New husband cheating and she's pregnant!

[Dtb27]

I am so happy I found this forum. I have never felt so low as my heart has been crushed just recently and still struggling to come to terms with the fact it’s actually done. I am letting you know my story so that you all know your not alone and hope some of you girls / guys can reassure me that it does get better
Here goes.......

I am 27 and was with my now husband for 9 years, married actually only 39 days!. At the beginning of our relationship he wasn’t perfect but forgave him and ended up having an amazing relationship. Travelled, had a big circle of friends, didn’t argue, no abuse just happy. Even moved away from our family area which I never thought he would do as was a right homebird but he did and was enjoying it. Neither of us had children (he is 30) and we lived life how we enjoyed.
In November 2016 he popped the question and I agreed to be his wife, amazing or so I thought. We started planning the wedding and discussed starting a family. I think the wedding took over and he couldn't stand being second best to that for a while....pathetic. I came off the pill in January in hopes that after we were married we could set off married life and become a family which we had always discussed and dreamed about.
In March he left for his stag doo where he met someone and started an affair with this girl (she is 34 and knew he was the stag getting married) after the stag I saw a change in his behaviour and started to question things I asked him if there was someone else and he said no he just had cold feet and was scared as everything was starting to happen, getting married, trying for a baby and buying a home together. All reasonable excuses I thought. Well we ended up getting married on 20th April 2018 and had the most amazing day, everything went back to normal and enjoyed a couple of weeks together before going on our incredible honeymoon. A week and a half after the honeymoon he told he had been sleeping with someone and she is pregnant! I chucked him out and can honestly say it’s been the worst and most heartbreaking thing I have ever felt. He moved in to a house we had been renting out and was saying all the right things. Then all of a sudden he changed his mind and said he wanted to be apart of the babies life. I said I didn’t think I could handle it but said I would maybe try. This girl hid behind friends and got them to send me messages with all there dirty secrets saying he had even called her on our wedding night and knew about the baby before the wedding which he denies of course. She said such hurtful things and I just deleted them and never replied. He said that the only reason he promised her these things like he would be with her was to keep her quiet and so she wouldn't tell me. He went to the scan with her and he then decided he wanted to be with her and raise this baby. 2 days after the scan he messaged saying how much he loves me and now his dreams have been shattered from his own stupidity. Kept saying he loves me but things wouldn't be the same and he is dead right. Then said he was going to be with her! When he told me that I think that was like a dagger to my heart actually said if he wasn’t going to be there then he would miss the baby’s first steps. I screamed it should have been us! Never had so much emotion at once and he burst out crying and sobbing (which he never does not even when his dad passed away and they were close) he then text the next day saying he knows it should have been us he can't get my words out of his head but knows we couldn't be repaired. Just can't believe my husband is with someone he has known 3 months! Bearing in mind a month of that he hadn’t seen her. He agrees and said I know it was never meant to be like this I wanted a family with you but to much damage has been done your family will hate me blah blah all me me me basically. I have put a post on Facebook that just said when you find out your husband is a lying cheating scumbag apparently I was publicly humiliated him and now it wouldnt be the same. He is right cause now all my family know and he knows he would never be accepted. between us maybe we couldn't work. I have advised him that he was a compulsive liar as she uploaded a pic of them walking her dog together when apparently he was down town sorting thus
We have now cut contact and he is going full steam ahead with this girl. Everyday is a struggle for me and I literally can’t stop crying I feel my hands are tied and there’s nothing I can do. All I want is for him to say it will all be okay but I know that won’t happen and can’t. He has said he loved me and made a mistake that back fired on him greatly and he has to step up. I feel like I have failed as I didn’t have a baby with him, I feel so unattractive, I feel mugged off. All the while there getting on with it. Just struggling how to move forward? I know that the baby is due in Jan and I don’t want to put life my on hold being heartbroken and miserable. How do I move forward?
Thanks for reading my long ass story but just needed to get it off my chest. Stay strong and positive ladies xx

Hi op. Stay strong. Their behaviour is truly trashy and you sound as though you're keeping your dignity as much as possible under awful circumstances.

