Making her feel special?

[Cambshusband]

So, first post here so bear with.

Our happy (and exhausting) little lad is seven and we’re finally getting into a good place financially. We enjoy a good (if somewhat sporadic) sex life so no complaints there.

I’m conscious that the good lady hasn’t been treating herself over the last few years (and nor have I). So I need some help with ideas!

Being male I default to buying shoes and handbags, but it seems a bit naff as I approach my 40’s.

I was planning on getting a hotel for the weekend and arranging for a load of presents to be there on the bed ready when she gets there.

What’s people’s thoughts? Is it tacky? I’ve already ordered her some new shoes (Debenhams blue cross thank you very much, Kurt Geiger heels for £19 and Dune for £15) and a couple of dresses. Is lingerie just perceived as “I want sex tonight”? I want her to feel a bit special, not pressured to put out.

Look forward to hearing anyone’s thoughts

eh? Shatnerswig is a misandrist? :)

Oh yes, music! A Joni Mitchell CD!

All absolutely sound advice here.

*@ Cambshusband: I don’t want it to be slutty, but then I don’t want it to be plain Jane :)

If she went shopping for her own clothes it’s not really a present is it now?*

You can give her your card, for example. Does she like shopping, or prefers if you buy a dress for her? Some people aren't that bothered about shopping for clothes.

If it's truly an equal relationship then:

Spa weekend
Hire a cottage with a hot tub
Stay in a hotel and book tickets for the theatre

If you truly know her style then I'd buy a handbag or jewellery but not shoes or clothes as they need to be tried on even if you know her size.

Expensive toiletries
Audible subscription
Book voucher if she's a reader
Cocktail making class you can do together or something that's a laugh

But if you struggle for time then getting a cleaner regularly so you can spend more quality time together would be the best present for both of you.

I’m afraid I’m with the majority here - taking her to a hotel and plying her with gifts - yuk, basically. I would definitely feel I was being manipulated. I’m a grown adult, I like to choose my own shoes. The odd little gift here or there just because - lovely. My DP bought me a book for no reason this week, because he thought I’d like it. That was very sweet and I felt loved. But he wasn’t wanting to dress me up in clothes he bought me..... because I’m his partner, not a doll. I love going away and staying in posh hotels btw, that bit is fine, it’s the making it a ridiculous grand ‘treat’ gesture that is off-putting. It’s more about you than her.

Back to basics - you can’t “make” anyone feel anything. People feel how they feel. If you want her to know that you think she’s smart, funny, beautiful, kind, that you love her, appreciate her, think she’s the most smashing wife, amazing mother and generally are in awe of the woman - tell her. What really turns me on is communication and spending time together. If you want to do the hotel thing, I’d most appreciate talking about it and planning where to go/what to do together (but would very happily have you do all the grunt work around it - the booking, transport planning, sorting the animals going to boarding, travel insurance, making sure we come home to a clean house, meal in the freezer/otherwise prepared for Sunday night and uniforms etc ready for the week ahead, all that kind of jazz - otherwise the whole thing is just more work. In reality DP & I split these tasks and plan together).

Btw, for your future reference/general PSA, women’s bra sizes change frequently and many of us aren’t wearing perfect fitting bras, plus often need different sizes in different brands, ideally we should re-fit ourselves every 6-12 months or so. Even if my DP took a peek at the labels in the bras I’m currently wearing it’d be vanishingly unlikely he could buy me something that really fits well and supports me comfortably. So just NO with the buying other people underwear. Nope.

Oh ffs

OP, there are a lot of women on here who will give you grief for this because they’re never happy. You can’t do anything right simply because you’re a man. They’re probably very miserable in their relationships so don’t take any of the criticism to heart

If you know your partner would love this then do it. If I was a man I wouldn’t bother asking mumsnet. If you’d said you were a lesbian then you probably wouldn’t have have received negative replies

So yeah go ahead and do this. If you think she’d like it then it sounds lovely

OP, there are a lot of women on here who will give you grief for this because they’re never happy. You can’t do anything right simply because you’re a man. They’re probably very miserable in their relationships so don’t take any of the criticism to heart

There are alot of women on here who this that the OP's 'good lady' wife might be able to choose her own clothes you mean? Yes that can happen when asking women an open question.

I am in a straight relationship and very happy thanks. As you were.

If you know your partner would love this then do it.
If he knows what his partner wants, what's he doing asking a bunch of people who've never met her what she wants? rofl

You know her better than us, OP!

For me, jewellery and somewhere lovely to where it out to spending some quality time together would float my boat the most.

How very thoughtful of you to notice she hasn't been treating herself and want to do something about it. You sound like a lovely husband.

