Help me stop being a bitch :(

[BirthdayKake]

Probably shouldn't be writing this, because I'm very sensitive and don't want to get hammered! But I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has managed to turn things around?

My fiancé is really quite something - honestly he'd be snapped up if he was single. But he just gets on my nerves so much! Every little thing annoys me sometimes. I snap and bitch at him so much, and I want to stop.

Anyone? :(

My thousands aren't protected (hopefully marriage will help!) And when did I say I wasn't contributing financially?

I'd be broken if he looked down on me! Being a parent is the most important job in the world (to me, anyway). He often says he likes me being at home to raise the DC though so hopefully he wouldn't be a twat about it

I'm not, sissy, I'm on here because I wondered if anyone had any tips how to hold back and not snap sometimes. Thank you to those who have helped x

At the end of the day 'perfect' doesn't exist in relationships. Close to perfect does. There will always be something that annoys you about your partner.

I wouldn't marry this guy. I'd let him go and find someone that appreciates him so much more.

However if you find someone else - he won't be perfect. He might not put the milk back in the fridge. He might leave his wet towel on the bed or not put his dirty clothes in the washing basket. He might snore loudly.

Just deal with it like an adult. You will never find that perfect person you are looking for because he doesn't exist.

Everyone has small annoying faults. I do. So do you. So does your dp in your eyes. But there will be a hell of a lot of women looking at you thinking how lucky you are and how they wished they had what you do.

Small annoying faults - man up and put up with it and be grateful that's all you've got to put up with.

Well said sissy89. @ Birthdaykake why be hung up over education? when he’s providing for you and you’re 4 children! You may be more educated on paper but you’re not contributing to the lifestyle you have. He may forget things but he’s working his arse off to provide. He sounds lovely be greatful stop looking down at him and please don’t marry him just to make yourself more secure. Get some help, work on yourself and hopefully it works out for you both.

I don't work at all, and he had a good wage. He pays the mortgage on a house big enough to house my four children.

You have said this and more that suggests you arent financially contributing.

You say you would be broken if he looked down on you. You look down on him.

Many people are ok with their partners being sahm. I am sure he will be. I am just saying how would you feel if the situation was reversed and he looked down on you and got annoyed because the house isn't clean enough or tidy enough and he was working loads of hours.

When you have been together years, things you originally overlooked become bigger and get annoying. They can become the things that split couples up. You are already at breaking point over his annoying habits. What if he gets to that point with yours (we all having annoying habits).

I just think that you need counselling before getting married. Because you need time to work out if he is who you want to be with when you have dealt with the trauma of your previous relationship. I am saying this because I know. I left my abusive husband. It took time, work and help to figure out who I was now. Sorting yourself before jumping in head first into a relationship/marriage will pay off massively. To you, your kids and for him.

I think you need some time to get over your previous relationship before you can focus on this one properly. You make an awful lot of reference to his good points in the context of him being different to your ex. Just because he is nice, and not abusive, doesn't mean he is right for you. It doesn't mean he isn't either, but it doesn't sound like you have had chance to stop and evaluate this relationship in its own right. Maybe that is something you need to look at before you get married and have more DC?

I did try counselling but then the counsellor moved away, and she was a little strange tbf (although lovely!).

Ok if you want specifics I pay for the food, I pay some of the bills, I pay for whatever the DC need (obviously. Although I don't get any maintenance 😠) and I have paid for most of the house renovations, or done them myself (DP can't paint bless him).

I know what you mean Don'tKnow. This is why I keep putting off TTC. He has been keen for a while as he has no children of his own

Oh you are right sissy.

He's the man I've always wanted.

I do need to stop being a perfectionist

I think you need to pursue more counselling. Yours didn't come to a natural end.

You pay for things but don't work? You clearly have some income. But that isn't the point I was making. It's not my business if you contribute or not. I was trying to give an example to make you think about being in his position. Would you want a partner that looked down on you?

He may not be ‘not listening’ I think he’s justngot anlot on his plate if as you say he’s workig very long hours, over time etc to make sure the wedding can be paid for then add to the mix your very busy household with 4 DCs. You’ve only been together 20 months, you’ve been a parent for much longer than he has - hes still finding his way in terms of organising etc I’ll bet.

My husband annoys me when eating, he puts too much in - in fact who knows if that’s the reason I’m just assuming here - and if I hear him it really grates on me. Sometimes I ask him to eat quieter but it doesn’t go further than that, I guess it doesn’t feel like it’s worth a bigger arguement, I can’t really help with that other than I get your annoyance.

Do you have relatively easy pregnancies? I can’t help but think you should hold off ttc until you’ve tried something to help with your thoughts as hormones will only make them worse (speaking as a hot and bothered 38w pregnant woman!)

He needs to LTB.

Not listening.............so this guy has gone from being young free and single to living in a house with four kids and you wonder why his brains a bit fried? Really I thought you were intelligent?

If you are that intelligent then you would not be in this position in the first place?

He doesn’t owe you anything so my advice is to stop taking his love for granted (you are still in the honeymoon period for a start)

People talking about money - there are four children, child benefit and tax credits etc all add up to a healthy sum.

