Questions for other woman

[TheMonkeyMummy]

Asking for a friend, but if you have one chance to ask (non aggressive, no one wants a shouting match) questions, what would you ask?

I can't think beyond was it worth it, what did you think the outcome would be and did you ever think about your families.

I suppose there is a risk she might find out. But without going into the details of this individual circumstance, I would have thought it was unlikely.

Interestingly, although I've never knowingly been an OW, I think I could due to my ability to compartmentalise things very well. But I just wouldn't. Aside from the fact I am happily married and wouldn't cheat, I just wouldn't want to shag a man who was capable of deceiving someone like that. Lies and secrecy aren't a turn on for me. I see them as immense weakness.

They live in a world where affairs are an everday, perfectly understandable thing. They won't be that surprised if they get treated the same way.

"My" OW and exh were of the "True love has finally come our way" variety. That's no better to digest either.

I used to spend hours every day imagining conversations with my exh. That at least had the advantage that I could win the argument. It takes a while before the obsession wanes. I'm glad I never spoke to OW back then as I'd probably still feel ashamed about it even now.

Djnoun, unlikely as long as she's blissfully ignorant, perhaps - but once she starts suspecting things and actively looking for you, she has a pretty good chance of finding you. My exh told her he was being careful and I had no idea. At that point I already knew her name.

I agree @AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen I just would not want to be in ANY relationship/friendship with someone who was openly capable of deceit.
@Djnoun I see on the AMA thread you openly state that you have been the OW many times, have daddy issues and like older men. Then you come on this thread and say you don't have low self esteem. If I was your friend in RL, I would urge you to seek professional help because that is a no way to live a full and happy life.

@Djnoun I see on the AMA thread you openly state that you have been the OW many times, have daddy issues and like older men. Then you come on this thread and say you don't have low self esteem

Oh Djnoun I hate to break it to you but that there's the poster girl for low self esteem.

I was trying to think of what I would ask but came up with nothing. For the OW.

Am afraid all the questions I would have would be for/from my cheating husband who broke the vows.

I can entirely understand why it is natural to get angry with the OW but think if a man wants to cheat, he will find a way to do it/it will happen sooner or later - the appeal of any particular individual OW has very little to do with it.

@Gah81 I don't think anger is motivating this move. I think a search for the truth as her husband is just lying and lying and lying to keep his family together.

Ahhh fair enough. I guess if she is wanting to get a picture of the truth, then probably the practicalities: when, where, show me proof, was it love, what did he say about me/us...

Being the OW is weird as you are willing entering into a relationship where the other person is shagging someone else (ie their wife). You wouldn't normally knowingly go out with someone who is sleeping around but you do when you are the OW.

Missing a father doesn't automatically mean that you have low self esteem. My father killed himself when I was younger and yes, of course this affects the type of man I'm attracted to in later years. But it's difficult, once your attractions are set, to deliberately evade them. But I'm perfectly happy. I don't lack value in myself. It's more a sense of 'filling a void' in a male counterpart than feeling that I am not worthy of love.

Emotional needs?????
I thought you were both just in it for the sex?

I @Djnoun , I am sorry about your dad but I repeat, you should go and seek professional support elsewhere. But this thread really isn't the place for that.

I was the OW briefly I suppose, well one of many to a married man who travelled a lot. He played around a lot. I met him over the internet, his wife was far away and an abstract concept. He also had a long term mistress. It wasn't my finest moment but I was in unrequited love at the time and it filled a void.

I don't require professional help. And I would suggest that you don't make suggestions that people have mental health difficulties with a note of spite in your tone. There's no shame in requiring professional counselling for those who need it.

Anyway, yes, I'm attracted to much older men. I don't necessarily want to be in a relationship right now and this is convenient for me. I suppose sex is a type of emotional need. But it's not the same emotional requirements as a relationship.

I rarely post on here but i can't believe people are actually trying to justify it. Deny all you want but you do have a low self esteem and are seeking affection and validation no matter how you are trying to dress it up to make it sound in any way acceptable. I agree, you need to seek help

I'm an OW to an OM. It's just physical, there's no love, it's only been going on a few months and rarely. Yes, I am selfish, I like the thrill of the secrets and the sex. And yes, I know I'm a bitch

That's interesting Wasfatnowthin

A reminder of why I think the cop-out of so many women who patronisingly tell a betrayed wife reeling from shock "it's not HER you should think about it's not her fault, it's your H that broke his vows". Yeah..the DW knows that but real life isn't so smooth - wife is perfectly reasonable to feel upset with the woman who helped him break those vows too, and it isn't for anyone to come along and tell her not to in the midst of her feeling upset and trying to make sense of it all.

I'm not judging you by the way, just making an observation as it strikes me there are OW who feel like you but I doubt there are many who'd admit it.

I think the others were totally mesmerised by the magic spell the man used and just sort of fell onto his dick without meaning to😁

All relationships are about seeking affection and validation.

Perhaps it makes you feel better to think that it's only possible to make decisions like this due to faulty and irrational thinking. But that's up to you if that's your conclusion. It's not the case in my experience though.

@Djnoun no spite in my tone. Lots of pity though.

All relationships? Including yours with the married men? But you have said it's nothing but physical... are lying to yourself but crack on

I'm totally don't agree with affairs but the OW owes the wife nothing in reality. The husband took the vows and should of been faithful to his wife. Unfortunately affairs seem to be a regular occurrence these days.

No matter what you ask them, and no matter what they reply..actions speak louder than words/watch what they do and not what they say.

Q. Did you think about your family?
Cheater: yes of course I did!
Their actions=Broken home, they thought about their family but their need for cake was more important.

If they truly thought about their family they would work on fixing what’s wrong in the relationship, if it doesn’t work end it. No matter how a cheater spins in they can NEVER justify cheating.

It's not irrational at all. But there is always a decision making process and to consistently proactively choose married men suggests there is something behind it all.
This is very different to falling in love with someone else's husband - a specific individual. That is shit but I have a level of understanding.

Djnoun why can't you find what you want with a single man, there are plenty out there, I've had arrangements like it with single men myself.
Anyway to answer the question. I did speak to the ow in my case. Didn't take me long to realise she is a liar too, match made in the gutter of morality that one.
It was more a case of me telling her the truth, there was a lot of things she didn't know about, including I suspect one of his children.
Really I just wanted to know what makes her think she's so special.
Now I realise she's just a special kind of gullible and selfish with it.
I actually feel sorry for her now.
I'm sorry your friend is going through this, it is a horrible experience but she will get through it as a better stronger person.