Keep reminding everyone you know not to tell you about what they see or hear about these two. If you do hear anything, say you don't want to hear any more and have some mantras that you say to yourself, like "this is all pretence, this is a relationship that comes out of lies, this is a relationship that he's been forced into. This isn't even a relationship, it's a fling, and they've been flung together through circumstance."
What they are doing through social media is trying to justify their relationship, trying to make it real to everyone and especially themselves. Posting baby scans is what people do in long term, established relationships. They don't have a proper relationship, so they are trying to manufacture one, making it look real to everyone and trying to convince themselves too.. You can be assured that everyone will be thinking what a sham these facebook posts are. They both know that what they have together is built on quicksand and so they are trying to prove it's worthwhile. They're foolng nobody they look desperate.

Hard as it is, keep your head held high and be assured that it will be a very different story for them behind closed doors. Their behaviour is absolutely shameful.
Keep posting on here and getting support from family.
One day in the future you will have your own family and your children will come from love and a relationship that is built on love, trust and respect.

wish him well (sincerely) and buy the baby a new hat/mittens etc

Kids, stay away from drugs

OP, please come away from social media. It's like picking at a raw wound and will do nothing to help you in the long run. Social media by default causes us to feel bad about ourselves, in an acutely painful time like this, it might cause you to become ill

Every time you're tempted to go on SM, write a nice little note for yourself about something nice you've done for yourself, or something you've got to look forward to.

I would also send a message to close friends and relatives that you do not want any information about them or what they're doing relayed to you

oh sweetheart :(. im so sorry.

it wont last. they dont know each other and are about to embark on the most stressful time of their lives. that baby will rip them apart.

everyone is judging him. everyone knows what he did and everyone can work out the date maths and figure what he did to you. his reputation for life is fucked. he has embarassed his family and his friends wont trust him.

she is starting a "new life" with him with a cloud over her. she knows what people know and what people think of her. she also knows HE MARRIED YOU. she knows what hes said about the baby and her. and she knows that, if she didnt trap him, he would be sat in your house with a ring on his finger right now.

she is posting things because she is insecure. she is staking claim to him to make her life not look like a circus shitshow with a slag for its main clown.

walk away. head held high. dont give them the satisfaction to see you crumble. cry, eat chocolate and grieve. all in private. and when you're stronger, you will meet your forever person. he wont be a cheater. he wont be a liar. you will have a house, marriage and babies with someone while hes seeing his child in half term because its mother took it back to the isle of wight when he leaves her or tells her (for the 100th time) that shes ruined his life in an argument.

Thank you so much, the last 3 reply's have really helped me today through my low moments. I just re-read what you have said and your so right! When your upset you don't think logically you think with your heart and not your head. Something that has really made me think is that it is
a manufactured relationship that's so true...I know deep down that if she wasn't pregnant he wouldn't be there and I think that's the only thing getting me through. I hate the fact I find myself here wondering if he is thinking about me or whether I have entered his head at all! Whether he misses me. I used to think he would but now I feel like I don't even know him.
I also think she is insecure, I think she still finds me a threat. I think she knows deep down he is only with her because of the baby, especially as when it all came out he was telling her he didn't want anything to do with her or the baby so she won't be able to let go of that however much she tries.
I can't believe how one minute there with you and in the blink of an eye there gone as if you as a couple never happened. I think I like to think our relationship meant more and wasn't that easy to forget Another day Down and it's been mostly positive and it's all thank to you guys and comments so thank you . It's so nice to just get everything off your mind that's been building xx

What they are doing through social media is trying to justify their relationship, trying to make it real to everyone and especially themselves. Posting baby scans is what people do in long term, established relationships. They don't have a proper relationship, so they are trying to manufacture one, making it look real to everyone and trying to convince themselves too.. You can be assured that everyone will be thinking what a sham these facebook posts are

this with Bells on...

In a way..it's better she's pregnant...because you'd have never known he cheated otherwise and he would have continued with the facade.