From where I’m looking he ain’t the one who’s lacking in intelligence........

It sounds like you may be with him for financial security whether your conscious of it or not. There are clearly issues for you with his education which is fine to admit but it’s not likely to change unless he plans on returning to college or university. If his irritating you it’s because your likely not to be compatible. Yes he may be lovely and everything your ex partner wasn’t but it doesn’t mean his right for you. Ask yourself do you want to be with him for the rest of your life and if so why. What do you want in a relationship and are you getting that from this one? He will be getting ground down by this too so you need to have a really good think and talk before you get married and add a child into the mix

I think I am finding this post so frustrating as I'm in a similar situation to you op. Just a few years ahead of you. We are married and I'm nearly due with our first baby together.

I have 2 dcs already. He has 2 dcs. I don't work. I do get a small income because my eldest has special needs. He is the reason I gave up work.

My dh works all the hours for me and my dcs, as well as his own. And I honestly could love him anymore for it.

This morning he's gone off to work - to get a bit of extra cash for my sons birthday coming up. I told him he didn't have too or didn't need too but he's gone anyway. He's shattered.

Last night I took my dcs out - I asked him when he got in from work if he could hang the washing out. When I got in.....he hadn't done it. He was asleep on the sofa. I did get abit annoyed until I went in the dining room and saw the massive pile of paper work on the table. Lots of paper work = he's had a massively stressful week. Then I didn't feel annoyed. I looked at the state of his work clothes and they were filthy. Hes put them straight back on this morning and gone to work - even when he doesn't have too.

He didn't take any lunch with him so I'm going to make him a sandwich and take it up to him later. He will tell
me not too as I'm really struggling pregnancy wise now but I'll do it anyway. I don't have too but I like him to know that me and all the kids value him.

I never thought I'd find someone like him. I could write a list as long as my arm of the little things that piss me off....but at the end of the day, they don't matter. I know I frustrate him too. You've just got to let those things go.

However these little things seem to be really frustrating too so this is why I think you are just not compatible. You aren't able to let these annoying traits go. He really does get on your nerves....you can't marry someone you feel this way about.

You've had a little dig at him again because he can't paint. So what? My dh can't work the washing machine but there's a hell of a lot of things he can do that I can't.

I also take it that he has no dcs? This man is pretty amazing in my book....to be able to just take on a large family and start providing for them? After just 20 months of being with you?

I don't really know what you want or expect out of a relationship. But what your dp gives you sadly isn't enough. Defo hold back on the wedding. Don't get pregnant either. Work on sorting your head out and take it from there...

I haven't read all posts but I was damaged from a previous relationship- as I didn't want to lose my now DH I sort professional help to stop me projecting feelings from past relationships onto my then new (now 7 years strong) relationship.
Honestly I couldn't recommend it enough you need to let go of the past before you can move on properly- that's my experience at least.

Sissy you have got the right approach. Give and take works both ways.

Taking on someone else’s kids is no walk in the park.

If you find people hard work chances are you will never be happy .People are hard work but you need therapy and might need to look around to find the right therapist.
He isn't the problem you are -get help

I don't think you'll listen to anything anyone has said. Maybe you are perfect for each other and will have a wonderful marriage.
BUT

This is all so rushed. Please slow down.
You owe it to both of you.

You've known each other for less than 2 yrs. I think you have reservations about the upcoming marriage and it's all coming out in this sort of behaviour. Your instincts are trying to tell you this relationship isn't right. Or at least that it's way too soon.

If you are so right for each other, why not wait a while? Why the rush?

You have huge personal issues that need working on. You shouldn't have rushed into a relationship let alone be planning a wedding and a baby with him.

"My girlfriend's a bit stupid and I get annoyed with her a lot. I've had bad experiences before. How do I fix this before we get married?"

How does that sound?

Conflating education and intelligence at the individual level is just moronic, too.

@Melliegrantfirstlady oh absolutely, you've got to be able to do that or it just won't work. My dh isn't bothered that I don't work. I also deal with all the money - as he's crap at it. I will be going back to work part time when the new baby gets to about 2 because I want too.

It took us a while to get into a routine that works for us. To settle into a new way of family life etc. Only after that did dh propose and we got married.

@BirthdayKake - did your parents actually used to listen to you? I mean listen to the sub context...

I can't stand not being listened to (IMHO) by DH and it eventually it clicked it was my baggage I was dumping on him - my anger at parents who didn't care about me for me (just about me achieving stuff to make them look good)

This is why going from a bad relationship into a new one isn't good. In many ways your DP will have traits that remind you of your parents and you will re enact that dynamic - as you said you belittle him because that's what happened in your childhood.

Dear lord ... please do not marry this man!

I also feel really sorry for him and yes you are a bitch. I think you should tell him how you feel and leave him so he can move on and find someone who appreciates him and loves him for what he is.

It sounds like his benefits are the lifestyle and how decent a bloke he is to you.

Thing is, I only ever get irritated in relationships the way you are, when I no longer want to be with them.

Seems like you're making a practical choice to marry him, not one of love.