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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me stop being a bitch :(

170 replies

BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 18:33

Probably shouldn't be writing this, because I'm very sensitive and don't want to get hammered! But I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has managed to turn things around?

My fiancé is really quite something - honestly he'd be snapped up if he was single. But he just gets on my nerves so much! Every little thing annoys me sometimes. I snap and bitch at him so much, and I want to stop.

Anyone? :(

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 14/07/2018 16:39

He does arouse me sometimes but not nearly as much as I like but that's my fault not him (a side effect of being forced into sex by my ex husband multiple times).

It's not a matter of whose fault it is (there is no fault). As other PPs have said, you are rushing into this. Don't. You are not ready, and it's not clear whether you are actually right for each other.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 14/07/2018 16:42

I think in conclusion you aren’t a nice person. You might tell him you love him and he’s gorgeous/ strong/ clever to his face but that will be cancelled out entirely by your scoffs and sniffs when he makes a noise. You are emotionally abusive. With one hand you pull him towards you and shower him in empty compliments and with the other you push him away and critique everything about him. You’ll marry him and you’ll make him miserable because everything about him is convenient to you but he deserves so much better.

SandyY2K · 14/07/2018 17:00

Sandy he definitely has low self esteem.

I thought as much. No other reason he'd stick around.

No previous abuse though.

That you know of. He may not even realise it himself and men are less likely to admit there was abuse as they feel ashamed and weak.

He probably doesn't recognise you're being abusive now. Maybe his low intelligence is a reason. Who knows.

You keep saying you love him. Love is an action

Talk is cheap and your words are meaningless is your behaviour doesn't match up.

I'll be blunt.. you should be bloody grateful you have a good man...who has taken on and provides for 4 kids who aren't his... yet you act high and mighty.

Go and find a man who matches uour education and intelligence and see if he's give you a second glance with your baggage and attitude.

Where is the children's father in all this? You say you were a victim of abuse... the tables seem to have turned now.

Seek therapy. CBT could help in behavioural changes.

His self worth must be in the toilet to put with this.

Do you behave this way in front of others towards him? If so they must feel sorry for him.

PotteryGirl · 14/07/2018 17:00

Wasting my life reading your comments back I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a wind up. It has to be....

PremierNaps · 14/07/2018 17:03

You say you buy him things and pay for handy men but in effect isn't your DP paying because he's the one who works and you're the SAHM?

You need to let him go. You've jumped into this and treat him like dirt. If this was you saying he was treating you this way the advice would be to LTB

BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 17:06

No, I pay

I had a lot more money before we moved in together. We have moved closer to his work and family. Children's father isnt on the scene right now.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 14/07/2018 17:11

this is a wind up. It has to be....

Crossed mind too.

Children's father isnt on the scene right now.

I wonder why. I bet his story would be very different to yours. Definetly 2 sides to every story.

sissy89 · 14/07/2018 17:14

@PotteryGirl I agree. Op only answering certain comments to keep the post going and avoiding the rest.

If it's true, it's obviously awful that the op was a victim of abuse. But she's now using emotional abuse on her 'd'p.

BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 17:18

It's not a wind up, I'm very busy with DC.

Obviously ex will have a different story, don't they all? Only mine is the truth though.

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/07/2018 17:27

BirthdayKake - I'm not sure if anyone else has mentioned this (I've just skimmed and read your posts), but I strongly believe your behaviour is due to family dynamics and your experience growing up in your family of origin. In fact, you referred briefly to the fact that your behaviour is similar to the behaviour you witnessed when you were younger.

So this is deeply ingrained behaviour that has an unconscious origin - so any attempts by you to try and kerb it using willpower or reason won't work - or won't work for very long.

Analyst James Hollis talks about the idea of a tall building. If there is faulty wiring in the cellar (i.e. in your past), then no amount of trying to fix things in the rooms above will solve the problem. You need to go back and sort out the wiring at source. Same for you. Therapy is an option. Not CBT - it will be a sticking plaster. But depth therapy may well be your answer.

All the best Flowers

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 14/07/2018 17:32

I hope it’s a wind up.

PotteryGirl · 14/07/2018 17:51

If it’s not a wind up then consider yourself lucky..1: You’re not married 2: Your children aren’t his 3: You’re not reliant on him for finances or a roof over your head. 4: You’re not married. So, IMHO it’s real easy to split and crack on with a happy life..regardless of what he thinks/does. 2 years in you should not have to pep talk yourself into being nice to him...End it now before you damage him and then hate yourself for it. Agony Aunt moment over...

