Questions for other woman

[TheMonkeyMummy]

Asking for a friend, but if you have one chance to ask (non aggressive, no one wants a shouting match) questions, what would you ask?

I can't think beyond was it worth it, what did you think the outcome would be and did you ever think about your families.

You can insult me all you like, if it is what you need to do. You don't actually know enough about me to make an accurate conclusion on the subject. So it's pretty hard to be offended by your opinion.

Djnoun, you are coming across in a very much less than pleasant way.

Djnoun the relationship won't have cooled down solely due to lack of sex. That's just a line the man says to get what he wants. I get some of what you're saying..people fall out of love all the time. It's not a sin. But to believe lack of sex is big cause for cheating is just plain naive. It's such a standard line.

Also relationship not being "easy" to end isn't a reason for not ending it. A lot of people don't remain married for life. Or they marry more than once. They manage.

Men who cheat mostly want "new sex" and that's it. Dont tell yourself that means they've left the "usual sex" behind. They haven't. Of course there'll be cases where W no longer wants sex but those cases are rarer.

djnoun I don't care if it offends you or not, or if you find commitment 'scary' or not, or whether or not you're lying about your father in a failed attempt to garner sympathy. Your psychology is not as fascinating to everyone as you seem to think it is.

I'm pointing out that your input on relationships and marriage is worthless because you evidently don't understand anything that is involved in sustaining a genuine and loving relationship.

No, I didn't invent the fact that my father committed suicide. And that's a totally egregious and disgusting thing to suggest.

You seem to have mistaken me for someone who cares about your life history.

You seem to have mistaken yourself for someone who's in a position to lecture others about morality.

And you seem not to understand what the word 'egregious' means.

Hth

I know perfectly well what it means.

You're obviously unable to contain your venom and have a rational conversation.

GorgonLondon
You are out of order, commenting on someone's father death.
Truly spitting venom.

You seem to have mistaken me for someone who cares about your life history.
*
You seem to have mistaken yourself for someone who's in a position to lecture others about morality.*

See that, there, sums up a common theme on here - that having an affair is the absolute worst thing one can do, and that as long as you're anti-cheat you've got the moral high ground. As if being vitriolic about someone's father dying by suicide does leave you in a position to lecture people about morality, just because it wasn't cheating.

Plus her use of the word egregious was fine

I find it quite touching that other posters are willing to take the word of someone who by their own admission is consistently and proudly dishonest.

I had a close friend who fell in love with a married man and he with her.

They had an affair for about three years until he finally left his wife.

I have no idea if the wife ever knew about their relationship. My friend didn't care about the wife. They had grown up kids and the wife was apparently committed to the Church, not her husband.

As far as I know, they are still happily together (friend and the married).

The irony for me was that she smoked like a train but her bf could not find out or he would dump her. She showered all the time, didn't have a fag for an hour before seeing him, chewed gum, sprayed her hair, fumigated the house before he was due to visit....talk about a relationship being built on lies

He was a senior police officer, and so was she.

Morals didn't come into it. They loved each other and simply airbrushed obstacles out.

Why not have the conversation without throwing in "moral.high ground" red herrings? I don't think many people are hung up on that. It's 2018 and not the main theme on this thread

It's the deception that's got some people riled, I can see that from the thread

Problem is this is the Relationships Board. So I'd guess there are people in here who's marriages have been ripped apart by cheating and either are still or haven't recovered from that.

It was never going to be a "nice" thread. Not with that title.Too much potential to open old wounds.

I guess the OP bailed out...

I find it quite touching that other posters are willing to take the word of someone who by their own admission is consistently and proudly dishonest

Well, that's how Internet forums work. Plus rather a lot of men do die by suicide, and some of them have children.

I was a ow who's om left his wife for me. We've been married over a decade now. He told me the whole script. Wife didn't understand him, they didn't have sex, she didn't love him, only with him for the money. ..blah blah blah...the difference being it was all true.

The thing is sometimes it is. That's why you really don't need your friend do read this thread. He should of left his wife before we got together but he didn't because he wanted to leave her but not his children. That will be a very hard thing for anyone to hear.

I'll say now that out of the friendship group from age 18 - 35, I was the only one that never shagged somebody else's husband/boyfriend.

None of them regretted it, and it was all part and parcel of catching yourself a husband, you widen your net and hope to catch a man.

One of them repeatedly, and this was women she knew too. I lost all respect for her and we are no longer friends.

