Making her feel special?

[Cambshusband]

So, first post here so bear with.

Our happy (and exhausting) little lad is seven and we’re finally getting into a good place financially. We enjoy a good (if somewhat sporadic) sex life so no complaints there.

I’m conscious that the good lady hasn’t been treating herself over the last few years (and nor have I). So I need some help with ideas!

Being male I default to buying shoes and handbags, but it seems a bit naff as I approach my 40’s.

I was planning on getting a hotel for the weekend and arranging for a load of presents to be there on the bed ready when she gets there.

What’s people’s thoughts? Is it tacky? I’ve already ordered her some new shoes (Debenhams blue cross thank you very much, Kurt Geiger heels for £19 and Dune for £15) and a couple of dresses. Is lingerie just perceived as “I want sex tonight”? I want her to feel a bit special, not pressured to put out.

Look forward to hearing anyone’s thoughts

A book by a favourite author

That's a nice plan!
I'd like books, chocolate , maybe nice bodycream/ oil ( check out TK Maxx) and something nice to drink ( whatever her favorite is).
Matching, but not overtly sexy,underwear would be appreciated ( do you know exact size?)

Perhaps she could feel more special by buying her own clothes?

This is so cringey.

I'd prefer a thoughtful experience rather than new stuff. Arrange the hotel, book a nice restaurant and something else she would enjoy

i prefer communicating with my partner, discussing holidays together and choosing my own clothing.

Lingerie is definitely for you not her so forget that. The hotel is a nice idea, maybe plan a couple of things to do in the area.

My partner, for my birthday this year, booked a three night break in Amsterdam. I didn’t know where we were going until the day before when he presented me with a letter listing all the things we could do with urls so I could take a look. It was very special indeed.

Thanks for responses

Book - good call 👍

14 years married, I definitely know her size (and the way he hates thin straps because she thinks it makes her bulge). It’s a balance. I don’t want it to be slutty, but then I don’t want it to be plain Jane 😁

If she went shopping for her own clothes it’s not really a present is it now?

Had a look on the usual groupon / wowcher for ideas, they just seem to be full of the default prezzo meals or indoor skydiving.

I’d love to go indoor skydiving. Just sayin’ 😁

Props to you for making the effort! Obviously different people like different things and you know her best, but for me the best presents are when people give me quality time/experiences rather than material things. You may be already doing this kind of thing, but some things I would love my husband to do:

• get some good chocolate in, run a bath, pour her a glass of wine and take over childcare for a good couple of hours.
• book a weekend away for the two of you (needn't be expensive - maybe even go to stay with friends or have a staycation, most important thing is you make sure she gets a break from the usual day to day stuff)
• get her a voucher for some sort of pampering - if you're not sure, Treatwell do vouchers that you can use in lots of different salons/spas, so she can choose what she wants.

A few ideas!

Rather than making one's partner feel special like it's an occasion, I think it's more important to ensure they are valued, appreciated and an equal in the relationship. Household and family decisions - are these routinely discussed and agreed? Housework and childcare - is this shared equally with both doing their fair share? Money - do both partners have the same disposable income regardless of personal earnings? Recreational time - do both of you get the same amount of time to do your own thing? Communication - do you talk and, more importantly, do you listen? If you do, you should know exactly what her idea of a great weekend away would be rather than canvassing ideas from random internet strangers.

I think I would rather be given gift vouchers for Debenhams than clothes etc. So then I could choose myself, but maybe that's just me.

Perfume is good, a spa voucher, flowers. I think I'd be embarrassed by extragance tbh though, I prefer the little and often approach, ie kind gestures all the time, feeling loved etc.

Great that you're doing this though.

Household and family decisions - are these routinely discussed and agreed? Housework and childcare - is this shared equally with both doing their fair share? Money - do both partners have the same disposable income regardless of personal earnings? Recreational time - do both of you get the same amount of time to do your own thing? Communication - do you talk and, more importantly, do you listen? If you do, you should know exactly what her idea of a great weekend away would be rather than canvassing ideas from random internet strangers.

I didn't want to be the one to say it - but making your partner feel special is by not leaving her to do the grunt work and swanning off ot the footie leaving her the official babysitter...not taking her on one off holidays to paper over the cracks.

Ok, let me just pipe up and clear up the whole relationship thing. Our relationship is good, we talk, we fight, we bicker, we discuss, we share the jobs, we both do our equal share round the house, and I’m utterly confused as to why people think I should “help with childcare”. It’s my job people, I’m already on it. I get my boy up every morning, get him ready for the day and walk him to school. My wife picks him up and does tea, then we spend the early evening together. Both of us often work in the evening so we get to spend more time with each other and our son around tea time.