Whilst I can see that you are crowdsourcing ideas; be careful that you keep her in mind. For example, I'd love lingerie and I don't like shipping; so I'd be happy with that if the sizing was right and things fitted! I'd prefer a massage to any type of self pampering stuff. I love planning holidays with my DP...

But I'm not your wife; so you need to pick things that you're confident she'll like. Her friends might be better people to ask; if you're stuck.

Ok, a little further clarification. I’m not apologising for liking my wife to look good, she’s a sexy woman and I’m proud to be with her. Calling her “the good lady”? That’s just our thing, and it’s a compliment. Maybe not in pseudo-politically correct values but I wonder how many of you would take issue with her calling me chunky all the time as it’s demeaning to my broad shouldered physique, oh how I cry myself to sleep about it.

And I do know her very well, asking for advice and opinions is, let’s say, marital CPD.

Her friends might be better people to ask

Or her! Ask her!

I'd love a night in a hotel alone, loads of magazines on the bed and chocolates and bubble bath - all that time just by myself quiet - couold watch telly and get room service and a Giftcard for a dept store to go and treat myself the next day with what clothes/accessories lingerie/ cosmetics I picked out for myself.
That would be my ideal present

OP - calling her “the good lady” may be a thing between the two of you - fine, we all have pet names for each other, which you’re right often involve negative descriptions, true or exaggerated.

But this context isn’t between the two of you, this is in a public forum where you are talking openly to a lot of women (and non-women) who you don’t know, and you refer to her essentially as an idealised object (“the”). Surely you can see that isn’t particularly flattering or indicating that you see her as an independent human being - I mean, hopefully you do - it just comes across as wanting to impress with how funny you are or something. And it’s not impressive to most of us here, I imagine.

Next you'll be calling her "the good lady her indoors"

My husband paints my toenails from time to time. It's not perfect, but it's a lovely gesture and we spend time chatting at the same time. He also gets me random gifts... he recently got me a recorder, as I used to play as a child, and had found my old one at my parents house and started playing it. It was thoughtful. A book / kindle book is also a great idea - as well as time to read it!

Harry Enfield was a pisstake, not a guidebook.

The hotel stay sounds good. I would spread out the presents rather than have a load of stuff all at once. Also, would she enjoy a break away on her own or with a friend as well as with you?

What's elastiser ?

@serendipidy,

I don’t need to impress anyone but her, so please, calm down and be happy that two people are actually in a good relationship and contribute positively to the thread like so many other people have. Or don’t, it’s up to you.

I find it baffling that when someone comes here clearly trying to do a good thing, people like you can only extrapolate negativity.

Bloody lovely idea lad.

If it were my DH planning this (ho hum - he seems to thnk shovelling my horse's shit is a lasting sign of true love and devotion ), I'd like:
the gesture on its own;
bath stuff;
book by favourite author or in my preferred genre;
clothes are a nice touch, so long as not OTT stylewise;
flowers;
munchies of choice,

and the finishing touch - the peace and quiet to enjoy it all

Some folks like the spa treatments, a massage, beauty session. Not my cuppa but you'll know if it's your wife's thing.

Go. Enjoy. Have fun.

Ladies calm down - I am just trying to do a Good Thing for the good lady wife. I want to shower her with presents, buy her clothes for her, and it isn't about sex at all.

Right ho.

Well i would be well chuffed if my husband did this for me. I would add some Liz earle goodies to the list. Have a lovely weekend

I think a load of presents on top of a hotel stay is complete overkill so I'm going to suggest you keep the shoes hidden until next birthday/xmas.

Instead of gifts, buy an experience. I love animals - I'd love to get one of those "be a zookeeper for a day" things, or visiting a wolf sanctuary or going falconing.

If she's sporty, maybe something like an archery class? (Not if she has big boobs. It's ridiculously painful then.)

Alternatively, find a really, really good restaurant and take her there. Go on TripAdvisor and just look for Restaurants in X town and then filter to the category of fine dining.

I hope you both have a great time!

BTW I cringed at "the good lady" too. In my head all I could hear was Boycie from Only Fools and Horses...

@Mozart surely shovelling shit for you is a lasting sign of love and devotion! My husband won't touch my cats' litter box!

I think a few on here have made their point now. For whatever reason they've taken exception to this man trying to do something nice for his wife, have made their feelings known which is fair enough as OP did ask for general opinions on his plans, but to keep posting seems excessive and bitter.

OP, you've inspired me. We've had a busy busy time lately. I'm off to book a night away in a hotel to treat my husband. Might skip the Kurt Geigers though.