There is no point asking the OW anything. She will put herself and what she wants before other women's feelings, principles or the desire to find a good man with integrity.

She might think it is simple, compartmentalised, just about sex. The most likely outcome is that she will be dumped. If she gets her man then she will live with the knowledge that he could easily do the same thing to her. Because he has no compunction about lying.

Who would want to be her?

But OP I dont really get your motivation/point in asking this - are you for real?

there are no words to describe people so low as to destroy a marriage / family

Absolutely. And the people who do that are the marriage-partners who are unfaithful. So if we're dissing the 'other women', we're missing the point.

The other woman has no responsibility to the wife.
The husband, only, has that responsibility.
He is the one destroying the marriage.
He is the one destroying a family.

Women, other, single or whatever, are not responsible for policing each other's husbands/partners. It's not our job to say 'Oh, no, you're married, go back to your wife.'

If he approaches her, or responds when she approaches him, it's all down to him. He's the one with the wife at home.

Women, other, single or whatever, are not responsible for policing each other's husbands/partners. It's not our job to say 'Oh, no, you're married, go back to your wife.'

That's EXACTLY what I would say if a man in a relationship came on to me. That's what anyone with a shred of morality would say.

This 'the OW has no responsibility' argument falls to bits the moment you put yourself in that position.

Your friend will not get closure.
I spoke to the ow a few weeks ago. She tried to justify her reasons for fucking my husband.
She's a whore and a lying scumbag, just like my husband.
I don't believe either of them.

They're both c and they are welcome to each other!

I've got a secret that's the sort of star crossed lovers shit that lots of betrayed spouses get told ("and also ow) I know 'my' ow would say that exact same thing. And maybe it's true BUT adults, who have created children together and chosen to foresake all others' simply should not indulge in that absolute bollocks. Its not foresaking all others til someone better comes along.. I absolutely support a person's choice to leave an abusive, unhappy or damaging relationship but I have no patience for 'soul mates' bollocks when a family, young children are the collateral damage.

Sorry for what you've been through and are going through Lost

These people are completely devoid of empathy or morality. They just want what they want and don't give a shit about the impact on anyone else. There is no point trying to relate to them as if they are reasonable human beings, as you've sadly found out.

Hope things get better for you now without the lying cheating bastard in your life

Thank you GorgonLondon I'm doing really well considering.

Im three years past throwing out ExH who moved straight in with OW and introduced the kids a few weeks later.

Im not allowed to meet her. We are incompatible apparantly. I have a sneaky suspucion it may be more to do with his fear of her finding out he didnt leave of his own volition. He beggged to come back whilst crying that i didnt fight for him when i found out.

I have no questions for her. The only time id ever want to speak to her is if she was unreasonable with the kids. She isnt. They like her. She cares for them better than him.

Her refusal to move also keeps him an hour and half a way which is a blessing as he is a narc.

They may of found their soul mates. Who knows? Who cares?

Time heals. It gives you the distance to realise they did you a huge favour. Her acceptance of a relationship based on lies enabled me to see I'd not accept that. I deserved better. I have better.

Nothing OW can say will make her feel better. It either wont be true or your friend wont believe her anyway. After all she is the OW.

And to you proud OW on the thread... good luck. Sometimes you may end up with the love of your life. You may see it as worth it. My children don't though. But i suppose that's not your problem. My ExH cheated on me not OW. It could of been anyone willing to believe his lies, take on his debt, give him a home and a car etc.

I hope they do survive together as a couple. My kids couldn't cope with dear dad fucking up another relationship.

MaryandMichael

I agree husbands have a responsibility to their wives and wives to their husbands.

But I also believe that I would not do to another woman what I wouldn't want done to me. I'm a feminist and that starts with doing right by other women. And that means not hurting them - and god having an affair with a married man hurts his wife beyond anything. And his children too. And it breaks up famillies - who would want to be involved with that?

No one on here or anywhere knows the full story from all perspectives, and it is never as black and white as many of these comments infer...e.g. he is a bastard for leaving poor wife to fuck OW.
From experience: you never know what goes on behind closed doors and even within a marriage/relationship, one person's perception/experience of it can be entirely different to the other's.
I think it can be incredibly damaging to assume that just because a man has found a relationship with someone else and a bitter ex is in the background that he/his partner should automatically be labelled so harshly in the way that so many commentors on here do. Really, if that is a usual attitude then maybe it's not surprising spouses end up leaving.