JennyHolzersGhost · 14/07/2018 17:57

If he had an accident tomorrow and couldn’t work any more, would you still marry him ?

FuckPants · 14/07/2018 18:38

Obviously ex will have a different story, don't they all? Only mine is the truth though.

Uhuh Hmm

dirtybadger · 14/07/2018 18:50

Bit harsh to disbelieve OP on things relating to ex given sensitive stuff she has mentioned...

I couldnt even tolerate a friend who I had to see a lot who was very irritating. Let alone live with them. Until one of us died.

I still strongly advise you defer the wedding. It isnt like you wont get another opportunity if everything can be resolved. I have had 2 LTRs. In one my ex was irritating me within about 12 months. I thought "nobodys perfect" and continued. After 3.5 years I ended it although for other reasons completely.

Now after almost 4 years with new DP so good frame of reference, I realise I should have listened to my gut. DP rarely if ever irritates me. I can still see flaws but they're flaws in an objective sense- not in the sense that I actually perceive them as flaws. Its important that not only is your fiance a "good/nice guy" but that you can truly appreciate that. Not just objectively ("well, he is a good guy and I know that")...but subjectively. That you experience him in the same way he appears on paper and to others. Not sure if that makes sense, hope so.

My friends are nice people. I know that. But that is a low threshold for a romantic relationship. Im not saying thats the only criteria youre introducing, just pointing out that just because he is nice and generous and loving doesnt mean you wont find him irritating or will be compatible in the absence of anything significantly wrong.

Doingreat · 14/07/2018 18:57

OP even if you ignore everything that everyone has said, these 2 sentences from
@Distancecalls should be your takeaway from this thread:

You are not ready for this or any relationship just yet

It's not clear whether you're actually right for each other.

Keep repeating them to yourself because they are true.

sugarnotsweetener · 14/07/2018 22:58

@potterygirl just read all the replies and now on the same page as you - definitely a wind up.

eddielizzard · 15/07/2018 09:23

You're a snob and you don't respect him. This is not a good basis for a relationship let alone a marriage. You're using him and looking down on him at the same time. Marrying him and having a child with him would be a massive mistake.

This relationship is absolutely doomed if you have to talk yourself into being nice to him.

TeacupTattoo · 16/07/2018 13:08

Don't turn into the abuser! I left my ex, and now have a lovely, lovely gentle man who I would not dream of saying "fuck off" to - ever! It's disrespectful and intimidating.
Also, get over the academic snobbery - if you can't see that other qualities are to be as valued then actually you are very intelligent. Why continue your familial degrading of blue-collar work? I am by far more forgetful than my husband and am also by far more academic; neither matter as we truly care for each other.
You do not HAVE to behave in the manner you do, be pleased you want to change and do so. Right now, I don't think you are being fair at all - I would say he cares more for you than the other way round - I hope that's not the case because if it is you should be single.
Lastly, there are quite a few of us who are trauma victims, domestic abuse victims, people with serious mental health difficulties, and these do not excuse putting anybody down let alone somebody you supposedly love.
Maybe talk to your support worker from refuge as honestly as possible about situation and see their advice - maybe you need time on your own to recover and discover how to live gently with a man. Don't let your ex carry on controlling you. I wish you every good luck, believe me. Be proud of all you've achieved so far but don't make excuses for your own bad behaviour; there isn't any.

Oh, and I have 6 kids from baby to adult and would never talk to my husband in a way that could scare him because I'm tired or stressed from court etc...there is no excuse, just change.

Doingreat · 16/07/2018 13:55

God this thread really depresses me. Having been in a relationship which was abusive in every way for over a decade I am now scared to ever get into another relationship any time soon. If ever. Not because i might become a victim again. I think I'm far too self aware for that. But because i fear i might start being abusive myself. I'm sure I've learnt some unhealthy behaviours in order to protect myself as result of my relationship and am scared of being the perpetrator. Especially if I meet a good man who isn't domineering. I know I have issues and hope I don't meet anyone till I have dealt with my demons.

OP wake up! You don't respect this man. You have contempt for him. This has disaster written all over it.

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