just found it very insulting

What you wrote suggested a different understanding to mine of that post - because you specifically wrote about being referred to an OW being compared to a victim of rape. ("Especially the poster comparing the OW to a victim of rape.") That is not what that post said as I read it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2018 20:24

Not on this thread you haven't, Luna. Again though, a woman might 'help' to screw over an affair partner's spouse but the affair partner themselves, is holding the gun and pulling the trigger.

I don't know many OW but I've never heard this. I would give short shrift and refuse to listen to it too. Oh - and I never said it when I was an OW either, not once. Why would I and why would any woman do that? The spouse - if not our business to protect (and he/she isn't) - then certainly not our business to criticise either.

Lizzie, well no. The OP is a poster in her own right and she posted for support. Not one person (really, not ONE) has clapped her on the back and told her to go for it, that she should carry on.

Some posters have told her of the pitfalls (she knows them), the pain likely caused (she knows that too). Why should OP wear sackcloth and ashes for another OW's actions - and why is it always OW who have to explain themselves. Here's a clue - they don't. It doesn't matter how angry somebody is, the focal point and reason for that anger is not on this thread, or any thread - he's in their homes, in their bed, playing with their children, cooking their dinner - but the spouse can't show anger appropriately for fear of 'losing' so has to lash out here. Not appropriate at all - and pretty pointless.

jeaux90 · 15/07/2018 20:25

Nope I didn't say women can do what they want. I said I centre women over men.

I did already answer the question about what if the OW was my friend. I'd support her, give her a good book about self esteem and then another one about feminism (not the liberal kind) like I said to the OP. The men she has been squandering her time on are worthless. She however should invest in herself.

I've been cheated on, whilst pregnant and when my kid was a very young baby. I left his sorry arse and didn't look back. Did I blame the numerous other women? No. because if I stuck around in that situation I would only have myself to blame.

I am sick of the name calling, the back biting, the misogynistic slurs.

We are doing ourselves no favours. We are joining in the shitshow men created, we need to stop.

CheersMedea · 15/07/2018 20:26

I am sick of the name calling, the back biting, the misogynistic slurs.

We are doing ourselves no favours. We are joining in the shitshow men created, we need to stop.

This ^ with bells and whistles all over it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2018 20:30

Yep, all a bit unedifying.

CostaLiving · 15/07/2018 20:32

Sadly, yes.

touchoffree · 15/07/2018 20:45

I am reading the responses but not sure what else to say.

I've been cheated on lots of times, maybe its hardened me but I don't really believe many relationships or marriages are monogamous these days. I think it's too easy to cheat. I'm certain I'm not the first person that the man in question has been with since being married and I'm sure I'm not the last. Maybe it's because I don't know the wife but I've found it easy not to think about her.

I've said before, I was hurting and feeling rejected when this affair started. I had been seeing someone I really liked, then it didn't work out and I was in a bad place and sick of the whole dating thing. This guy (he is a colleague) had been making moves on me for months and I had always turned him down as he's really not my type but I just felt low and the attention started to be flattering. I won't lie I found the whole thing exciting at first. But now either my novelty has worn off or his wife does have suspicions (probably both I expect) and that's it.

I have cracked today and bloody messaged him! Obviously no response. I still had his number saved from a missed call and I had had a few glasses of wine... Will start no contact again tomorrow.

OP posts:
PipeDown1 · 15/07/2018 20:53

Costa you could have still had a relationship with your dp but could have waited until it was officially over with his ex.

It's a sign of the times, no one can wait. Marriages fail all the time, you could also meet someone who is more compatible for you. But wait, hold off till you are both single, then forever is your together...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2018 20:56

You won't know the truth of it, touchoffree, regardless of whether you think you do or that he has no reason to lie. What you do know is that he's an accomplished liar.

So, you've messaged him - start again. Block and delete. That way he won't be able to ring you and you won't be able to get his number again. Come on now.

WickedLazy · 15/07/2018 21:41

I think Costa and her dp, have feelings for and care about each other, and did from the start, in a way op and her mm don't. That's why it's different? I know a few relationships that started as emotional affairs, many of them seem content now, and with people they're better matched with. I agree, it's not always black and white.