You may not think that now, but better to know before you had a child with him yourself.

He's nothing but a joke.

I am really struggling today, didn't even want to get out of bed this morning. It all sort of came to ahead yesterday when I spoke to him for about 25 minutes. I asked him where his compassion was for letting her upload the scan picture and he said he thought it was private hasn't realised she had made it public. I let out a lot of what I had been thinking and feeling and he did seem to care. He just keep saying what can he do he made his bed he has to lie in it. He has now changed his hair and his thoughts honestly don't feel like there his own. It's weird.
His friends even have said they think he has lost the plot! I feel like he is doing anything to make this girl happy just so she won't run off with the baby. I said you could have picked someone better she is ugly and he laughed ( not a laugh at me but more like he agreed)
I just really struggling to accept the whole situation. Main thing being him having a baby and then next him actually not being with me.
I just want to move on and be happy but seems like I just can't get him out of my head! It's driving me crazy x

I think you need to cut contact with him OP. He's on a self destructive path that is all of his own making. Please do not even think of being there for him where it all goes tits up.

Focus on you. Build yourself a good life without him. Do things that make you happy, that get you through the day. Plan ahead for some 'treats' (holidays, concerts, theatre trips) that you can think about in the tough times.

He’s bound to be in your head. You’ve only just got married! I think it will take you some time to get your head round it as the shock must be all-consuming. I wouldn’t speak to him again either.

Oh op I’m so sorry you are going through this but as other pp have said you really need to cut all contact with him a now. Speaking to him is like licking a scab, it might feel good when you do it, but it stops it from healing and will leave a bigger scar.

Leave him to his bed, itsnow none of your concern. Start to make a new bed for yourself without him in it

Op I really feel for you, he is a cunt! I urge you not to speak to him anymore , block him on everything , talking to him will only slow down recovery process. If you have things to discuss (such as house etc) i’d do it all through a solicitor .

Try to train your mind not to think of him, I know this is far easier said then done or whenever you catch yourself starting to think about him, distract yourself , watch a tv programme (ideally not romance related , I’ve found that grim murder documentaries are really good at doing this lol ) or pick up a decent book. Start thinking about little projects that you may have wanted to start but never had the time . For me it was getting my fitness levels back up , designing an app and sorting out my spare bedroom .

You are far better off without this man, if he can cheat on you he will cheat again! She has won no prize . Let karma deal with them both.

I echo other people’s recommendations on shutting down social media , I’ve done that too and feel so much better for it . Let’s face it social media is just merely a shop front and isn’t a representive of how happy someone is or isn’t .

Sending you strength and positive thoughts you will get through this xxx

What a pair of rotten cunts!

You do not need that shit op.

Onwards and upwards

I think you need to formally agree a route of contact (eg through dad ot stepmum or something). So that you dont have to talk to him. Really theres no need for contact at all unless you have any of his stuff, etc? Once you start divorce proceedings, it can be via solicitors.

The three people involved are in these situation.

Person 1: partner lied and cheated and then left them/they chucked them out. Theyre alone now trying to make sense of it all. Life ahead of them but the last 9 years feel like theyve been stolen.

Person 2: cheated on their fiance. Got married anyway. Accidentally got someone they barely know pregnant, now is having to jump straight into a relationship with them. Will be tied to this woman forever who is practically a stranger and who he already knows may one day up and leave with his child. Probably feels like their entire future has been stolen.

Person 3: was an affair partner (basically). Got pregnant with a guy she barely knows. He went ahead and married someone else!! Guy is with her out of duty now. Doesnt appear to respect her (laughing at someone calling her ugly). Guy is liable to leave at any time. Relationship is pretty doomed.

Im not saying any of those situations are nice but I would much rather be in your shoes!

Youve been with this guy your entire adult life. Youre young and child free, theres a lot about life which you can enjoy which you might not have before. I know it wont seem like that, but you will appreciate it when youre at a stage where you can. Try and do something for yourself every few days that you wouldnt normally.

