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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me stop being a bitch :(

170 replies

BirthdayKake · 13/07/2018 18:33

Probably shouldn't be writing this, because I'm very sensitive and don't want to get hammered! But I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has managed to turn things around?

My fiancé is really quite something - honestly he'd be snapped up if he was single. But he just gets on my nerves so much! Every little thing annoys me sometimes. I snap and bitch at him so much, and I want to stop.

Anyone? :(

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 14/07/2018 15:06

I also receive DLA for my son. That is not a joint claim

That's for your son, not you.

You seem to think a lot of yourself and little of others. Take a step back and think about all he brings to the household.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 14/07/2018 15:14

but it has to work! He is fab

Why does it have to work with him? Why are you trying to force a square peg into a round hole? You seem to have money, that gives you options. Why are you so determined to stay with him when he pisses you off so much? Life shouldn't be spent buying your tongue. It should be spent with someone who doesn't infuriate you.

Btw when did your relationship with your ex end? You have young children, right? Better to focus on them and healing yourself than force yourself down a road with a relationship that doesn't tick all the important boxes - like compatibility.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 15:15

Perhaps if I'd posted differently I'd be told he is using me, I need to be married or I'll have no rights etc. Never mind.

OP posts:
sissy89 · 14/07/2018 15:15

@BirthdayKake you are frustrating me now op. I realise you've been through some shit. But you are also treating someone who seems to be a lovely guy very very badly.

I don't think anyone on here will change your mind. You will just 'try be nice' for a while and marry him regardless. The consequences will be....disastrous.

This man isn't the love of your life. Your original post was very much about the 'niggles' that annoy you. We all have those. However this goes so much further. It's come to light how much this person does for you and you constantly put him down.

  • he makes annoying noises when he drinks.
  • he can't paint, bless him AngryAngryAngry
  • he can't remember when your dc should be at a party (he hasn't even got dcs ffs, you've been together 20 months, imagine what it's like for him all of a sudden being thrown into a parenting role)

All of the above are disgusting comments and I dread to think whah else you actually moan at him about. Carry on like this and you will knock his confidence and turn him into a tiny shell of a man. Sorry to say this but that's abuse in itself.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 15:15

It ended spring 2016

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 15:17

Well, I think he could paint but purposely did it rubbish so I had to lol

OP posts:
category12 · 14/07/2018 15:18

I think it's worrying that you put money in, and that it's moved so fast, and that you're so set on making it work.

sissy89 · 14/07/2018 15:20

The only reason you need to marry someone is to show you are 1000000% committed to them. You love them unconditionally until the end of your life. You make a commitment to each other.

That's the only reason. There are no others. You don't feel that way about him. Therefore you don't need to be married.

Your wedding vows would mean nothing to you.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 14/07/2018 15:23

Bloody hell. In that case I stand by my precious point. You came out of an abusive relationship with 4 children where you live in fear of being found one day by your ex.
You were single for all of 6 months but still dated several guys and then plunged headfirst into a relationship with a nice guy that you don't actually like very nice and less than 18 months together are full into house, wedding and ttc. That's ridiculous.

Take some time. Learn to love yourself and heal. Put your kids first - they don't want their mother stuck in another long term relationship where she's unhappy.

Johnnyfinland · 14/07/2018 15:24

How on earth could you have posted to twist this situation to make it sound like he’s using you? You’re milking the poor man for all he’s worth and I seriously hope he has a pre nup in place. If your kids are all in school or nursery why aren’t you working and contributing more? Because it’s convenient to let him do it, by the sounds of it. How can you not see the double standards in saying you’d be broken if he looked down on you when that’s exactly what you feel about him?

Honestly you’ve made yourself out here to be a highly selfish and unpleasant gold digger and I hope he comes to his senses soon and leaves

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 14/07/2018 15:24

*previous. Not precious.

Have you done the freedom programme? May I suggest you do? It's a great investment after an abusive relationship.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 15:26

They certainly won't mean nothing to me

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 14/07/2018 15:35

Do you actually love him OP? You haven't actually said that. You've said he's a good guy who would be snapped up, and that he really annoys you. And that it "has to work" but not explains why.
Nowhere have you said you love him. In 6 pages and multiple posts.
Just because he's not the arsehole your ex was, doesn't mean you should be marrying him. You are worth a good man but that doesn't mean you should be chaining yourself to the first decent human being that comes along. That's not the basis for a happy marriage either.

confusedmomm · 14/07/2018 15:36

He may be the one with less education than you but I take it with you being a SATM he's fully supporting you, which makes him a hell of a lot more of a decent bloke than some well educated men. If you weren't together where would you be? Why do you feel he is 'less worthy' than you? Not criticising, just trying to balance things out for you. Would you have the life you currently have without him? Would you and the kids be as happy without him in your life? Think about that and then try to hold yourself from having constant goes at him, which in the long run will only push him away. You either accept the differences and learn to cherish them, or put an end and move on. it's not always brighter on the other side though - you may find someone more educated that treats you like shit. Nothing is a given.

confusedmomm · 14/07/2018 15:46

Education is not everything. I come from a wealthier background and my studies went a lot further than my husbands. I am ten years younger, but earn a lot more than him - on top of that I have a few properties, meaning that even when I don't work I 'earn' more than he does. That said what he brings to the table is much more than money could bring - respect, commitment, great parenting, and he also does everything I hate doing such as household chores, cooking etc
So in my view we balance each other out. You need to put things in perspective and start treating him like you would want to be treated, as going into a marriage like this isn't going to delete the issues you have.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 15:48

I love him to bits

OP posts:
PotteryGirl · 14/07/2018 15:50

What would he think if he read this thread? Hurt, confused.? Would you even care ? You come across as quite a self absorbed person who probably shouldn’t be burdening themselves on someone else. I think you should seek help in mending yourself and being a good mum before getting into a long term relationship.

category12 · 14/07/2018 15:55

What sort of love is it? You're irritated by him and somewhat contemptuous of him and the sex isn't that great. So where's the love? What do you love about him apart from what he does for you?

SandyY2K · 14/07/2018 15:57

I think be must also have some issues himself to take on a woman with 4 kids who isn't so nice to him, when according to you he could be snapped up easily.

It's not logical for him to take on you and your baggage if you don't treat him well... so his own self esteem and insecurities are very likely a factor.

Maybe he thinks he can't do better than you....who knows what abuse may have been in his previous relationships.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 14/07/2018 15:58

That really doesn't come across OP. You can barely compliment him, day to day life with him drives you batty and you don't respect him. That's not love.
It sounds like a relationship of convenience and "not being as much of a dick as the ex".

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 16:21

Sandy he definitely has low self esteem. No previous abuse though. I compliment him lots in person

OP posts:
Nofilter · 14/07/2018 16:24

I don't think you can ever change this. It sounds like he's a bit of a pushover and because of that somewhere in you doesn't respect him. It sounds like you are not a match...

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 14/07/2018 16:28

i compliment him lots in person but that is cancelled out entirely by constantly bitching and snapping at him, as you say you do.

Mookie81 · 14/07/2018 16:33

He's a mug and he needs to run away fast.
Someone he's been with less than 2 years who already has 4 kids and wants to marry him and have another in this time span but appreciates his 'handyman' skills, as if that makes up for behaving like a massive cunt to him. Hmm
Poor bastard. The only reason you're not breaking up with him is because he's your glorified lackey who provides for your kids and stops you from having to pay for an actual handyman.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 14/07/2018 16:36

I do pay for actual handymen. We can't put up wallpaper or blinds so that's down to someone else Grin

OP posts: