DH has not come home yet...

[HaveYouSeentheWritingontheWall]

He went to work at 6:30am yesterday, said he was going to have a drink after work and I've not heard from him or seen him since then, he finished work at 12:30.

He's not done this before, but he has recently been lying to me about who he has been out drinking with.

So are these unsent letters he’s written to the OW? Or from her to him? Could he argue they are fantasies rather than real because he hadn’t sent them?

How could I have been so blind? I thought that when DH finished paying for the car the increased pub sessions were the result of having more disposable income, the thought of another woman never entered my head.

Be careful: if you only have her letters to him, he can claim she is infatuated and making up lies. He has been trying to let her down gently.

OP, having been in your position when I was 48 and also with a DC with ASD, to be betrayed like that is shit, it's really shit, there is no way round that BUT I agree with the PP who said that this is a chance to recreate your life and to put yourself first (admittedly within the limits of having a young adult who will always need support).

My conclusion was that if thirty years of joint life was down the toilet - as it turned out my exH had cheated for years - I was bloody well going to do what I want. I moved house and retrained in a wholly different career. I had counselling and I have worked hard on making new friendships and consolidating old ones. I have the time and mental space to support my DC through college and now into looking for work (gulp!).

Overall, life is happier now than when I was with my exH and it is certainly more suited to me.

Get angry, divorce the shit and create yourself a wonderful new life!

Op you know you sound so fabulous. And that only makes your arsehole of a husband an even bigger fool

You will come through this I promise

I'm sorry HYSTWOTW.

I'd be very tempted to act normal and just let him get divorce papers served on him at work.

thethoughtfox it doesn't really matter what he claims, the previous lying/being spotted with OW/staying out overnight without contacting OP is all enough in itself.

OP remember you don't have to accept his script, it's not a court of law where you have to give him irrefutable proof of what you know. So sorry you are going through this

Are men so stupid that they think they can disappear for 24 hours, then text early in the morning to say they lost track of time and crashed at a friend, and think they can come back smelling of roses and believing themselves that their excuse was solid because they told so called friend to lie if ever questioned?

Or most likely it's a case of in addition to being liars and masters of deceit, they are such cowards that they welcome the prospect of being 'found out' to enable them to move on with their lives because it's easier that way than to the one to make the first move to end their marriage.

I had a newspaper interview with the OW saying (very proudly! ) that she'd been having a relationship with my DH for years, but my lawyers told me it wasn't admissable evidence. So not sure that the letters would carry much weight. Get a divorce while he's still feeling guilty, because once he's out of the house the guilt very quickly morphs into 'it's all your fault'.

OP my mum went through this a few years ago. She didn't find out on her own though, he eventually told her and left, while I was on holiday do she had no support apart from my young brother (who couldn't be of much help).
I don't think I would let him back in the house.

OP

You can get through this, my mum did. it will be better in the end.

What a cunt. Why do they think they can get away with it?

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Be practical now.

There was a thread on here and I think it's still running. Coats protection league I think it was called and the OP has been amazing for practicalities.

Try and think without emotion on your next steps. Can you get access to his financials before you say anything etc.

Hope you are ok. Sending a big virtual hug to you.

Do you have time to pack a bag from the dirty washing for him, and lock the door from the inside and then when he arrive open the door give him the bag and tell to fuck off back to xxx house and he enjoyed it so much last night.

And that you will be in contact with him after you have seen a solicitor.

I'm so sorry

She wrote the letters, he's foolishly kept them in our house.

So sorry op. . So many women on here have been through similar. At least you do know for certain so you won’t have the hell of not knowing whether to believe him or not, and being made to feel as though you are in the wrong.

The OP doesn't need irrefutable proof. She knows her H is cheating and doesn't need his permission or approval to divorce.

If he won't accept the adultery then so be it. Doesn't prevent the divorce.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Stay strong

Why do men do this ? Idiots.

Yes, why do the OW do this, i expect knowing full well the devastation they are causing to another woman somewhere?

And often her children who will be involved?

I'm so sorry, OP. Is there a friend nearby who you can lean on a little over the weekend? It would be good to have someone to support you right now because this is such an emotional smack in the face.

God, I hoped I was wrong.
Do you have any rl support for later ?

I missed the comments about the letters. How awful. I’m so sorry OP x

'd'h cannot deny that the sport that he took up with his "workmates" was in fact the ow and mutual friends because he has been seen with them almost every week both in the sports centre and in a pub afterwards by different people including some of my teammates, the barstaff in the pub were convinced that they were a "couple" they have also been seen in other pubs. When I initially confronted him about him playing this sport with the ow and friends rather than "workmates" I got the impression that he didn't tell me the truth because of what she had previously been saying about my teammates, he knows that I avoid her because I would rather not listen to her slagging off the other members of my team he also knows that next time she says anything derogatory about my teammates and their families then I will confront her (when she has said things about my teammates and their families my kids have been there so I've avoided calling her out on it).

I had told my teammates what she had been saying. Teammates have told me what they have seen.

A teammate has sent me a picture of 'd'h and ow together.

So have people been warning you for a while about them? or is this all people telling you now that you've told them you know?

So so sorry OP. I can't imagine how you're feeling today . Have you got support in RL? Don't do this alone.