Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

[Lily007]

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

No idea why madison was deleted I didn't see it Lilly sorry.

I think your approach is a good one if you're comfortable he's not withholding the documentation for a reason.

I'm of the view it's worth considering is he really just a lazy bastard or is he not providing this for a reason, and if you got it could it benefit you more than your current situation? I'd assume the worst, that he's hiding it for a reaason and the reason is it would make things worse for him for you to have it....

That Maddison post was one of those warm trillions in a week scams

Make sure he provides the documents from the time you’ve requested them. If it’s things like the last 6 months of bank statements, he might be stalling as he doesn’t want you to see something. ie something in say, July, so if he leaves it until end of January to provide the statements, he can provide you with Aug, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan (if that makes sense) and not July.

Glad to hear you’re more positive Lily

Yes it was a scam post. Nothing offensive. In fact I'm off to earn squillions as I clicked the link before reporting. Win win

Ah okay, thought it was someone slagging me off 🙈

I agree with you @Bluntness, he’s probably trying to hide something. I won’t let him though, I’ll wait a few more weeks and then, if necessary, I’ll make an application to court for maintenance pending suit. That wii mean the skank will need to disclose her income and expenditure too. Can’t see her wanting to do that.

@Thebluedog, yes I get what you’re saying and I won’t let it happen.

I’ve asked him for several documents as evidence he’s contributing to the skank’s household bills I.e. a copy of the council tax bill. I hope my requests for information and documents are causing a few ripples in their “love nest” 😜

Morning,,,

Ok, that puts a different spin on it. Surely he would be expected to contribute to the household bills Lilly. It is not her household, it is theirs. He lives there and he would be expected to contribute. Not live for free off of her. Just like he was expected to contribute when he lived with you. And if they split up, then he would need to be financially solvent enough to live independently.

I know it's been discussed before, but I still don't see the relevance. Any court would expect him to contribute towards the household living expenses, utilities, council tax, sky, mortgage, whatever.

As such, he may not be providing it for this reason, and uou have his bank statements. I doubt it's causing an issue between them, becayse quite honestly if it were me, we'd both be in agreement you don't need these, you just need what's in his name and his bank statements showing his outgoings.

I'm all for you going after a decent settlement, but I think you should take it as read he is rightly expected to contribute to the household expenses and not live for free.

Hi @Bluntness

Yes I agree he’s expected to contribute to “their” household, however, at the mediation session he stated what he was paying and the mediator told him it was excessive.

He was given a list, weeks before the session, of documents he needed to provide, he only provided bank statements for one account, he has 3 other accounts! The mediator also advised him if a financial agreement couldn’t be reached via mediation and we had to proceed via the court route, that he’d need to provide OW’s income and expenditure details.

I understand that if he and OW split, he has to be able to live independently but so do I and currently he’s earning more than three times what I earn and, according to him, is paying the lions share of “their” household expenses.

OW lived alone in her house for years before he moved in so obviously was not reliant on a second income, he can’t, therefore, be expected to pay more than half of the household expenses, which is what he’s currently claiming.

Hmmm that's interesting, he's hiding bank statements and stating he's paying heavily towards the household.

Possibly he isn't, he's trying to hide his disposable income from you. Make out he's less money than he has.

I'd consider chasing the bank statements he's hiding. As said, I'd assume he's withholding for a reason, and that reason will be someone negative to him and positive to you.

@Bluntness. I have asked for the bank statements in the letter I sent him over a week ago. He’s also yet to provide pension statements.

There are also numerous transactions on the bank statements he has provided which need explaining, large sums being paid in and going out!

I really can’t imagine what he thinks he’s achieving by stalling. As I’ve already said, I’m not attending the next mediation appointment until I’ve had sight of all disclosure documents and had the opportunity to put questions to him in relation to his expenditure.

I also intend asking for up to date bank statements covering the Christmas period, I guarantee he’ll spend a fortune this month. He used to spend thousands of pounds on me at Christmas, he did even last Christmas. I’m certain he’ll spend as much on OW this year!

I don’t see why I should have to scrimp and scrape whilst he spends excessive amounts on her. I get a small bonus from work this month which I can spend on gifts so I can’t afford anything elaborate for anyone. I know everyone understands my situation and most people are telling me not to buy for them this year which is really kind. I will buy gifts but nothing too expensive. He, on the other hand, will likely spend an extortionate amount, how is that fair?

I’m not looking forward to Christmas at all this year 😔.

I can’t believe someone I’ve spent 25 years with can become so callous.

Can you see who the large sums are being paid to Lilly? Or who was paying him? I really suspect he is not providing these documents for a reason . There is something he doesn't wish you to know.

I really would hassle for the documents. Not just let him away with it.

And try to stop focusing on what he may or may not spend on her at Xmas, try not to give a fuck. It's just going to upset you.

And this Xmas you will be with people who love you, who wish to be with you, and the presents are irrelevant to them. You're doing really well and you will be fine.

It does all seem very unfair and sounds like he's hiding something by trying to get that month to lapse before he submits his papers (or something similar).

Or he could just be being head in the sand about it and hasn't got around to it.

It must be so difficult thinking about what his next move will be. Hope you hear something soon, so it sets your mind at rest before Christmas.

