New husband cheating and she's pregnant!

[Dtb27]

I am so happy I found this forum. I have never felt so low as my heart has been crushed just recently and still struggling to come to terms with the fact it’s actually done. I am letting you know my story so that you all know your not alone and hope some of you girls / guys can reassure me that it does get better
Here goes.......

I am 27 and was with my now husband for 9 years, married actually only 39 days!. At the beginning of our relationship he wasn’t perfect but forgave him and ended up having an amazing relationship. Travelled, had a big circle of friends, didn’t argue, no abuse just happy. Even moved away from our family area which I never thought he would do as was a right homebird but he did and was enjoying it. Neither of us had children (he is 30) and we lived life how we enjoyed.
In November 2016 he popped the question and I agreed to be his wife, amazing or so I thought. We started planning the wedding and discussed starting a family. I think the wedding took over and he couldn't stand being second best to that for a while....pathetic. I came off the pill in January in hopes that after we were married we could set off married life and become a family which we had always discussed and dreamed about.
In March he left for his stag doo where he met someone and started an affair with this girl (she is 34 and knew he was the stag getting married) after the stag I saw a change in his behaviour and started to question things I asked him if there was someone else and he said no he just had cold feet and was scared as everything was starting to happen, getting married, trying for a baby and buying a home together. All reasonable excuses I thought. Well we ended up getting married on 20th April 2018 and had the most amazing day, everything went back to normal and enjoyed a couple of weeks together before going on our incredible honeymoon. A week and a half after the honeymoon he told he had been sleeping with someone and she is pregnant! I chucked him out and can honestly say it’s been the worst and most heartbreaking thing I have ever felt. He moved in to a house we had been renting out and was saying all the right things. Then all of a sudden he changed his mind and said he wanted to be apart of the babies life. I said I didn’t think I could handle it but said I would maybe try. This girl hid behind friends and got them to send me messages with all there dirty secrets saying he had even called her on our wedding night and knew about the baby before the wedding which he denies of course. She said such hurtful things and I just deleted them and never replied. He said that the only reason he promised her these things like he would be with her was to keep her quiet and so she wouldn't tell me. He went to the scan with her and he then decided he wanted to be with her and raise this baby. 2 days after the scan he messaged saying how much he loves me and now his dreams have been shattered from his own stupidity. Kept saying he loves me but things wouldn't be the same and he is dead right. Then said he was going to be with her! When he told me that I think that was like a dagger to my heart actually said if he wasn’t going to be there then he would miss the baby’s first steps. I screamed it should have been us! Never had so much emotion at once and he burst out crying and sobbing (which he never does not even when his dad passed away and they were close) he then text the next day saying he knows it should have been us he can't get my words out of his head but knows we couldn't be repaired. Just can't believe my husband is with someone he has known 3 months! Bearing in mind a month of that he hadn’t seen her. He agrees and said I know it was never meant to be like this I wanted a family with you but to much damage has been done your family will hate me blah blah all me me me basically. I have put a post on Facebook that just said when you find out your husband is a lying cheating scumbag apparently I was publicly humiliated him and now it wouldnt be the same. He is right cause now all my family know and he knows he would never be accepted. between us maybe we couldn't work. I have advised him that he was a compulsive liar as she uploaded a pic of them walking her dog together when apparently he was down town sorting thus
We have now cut contact and he is going full steam ahead with this girl. Everyday is a struggle for me and I literally can’t stop crying I feel my hands are tied and there’s nothing I can do. All I want is for him to say it will all be okay but I know that won’t happen and can’t. He has said he loved me and made a mistake that back fired on him greatly and he has to step up. I feel like I have failed as I didn’t have a baby with him, I feel so unattractive, I feel mugged off. All the while there getting on with it. Just struggling how to move forward? I know that the baby is due in Jan and I don’t want to put life my on hold being heartbroken and miserable. How do I move forward?
Thanks for reading my long ass story but just needed to get it off my chest. Stay strong and positive ladies xx

I'm pretty sure you'll have a case for annullment, OP. What a wanker. It may not seem like it now, but there are so many better times ahead for you

made me feel better that people were commenting say you left your wife for that?

Love it.

Non consumation of marriage is not the only grounds for annulment. Perhaps you can go for fraud.

