Questions for other woman

[TheMonkeyMummy]

Asking for a friend, but if you have one chance to ask (non aggressive, no one wants a shouting match) questions, what would you ask?

I can't think beyond was it worth it, what did you think the outcome would be and did you ever think about your families.

@GorgonLondon yup. I never imagined anything but support on how to guide my friend through this incredibly shitty time when I wrote this thread.

I am still at the brazenness of it all.

God, the moral compasses of some people are so skewed! It is always a choice to have an affair with a married person. If you choose to do it then you are an arsehole (as are they)

I think what I always take from these threads is that I am amazed that some people really believe it's another woman's job to protect a marriage that has nothing to do with them. I always put the blame squarely with the cheater.

Yep the cheater is to blame but the person happy to enable a dirty cheat to do so is also pretty low.

@jeaux90 no, it's the married persons responsibility to protect their marriage. However, I will frown upon anyone who knowingly facilitated them in breaking their vows.

In this instance, both parties were married.

And again, it's not about anger, blame and having a shouting match but trying to gauge facts as her 'D'H wouldn't know the truth if it bit him on the arse.

I was the OW my now DH left his DW for me.
I never asked him to but quite simply he is completely in love with me as I am with him.

His ExDW and I never had a conversation about his affair as why would she subject herself to hearing he loved me more than he had ever loved her. His actions of ending their marriage told her all she needed to know.

If you are indeed asking questions to the OW for your friend, I advise you not too as the answers will be too painful for her to hear.

But the fact of the situation is that there are a lot of affairs out there. A lot of other women. Are they all just useless degenerates or is it perhaps against human nature to form life long lasting monogamous partnerships?

I agree with you on this Djnoun . Not sure if I've already said on this or similar thread, but -

I don't believe humans are akin to swans, naturally inclined to mate with just 1 person for life. Men in particular on an evolutionary basis I believe just aren't built that way, in the main. If monogamy were a natural inclination there would not be so much relationship hassle out there. Not least the huge issues temptation, chance and circumstance causes.

However that aside - if you've entered into a monogamous relationship with someone then you've agreed to play by the rules of that union. The grief comes when someone doesn't play by the rules but is too cowardly to come clean. So instead of being truthful thereby giving partner a choice as to whether she wants to stay or go, he takes away her choice by cheating.

I also see believing that you MUST have and be with anyone you want as an actual weakness. It leaves you vulnerable to ego flattery leading to a man getting you to hide in the shadows for him. You don't die for lack of a particular man and it is possible not to give in to impulse.

I won't have an affair with a MM because I think I'm too good for that (may sound vain but thats how it is). No man is worth me taking the crumbs from another woman's table. & the hiding thing renders it instantly unsexy for me as behind it all I'd be thinking "you coward".

I can understand how and why affairs can happen btw. But can't see why people are unable to own the decisions they make.

eg you may not feel monogamy is for you. Only you're in a triangle with the H who's entered into a monogamous relationship, and the W who believes she is still in a monogamous relationship. So your theory isn't relative in your situation as it relies on 2 of you keeping someone in the dark.

There are people who don't live a monogamous lifestyle. & they're with people who are the same as them. Those are the ones who've owned their decision.

All else is playacting to feed a delusion.

I do know a man who's been with OW 25 years but hadn't divorced his wife. Doesn't live with wife but says when he goes, he chooses to leave all he has to her because she's the mother of his children and was there in the early days with him.

Both wife & OW accept the situation and know about each other. Wife just lives her own life pursues her own interests but has no interest at all in shacking up with anyone else. He has the means to look after them both. It works for them.

@Djnoun it's not up to you or him weather he stays in that relationship or not. It's down to her and I hope one day soon she finds out because once she kicks him out, he will come banging on your door. So good luck.

You're gross!

My point was more about the internalised misogyny on these kind of threads.

@MistressDeeCee

You summed up what I was going to say quite well. You can argue about whether humans have been genetically 'programmed' to be monogamous or not till the cows come home. The fact is that we are genetically programmed to do a lot of things, some are part of the societal zeitgeist we live in, others are not.

I don't care whether you want to be a man's one and only, or part of his harem of sister wives. If one party has presented themselves as being monogamous and is deceiving the other party that has entered the relationship under this assumption - it is wrong, point blank period. Morally, ethically, it's wrong.

I don't operate under any delusion that life is a Disney movie either. People fall out of love, they cease being attracted to their partners, they realize they should have lived life instead of getting married at 18 - whatever whatever. When this happens, you speak to the other person and communicate this. It sucks and will hurt but ffs it's just cruel to continue a ruse and lie to someone who loves you.

I would say most of the women on this site are damn progressive and don't give two shits whether you choose monogamy or polyamory/polygamy or the single life with ONS forever. To act like these women are being high and mighty or judgmental about your lifestyle is simply taking the piss.

Any OW who is on here really claiming to be daft enough not to understand that every angry poster here is pissed about anything but DECEPTION is just a fucking cunt.

You don't fucking lie to people, especially those that care for you. You don't gaslight them, mislead them, move goalposts, or anything involving telling someone something that is just patently false. To do this in a committed relationship is deeply damaging to those it happens to, good people don't fuck with other peoples heads and hearts in this manner and you are an extra large piece of shit if you are a willing accomplice to it.

End of story!

@ExceptionFatale yes, yes, yes!!!! Thank you for summing that up perfectly.

@ExceptionFatale yes yes and yes! Everything you have said 👏🏼

It's not realistic to simply end every single marriage once the sexual relationship has irreparably cooled though, is it? You have a home, you have children, you have joint finances. You also have love and deep affection for your partner. But you don't have sexual satisfaction. What do you do? Do you live without sex? Do you go to prostitutes? Do you make an arrangement with another person for a secondary sexual relationship? It's not as simple as you make it out to be.

Heaven forbid you try and sort things out with your equally unsatisfied wife.
There are enough single people out there to shag. The logic just doesn't work.

But what if the person's husband or wife no longer wishes to engage in a sexual relationship with their partner? What happens then?

I don't really think you're in a position to be advising anyone on successful relationships djnoun, do you?

You're avoiding considering the facts of the situation. But that's fine. It's not a pleasant reality. I completely understand why it's easier to simply believe that passion can be ruled with morals.

Of course I've been in a committed relationship. I was even married myself once. What an odd assumption.

.i was even married myself once.

That evidently worked out well.

I never want to be married again. I think it's too easy to make a promise that in ten, twenty, thirty, forty years, you find it difficult or even impossible to keep. People change so much and that scares me.

Again, djnoun, what you understand about love and commitment could be written on the back of a matchbox with plenty of room to spare.

But what if the person's husband or wife no longer wishes to engage in a sexual relationship with their partner? What happens then?

It's actually quite rare when someone is cheating that they are no longer in a sexual relationship with their spouse. Regardless of what you as the OW are told.
Aside from that, I don't really what it has to do with anyone outside of the relationship. You are now commenting as if you are providing some sort of public service. Why they are cheating really shouldn't matter to you, should it? Why try and justify it? To apportion blame on the wife for not putting out is gross.