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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me stop being a bitch :(

170 replies

BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 18:33

Probably shouldn't be writing this, because I'm very sensitive and don't want to get hammered! But I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has managed to turn things around?

My fiancé is really quite something - honestly he'd be snapped up if he was single. But he just gets on my nerves so much! Every little thing annoys me sometimes. I snap and bitch at him so much, and I want to stop.

Anyone? :(

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:23

haribo that's exactly it. I NEVER told my ex to fuck off (wouldn't have dared!) but I have said it to DP.

Wolfie, I want it to work. Very badly.
And I know he does too. Do you think a couple can't work if their intelligence is mismatched? Genuine question

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:25

It's ok, flump. I need honesty. He's staying at his dad's house tonight as he's doing overtime tomorrow, to help pay for our wedding (his dad lives v close to his work and he starts at 4am). He's still texting me, and being lovely. Ex would never have done any of these things.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 13/07/2018 19:25

It can. It can't work if you look down on them because you consider them not as good as you (as your post implies)
Wanting it to work doesn't mean it will. Getting married won't make it better.
You can change your response to certain things but if he pisses you off at every turn why would you choose to live like that?

Badtasteflump · 13/07/2018 19:26

'Time and effort' that should read....

Raederle · 13/07/2018 19:26

Them concentrate on the good, really think about the good. It’ll make you kinder. But you have to be aware and pause every single time. I can be a bit stressy- most of the time it’s me not DH.

I think the poster who said you should be more thoughtful and kinder towards the ones you love is spot on.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:28

Wolfie that's a very good point. Thank you. Maybe I do look down on him a bit. That's exactly what my (doctor) parents used to be like - hairdressers etc all had the piss taken out of them for being "thick".

My DP is a lorry driver. But it's ironic really. I don't work at all, and he had a good wage. He pays the mortgage on a house big enough to house my four children. So why does my good education even matter?

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:28

He has a good wage*

OP posts:
blueangel1 · 13/07/2018 19:31

If you think he's "beneath" you as feel he's less intelligent, it's never going to work. Assess how important that really is to you. If it's something you can't get past, then you need to move on, but if you've had problems biting at people in other relationships, then to be honest it sounds as though you look for excuses to be nasty. You can unlearn this, but you have to want to do it and it's hard work. Put yourself in other people's shoes. If you've been in an abusive relationship then you must know how it feels.

Singlenotsingle · 13/07/2018 19:32

You sound as though you think you're better than him. You may be better educated but it doesn't mean you're necessarily more intelligent. (I'm educated to degree level, and dp left school at 14, but he's much brighter than me).

It's not going to get better. It can only get worse. Fix it or forget it.

Badtasteflump · 13/07/2018 19:33

Seriously then, I would look into getting some counselling - to come to terms with your abusive relationship with your ex and to allow you to move on and not allow him to spoil any more of your life.

I think 'intelligence' is a pretty hard thing to define. I know some people with Masters Degrees who are thick as mince in day to day life. I am more 'academic' than DH but he can out 'think' me in other ways and runs a business, which I wouldn't have a clue how to do. If somebody has common sense and is a good, decent person, I don't think qualifications really matter a jot.

Armchairanarchist · 13/07/2018 19:37

Of course it can work if you're of different intelligence levels. I'm far more intelligent academically than DH. What doesn't work is when you think he's beneath you. DH is creative, talented and great with his hands. We are equals but different.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:37

Yeh I need to forget the qualifications thing. I just wish he'd listen/remember more! It's annoying if I say, for example, DD2 has a party tomorrow at 12.

One hour later, he's asking when the party is? I dunno, it just pisses me off.

OP posts:
NeedDrink · 13/07/2018 19:41

You have so Much to be gratefull for. Focus on how he make your life - and your 4 Kids lives- better! Appriciate it.. or let him make someone else happy..