He married you under false pretence of being faithful...ad he entered the marriage he had already been unfaithful.

fraud--one spouse makes false statements, and the other spouse agrees to marry based on a belief that the statements were true

Had you known he had essentially started a relationship with another woman prior to marrying you, you wouldn't have married him.

He's a sorry excuse for a man...let alone a husband.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, he sounds like a nob.

It’s going to get better, not right now but it will. You just need to be strong and remind yourself you deserve better.

I know it’s hard but it’s his loss and he won’t be the man this new girl wants him to be, if he can cheat with her, he will surely cheat on her.

Just take each day as it comes, it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to have bad days.

I really feel for you. Lots of love. Xx

He is an arse. I'd tell him you can annul or divorce. With divorce it will cost him more.

I read in your post there is a rental property. You have been with this arse for 9 years. Make sure you get everything that was yours. Divorce might be the better option financially.

Op I'm so sorry. Unfortunately as you can see from these responses - youre not the first and you wont be the last. I don't know what type of person does this to people, i really dont. My own story is while looking after our 11 month old and pregnant with our second baby my exdh was cheating in our marital bed. I kicked him out and he went awol. I gave birth and brought the kids up without him.

Yes after some time he begged to come back but i stayed strong and we've had very little to do with him.

Op i cant describe the pain. I know how you are feeling right niw. I could've died quite happily. But please be strong, stay away from both of those arseholes, lean on your family and friends. Speak the truth, dont cover up for them.

I honestly believe your life will be awesome if you give it time. 18 months after this happened to me i met my new dh. He has raised my kids as his own since age 1 and 2, we have been together 12 years and he is the best human i know. His family too are the best. We also have another dc together and i know you will have the same happiness in your future if you can just carry on being the strong amazing person your posts show you to be. I wasn't on munsnet in those days it would've helped me no end. But I'm proud that the way i handled the situation is in line with munsnet advice. Stay here and get that support

Oh sweetheart. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but, if this is a game, you’ve just won the jackpot.

You haven’t wasted the best years of your life married to a lying fuckwit. You haven’t had children with him. You haven’t had to live for years in the dark while he’s a part time dad to someone else’s child you know nothing about.

Think about him. He’s met some woman while pissed who he barely knows and has immediately gotten her pregnant. They don’t know each other. Their lives are going to be hell, I just hope the poor innocent child isn’t a casualty of their stupidity (has he never heard of condoms, FFS?). He is going to regret being led by his dick for the rest of his life, while you get to go on and meet someone who’s worthy of you and never look back.

You win.

Get yourself to a solicitor and an STI clinic, block him everywhere and if he finds other ways of getting to you, ignore him.

He’s done you a favour, I just wish he’d done it in a less painful way!

*CambridgeAnaglypta

Wait til he's up at 3am with a screaming child - nothing like shitty nappy to spoil the romance*

^ 1000 TIMES THIS!

OP have you made an appointment at the sexual health clinic?
His unprotected sex could have passed something onto you.

No I haven't made an appointment at the sti clinic but I will. Should have done it before but been so wrapped up in the pain that I haven't been able to do anything really. Functioning has been a struggle in itself.
However due to this forum and this post I had the best day I have had so far yesterday. Even managed to have a laughing fit! Yay. Step in the right direction.

Just to clarify he didn't just sleep with this girl once he met her about 6 times before we got married then was messaging her while we was on our honeymoon. So wasn't just a one night stand. Can't help but think is this what he wanted and actually wanted to be with her? The only thing that makes me think he didn't is that if you really loved the OW why not call off the wedding and run off with her? She lives about 2 hours away and don't know her from Adam so could have ran off in to the night. The second reason I don't think he wanted to actually be with her is because when this first came out he told her he wanted nothing to do with her or this baby and she was going mad hence why I received so many messages from her friends. She was trying to make me hate him so she could have him.
Her family live in the Isle of Wight and she basically said to him if your not going to be with me then I will have to move there for support which would be a lot of travelling for him to see the child ( making it difficult) I told him this was a threat but he said no she is thinking about it. Won't have a bad word said about her but suppose that's because his pride won't let him believe she isn't this nice person he thought she was. Trapped him and forced his hand, I really believe that if she wasn't pregnant he would be begging for me back. Keep the reply posts coming as they really are helping take my mind off things and making me feel empowered xx

It won't be long until you meet someone, you're young with no ties, having trips away together etc and he'll be tied down with his ugly homewrecker and shitty nappies and very limited freedom. You can wave him off happily! What an awful, selfish cocksplat he is. I'll say it again, you've had a lucky escape and definitely better times ahead for you! Glad you're feeling more upbeat

Op what do you think you would have done if you had found out about this woman and her pregnancy but he had begged for forgiveness and said it was a mistake? Would you choose to stay with him?