I do think though, that where possible, you should leave your current partner, before starting something with someone else. And that if someone in a relationship, male or female, tries it on with you, you should turn them down, and tell the partner/spouse what they did. Cheating is wrong, be it a man doing it on a woman, with a woman or a man, or vice versa/any combo you like. If you don't believe in monogomy, (I've personally lost all interest in even having another relationship, never mind being married), you should date like minded people..?

Justtheonequestion · 15/07/2018 22:22

The more I read about married men the more I'm glad I'm not married. Sounds like a lifetime of humiliation from where I'm standing.

PipeDown1 · 15/07/2018 22:23

Wick absolutely and I agree people can fall for each other and can be very well matched and go on to be very happy. But the difference is mane sure you end it with your current partner first..

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2018 22:31

WickedLazy, I don't disagree with your post there but do you honestly believe that anybody - man or woman - goes into any serious relationship with the notion that they'll keep an eye out there to see if there's anything better available? I'm obviously excepting those who have open relationships there.

I don't believe that any person having an affair intends for that to happen. Yes, they made the choices that led them to that and they're absolutely culpable - but was the intent there? I don't think so. I've seen the hurt and upset either when an affair ends or when it's discovered and nobody would willingly inflict that, they just wouldn't. Again, the people involved in the affair cause it, no argument there.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 15/07/2018 22:41

I don't believe that any person having an affair intends for that to happen.

What? If you're having an affair, then 100% of the time there comes a point where you're intending for it to happen!

I can believe people don't always actively seek them out, but they don't just happen to people!

Justtheonequestion · 15/07/2018 22:44

lying
I believe that most men have an eye open no matter who they get with, and start to open that eye more once the initial excitement has worn off. I think women, in general think they are in love and are less likely to stray. Women in particular who start affairs do so because they can't find proper love, so they either seek it through someone 'prepared to risk all', or they indirectly demonstrate hatred towards the women who can. Either way it's down to some unmet need.
I think that for some people in affairs, someone else being hurt is part of the excitement as is getting caught. It's known it will happen, but adds to the risk which drives people wild sexually. If people were not wanting to cause hurt, they would not have affairs. It is quite easy to say-'no'.
However having seen Op is struggling, and trying to go NC, I wish her the best. Not like the goady fucker on another thread who revels in how special wrecking the life of a little girl, and ruining her homelife, makes her.

WickedLazy · 15/07/2018 22:45

"do you honestly believe that anybody - man or woman - goes into any serious relationship with the notion that they'll keep an eye out there to see if there's anything better available?"

Many people enter a relationship, with no intention of letting go of their side pieces, or not sleeping around. They do it for financial reasons, for their children, because they have self esteem issues, and need to feel desirable. For lots of reasons. People are complex.

SandyY2K · 15/07/2018 22:50

I totally disagree about misogyny on this thread. Betrayed wives hating or calling the OW names is not misogyny.

Ive had betrayed wives call names wheb their H has been having an affair with a man.

It's also a coping mechanism. In order to reconcile...you have to see the good on your H... so it's easier to blame the OW.

Same goes for betrayed husbands...they hate the OM... he's called a worthless POS who seduced his wife and swooped in on her weakness.. he places blame on the OM in order to reconcile with his wife. The OM becomes all kinds of evil.

The hatred in these cases is not to all mankind or woman kind...it's directed to the one individual who had an affair with your spouse.

I find people jump on words and misuse them far too much.

Misogyny is one. Gaslighting is another.

I could call a woman who had an affair with my DH any name I want...that in no way amounts to misogyny. It's very narrow minded to assert that is the case.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 15/07/2018 23:09

I have cracked today and bloody messaged him! Obviously no response. I still had his number saved from a missed call and I had had a few glasses of wine... Will start no contact again tomorrow.

I see the second or third manual is it? of feminism is really working out. 🙄

I’m actually thinking that this thread is some kind of wind up .

OP if your situation is real , you won’t find happiness with this man. Stop being so accepting of being treated second best. It will only cause you further heartache in the long run. At the age of 30 it’s worrying that you’re making these damaging choices. Talk to someone , a counsellor. Build up your self worth and then start to date , a single man who will devote his time to you . You may get rejected , everyone does , that’s dating but don’t lower your standards, that’s just a downward spiral.

twinky06 · 15/07/2018 23:13

Sorry but I don't understand how you can be annoyed about his lack of commitment when you know he's married. It's his wife I feel sorry for and where his loyalties should be.

