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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me stop being a bitch :(

170 replies

BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 18:33

Probably shouldn't be writing this, because I'm very sensitive and don't want to get hammered! But I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has managed to turn things around?

My fiancé is really quite something - honestly he'd be snapped up if he was single. But he just gets on my nerves so much! Every little thing annoys me sometimes. I snap and bitch at him so much, and I want to stop.

Anyone? :(

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 13/07/2018 18:36

Well he won't piss you off any less just because you're married. Time to split.

HollowTalk · 13/07/2018 18:36

Maybe he's just not right for you, OP?

takeanotherchillpill · 13/07/2018 18:38

He's not a trophy to be hung on to to boost your ego! Do both of yourselves a good turn and split up.

Ginslinger · 13/07/2018 18:42

okay - why does he get on your nerves? You say he's really something but he can't be the thing that you want if he annoys you so much. Do other people annoy you a lot? Have you felt a mood change recently that has affected interactions with other people?
You need to clarify if you're being badly behaved just with him or if this is something that is part of you and you are badly behaved with other people close to you.
How does he respond to your behaviour?

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 18:57

Other people do annoy me but not as much as him. I just hate it when he forgets things, and also without sounding snobby, he isn't as educated as me, and it's really frustrating sometimes. But then he's good at practical things, ie he fixed the washing machine last week, and I wouldn't have had a clue how to do that. Also noises he makes etc, like the sound of him eating (!) I think it's just me, I find people very difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 18:57

How does he respond?

Sometimes argues back, sometimes ignores me

OP posts:
SlumMumBum · 13/07/2018 18:59

If it annoys you now, it'll certainly annoy you for the next 40,50 years.

Is there anything extraordinary stressing you out at the moment? If you're tired and emotionally drained, that might make you more irritable than usual. I'm guessing you haven't always felt this way?

Teateaandmoretea · 13/07/2018 19:00

You aren't being a bitch. You just aren't right for each other it's as simple as that.

Ceebs85 · 13/07/2018 19:01

Eh?

What else does he have going for him other than being a free handyman?

Dancingbea · 13/07/2018 19:01

I think that sounds like you are not meant to be together. Being irritated by eating noises is probably symptomatic of something more profound. His individual habits should be something you love not loathe. You can't mend that, it's the way you feel, but let the guy pick up with someone who won't feel like you.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:01

Oh don't say that :(

I'm always tired. I was bullied in my last relationship and now I find myself saying some of the things my ex said to me to my lovely fiancé! Why do we hurt the ones we love the most? :(

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:03

He's kind, he works hard to support me and my DC, he's funny, he's thoughtful, he's good looking, great in bed...the list goes on.

OP posts:
LostwithSawyer · 13/07/2018 19:03

You should let him go.
Poor sod is probably miserable and can't seem to do much right.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:04

I don't think he's miserable but he probably doesn't feel like he can do much right. I know, I'm a cunt. I don't want to split up. I just want to be nice. I don't really know how to be?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 13/07/2018 19:08

Have you had this experience in other relationships, or just this one?
How long have you been together?

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:10

Yep, all relationships

If he upped and left I'd be devastated

We've been together almost 20 months

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/07/2018 19:11

You can't make this work just because he's ideal on paper.

That's not how love works.

Raederle · 13/07/2018 19:12

It’s a habit that can be broken like any habit.

Every time you go to snap, count to five. Give yourself enough time to think about what you’re going to say.

I used to be a real dragon in the morning, but I made an effort not to be. You’re the one in control.

Is there something else going on that’s making you stressed?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/07/2018 19:14

Your behaviour is habitual so it's going to take a while to change. If your serious about changing it some counselling or CBT could help.

Honestly if you don't change something you're going to be so unhappy within the relationship and equally make him unhappy.

redexpat · 13/07/2018 19:16

Is it some sort of test? Pushing them away as some sort of test to see how much they want to be with you?

HaaaHaaaa · 13/07/2018 19:17

I don’t think we do hurt the ones we love the most.

My dh and I are kinder and nicer to each other than we are to anyone else.

haribosmarties · 13/07/2018 19:19

I get this. I was in an abusive relationship for some time but for some reason I get more angry with my lovely husband than I ever did with my ex. Im quite an intense person in the moment but calm down very quickly. I cant help that but I can acknowledge it and take steps to make sure I dont behave like a maniac. I find what really helps me is to just walk away from anything or any situation where I am getting overly wound up. It also helps me if I can to do some sort of physical activity alone like walking... so if im getting wound up i might go for a long walk for example until I calm down.

In my case a lot of it stems from anxiety. Because I was in an abusive relationship I am sort of constantly stressed that my boundaries are going to be ignored or that whatever I want to happen is going to be ignored.... which can sometimes make me act like a controlling bitch.

Its hard to do anything in the heat of the moment when something has set you off so its important to be aware of what triggers you into being critical/getting so annoyed that you say something nasty... if you feel yourself start to be triggered then just leave that situation... leave the room, go outside... dont try and engage or express your anger towards your partner because you know it is not reasonable anger and its not his fault (even if in that moment its hard to feel that) Get some space so that you can think through your emotion and reason around it before you are pointlessly nasty.

Wolfiefan · 13/07/2018 19:20

I agree. We don't habitually hurt the ones we do love.
This is unhealthy.
If you don't respect him (he's not educated enough) and you are repulsed (eg by how he eats) then this is never going to work.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:21

Thank you Raederle. I really need to fucking try. He'd do anything for me. I want to be the same, but after I've put four children first I'm a bit exhausted!

"Minor" stresses are probably the upcoming wedding, house renovations etc. My big, underlying stress is the abusive ex who may or may not find us one day, and all that that entails.

DP is not perfect. But he is a good person.

OP posts:
Badtasteflump · 13/07/2018 19:23

I don't think it's him - I think it's you.

I was bullied in my last relationship and now I find myself saying some of the things my ex said to me to my lovely fiancé! Why do we hurt the ones we love the most?

We don't - unless we're a bit fucked up for whatever reason. Maybe you feel safer in a relationship if you're 'top dog', because of being bullied in the past? I think unless you put some and effort into sorting out why you do this (ie some counselling), you could find you carry this behaviour into any relationship you have.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh btw Flowers