Dont fall in to the trap of becoming his sympathetic ear, someone he can moan too and tell all his woes too. It's easy to get caught out like this, they use your love for them as a way to keep you around.

He is not your friend remember, if she wasn't upduffed he would still be shagging around behind your back, she wasn't the first she wouldn't have been the last.

The guy you thought you knew, never existed, the soppy I'm so sorry I've fucked up, is a ruse.

See a solicitor about the annulment. Not consummating the marriage is not the only reason.

I'd start preparing yourself for the flaky people who will do couply things with them, tag them on nights out etc. It stung when it happened to me but helped me know who I could trust. Unfortunately people like your ex and OW will brazen it out

As others have said definitely consider a nice holiday in Jan if you can afford it.

Any baby is like a grenade in any relationship. You can't put an Instagram filter on shitty nappies, colic, stress incontinence and sleep deprivation

My ex left me for OW and it was years later I saw she has a public social media profile. The sexy, vivacious, fiesty woman he left me for turned into a vision of what his perfect woman should look like. He had been trying to do the same to me, but didn't succeed. For that reason she got, and deserved the booby prize

It may not feel like it OP but you are the winner here. You have found out your planned life partner is a cheating shit before you are tied to him for life with children and whilst you are young enough to move in and be happy with a genuinely good man.

Your ex is now trapped having a child with a woman he barely knows and does not love. The OW is now having a child with a known liar and cheater. Having a baby is hard enough and a strain on a long forged, healthy relationship. The likelihood of these two living happily ever after is slim to none.

You must stay strong though OP, I'd be incredibly surprised if he didn't come crawling back once the baby is born and the reality of the situation kicks in. Do not take him back under any circumstances.

I don't see how this wouldn't qualify for an annulment when he had no intention to be faithful to you as per the marriage vows. He was having an affair upon entering the marriage.

Does his family know about this? I'd be so ashamed if he was a son or brother of mine. What a disgrace of a man he is...disgrace of a human being even.

I do hope you can erase this marriage. Sadly this man is as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Most pathetic he is. Shame on him.

OP, don’t even waste your energy thinking what could have been...
You have been together 9 years and have assets together.
Before you head for an annulment, just check with a solicitor to check that you may be better off financially if it is a divorce; therefore splitting of the assets.
If you put more money into the joint pot, I suspect annulment would be better for you. If he put more money in, go for divorce.

I thought the op said she had been advised that she couldn’t get an annulment.

From what I have read online I can't get the marriage annulled but am going to speak to a solicitor soon and seek proper legal advice. I think it maybe financially better to get divorced. I don't think he can divorce me for 2 years as has no grounds to divorce me on.

Feel strong today so this is day 2 of no tears. Let's hope it stays that way and its only up from here. I really believe this thread has kept me going and kept me feeling empowered.

I feel angry, I feel like he now doesn't believe he has done anything wrong it's making my blood boil. Just finding it hard to see how he could be so cruel and heartless? Someone I genuinely thought loved me. Honestly before this we were such a solid unit, I just can't believe he has thrown everything away. I feel dumbfounded like the whole thing sounds like a bloody made up story. Can't believe this is actually happening to me and someone I loved unconditionally would do this to me xx

That has got to be one of the most heart-wrenching things I've heard on relationship thread.

Who treats another human being like that, let alone a wife.

I'm speechless!