Why not try meeting someone single and form a friendship... which could progress into something more substantial than an affair.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I'm a victim myself of a cheating husband.

Lizzie48 · 15/07/2018 23:36

I confess I find it hard to understand why you say that you didn't particularly fancy this man, he wasn't really your type, and you simply enjoyed the attention. If all you wanted was no strings sex, and you had no real feelings for this man, then why are you particularly upset? It's easy enough to go online and find another man to have no strings sex with.

The thing about no strings sex is that it is just that, no strings. Is it the case that you became more involved than you intended to?

Monty27 · 16/07/2018 01:57

OP tell his wife and your line manager.
He has taken advantage of you. Get up there and clear your guilt and your reputation.
I hope he gets fired and his wife leaves him Angry

SandyY2K · 16/07/2018 03:11

He has taken advantage of you

This just makes it sound like she has no mind of her own.

Part of being a fully functioning adult is
accepting personal respinsibity for your actions.

The pain and hurt is down to your poor choice. You can turn it around and make better choices going forwards.

I don't know what kind of friends or family you have...but would you be proud to tell them what your doing?

Part of what I think about when I consider doing things I shouldn't is my family and how very disappointed they'd be in me. It keeps me grounded.

That's not to say I haven't made poor choices..not at all ..but it's one of the reasons I've stopped doing wrong.

MiniTheMinx · 16/07/2018 07:19

I didn't make the point about rape, but the responses to that comment have made me think.

1)men are always 100% responsible for where they stick their dicks
2)women are always responsible for keeping their legs together

Ok, one statement is 100% correct, and it ain't the 2nd statement.

Marriage is a patriarchal institution that has historically benifited men.

Marriage and the nuclear family contribute to the psychosocial and psychosexual formation of the male psychology. The first woman he ever loved is mother, he competes for her attention, but she rejects him (Freud) he sees how his father goes out and acts upon the world (Simone De Beauvoir) and his mother as victim, helpless but good and virtuous. He decides to join the world of men, he sublimated his need for love with a need to conquer the world.

He distrusts women, they reject him. Ultimately he wants sex and love. His love object must be virtuous (of course there are materialist reasons why women must be chaste and loyal, such as property and knowing your son is your son) like mother. But to enjoy sex he must find a woman he can debase or who he considers not a Madonna but a whore. He recreates the first love interest by setting his wife appart, on a pedestal, she is his property, not his father's, but his. However he doesn't objectify her as a sexual object, he loses the interest of sex with her. He desires sex with a woman he disrespects, can demean, reduce to just as sexual object. Marriage itself creates prostitution and mistresses. Few men set out to leave their wives, the only woman he has given the elevated social status to, the only woman he will share his status with, the one he has caged, on a pedestal, and tied to the kitchen sink.

Deep in the psyche of most men is a desire not to love but to be loved. There is a split in their psyche. And it's caused by the nuclear family and by their own man made institution of marriage, which in turn has materialist roots in changes within the mode of production that created the first class societies. As long as we have class, we have women as a class that are never equal with men, and no hope. And without equality one can never say that women are equally responsible for what they do, or what happens to them.

And for as long as we have class, female subjugation and basic biology, women can not be held to the same moral standard.

One can only be said to make a truly moral choice when one is free to have done otherwise (Kant)

MiniTheMinx · 16/07/2018 07:24

Read shulamith Firestone, love is schizophrenic for men!

LeavingLasVegasForGood · 16/07/2018 07:46

I believe in personal responsibility. Like a previous poster (I think Sandy) I was once a person who habitually made poor choices for herself. That is something I have actively sought to change and I am happier as a result, as are those who care about me.

But choices are not made in a vacuum. Men and women are not equal. Men have greater social power, they generally have more financial power, and they are held to far lesser standards.

I don't think it's misogynistic to point out to a woman that her affair is a poor choice and she could make better ones - of course not. But the use of such terms as "wanksock", "whore", and "easy" is misogynistic. And while men who cheat may also receive a hard time on these boards, they are not called these names because these are names reserved for women.

It's incredibly gendered, this need to debase OW. Women - who as a group have collectively little power - feel better when they can lift their social status to that of virtuous madonna wife, and rubbish the OW as worthless whore. But at the end of the day in this situation neither woman has much power. The power is with the man, as it usually is.

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