Try not to think about what he'll buy her for Christmas. The thousands of pounds worth of gifts mean nothing if they're from someone as disingenuous as KH. If someone else turned his head, he'd soon move on from this one. He likes the glory of spending a fortune more than the sentiment I think.

Has anyone got a partner who likes to drink ,but it often turns them nasty

Try not to think of what he’s up to, or what he’s spending on Madge (think Benidorm - that’s how I see her), it’s juat material things, he cheated on you to be with her, chances are one of them will do the same in the future. You may not be rich, in a material sense, but you are rich in family and friends - which he’ll never be, and that’s the one thing he can’t buy.

Head down, arse up! He’ll be the one missing out this Christmas

Aw thank you @Tootstastic and @WhoKnewBeefStew

I’ve found out tonight he’s had another tattoo at a cost of £550. I’m spending less than half of that on all my Christmas gifts!

@user are you on the right thread? 😊

He spent a lot of money on me last Christmas and he was seeing OW then so I suppose what he spends isn’t indicative of how he feels 🙄.

Sounds like he's spending money like water and still going through his mid-life crisis.

I think you're right about the spending on gifts not being indicative of how he feels.** I found this article about narcissism and generosity....

Toxic, Misanthropic Generosity: With Strings Attached
Sharon Soani, PhD, says that not all giving is created equal.
“Regardless of their financial status, the narcissist gives whether they have money or not,” Spano says. “However, they give from a depraved sense of self.”
She adds that in extreme cases, “this type of individual may be addicted to giving, even willing to go into debt. The giving, you see, is more about looking good than it is generosity.”

Morning

@Tootstastic you’re probably right. How have I lived with him for 25 years and not picked up on his narcissistic traits 🙄

I’ve received a letter from his solicitors this morning advising that all requests for further information/documentation should be made via their office. In the letter I sent him just over a week ago, I stated I had questions and asked whether he wanted me to put them directly to him or whether he wished me to go via his solicitor. I mentioned I was aware of the costs consequences of liaising with solicitors.

Sounds to me as though he’s on the back foot. I’m going to draft a letter today detailing all the information required. Ooh I’d love to be a fly on the wall when he receives my questions 😉

On Saturday night my DS, his dad and family went out for their Xmas “do”, apparently they were posting on IG and KH saw some posts, he texted my DS’s uncle (they were really close prior to the split), saying how disappointed he was not to be included! Honestly, the man is absolutely deluded. Why would he even think they’d include him, they’re MY family. His reaction is typical of how important HE feels he is, probably another narcissistic trait 🙈

Yes definitely pose your questions to his solicitor then if that's how he wants to play it.

He's shameless isn't he about being left out. He really thinks everyone must love him. Surely he's got the message by now?!

OMG he is STILL doing this - he did this back in September too about something didn't he? I would love to know what DS's uncle replied to him. Surely enough people have told him that they no longer want anything to do with him after his treatment of THEIR family member - YOU. Why should he even think otherwise? Does he think he would be welcomed at these gatherings.

He must think that as long as you aren't actually there, he can be - he would probably want to bring her too!

Do you think this is because he did go on a holiday with a group of them? Hope I've got that right - it was already booked so they let him go?

Hi @kaitlinktm. He’s unbelievable isn’t he 🙄

Yes he did go on the weekend trip in May, only because it was already paid for and because my DS dropped out but I believe the others told him they didn’t want to hear anything about him and OW and that it was all a bit strained and uncomfortable.

I suspect in his mind enough time has elapsed that all is forgiven. Unfortunately for him that isn’t the case.

I understand OW quite regularly goes out with friends, he hasn’t got any friends to go out with which makes me smile 😊. Being popular is sooo important to him. Ah well, if you want to be liked, don’t shit on your wife 😂.

In his shoes I’d be embarrassed to be asking why I hadn’t been invited in a night out the man must have the hide of a rhino not to realise he’s not welcome any longer although it must feel good Lily, to know he’s obviously bothered by his lack of invites, and he will also see you’ve been spending time with them and obviously still on the invite list

Good move about sending requests via your solicitors, it’s a good record should it go to court.

As toot said, often these men have to be seen to be rich, successful and popular, they achieve this by appearing to be generous, they think it makes them look good, and has nothing to do with feelings, love or generosity.

That takes some balls to text and ask about being invited. Seriously, how obtuse would you have to be. I'd also be mortified, 😳

Still would like to know what DS's uncle actually replied to him.

Apparently DS’s uncle replied “it’s a family do”.

I’ve just been chatting to DS’s dad on the phone, he said he was absolutely gobsmacked that KH texted his BIL (he was with him when he got the text). He told his BIL to tell KH to fuck off! He wouldn’t go that far though, he’s a really lovely bloke and quite easy going, I think that’s probably why KH always contacts him when he’s feeling left out. It’s not going to work though, he’s already told me their relationship is done because his loyalty is with me.

"It's a family do KH and you are no longer a member of our family - by your own choice." Then block him. That's what I'd do, but then I'm not a nice guy.

“it’s a family do”.

Killer line from DS' uncle, he's a star! I hope KH felt about an inch tall.