Dear Dtb the pain will come and go in waves and frequently to start with. As the times pass the frequency will go down and the pain less and less acute...give yourself time to mourn this relationship. Be sad. Cry. Absolutely normal. You have been together for so long and in a blink of an eye she made him do the unthinkable...please keep your head high despite the immense hurt. There is an innocent child. It is to his credit that he does not abandon the child. You can as at now wish them the worst but work on yourself to forgive them (that does not mean you take him back). Rejoice he did it before you have kids (that eouldhave complicated everything) and whilst you are still young. Use this break up and trauma to find yourself back. Resume the stuff you stopped doing because of your relationship (reading/conema/riding/long walks/girls night's out etc); start A new hobby and courses...you will see with the time that the immense trauma you are going through is helping you reconnecting of your inner self ...It is your rebirth...about FB: make sure that only your friends can see your posts; block the people that might hurt you; avoid trying to get news about them...for you he died and she is just a bad accident....again mourn him and your marriage and go forward...you are strong and well surrounded:you will not only survive you will love YOUR life on your terms to the FULL...it is tough...it will get tougher but it will eventually start settling and you will rebuild your life...

Ok blokes perspective here.
I dont often reply to threads but this one struck me.
When I was 21, i was about to propose and was living the dream of the big wedding, kids blah blah (at 21! FFS!) then found out she cheated. Went with my gut instinct that although she was terribly sorry, i could find no way to truly forgive her. I spoke to various people who said she just made a mistake, its not her fault, or some other BS but decided to finish with her as the only way i could regain my happines was arguing or cheating back on her. Then she started trying to get to me when we were out with the same mutual friends, flirting with my mates etc taking it to such an extreme that she slept with the guy in the room next to me (i was a student). Clearly she was trying to make me jelous which it did but i never lowered myself to arguing with her (or punching the guy in the next room) although i retained some real bitterness, but instead just said i wish them all the best.
Then she got really upset with me for being so 'heartless' and wanted to know whatever she could do to get back together she would do. I told her to concentrate on her new life with my housemate, who in the process of being dumped was getting very upset with her, with me, with the world etc. I ended up almost like a counsellor for them until it became completely untenable....they fell out and i just kept my distance.
I have to admit i felt empowered by her grovelling back to me but i think you would agree she was a nightmare (but my initial love was blind and couldnt see....Chaucer)
Roll it on 8 years and it happens again. I knew her backstory ( which hadn't been easy) but my steady girlfriend cheated on me (she was drunk apparently) and the experience I had at 21 said to me ...just walk away from her....which may seem harsh to some.
As history repeats itself....again she almost begged forgiveness and then blamed me for being non commital (at 29!).
So then I became a bit hardened by life, dare I say cynical, maybe a bit dissilusioned , a little misogynistic and a bit bigoted against women. I did nothing wrong but I kissed a few frogettes etc (although never lied to them). I travelled and met some great people, went out with a couple of worldly girls who were in a similar place to me. I really liked one of them (from NZ) but hey ho....it wasn't meant to be. But it was this period that changed me for the better and I am so thankful now that I was dumped at 21 and 29. Yes my ego was hurt and I didn't want to face my family and friends. It would have been easy to become a victim and say that I could never trust anyone again but now i have been married for 11 years, have 3 kids and have never looked back except to smile.....because I maintained my integrity throughout and I know that I am so lucky today because of those supposedly negative things that happened years ago.
My now wife had a similar backstory, she got cheated on when she was engaged to a guy she had been dating for 15 years, I met her aged 33 and we got married 3 years later (without any pretentious boll-@ockz of a big wedding)
So i know your ego is hurting (you wouldn't be human if it didnt) but try to remember that there is a completely defenceless baby coming into this world who needs all the love and support every baby needs. It is going to be very difficult for your ex over the next couple of years with sleepless nights, tantrums etc and with a woman who he may feel trapped by. His finances and easy life are effectively over because he behaved like an arse (he will be very regrettful for atleast 5 years) but you must be above it and be kind to the baby above your own needs.
If he tries to get back with you, remind him, he has a baby to feed, and a roof to keep above his/her head, wish him well (sincerely) and buy the baby a new hat/mittens etc
but the reality is that you are relatively unscathed so please just go and live your life......and I promise you will never look back except to say 'thank god!'

Wow Daddybedood, what a gracious, insightful post.
There’s your advice OP, especially about the baby

😂 high fives curly

Divorce the cunt for adultery and walk away with your head held high. He will realise what he has lost and soon enough you will realise you have had a very very lucky escape. There are good men out there, he isn’t one and never was.