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:44

Honestly Need Drink you don't know how right you are
He brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning, he does lots in the house, he constantly compliments me... We've been through a lot together in 20 months

OP posts:
Ifyouthinkiwillsleepyoudream · 13/07/2018 19:45

Is anything else, particularly stressful, going on at the moment in your life OP? Some times we snap at our loved ones and don't have patience with them cause we feel under pressure in some other area and we know we can blow off steam with them cause they love us and would forgive us. Doesn't mean it's right of course, but it can happen and could be an explanation.

Or was it always like that?

And a more random thought. Could you be pregnant?? DP annoyed me a lot when I was, i Honestly don't know why! I have heard that it can happen some times. I blame the hormones Smile

Shortstuff08 · 13/07/2018 19:45

On paper I am more intelligent than Dp.

I did all my GCSEs and a-level and uni.

He barely even bothered with school. It do3snt make him beneath me and I don't even think of him being less intelligent until I really think about it. Usually after reading a thread on mn.

He isn't unintelligent at all. He is far more knowledgeable about certain things. We talk about all sorts. He is my equal, I love him. What qualifications either of us have doesn't come into it.

How would you feel if he thought you were beneath him? If he thought 'bloody hell, she doesn't work, I pay all the bills, house her and her 4 kids etc, she's taking the piss'

Foodylicious · 13/07/2018 19:47

I think you need to self refer for some councelling or CBT

Of course it's normal to go d liilte things irritating, but this level does not sound healthy for either of you.
Nor will it be great if your DCs see you repeatedly picking him up or putting him down over small things.

Bubbles050 · 13/07/2018 19:47

Well at least you’re self-aware enough to realise you need to change OP, that’s half the battle. Maybe on the days you’re not too irritated and have some time, do something special for him to counteract some of the negative stuff that’s been going on and talk to him about how you’re feeling/ask him how he’s feeling. It sounds like he really loves you so it’s worth making an effort and trying. Saying that if little things annoy you now, it may not get better. I’ve watched my aunt and uncle bicker for years over things like him slurping his coffee (which has never changed) and honestly think they should have just split up because they’re both so unhappy. They’re old now though so that’s not going to happen.
All the best whatever you decide to do.

TheSheepofWallSt · 13/07/2018 19:48

OP... I think you sound like a snob- which you’re blaming on your parents example... and a bully- which you’re blaming on your ex.

Now it’s fine to admit that you’ve been damaged by familial and romantic relationships. It’s not fine to pass that trauma on to someone else- and definitely not fine to do that, without working on your psychological state.

Leave your fiancé, get some good therapy, and start dating again when you’ve worked on yourself enough to be a decent partner.

NeedDrink · 13/07/2018 19:52

So so! Be gratefull! Be Nice! So fucking what, if he forgets stuff. He has a lot on his mind - you and your 4 Kids! He is nice. Appriciate it - and him. Focus on shit that matter . And live happily ever after 🌹🌹🌹

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:53

I can be nice. I'm not always a monster... I bought him some clothes the other day because he was getting down with his not fitting well any more.

God I hope we're not like this for years to come.

I've been referred for trauma counselling by my support worker at Women's Aid- just waiting to get to the top of the waiting list.

Definitely not pregnant! Smile we are hoping to TTC at the end of summer, however

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Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 19:54

NeedDrink (I also need drink! May have just cracked open the wine) thank you so much x

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Ginslinger · 13/07/2018 20:17

I think it might be helpful for you to have some counselling - together and on your own. You have some hangovers from previous relationships that need to be worked through and you have things you need to talk about with your fiance that could be helped by a counsellor.

Limpopobongo · 13/07/2018 20:19

Maybe he just needs to grow a pair and let you know his limits and expectations? I would rather be single than suffer a moaning woman.

NeedDrink · 13/07/2018 20:21

Im serious. Be gratefull. Just do. Look at how he make our life better . Yes he forget and sometimes fuck up. Dont you? 😎 focus. He does so much for you. And kids. You love him. Focus 🌹🥂