I got so upset reading your post, I just want to give you a big hug!! Please know that NONE of this is your fault, cry and upset as much as you want but if you ever see him again you make sure you have your head held high and make him see how happy you are even if you're dying inside! You're so brave and strong for going through something as heartbreaking as this. This will be a blessing in disguise and somewhere along the line when you start to heel you will find someone so amazing that couldn't imagine hurting you. xx

what a terrible story :( You really should try to stay away from him or next thing you know he'll have sucked you back again and you'll end up as his "OW" don't do that whatever you do and be thankful you're not pregnant by that prick aswell!

OP I am so incredibly sorry for you. This is an awful situation.

I agree with the others, he's a bastard of the highest order. You need to cut contact with him as you are only hurting yourself with this.

You also need to stay off social media or at least block everything to do with them. For your own sanity.
You then need to see a solicitor asap and start sorting out the practicalities of putting all of this behind you. There is no relationship to save or go back to, think of it like a plaster, you need to rip it off in one go as pulling it bit by bit just makes the pain worse and last longer.

Legally speaking, as others have said, it doesn't matter that the marriage was consummated, it was still a "defective" marriage and therefore voidable because he was having an affair and had already got another woman pregnant.

If either of you wished to divorce, you cannot divorce within the first year of the marriage, so you would have to wait.

Just RTWT and would like to add that had none of this come to light you would still be in a relationship with a man who could and would cheat on you without a second thought.

Emotionally healthy, ethical people only have one LTR going at a time.

Every day you were with this cheating bastard is a day you're not out there finding the lovely man with whom you'll create a happy marriage and family. Perhaps think of your Ex as blotting out the light?

I am going to see a solicitor on Monday to see what my options are. I want to do what is financially best for myself as I am owed something out of all of this shit surely lol
I have come off SM and hoping that will help with me moving forwarding.
I think because he has a distraction it's easier for him, whilst I am sat alone feeling really hard done by. Beating myself up I know I should as I haven't done anything wrong. just can't seem to snap out of it. I hope there relationship fails and I hope it eats away at her and him. Think it will eat away at her as she deep down knows he is only there because of this baby. Plus she has seen text from him to me basically saying it out right. I know I shouldn't care and just let them get on with it but the anger is just sitting in my stomach. Thank you once again for all your advice and pulling me up when I have felt so down x

Happened to me too OP. I only found out when she about 5 months pregnant, and to make matters worse I had just found I was pregnant too,....

I agree with a PP that in a way the OW's pregnancy makes it easier as it's such a terrible thing to do you know you have to move on, and drop your husband like a hot stone.

I cut all contact with my Ex Husband, only communicated through solicitors, and even now 6 years on have never seen him since and he has never seen 'our' son. Life is good, a damn sight better without him.

I know it's awful at first, but you will in future see this as a blessing, trust me. x

Of course you feel down, Dtb27. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. And everyone here sympathizes.

Try taking a leaf out of my book. I'm a very long time sober alcoholic. Since I got sober I've used the AA teaching of one day at a time for tough times that had nothing to do with drink.
.
If it worked for me during the year my DH was slowly dying from cancer while our DC were still at primary school, it can work for you. Trust that this too will pass. It will. And you have happiness ahead.

Stop thinking of him as a prize that she has won. He fucking cheated on you, yeh?
He is weak and useless and you are good.

You can walk away, he can't, hes dug himself a great big hole and he knows it. Don't contact him, no good will come from that.

Dtb27, this time next year things will be different. It happened to someone very close to me. You need to get a legal seperation and then you can divorce 12 months after that. (Scotland anyway). I know it’s difficult because you still love him but too much damage has been done. You are worth more than this.

What a pair of turds. They deserve each other. I pity that infant.

He treated you terribly, i would cut contact with him and if he starts talking about poor him, he is with her just because of the baby then i would tell him he made his skanky bed and now has to lie in it. I bet he is enjoying the attention of you as well OP, the turd sounds like he enjoys boosting his own ego.

Agree with Whisky2014. If he is the prize, he's the booby prize!