That side of things is cool, we are a good team, so please hang fire on your judgement.

Thanks for the input wooterus 👍 good post

@Cambshusband Unfortunately there are people on MN who automatically assume that every single father in the country is a slacker when it comes to being involved in housework and parenting. Presumably based on their own experience. It's somewhat projecting. It must come as quite a shock to learn that not all men are alike and actually some men are even stay at home dads.

Honestly, OP, if my husband had to come on an Internet forum to ask what the woman he’s known long enough to have a seven year old with would like as a treat, and referred to me as ‘the good lady’, I’d wonder what I was doing with him.

I would appreciate maybe a bottle of perfume but lots of presents would feel over the top.

Hire a cleaner, her favourite wine, books she would love, book a massage at hotel, take her to dinner somewhere extravagant, loads of snacks for watching movies in the room, a new handbag, jewellery. All things I'd appreciate, but without knowing her tastes it's hard to be more specific.

One of the best presents/days I had after DC was born was on my birthday. We've been strapped for cash for ages beforehand and amongst other things we had to forgo haircuts, nice clothes etc.

In the morning we all went for a lovely walk with DP and DC then went for lunch, DP arranged babysitter for DC for the afternoon/evening and didn't tell me what was happening, we went for a mini spa thing (he got it off groupon) where I got an amazing much needed neck and shoulder massage, glass of bubbly and then a great hairdressers for a much overdue haircut (I know sounds naff but it was a big deal considering I've not had anyone come near my hair for over a year at that point) then we went off to get ready and went out for a meal and then cocktails.
He also got me a handbag he saw me eyeing up a few weeks before hand and some lovely thoughtful bits from DC.

I really liked how much planning he put in it and how he made sure I was enjoying myself all day.

We're much better now and don't need to wait for my birthday to get a haircut but it was really lovely at the time.

Really think about her daily life: that's the way the best presents are found.

I'd love a big pot of elastizer by Phillip Kingsley but not everyone would. I'd also like to get to the hotel room to find champagne on ice and a huge bath with lots of lovely Kiehls bath and body stuff.

And a book, a mac makeup voucher, and a booking for a pedicure and reflexology.

But as pp said, onky if it was on the back of a settled home life where I didn't feel resentful that I was the only fucker that out the washing machine on/made the beds/did the food shopping!

Have fun op, it sounds like the makings of a great plan.

Diamonds should do the trick. Dresses say "You dress frumpily", underwear says "I want you to look like my favourite porn star", but diamonds are pretty neutral.

Christ people are quick to jump on their high horses today!

It's a lovely gesture @Cambshusband and if it were me I'd love a book or magazines, my favourite special toiletries, like an expensive bubble bath, face mask, body butter type thing. A lovely scented candle, some chocolate or wine. All so I could have a lovely bubble bath and get ready for a lovely dinner with my dh.

Yes everyday respect and love is essential but special gestures are greatly appreciated!

@shatnerswig

I was expecting a certain amount of missandry dressed up as feminism, and we’ve already got the resident passive aggressive poster on board who just says the opposite of what everyone else thinks.

It’s cool, everyone needs an outlet, I’ll remain all zen-like about it and take on board the other people who are giving sound help and advice 👍

TooTrueToBeGood - absolute, pure gold.
Leisure time, equal split of childcare, money are all the things which make one feel valued EVERY DAY, not just "on an occasion".

As to the OP, others gave good answers. I can only add that I simply don't let anyone to buy my clothes, it's my choice only, so it was a bit strange to read, but I appreciate that your wife may be different and really touched. Why though do you quote the prices? :) I've never in my life met heels from KG or Dune for 11-15 quid ...

@Irmatooth

It’s called “research”. My knowledge of things is not exhaustive, going to the Internet forum is a way of expanding the subject.

It’s like when you buy a sofa. You go to DFS to see what’s available, what trends and options are about. This is the same. The staff at DFS don’t mock you because you’ve been sitting in a sofa all your life and don’t immediately know which one to buy, they assist and advise.

I'd prefer a weekend at a fab hotel, with a gig or two of my favourite bands...or a weekend where we both dig over the allotment and a tonne of non-contaminated manure.

Diamonds - built on the backs of modern day slavery so I'll pass ta.

If my OH called me 'The Good Lady' I'd ask what the fuck was going on.

Don't all women just want an orgasm every time, and fair distribution of the drudgery?