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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me stop being a bitch :(

170 replies

BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 18:33

Probably shouldn't be writing this, because I'm very sensitive and don't want to get hammered! But I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has managed to turn things around?

My fiancé is really quite something - honestly he'd be snapped up if he was single. But he just gets on my nerves so much! Every little thing annoys me sometimes. I snap and bitch at him so much, and I want to stop.

Anyone? :(

OP posts:
BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 20:21

He does stand up to me sometimes

OP posts:
Agustarella · 13/07/2018 20:21

You're not a bitch, you just possibly act like one sometimes. (Me too.) Real bitches don't take responsibility like you're doing. If you really need to be with this guy, and it sounds like you do, you will just have to concentrate very hard on looking happy and not making critical remarks when you're together. 'Fake it till you make it.' And schedule time apart when you can, without looking like you're avoiding him. Lorry drivers are out of the house a lot - it's not like he has the option to work from home :) - so that's a good start. The worst problem I can foresee when you're trying to make it work with a guy you're not in love with (apologies if that's presumptuous or just wrong) is that you fall in love with someone else and your main relationship quickly becomes untenable. It happened to me, although I wasn't yet living with my fiancé at the time, so the stakes were lower than in your case. No regrets.

My ex-fiancé was as well qualified as me and much cleverer in general, but it seems to be pretty normal that us single mothers don't attract educated men. (Cue posters saying 'Well I did!' but they are the exception.) The tiny minority of educated middle-aged men who are straight and single are likely to be high earners and thus out of our league. I'm sensing you know this already. Personally, my attitude to dating less academically qualified men was that if they don't mind, neither do I. Of course only you know whether you mind enough for it to be a make-or-break issue.

If it helps, practically all the men I've ever met would have forgotten what time the party was. At least your DP cared enough to ask for a reminder!

lifebegins50 · 13/07/2018 20:43

When are you getting married? It feels quite a rush to have 4 dc, move in together on just over 18months.

Why the rush? I don't think you know someone until 2 years and if you still like each other after that time then its a much better sign.

BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 20:46

18.8.18

I know what you mean...but it's been almost two years, and like I said we've been through a lot

OP posts:
Shortstuff08 · 13/07/2018 20:49

Been through a lot isn't always a good thing.

Going through a lot in the early days can end up with you not realising you arent compatible, because you are distracted by everything that's going on.

You are marrying him in a month and don't even really seem to like him.

dirtybadger · 13/07/2018 23:05

You're having doubts and hes irritating you after less than 2 years....I would be pretty nervous about getting married. Youre supposed to be starry eyed and their shir is still smelling like roses, etc. Sad sorry I know thats now what you want to hear.

notanurse2017 · 13/07/2018 23:25

For goodness sake, don't get married.

BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 07:14

I do feel giddy about him sometimes... I've just always found it hard living with someone... I also find it hard to understand why he always wants to kiss me, cuddle me etc. I'm not used to it!

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 14/07/2018 07:27

Op i have exactly the same. And its been the case in all my relationships. i get to the the 3rd or 4th year and then i get hugely irritated. I get married soon and i am worried about my lack of patience and quick to be annoyed issue.
My problem is that i am a very efficient, logical person with loads of common sense and i find it really difficult if my partner doesnt do things in the same way i would, is slow to do anything, needs constant reminders to do stuff and what ive noticed now is that he doesnt finish anything he starts. But i love him, he is very kind, happy etc and we are a good couple. He just fucking irritates me!

Cant help but watching with interest.

MarieG10 · 14/07/2018 07:28

You don't sound well matched and yes if he irritates you now he will more do in the future. Why are you planning to marry and TTC when it is still a fairly short relationship. 4 kids must be demanding already

Bluesmartiesarebest · 14/07/2018 07:33

It’s much too soon for you to be getting married. 20 months is very quick to have met someone, moved in together, got engaged and planned a wedding. What is the rush? You have four children who have also been through a lot and it isn’t fair to them to have a new parent in their lives in such a short space of time. There’s a good reason why second and third marriages have a higher failure rate especially when children are involved.

It doesn’t sound like you have recovered from your previous abusive relationship. People who have been abused can end up becoming abusers themselves because they are emotionally damaged. Your fiancé deserves better than this and your children are going to be caught up in another relationship breaking down. Call off the wedding and get some counselling. You don’t have to split up with this man but tell him that you need to take things more slowly.

BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 07:50

Whisky that's EXACTLY it. Tbf I didn't used to have much common sense but being a single mother to several children has definitely given me some! DP, on the other hand... He drives me mad asking me questions about how to do things etc! I've always been the needy one in the relationship, I suppose it's strange that someone needs me so much.

4 kids can be crazy but it's not that bad! I'm a sahm and they're all at school/nursery. Plus DP is very hands on and I've never had a partner like that so if I can have four DC with a shit bloke, I'm sure I can have five with a brilliant one! Well, hopefully anyway!

OP posts:
Shortstuff08 · 14/07/2018 07:52

Ok is right. You should still be in the honeymoon phase of the relationship.

This relationship has moved to fast probably because of all you have been through. A type of hysterical bonding.

You both need time to work out if you are actually compatible in normal life. Everyday life.

Be honest, is part of the reason you don't want to hold off on the wedding because he is a good provider for you and your children?

BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 07:54

In a fashion, shortstuff. I'm not on the mortgage so would be up shit creek if we weren't married and he decided to start shagging prostitutes, or whatever. That said, I do love him to bits, we are very very similar and he is the type of man I always wished my ex was Blush

OP posts:
Shortstuff08 · 14/07/2018 08:02

You do realise that you would get very little if this marriage doesn't work out.

Especially as you arent working and the kids aren't his.

If it's a short marriage, you won't be set for life.

I really think he isn't the man for you and you know this. The fact that he is providing for you all is what's driving you to get married so quickly.

Its a huge risk and a risk to your kids well being. But I sense you have made your mind up and will marry a man that isn't compatible for you.

BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 08:07

It won't be a short marriage. Well, I hope it isn't! And he is desperate to TTC so hopefully we will have children together. I've also put thousands into this house thank you.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 14/07/2018 08:07

Oh man i just typed a long reply then lost it.

I get it. Its like having another child to look after. Why are you responsible for all the instructions, plan making and reminders.
I had an issue with my partner where he never remembered plans we had made. Always asked "have we got anything on this weekend?" ...and the most annoying thing was it was mainly things he had arranged that he forgot. One day i had been talking about x event coming up that weekend, had talked about it at length and about half an hour later he asked of we had anything on.
I lost my temper, told him i wasnt responsible for all home admin, plans hd had made etc etx. He went to buy a wee diary and now knows whats going on.
Honestly..its all the small things that just build up.

Shoxfordian · 14/07/2018 08:08

I don't think you sound compatible either

If even the sound of him eating annoys you then you shouldn't marry him

BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 08:09

Oh no, I think we have the same partner Whisky! I can literally talk at length about something we've got on at the weekend, where it is, what time, who's involved etc. The next day he will ask "are we doing anything at the weekend?" Aaagghhh!

OP posts:
sissy89 · 14/07/2018 08:10

Sorry but I feel for the guy. You don't work and he is providing for you and your 4 children. Yet you look down on him as he isn't as well educated as you but he's the one going out to work and providing for you all.

I understand your past relationships however it's not fair to treat someone this way - treat someone how you would want to be treated.

As for him not remembering little things like where a birthday party is....give him a break! By the sounds of it, he's working all the hours. You don't mention if he has dcs if his own but if he doesn't - you've only been together 20 months - he's fairly new to the whole parenting thing. Or maybe he just doesn't listen. That's just the way his is. My dh is the same. I tell him things and it's in one ear out the other....frustrating? Yes. Does it cause problems in our marriage? Nope absolutely not. As if that's the only thing that bugs me about him then we have a pretty solid marriage.

I really wouldn't get married if I were you. It really isn't fair at all. I bet he would be heartbroken if he read this thread

BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 08:15

sissy - how can it not annoy you that your husband doesn't listen to you?! Genuine question. It's just rude!

He would be heartbroken but only because so many people are suggesting we break up. He knows how I feel about his drinking sounds etc, and his ex used to say the same to him (!) so I think he is a little louder than average!

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 14/07/2018 08:17

I agree he is working full time and has a house full of kids...it must be quite busy but that doesnt nagate from the problem. You know you love him and want to marry him you just need tips on how to not get annoyed so easily...i do to. I think i might try mindfullness or counselling.

If mumsnet were responsible for relationships no one would ever be in one.
You could pick apart anyones relationship and find something to leave the partner over. No relationship is easy...they all have peaks and troughs.

Whisky2014 · 14/07/2018 08:19

That saying "treat others how you want to be treated"" is useful.

sissy89 · 14/07/2018 08:19

@BirthdayKake because it's so petty! From the sounds of it, you've found an amazing guy - wake up and see that!

There are loads of threads on here from people who have just found out affairs. Who have just found out their partner has put them in thousand of pounds worth of debt. Who's partner emotionally and physically abuses them. You seem posts all the time saying 'he's just hit me'.

You are on here because you don't like the sound he makes when he drinks......

Shortstuff08 · 14/07/2018 08:20

It won't be a short marriage. Well, I hope it isn't! And he is desperate to TTC so hopefully we will have children together. I've also put thousands into this house thank you.

Do you really think if he annoys you so much now, that it will go the distance?

With another child in the mix?

Sometimes we meet people who are amazing and should, in theory, make a great partner for us. But they just don't. It's noones fault it's just not right. Trying to force it, rarely works out long term.

I think you both need to be realistic, open and honest about what's happening here.

I did ask earlier, but you didn't answer. How would you feel if in a couple of years he looked down on you? Because you don't work and aren't contributing financially.

It happens. People became sahm and all is fine. The after years of it, the other person gets pissed off with all financial responsibility falling to them.

I really hope you have protected your thousands. And if you have put thousands in, then he isn't providing a home, like you said, you both are.

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